Is it fair that I am trying to help her lose weight?

[whysotough]

Hey guys.

So I will make this long story as short as possible.

I have been friends with this girl for about 10 years.

I was never attracted to her or looked at her in that way. I have had other girlfriends, and she was a school friend, and was very obese up until 4 years ago.

 

Fast forward the distance, the on and off chatting via watsap and catching up once in a while, we started dating. It felt very strange at first, because we were extremely good friends up until that point, and also because I never ever looked at her that way, and quite frankly I never saw myself with an overly obese woman. Primarily because I am a fitness freak.

 

I love the person she is, we get along incredibly well, we talk for hours, we laugh and can just enjoy each other's company for a really long time. We always find common ground.

Looks wise, she is not like my typical "type". I normally go for the skinnier, more petite girls, and in all honesty I have always been more sexually attracted in the past, but never in a more healthy and happy relationship as I am with her.

 

As she started off obese, she is very self conscious, and so I have told her that I will help her continue to lose weight. (she is still somewhat chubby).

She is taking it a like a sport, and I am training her, helping her clean up her diet, etc. I also try to tell her if a certain outfit doesn't do her as much justice, or makes her look a little "bigger". To be fair, she too comments if she doesn't like something I wear, or if she thinks i'd look better in a shirt of a certain kind, etc. I don't see how this is any different from what I am doing.

 

I really don't know if this is fair. to her though She seems to be taking it like a sport, and I genuinely am trying to help her. I love everything else about her, but I am not sure if this is something that I am supposed to either "take or leave", or if it is acceptable as long as she is genuinely also keen on seeking the help and losing all the weight.

Edited August 21, 2017 by whysotough

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

If she seems fine with it, it sounds like you're trying to create a controversy where there is none.

[whysotough]

If she seems fine with it, it sounds like you're trying to create a controversy where there is none.

 

Not at all. I just feel bad to be honest that I am not "accepting" her the way she is. Being a guy myself, I think many other guys can relate that we can be picky about such shallow things, but I wanted to see how the women feel about a guy helping/wanting his girlfriend to lose weight.

[JuneL]

Not at all. I just feel bad to be honest that I am not "accepting" her the way she is. Being a guy myself, I think many other guys can relate that we can be picky about such shallow things, but I wanted to see how the women feel about a guy helping/wanting his girlfriend to lose weight.

 

If you are not nagging and she is okay with this, then I don't see any problem. Btw, has she gotten great results consistently? It's usually quite hard for a very obese person to lose weight, so I'd love to have someone who can eat healthy and exercise regularly with me if I was in her situation.

[basil67]

The overall questions underlying this are

 

1. Did she choose to lose weight without being coerced by you?

2. Has she asked for your help?

3. Is she confident that you will still love her if her weight fluctuates back up again?

 

If the answer to all of these is 'Yes' then, you have nothing to worry about. It's about supporting her choice as opposed to pushing change.

[Cookiesandough]

don't see an issue here

[thefooloftheyear]

Forget it....

 

You are kidding yourself....

 

My feeling is that you are trying to "create" someone you will eventually think works for you...It's never a good way to start off a relationship..

 

But it won't happen...

 

She's telling you what you want to hear now, but she'll prob fall off the wagon(most do)....And you won't view her as "your type:(which you have already admitted she isn't)...Additionally, she will be self conscious every day she is around you..Every morsel of food she puts in her mouth, she will be thinking negative thoughts....She will never be comfortable.....In fact, don't be surprised if you grow to like/love her and she dumps you, because she can no longer sustain the standard that you put on her..

 

You can thank me later..

 

TFY

Edited August 22, 2017 by thefooloftheyear

[SammySammy]

Agree with TFY.

 

I've learned not to try to "help" women with weight issues. Learned not to comment or critique at all.

 

If she asks me for advice or help, I'll do what I can. But, you can't fix another person's weight. They have to want it for themselves. If they are doing anything at your insistence, then that usually ends up being a losing situation for you. Resentment. More self-esteem issues. Then reverting back to old patterns.

 

The best you can do is be a good example. Encouraging and supportive when needed. But don't make her weight loss your task. Your issue. It doesn't work.

 

If you can't be with her as she is, leave her alone.

[basil67]

TFY and Midnight, you've echoed my sentiments perfectly.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Forget it....

 

You are kidding yourself....

 

My feeling is that you are trying to "create" someone you will eventually think works for you...It's never a good way to start off a relationship..

 

But it won't happen...

 

She's telling you what you want to hear now, but she'll prob fall off the wagon(most do)....And you won't view her as "your type:(which you have already admitted she isn't)...Additionally, she will be self conscious every day she is around you..Every morsel of food she puts in her mouth, she will be thinking negative thoughts....She will never be comfortable.....In fact, don't be surprised if you grow to like/love her and she dumps you, because she can no longer sustain the standard that you put on her..

 

You can thank me later..

 

TFY

 

I agree with 100% but couldn't put it into words like you did. Spot on.

[whysotough]

Thanks a ton for the responses guys. Truly appreciate the insight and opinions.

 

Forget it....

 

You are kidding yourself....

 

My feeling is that you are trying to "create" someone you will eventually think works for you...It's never a good way to start off a relationship..

 

But it won't happen...

 

She's telling you what you want to hear now, but she'll prob fall off the wagon(most do)....And you won't view her as "your type:(which you have already admitted she isn't)...Additionally, she will be self conscious every day she is around you..Every morsel of food she puts in her mouth, she will be thinking negative thoughts....She will never be comfortable.....In fact, don't be surprised if you grow to like/love her and she dumps you, because she can no longer sustain the standard that you put on her..

 

You can thank me later..

 

TFY

 

Thanks for the response. I am going back and forth between agreeing with what you are saying. I admit she isnt the type I usually go for aesthetically (as she is a little larger than my usual type), but her gym habits, eating habits, and personality are very compatible to mine.

 

She has been consistently losing weight for years without falling off the wagon. It was simply the fact that in the last I would say 8-12 months, even with a healthy life style and her hitting the gym 5 times a week, she hasn't looked much different if at all. She certainly hasn't gained any weight, but maybe lost very little.

The moment I got it to her attention, she started taking it more seriously and realised that she had hit a plateau.

At one side I feel that it should be acceptable for me to be able to tell her what I prefer, but on another, I feel that I am supposed to just "accept her as she is".

 

The relationship all together however is extremely healthy. We get along very well, I really care for her, she really gets me, and it is the first time that I am not in a relationship that is draining me, and one that is sustainable,

This is why I figure that is worth giving a shot at.

 

Agree with TFY.

 

I've learned not to try to "help" women with weight issues. Learned not to comment or critique at all.

 

If she asks me for advice or help, I'll do what I can. But, you can't fix another person's weight. They have to want it for themselves. If they are doing anything at your insistence, then that usually ends up being a losing situation for you. Resentment. More self-esteem issues. Then reverting back to old patterns.

 

The best you can do is be a good example. Encouraging and supportive when needed. But don't make her weight loss your task. Your issue. It doesn't work.

 

If you can't be with her as she is, leave her alone.

 

Thanks!

As I said above, she really wants to lose weight. She's ben actively hitting the gym and has been at a clean diet for a long time. I think she sort of got complacent and hasn't seen much progress in the last year. Prior to that she was losing a lot of weight. She does want to lose weight, she is on a diet and always at the gym even before I started dating her. I just made her realise that she was not seeing too much progress lately, and that something needed to change in the diet or routine. But it isnt something that she doesn't want for herself..

[thefooloftheyear]

Thanks a ton for the responses guys. Truly appreciate the insight and opinions.

 

 

 

Thanks for the response. I am going back and forth between agreeing with what you are saying. I admit she isnt the type I usually go for aesthetically (as she is a little larger than my usual type), but her gym habits, eating habits, and personality are very compatible to mine.

 

She has been consistently losing weight for years without falling off the wagon. It was simply the fact that in the last I would say 8-12 months, even with a healthy life style and her hitting the gym 5 times a week, she hasn't looked much different if at all. She certainly hasn't gained any weight, but maybe lost very little.

The moment I got it to her attention, she started taking it more seriously and realised that she had hit a plateau.

At one side I feel that it should be acceptable for me to be able to tell her what I prefer, but on another, I feel that I am supposed to just "accept her as she is".

 

The relationship all together however is extremely healthy. We get along very well, I really care for her, she really gets me, and it is the first time that I am not in a relationship that is draining me, and one that is sustainable,

This is why I figure that is worth giving a shot at.

 

 

 

Thanks!

As I said above, she really wants to lose weight. She's ben actively hitting the gym and has been at a clean diet for a long time. I think she sort of got complacent and hasn't seen much progress in the last year. Prior to that she was losing a lot of weight. She does want to lose weight, she is on a diet and always at the gym even before I started dating her. I just made her realise that she was not seeing too much progress lately, and that something needed to change in the diet or routine. But it isnt something that she doesn't want for herself..

 

I dunno, man....

 

You sound like a good guy, but the bolded part is worth noting....

 

I've never struggled with weight, but I know a lot of people who do...Its a constant battle...A life long, never ending ball and chain...You said she was "obese"....Those types have it particularly hard...As to the bolded part, no one wants their SO to think they are being "molded" or influenced...Things should flow naturally...You are acting like her coach, not her partner..

 

I just think if this goes long term, there will be issues...The older she gets the harder it will be...If it progresses to the point of kids, then that will add another obstacle for her..Most of these folks have to follow diets that are so strict(1K calories or less) just to keep from going the other way...The chances that she will be some lean and fit princess are very slim...

 

Another thing to consider is that you didn't mention if you guys are having sex?? Are you ok with the fact that even if she reaches a "goal weight" that she probably wont look naked, like what you think she will...??

 

My feeling is that it bothered you enough to start a thread about it, then its a constant issue in your head...Getting validation from strangers wont ,mean much, because they'll go and do whatever they do...

 

Just try to see it from her viewpoint...She is probably working her ass off now, because she probably thinks she landed the prize...But people can't do that for long periods of time...Its exhausting....She'll grow weary...She'll feel inadequate at times...Its no way to live, imo...

 

Either accept her and love her for who she is (and may become), don't be the drill sargeant or coach, and realize some of the issues I am saying...You will need to make peace that the trajectory of this won't go straight up for you...You find a match that suits you, you don't create one...

 

TFY

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

At one side I feel that it should be acceptable for me to be able to tell her what I prefer, but on another, I feel that I am supposed to just "accept her as she is".

 

 

 

Why do you think you have to tell her? I'm a woman and I will guarantee she already knows. First, by simply being overweight, and Second, the gym and what proper eating habits are are probably one of the only things you talk about. I'm sure she's not an idiot and knows a lot of that is directed at her even when you're not outright saying it.

[d0nnivain]

If you like her as a person & acknowledge this is the heathiest relationship you ever had, her physical size should matter less. Because you are placing so much importance on what you want her to be on the outside, I fear this relationship is doomed. Looks fade over time & most people get heavier as we age. Gravity takes a toll. If you are this bent about her size now, what would you do to her & a post-baby body. I fear you would drive the poor women to some sort of post partum problem.

 

For now, as her fitness & nutrition education is sort of a shared hobby things are OK. But you really have to acknowledge what a mean place your heart is in. You say you accept her but you really don't. That is the worst kind of deception.

[JohnM]

Main question from me here is do you find her sexy and attractive now?

 

Also, if she put on two stone would you stay with her?

 

If you answer no to either of these you may as well just stop now, you'll never accept her and I don't think you will get past the fact she isn't the ideal physical image of the woman you want.

 

You can have the person and the connection side, but if that is the only one which is spot on you should just be friends, like you originally were. Because otherwise you are just forcing the physical side of it.

[whysotough]

I dunno, man....

 

You sound like a good guy, but the bolded part is worth noting....

 

I've never struggled with weight, but I know a lot of people who do...Its a constant battle...A life long, never ending ball and chain...You said she was "obese"....Those types have it particularly hard...As to the bolded part, no one wants their SO to think they are being "molded" or influenced...Things should flow naturally...You are acting like her coach, not her partner..

 

I just think if this goes long term, there will be issues...The older she gets the harder it will be...If it progresses to the point of kids, then that will add another obstacle for her..Most of these folks have to follow diets that are so strict(1K calories or less) just to keep from going the other way...The chances that she will be some lean and fit princess are very slim...

 

Another thing to consider is that you didn't mention if you guys are having sex?? Are you ok with the fact that even if she reaches a "goal weight" that she probably wont look naked, like what you think she will...??

 

My feeling is that it bothered you enough to start a thread about it, then its a constant issue in your head...Getting validation from strangers wont ,mean much, because they'll go and do whatever they do...

 

Just try to see it from her viewpoint...She is probably working her ass off now, because she probably thinks she landed the prize...But people can't do that for long periods of time...Its exhausting....She'll grow weary...She'll feel inadequate at times...Its no way to live, imo...

 

Either accept her and love her for who she is (and may become), don't be the drill sargeant or coach, and realize some of the issues I am saying...You will need to make peace that the trajectory of this won't go straight up for you...You find a match that suits you, you don't create one...

 

TFY

 

 

Thanks a ton for your response. I will think it through thoroughly. We do have sex and it is great, but again, as you said, it bothers me enough to have started this thread the fact that she is not as slim as I prefer. I feel like a jerk even saying that to be honest.

I'm otherwise very happy with her, and as I mention, it's truly a sustainable relationship in the sense that we are both very happy, we get along very well, and are very secure. Hence, the dilemma.

 

Thanks for your help.

[whysotough]

Why do you think you have to tell her? I'm a woman and I will guarantee she already knows. First, by simply being overweight, and Second, the gym and what proper eating habits are are probably one of the only things you talk about. I'm sure she's not an idiot and knows a lot of that is directed at her even when you're not outright saying it.

 

 

You are wrong about the gym and her eating habits being all we talk about. Very wrong.

 

Her and I have been friends for a very long time.

I don't feel theres anything I am "uncomfortable" to tell her in reality. We talk about things like these, our preferences, etc. I have never said anything to her in a rude manner, but I simply initiated it by explaining to her how she should change something in her diet, as she has been killing it in the gym(willingly, as I mentioned she does work out, even before we started dating, at least 4 times a week), and been pretty strict on eating healthy, but hadn't lost weight in a while.

Soon as I told her, she cleaned her diet up a bit and I could tell the difference within 2 weeks. I don't indirectly tell her anything if that's what you assumed - we talk about it together.

[whysotough]

If you like her as a person & acknowledge this is the heathiest relationship you ever had, her physical size should matter less. Because you are placing so much importance on what you want her to be on the outside, I fear this relationship is doomed. Looks fade over time & most people get heavier as we age. Gravity takes a toll. If you are this bent about her size now, what would you do to her & a post-baby body. I fear you would drive the poor women to some sort of post partum problem.

 

For now, as her fitness & nutrition education is sort of a shared hobby things are OK. But you really have to acknowledge what a mean place your heart is in. You say you accept her but you really don't. That is the worst kind of deception.

 

I agree with what you have said wholeheartedly.

She deserves more from me, and this is exactly why I feel bad about wanting her to be a certain way.

I realize as well that everything fades, and the compatibility/companionship is what really outlives everything else. Exactly why I am very conflicted.

 

I have been in long term relationships with other women who I was extremely attracted to and had no complaints in that regard, but it was always toxic eventually.

[whysotough]

Main question from me here is do you find her sexy and attractive now?

 

Also, if she put on two stone would you stay with her?

 

If you answer no to either of these you may as well just stop now, you'll never accept her and I don't think you will get past the fact she isn't the ideal physical image of the woman you want.

 

You can have the person and the connection side, but if that is the only one which is spot on you should just be friends, like you originally were. Because otherwise you are just forcing the physical side of it.

 

Well to be fair if I put on two stone i'll bet she will ask me to tone it down!

I'm not denying all of what you say, I agree with it. I'll be spending some time with her on a trip alone next month and I want to see how I feel/where I stand, but I am inclined to believe people will have an issue with their significant other gaining substantial weight.. I would be making this thread if it was a girl I initially was very attracted to that ended up ruining her body and becoming over weight.

[spiderowl]

There is a difference between supporting something she wants to do and has actively chosen to do for herself and encouraging her to do it. She will be aware where the drive is coming from. It is easy to think that people become obese because they eat too much and do not exercise, but that is not always the case. Sometimes a disability means a person moves less and puts on weight. Sometimes it is genetic. There is also evidence that suggests changing intestinal biome can cause weight gain or loss. These are not necessarily things over which an individual has control. If she has been struggling with weight for a while, there could be a reason neither of you are aware of. It is unfair to judge her for it.

 

It does sound like you are trying to change her physically. You are aware of this yourself and I think it's good that you acknowledge it and are asking if you are doing the right thing. As long as the relationship is good, you two are getting along well, no-one is ill or pregnant, then you'll probably be ok, but if she goes through a hard time and gives up the struggle for a while (as most of us would), then you will have to decide whether you are going to increase your efforts to make her conform, accept her as she is, or move on. Of course, she may develop more self-assurance and confidence in herself as a person and realise at some point that you are subtly moulding her. She may start to resent this and it could cause tension. Most people want to be loved when they feel down and ugly as well as when they feel fit and beautiful.

 

You can't help what you find attractive - none of us can - but ask yourself how you would feel without her. What would you miss? If your efforts to control her weight do start to irk her, what if she does decide she'd rather find someone else who is accepting? How would you feel if faced with losing her? I think only then can you get an understanding of how deep your feelings for her really run.

[whysotough]

There is a difference between supporting something she wants to do and has actively chosen to do for herself and encouraging her to do it. She will be aware where the drive is coming from. It is easy to think that people become obese because they eat too much and do not exercise, but that is not always the case. Sometimes a disability means a person moves less and puts on weight. Sometimes it is genetic. There is also evidence that suggests changing intestinal biome can cause weight gain or loss. These are not necessarily things over which an individual has control. If she has been struggling with weight for a while, there could be a reason neither of you are aware of. It is unfair to judge her for it.

 

It does sound like you are trying to change her physically. You are aware of this yourself and I think it's good that you acknowledge it and are asking if you are doing the right thing. As long as the relationship is good, you two are getting along well, no-one is ill or pregnant, then you'll probably be ok, but if she goes through a hard time and gives up the struggle for a while (as most of us would), then you will have to decide whether you are going to increase your efforts to make her conform, accept her as she is, or move on. Of course, she may develop more self-assurance and confidence in herself as a person and realise at some point that you are subtly moulding her. She may start to resent this and it could cause tension. Most people want to be loved when they feel down and ugly as well as when they feel fit and beautiful.

 

You can't help what you find attractive - none of us can - but ask yourself how you would feel without her. What would you miss? If your efforts to control her weight do start to irk her, what if she does decide she'd rather find someone else who is accepting? How would you feel if faced with losing her? I think only then can you get an understanding of how deep your feelings for her really run.

 

 

Thank you very much. This post really covers it all, and I appreciate you taking the time.

As I have mentioned, I really did not make her lose weight. She is a dedicated person that eats very very healthy, and regularly hits the gym. I even asked her when we were discussing it, weather she is doing it for me, or for herself.

She said she was always doing it for herself, and me pointing out the lack of progress just helped her. I also have told her that if at anytime she feels that that is how she wants to remain, and is happy with looking that way, then she should simply say so. She denied it herself and told me that she has come a long way, not to stop but to go the whole way. I admit to pushing her towards it, but she always re assures me that it is what she wants.

 

Yes it t is possible that she as you have said gains self confidence / assurance and resent it. But maybe not physically but I have changed a lot of things to make her happy as well. I never expected her to "accept" me as I am.

I think its normal to compromise, to meet half way.

I am generally a very reserved person, that likes his own time, I don't like to be surrounded by many people, especially that I am not close with, I sometimes shut off when I need to communicate, I also am not extremely expressive.

I've changed all of these things for her. I'm always attending gatherings with her friends only because she likes me to. I have started communicating a lot more with her, I talk about things instead of shutting off, I express a lot more, etc.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

OP, what if she never gets to the place where she looks like what you think she should look like?

 

Also, what is YOUR body type like? You said you're a fitness freak....what does this mean to you?

[whysotough]

OP, what if she never gets to the place where she looks like what you think she should look like?

 

Also, what is YOUR body type like? You said you're a fitness freak....what does this mean to you?

 

That's okay. To me, as long as she doesn't have excess fat, looks slim in dresses etc, I am more than happy with. Just not overweight.

I don't expect her to have a model's body. She's already very beautiful, and has one of the most charming personalities I have come across.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

That's okay. To me, as long as she doesn't have excess fat, looks slim in dresses etc, I am more than happy with. Just not overweight.

I don't expect her to have a model's body. She's already very beautiful, and has one of the most charming personalities I have come across.

 

I'm so confused about what you're actually here for.