LD partner is suddenly distant?

[Vanderson]

Hi, first of all, thank you for taking the time to look at my thread. If it is too long to read, feel free to skim.

 

I have been in a unique, LD situation/relationship type thing for little over 10 years with my partner from Germany, I am from the US.

We met over the internet when we were just teens, not really expecting much from it, at that point. We have had strong, mutual feelings for each other for at least 9 of it.

And I do believe I love him.

 

There was a 3 year (around that at least) hiatus in our relationship, from the age 19 to 22 where we needed to do some growing up. Experience other things. It wasn't planned, but it still happened.

 

We eventually got back in touch with each other, and although he was a little different, it wasn't a bad "different". I would even venture to say I like who he is even more, now. He said the same about me.

 

Everything seemed to fall back in to place. We spent hours on the phone/video chat, laughing, serious and emotional conversations and some of the sweetest words I've ever been told, and I've ever said.

He told me that he loves me, and has been in love for years.

He wanted to wait until we met, but he just had to tell me. I told him I felt the same.

 

He even was curious if I wanted to be married, just in general, some day. To this, I said yes I would. He said he also would.

This went on for a while.

 

And then one day, everything seemed to change.

His demeanor was slightly cold, his topics we're of self loathing, and not being good enough for me. That I deserve better. No matter how much I tried to comfort him, nothing seemed to work. He was heavily guarded.

 

That is when I started to hear less, and less from him.

Every 5-8 days I would ask if he was okay, tell him I miss him, that I miss his voice. His replies we're never mean, and but they were definitely distant.

He would say that he misses me as well, and he is sorry that I suffer because of his sadness. That he would call me soon.

This is when communication was at a near stand still.

 

I eventually became fed up. I confronted him, but I didn't attack him.

I started with saying I had gone through our messages, and that I missed him, and our conversations.

That I was hurt that he had not contacted me at all in almost 3 weeks. I even asked if maybe I had been annoying, or said something to scare him away.

 

His reply to me, summarized, was: "I apologize for not being in more contact. I am saddened even more when I think about the fun we have while on the phone. I know I have not been writing, but I do not know what to say when I go to write, when you ask how I am. I am stressed, and pressured. It was nothing that you said, or did. I would tell you if you were annoying. I just need my space. If you give me your understanding, it would be so precious to me." That was followed by a few heart emojis, and calling me by what he has always called me, his "Vanny"

 

I have not heard from him since. It has been over a month.

I send him a message every now and then (I've sent around 4) that I am always here if he needs me. That I support him, and to never hesitate, and that I promised I would only leave him, if he tell told me to.

AIways try to be kind, and understanding.

He has a history of depression, and anxiety, which I also keep in mind. It's just very frustrating for me. I miss him all of the time.

 

 

If you've made it this far, thank you again. This means a lot to me.

 

I find it very difficult to accept he is giving up after all that has transpired between us.

 

My question(s): Should I be panicking over his need for space? And should I just be patient, and see where it goes?

I feel like I really need to just hang in there, but I'm told by sources who have not been in a LDR or anything to just let go, find someone closer.

 

 

Thank you.

- V

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry you're hurting, OP. I gather you have never met in person?

 

I hate to say it, but I wonder if he's met someone local and didn't know how to tell you.

[Vanderson]

Thank you for reading, and replying.

 

No, we have no yet. We had plans for the end of this summer to finally meet. He was planning on traveling here, as he already has a passport.

 

I had considered that a few times. Ironically, we made a verbal agreement with one another that, should either of us find someone locally, we would stay in touch as usual, and let each other know.

Whether or not he is upholding to that, I cannot say.

 

Thank you again.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thank you for reading, and replying.

 

No, we have no yet. We had plans for the end of this summer to finally meet. He was planning on traveling here, as he already has a passport.

 

I had considered that a few times. Ironically, we made a verbal agreement with one another that, should either of us find someone locally, we would stay in touch as usual, and let each other know.

Whether or not he is upholding to that, I cannot say.

 

Thank you again.

 

Unfortunately, this is the problem in these scenarios. You have no of knowing how truthful he is or if he would actually have it in him to be honest and tell you he's met another girl. I think that's the most probable explanation here. Do you have him on any social media platforms?

 

I think you have to ask yourself how feasible and sustainable this arrangement really was though, in the end. You live on different continents, and haven't had the chance to meet even once in the 10 years you've communicated. Sometimes these things are just too hard to take offline and into real-life.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting. His sudden disappearance is certainly confusing. However, it will probably serve as a turning point for you not to continue holding out hope for this to become something more.

[Vanderson]

That is very true, and I am very open to accepting the fact that he might have found another girl.

I think the worst part is the lack of honesty, really.

 

As far as other media platforms, he isn't big on using social media. I have him on an IMing app, and one other platform that he hasn't been using since this space was requested from him.

 

I think this experience will serve as a turning point, because being strung along like this is not fair to myself.

 

I really appreciate your time, and thoughts, thank you for sharing. It has given me something to think about most definitely.

[anna121]

Aside from him, how many men have you been in love with?

 

I know you had a plan to meet this summer, but no broader long-term plans, right? Would you feel comfortable raising such an issue with him?

 

If not, then I guess I'm wondering what kind of relationship this is. Do you think of him as your boyfriend?

[Vanderson]

I don't think I have, other than with him. I've been with two others, but I have never connected, or felt as strongly. Definitely not been in love with them.

 

We were both very comfortable with discussing the future, and long-term plans.

We both were aware that it wouldn't be easy, or cheap. We agreed, though, that we cared enough about each other that it would be worth it. That we wanted to be together, physically.

First of all, though, we wanted to meet, and see how he liked the states/if we were comfortable with each other. If everything was good, he'd like to be here with me. We even discussed silly, little plans, such as working out together, and routines like that.

 

As far as the "boyfriend" thing goes, that was something we wanted to wait on until we met. We both know that when you meet, sometimes things are different.

Which is why I said "partner" in the title, because unfortunately I don't know what the label would be, exactly. I don't like using the term "friend" because I see him as more than that.

 

Thank you for replying.

[Seriousperson]

Yes you should be concerned about him asking for space. I was in one LDR and almost started another one before that. When the communication got bad and I sensed something was off, I approached the guy I was w/at the time. I was confused when the guys (dated them separately) asked for space. Asking for space was a way to pacify me, but also break up and not feel as bad. Space is utter BS, even more BS in a LDR because pretty much you have space all the time. I would be very wary as I was hurt pretty bad by guys leading me on w/out wanting commitment.

[Vanderson]

I also sensed something was off when communication was lacking, and now completely stopped. Now I am here!

 

I never thought of the space issue that way, but you are right. It is rather ridiculous.

I had asked him if he felt I was smothering him, if that is what this was about, and he said no. He just needed time for himself.

 

Thank you for your input.

[HarmonyDriven]

My question(s): Should I be panicking over his need for space? And should I just be patient, and see where it goes?

I feel like I really need to just hang in there, but I'm told by sources who have not been in a LDR or anything to just let go, find someone closer.

 

 

I knew someone who was in an LDR relationship with a guy who wanted some space. No contact 3-4 weeks. My friend left voice mail messages and text messages, no responses. Later, she finds out he was arrested and sent to jail. Obviously, my friend was devastated. She moved on, got married to someone else and has 2 kids.

 

Not to say this has happened in your case but if you don't keep in regular contact, who is to say what is going on with this person.....in another relationship?

 

IMO, the issue for me would be never meeting in over a 10 year span. Ultimately, I think you should find someone closer to you, someone you can actually meet, talk to, hug, kiss, etc.........all the things that are missing in your LDR.

 

Good luck

[Vanderson]

Oh my! I'm very sorry to hear that about your friend. ):

Unfortunately, I guess the unknown is a large part of ldr.

I'm glad everything worked out for her, in the end though.

 

Thank you for the kind words.

[Seriousperson]

I also sensed something was off when communication was lacking, and now completely stopped. Now I am here!

 

I never thought of the space issue that way, but you are right. It is rather ridiculous.

I had asked him if he felt I was smothering him, if that is what this was about, and he said no. He just needed time for himself.

 

Thank you for your input.

 

No reason to feel bad, when I was having issues, I asked my friend. She was like why does he need space? He is hundreds of miles away. Move on as you will be so much happier when you find a guy who you don't have to fight for, one that wants to be w/you.

[kendahke]

He's seeing someone else.

 

The self loathing is a result of guilt. That emotive reaction doesn't materialize out of thin air.

 

In truth, your whole relationship has been played out out of each other's presence. Relationships happen in person and he's probably found someone in Germany who piques his interest enough to where he's looking into it.

[Vanderson]

I'm starting to think that this is the most logical answer.

Maybe he just finds that a local relationship is easier, quicker.

Which, in all honesty, it is.

 

It just sucks that I emotionally invested myself in him.

 

Crap happens, I suppose.

 

Thank you.

[Chilli]

But no there's also mental space to don't forget.

 

My LD gf and l spoke pretty well all day every day but sometimes one of us just needed the mental break and space for a few days, clear our heads and to not be messaging or on the phone all day for once.

Not saying his is just that though sorry , l wish it was for you but yeah , it is sounding suss.

[Vanderson]

What does suss mean?

 

Sorry.

[Chilli]

like , there could be something else going on with him.

[Vanderson]

Oh! I thought so, but I wasn't sure.

Yeah, I keep that in mind, when trying to be patient with him.

 

It does sound kind of bad, though.

 

I dunno. Thank you for your input, though.