pepsimax Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 Hi, I have been in love with this MM for 5 years. He is very recently divorced. He has been with the same woman for nearly 20 years and he is only 38 and he isn't one that had affairs. I really want a relationship with him. We are good friends and the other day things got a bit sexual and he finally french kissed me. It was amazing. However, today I saw him and a mutual friend. And I am so heartbroken. We were speaking about this woman we know and how she speaks to her ex husband. I told them that when i got divorced there was no screaming or shouting. So the MM (not anymore) said to me that trying to market myself won't work. I am devastated. I really want him. He even spoke to me about Tinder..talking about insensitive. My friend said that i must understand that now he will want to party and i must let him and be there for him when he will want a serious relationship. However, I don't know how I should be around him and what to do in order for him to want a serious relationship with me once he is ready for it. I am interested in hearing from mainly divorced men or anyone with this experience about their experiences and what to do if I want a serious relationship with him one day. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 What he said is not necessarily insensitive because he probably has no idea how you feel. Did you tell him? Men are not psychic. They can barely read a woman's feelings even when you come right out and tell them so it's pretty unlikely he was being insensitive towards you. For now - fade away. Let him recover. After my divorce I had no interest in another relationship (or in women at all) for 3 years. Even if he does get with you it will be a rebound and very likely to fail. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pepsimax Posted June 5, 2017 Author Share Posted June 5, 2017 He has known for a long time..not something I was able to hide well. He also kissed me the other day..things got heated so he was being insensitive. I am willing to forgive him for that and continue with my life and whatever. If he asks me about dating apps or asks about girls should I help him? I really don't want to..it will be too difficult. I have no idea what to do or not do around him if I want any hope of a serious relationship with him when he will be ready for that. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 If he asks me about dating apps or asks about girls should I help him? I really don't want to..it will be too difficult. Then, if the question comes up, I would tell him this honestly and up front. I have no idea what to do or not do around him if I want any hope of a serious relationship with him when he will be ready for that. You're really asking what will the future hold... and I'm afraid no-one has the answer to that question. All you can do is ask him if he feels the same as you do. If so then you can try a relationship (although chances are it would be a rebound if he's not ready yet). If he's not interested then all you can do is pull back and let him recover. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 Yeah, if he's recently divorced after 20 yrs then he won't be ready for a real serious relationship for a while. However I don't think it's a good idea for you to hang around him being his supportive friend either because if he spends the next year or so freely dating while your waiting nearby he won't ever consider you as a possible serious relationship. Your too easy to have, too accommodating. You should pretty much leave him to himself while you pursue your interests and date others. Let him recover from his divorce and sow some oats but also let him wonder about you and maybe miss you a little. If you become sparse then that will spark some interest, if you're just hanging on waiting like a loyal puppy then he will never be interested. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 After fetch kissing you, he didn't think much about it or you. That should be your answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Bella_Lee Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 Hi @pepsimax, you are worthy of true love. From what you've said, you feel this recently divorced man knows how you feel about him but his behavior for now does not reflect a mutual feeling. Considering its been 5 years that you have had these feelings for him, I would suggest you do find time to have a serious discussion with him about your feelings for him. This way you are able to know for certain if you have any future with him. Wish you all the best. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 Sometimes they get one gf during the divorce so as not to be too loud about it, but once the divorce is final they are usually not about to limit themselves to one woman for awhile. Try him again in a year. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 He's using you as a security blanket. He knows you're in love with him and want a friendship and to him that means he is treat you anyway he wants to and you'll stick around. Tell him goodbye. He's not your friend, if he was he wouldn't be playing a game with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 I'm sorry Pepsi, this guy really isn't into you romantically. Start to pull back in order to protect yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pepsimax Posted July 26, 2017 Author Share Posted July 26, 2017 Hi, There is this guy that I have been in love with for a long time and he was married until 2 weeks ago. We are good friends and have been really close. I know from 2 people that he likes my personality. He has kissed me and touched me sexually. I know from his remarks (not to me..he never offended me that way) that he likes slim girls. I am like 20 kgs overweight. He now doesn't want a relationship...doesn't want any woman telling him what to do. My friends say to me that it is obvious that after being in a relationship for 20 years he isn't looking to settle down. He has been with her since he was 20 years old so probably doesn't have a lot of experience with woman and I must understand that he needs to experience single life. They say that this is my time to take care of myself and lose the weight I want (i hate the way i look). They think that once he is ready to settle down and sees how good I look and lost weight and have confidence with myself I can have a relationship with him. Could weight be a factor when considering a serious relationship with someone (not someone that you meet at a bar)? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 26, 2017 Share Posted July 26, 2017 Was/is his exW slim? Does he focus a lot on fitness and appearance? You're you. He's him. If you want to lose weight or change your lifestyle, cool, do that, for you. If it matters to him, it matters. If not, not. That's outside of your control. I'd keep socializing with him, and other men, and see where it goes. I've been divorced and can empathize with the guy regarding freedom. How long did his divorce take? Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted July 26, 2017 Share Posted July 26, 2017 frantically trying to change yourself to attract someone else's attention will almost certainly lead to heartbreak later, when you slip and your weight rebounds and they are like "Oh, you LIED about the REAL YOU." or it doesn't work anyway, and then you get depressed and stop exercising at all and eat a tub of delicious chocolate to drown your sorrows because what's even the point anymore? (Not recommending this, just saying it's known to happen) For goodness sake the guy just got out of a marriage anyway this is not the time to try and snare him for a serious relationship If you want to get fitter, get fitter. Enjoy being you, be active and healthy. Don't pin your life on a target weight or a target man. Building all your hopes around too specific a goal can prompt you to do crazy, unhealthy things to reach it, and to go to pieces afterwards. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pepsimax Posted July 26, 2017 Author Share Posted July 26, 2017 Was/is his exW slim? Does he focus a lot on fitness and appearance? You're you. He's him. If you want to lose weight or change your lifestyle, cool, do that, for you. If it matters to him, it matters. If not, not. That's outside of your control. I'd keep socializing with him, and other men, and see where it goes. I've been divorced and can empathize with the guy regarding freedom. How long did his divorce take? I think it could be the quickest divorce in history..about 3 months. I asked him how he feels after his divorce was finalised..he replied 'Great..free'. From what I understood his wife was suffocating him and didn't have friends so he was her whole life and she was jealous..She sounds like me (excluding the friends part) Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted July 26, 2017 Share Posted July 26, 2017 Do not lose weight in order to attract someone. Do it for you. However, if you DO lose weight to get a relationship, then plan to keep it off. It is unfair to snag a man (or woman) by losing weight and then gain it all back once you "have them." 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pepsimax Posted July 26, 2017 Author Share Posted July 26, 2017 somanymistakes - when we met I was 20 kgs lighter and felt good with myself and I think that is also what attracted him and why we became good friends. I am getting fitter for myself coz I hate seeing pictures of me and also I have a cruise coming up and I want to feel good with myself. I am not doing anything frantically..i know my body and it will take me a while but I will do it About the guy...I think following your comment and carhill's and my friends I need to wake up and realise that I am accepting too much from a guy who just got divorced. I need to take care of myself and be happy with my body and date and have fun for myself. If I lose 20kgs it isn't too much for my weight and height..according to the BMI calculator I am now obese So 20kgs will be borderline normal weight/overweight. Then I can buy the clothes I want and be healthy and feel light Link to post Share on other sites
Author pepsimax Posted July 26, 2017 Author Share Posted July 26, 2017 Do not lose weight in order to attract someone. Do it for you. However, if you DO lose weight to get a relationship, then plan to keep it off. It is unfair to snag a man (or woman) by losing weight and then gain it all back once you "have them." Losing weight isn't coz of him only..it is something I have wanted to do and tried doing before his divorce. I spoke about it with my friend who knows about nutrition before I knew about the divorce coz it bothers me. I am just wondering if losing weight can make someone want you more? I know that my friend liked this guy as a friend only but not romantically coz he was overweight. He started working out and lost weight and now she is interested in him (but she did like his personality before). BTW..I think someone asked me if his ex was thin...she isn't skinny at all but she is thin...definitely far from overweight. Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted July 26, 2017 Share Posted July 26, 2017 Ok, so you are going to lose 20 kg's to please a man who doesn't want to be in a relationship because he doesn't want a woman to tell him what to do? I know he hasn't made any request to you directly to lose the weight, but do you realize how backwards that sounds. He won't let a woman dictate his life, but you'll let him dictate yours just for a chance with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted July 26, 2017 Share Posted July 26, 2017 Yes, guys who prefer thinner women can develop attraction if you lose weight. Guys can also lose attraction if you gain weight. I've seen attractive women put on a lot of weight and no longer found them attractive. I've seen girls who were once overweight get a TON more male attention once they lost it. But, if you are thin when you meet a guy and then get larger he may lose attraction. It doesn't sound like he's an ideal match considering he doesn't want a RL but losing weight can only help you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wookin Pa Nub Posted July 26, 2017 Share Posted July 26, 2017 First as someone else said lose weight for yourself not someone else. I lost a good deal of weight and I feel 100X better. It's nice to fit properly into clothes, have confidence, be able to do things, etc. I think most men prefer thin/avg sized vs overweight. But each man has their preferences. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted July 26, 2017 Share Posted July 26, 2017 (edited) Losing weight to attract a man is the oldest trick in the book for women...Its also the dumbest.....I mean, how would a woman like it if a guy rented a Porsche to attract a woman or wore a penis extension over his 2"er., and told her he had a 10 inch dick? If you aren't doing it for yourself, then it will just be another bait and switch, and you will wind up back on the site complaining that the guy wont touch you in the bedroom... If this is just an impetus towards a total life change, then I suppose its OK..It has to be the real you, not the " I whipped myself into shape to get him, now I can go back to my old self" you...That would just about guarantee failure.. Sorry if my post is a bit brash...You sound like a lovely woman and I wish the best for you....Be true to yourself and good things will surely happen.. TFY Edited July 26, 2017 by thefooloftheyear 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 27, 2017 Share Posted July 27, 2017 You may get his attention by losing weight, but you have to understand that weight is very hard to keep off, so if he doesn't want you at your weight now, you could lose weight but then it creeps back on as it nearly always does and then he breaks your heart. I would give him a little time to settle down after his divorce. It sounds like he's no spring chicken, so he probably can't get "thin" women anymore anyway, but honestly, if i were you I'd just give him time to settle and see if he's interested in you the way you are. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted July 27, 2017 Share Posted July 27, 2017 Weight is not hard to keep off if you don't revert to your previous lifestyle that led to the weight gain in the first place. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted July 27, 2017 Share Posted July 27, 2017 (edited) if you feel unhappy with the way you look and you really want to change then do so.....because it will make you happier and more confident.....dont ever change for a guy.....when i am in a relationship i tend to lose weight just because i dont eat my feelings i share them......when all is good that is...when things go bad adn he isnt a guy i can really be open with i again tend to eat my feelings......in double chocolate ice cream with quadruple chocolate chips.........it is worse for me than actually beign single and eating my feelings.... all in all ...if guy would only have you slim....wouldnt instil confidence in changing body shapes or illness that you may gain weight at some time in your life with him...........thick or thin comes to mind...if you truly love someone ...thick or thin..... if you wish to lose weight do it for you....not for him.....a guy should look a bit deeper than the meat suit you are in to truly love who you are...as far as attraction goes....seeing your heart and who you are as a person should be a decider for love attraction.....otherwise...its really only lust......deb Edited July 27, 2017 by todreaminblue Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 27, 2017 Share Posted July 27, 2017 You seem to keep asking the same questions, about the same guy, phrased differently. Sorry, my answer is the same as it was when you first asked. He's not interested in a relationship, and losing weight will not change his mind on that issue. It might make him want to hook up with you more, but it won't make him want a relationship. Sorry. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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