Why does this hurt so much?

[ashadetree]

During my recent relationship of 4 months I had lots of feelings of uncertainty, and questioned my attraction to my gf. I issues with her having very high expectations because she had JUST gotten out of a 3 year relationship (and I mean just) and lots of times I got overwhelmed by how much she wanted from me right off the bat. However I tried to persevere, but her constant pressure and need for attention from me was making me pull away.

I also questioned the fundamental compatibility of our personalities. I think we were just so, so different and it wasn't gelling.

 

I had so many thoughts of needing to end it, but I wanted to keep trying. In the end she ended up emotionally cheating on me and then broke it off without even trying (I was willing to forgive and work on the relationship).

 

She is still in contact with me almost every day (I might soon institute NC) but I'm currently in the denial phase.

 

My question is, WHY DO I FEEL SO DEVASTATED? Why should I feel so upset when I thought numerous times that it might be better if we went our separate ways? I miss her so much and just wish we could at least try to fix things.

 

Now all I can think about is how much affection she showed me, and how I just didn't return it to her level. I almost hate myself for how I acted in the relationship. But I started to bring up my issues with intimacy with my therapist and was seriously attempting to work on them in the relationship and ensure we were communicating. And for that week my gf noticed things were changing and felt different (in a good way). But then **** hit the fan, she emotionally cheated, and left. Before I could begin to open the lines of communication again.

 

This was my first serious intimate relationship. And now I feel like I can't trust anyone when they show me affection because they can just leave without even trying to work on things.

 

Also her texts to me in the aftermath are haunting me because she's almost a completely different person. And I can't understand why she keeps contacting me through all forms of social media if she wanted to end things. I told her I wanted us to try to work things out. But she said she needed to be single and figure out herself and how she could hurt someone she cared about so much (me, with the emotional cheating).

[d0nnivain]

If this was your 1st serious intimate relationship that is why you are so devastated. The intimacy from sex is intense so if you never experienced it before the fact that it was here & now is gone is disconcerting.

 

Do talk to your therapist about this but I see red flags all over the place.

 

* She was rebounding (just out of an LTR & not really ready for a new relationship)

 

* You talk about her "emotionally cheating" as the cause of your break up. You were only together for 120 days; how much emotional connection could you two have actually formed that she transferred it to someone else? You're expectations were unreasonable & disproportionate

 

* You were forcing things & you thought repeatedly about ending it. You said yourself you tried to "persevere" You never got out of what should have been the honeymoon stage. It really should not have been that tough. The beginning of a good relationship is easy & stress free. It all just clicks.

 

If you are still talking to her & she's contacting you, I guess I need more specifics to understand this alleged emotional cheating. It sounds to me that she wants to continue this relationship & she likes you (to the extent that she is capable of that given my theory that you are a rebound). Personally I think EA is a crock although it's a slippery slope in a long term marriage. You two don't have enough time together for this to be a thing.

 

So what do you want here? Reconciliation? Absolution? A time machine?

[elaine567]

When YOU thought it wasn't working and YOU thought of ending it, YOU were in control. YOU would decide if you wanted to fix things, YOU would decide if things were good or hopeless.

YOU thought you were the one who could pick it up or put it down at will, BUT when SHE made the decision to end things YOU were no longer in control and that was upsetting and disconcerting at the same time.

 

YOU then realised that relationships involve two people and that YOU do not get to be in control of the other person.

They make their own decisions and if they want to leave you, there is usually absolutely nothing you can do about it...

 

We are all used to unconditional love from our parents and relatives, it is thus a big shock to the system when we realise that romantic love is not everlasting. If we mess it up or he/she falls out of love with us, it can all be gone in an instant.

[CAG]

If we mess it up or he/she falls out of love with us, it can all be gone in an instant.

 

I probably needed to hear that, but that hurt. I WAS in control, I did mess up and she did fall out of love with me. Now that I've been dumped (for someone else), it's a total shock to the system and embarrassing.

[FenixRising]

Hello, I'm sorry to hear your first serious relationship ended this way with the uncertainty on your side and emotional cheating/ leaving on hers.

It hurts so much because it means something

 

I briefly saw your other post about her throwing breadcrumbs in the aftermath, I'll comment about that in a minute.

 

Both of you being female (and first intimate serious relationship) is sooo intense!! For me (Also f loving f) *high-fives you* 4 months is the super in-depth connecting time. As you know the dynamic is completely different- your 4 months, the connection you formed and the emotions you are feeling are valid.

 

Right now, I know you mentioned you are thinking of initiating No contact, I say don't put it off any longer and start No Contact immediately. The pain will only get worse if you keep up to date with your ex, her sending breadcrumbs.

 

It sounds as though you really put heaps of effort into the relationship (another reason it's hurting so much is because you really invested) be proud you did that and went to therapy for help. She made her decision in the end. She wants to be single so now it's time to completely let her be. Start with 30 days of No contact and have a look at some of the guides on here.

 

Feeling like you won't be able to trust again is natural, but you certainly will. I found that NC was a good time for me to look into boundaries, self-respect and self-love.

 

Part of that is not allowing yourself to read/absorb her hot and cold behaviour she's giving. The only way is to detach. It's not rude or wrong even though it may feel like it.

 

I'd say hold off from asking her out on dates etc. too until you can find clarity in the reasons you don't like her behaviour (both during and after the relationship). Detach from social media where you can and try not to look into every 'like', 'post' she does. I am an overthinker and I definitely struggle with thinking 'why she liked my stuff? does this mean___" hehe. It's super hard, but slowly you will feel the pain ease. Not every day but most days.

 

I think if it wasn't very clear from the last time you met up/ texted, it's best to ask for space from her ie. no texting, snaps. So you both are on the same page with communication and boundaries. As much as you want her right now, you need to want yourself much much more.

 

Best of luck. I'm here if you need to chat anytime

[Frostedflake]

During my recent relationship of 4 months I had lots of feelings of uncertainty, and questioned my attraction to my gf.

 

 

It hurts because she took away your option to end it yourself.

What stuck out to me about your post is the very first thing you mentioned was your own doubts about the relationship. To me, that says you weren't that into it but it wasn't bad enough to leave or you might be the type who needs a replacement before tossing out the old thing.

 

It sucks. I get it. It does a number on the ego.

But I think you can find the positive is that you can start moving on now vs hesitating. You just got saved a whole lot of time and potential back-and-forth thinking.

[ashadetree]

I just wanna thank everyone and especially FenixRising for such a great response. Your post made so much sense to me. I'm spending a week at home and it's really helping me to get out of the situation to reset my head.

 

My ex is still texting me several times a day, snapchatting me, sending me Instagram videos. I got the classic "U still up?" drunk text last night (I got it in the morning) but I just rolled my eyes. Like, you can't even think of anything original?

I keep responding and I haven't initiated NC yet.

I initiate the contact sometimes, but it's mostly her.

 

However, she is texting as if she has changed into a completely different person. Her texts seem sloppy or she uses wording so that I can't always figure out her meaning. She's putting on this tough front, and it's starting to annoy me, but in a strange way it's helping me remove the rose colored glasses. I'm like....maybe it's for the best if she can suddenly change and act like this. She did have a drunk alter ego that I really didn't like, and if we were still dating we would DEFINITELY be having a conversation about it.

 

She's partying really hard and drinking a lot. It almost seems like she's overcompensating or something. I can't begin to figure out what her motivations are. And in some ways now I am almost starting to not care. A few of her texts made me put down my phone and go "ew". She's not being mean, just....she's acting off.

 

I don't know why I'm still engaging. I still miss her but I'm starting to see that it's maybe for the best. Although we share a lot of similar interests, we have such different personalities and it's one of the main reasons we didn't connect sometimes.

 

Her previous ex of 3 years was incredibly toxic and it sounded like a very very difficult relationship. Apparently her ex attempted suicide not too long after their breakup. So, I wonder if she's going through something really difficult that I can't even begin to understand She would allude to how her previous relationship affected her, but she never really went into detail. But the tidbits she shared didn't sound very good :/

 

Blah I don't know. I'm feeling a lot better (no sick feeling and crying) about the whole thing and trying to think positively about the future, but I'm still feeling a lot of confusion. I should go NC, but I'm not at the point where I can will myself to do it yet.

 

This is my first time doing this kind of thing (relationship and breakup) and I guess I just have to feel it out and experience it all and see how I cope with each step.

 

Additionally after I came out I spent 5 years single and getting rejected before I found my ex (to be fair, I did some rejecting as well). It was so much bad luck my therapist didn't even have any more suggestions for me! I had done so much work and self improvement and was doing all the recommended things. She was just like "I think the only thing wrong is that you're having a really bad run of bad luck". I think I wanted this relationship to work SO bad, because we really hit it off in the beginning and I was like, finally! So I think I'm just mourning the loss of a relationship in general, one that I just wanted so badly to work.