Should I pretend to have another woman, to see how wife responds?

[nyr_fan]

Hi all. Any advice would be appreciated. I have been debating about this for a couple of weeks now.

 

Here's my situation. My wife left me a few months ago. She had an affair with a co-worker, and is now staying at her mothers. She insists the affair is over, but she never talks about us getting together, or getting a divorce.

 

I feel like I am being held in limbo here, until SHE makes up her mind what she wants to do. I am getting sick of waiting. I love her and would like to work things out eventually, but not only on her terms.

 

I have read alot of self-help books, and all of them say to start dating others, and make her realize she could lose me. I really dont want to date others right now, but want to see if she would care if I was.

 

My question is, should I pretend I am seeing someone else? I could either tell her I am, or have someone else mention something to her, like they saw me with someone else, or something like that.

 

 

I know this sounds stupid or desperate, but I just want to know if its really over or not, and this sounds to me like it might help me find out. Any advice?

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by nyr_fan

I know this sounds stupid or desperate, but I just want to know if its really over or not, and this sounds to me like it might help me find out. Any advice?

 

I know the feeling.. But man it is desperate..

 

instead of faking a girlfriend.. Why don't you spend the same time and look at your life and do some self reflection.

 

She cheated on you !! That is the worst thing that a wife can do to fu*k up a marriage.

 

I think you need to step back and decide if it is even possible to put it back together.. If she is up for it MC.. If she isn't your never gonna repair the leak.

 

 

Don't wait .. Move On.. Really move on..If it's meant to be you will find each other again.

[Shana]

Move on.. she left you, it would not be cheating.. your finding new relationships.. but eh, don't f with the new person just to get back at your wife, because that's just not nice.

[Lil Honey]

I agree.

 

IF you feel that you would be able to look past what she has done, then you don't have to be in limbo, making changes according to her terms.

 

Ask her if she is willing to try to make it work. All she can do is say, "No."

 

You can make changes with the help of a marriage counselor according to your terms as a couple. Marriage isn't supposed to be one-sided anyway. (Which might be part of the original problem.)

 

If you feel that you can't forgive and forget what has happened, go to counseling on your own and move on.

[JPMorgan]

This just burns me. SHE cheated on you -- IF she is interested in salvaging the marriage then it should be on YOUR terms. If she's not 500% for that then she doesn't want the marriage. Don't ask her - TELL her.

 

You have until such-and-such date to tell me if you are interested in trying to save the marriage

 

1. If you say YES you are interested this is what will happen:

 

A. We will begin marriage counseling on such-and-such date

(like the day of or day after she says Yes to #1)

 

B. I will work hard to understand my role in the marriage and

any behaviors or attitudes that hurt you so much that you felt it would be OK to cheat

 

C. YOU will do the same, plus I expect some contrition in your attitude since you ARE the one who cheated.

 

2. If you say NO then get your stuff and you'll hear from my attorney.

 

3. If you say MAYBE or I DON'T KNOW get your stuff and you'll hear from my attorney.

 

 

Don't play dishonest games with her it will not benefit either of you.

[nyr_fan]

Thanks for the advice guys.

 

I guess I shouldn't play stupid games, and face the facts that the marriage is heading towards being over. That is my gut feeling, anyway. I just figured if she had a hint of losing me to someone else, she might wake up and smell the roses.

 

The grass isnt ever greener on the other side, and she'll see it sooner or later. She says she aint seeing this chump no more, but she is full of sh*t. She works with this guy, and sees him five days a week. Don't tell me there is no relationship going on with this guy anymore all of a sudden, cause I don't buy it.

 

She has said before that she dosen't think we will make it, and that she "loves me, but is not 'in love' with me anymore". Give me a freakin' break. Thirteen years together, and you no longer love someone? I dont think so.

 

I have suggested counseling, mainly for her to get her head together, before any decisions are made about anything. Maybe the best thing to do is move on, and try to forget about her.

 

She says even if we split, she wants to not lose me as a friend, but I don't think so. I would rather move on completely I think and turn the page if it comes to that. We'll see what happens.

 

Have any of you guys got someone back or know someone who has fixed a relationship by having someone else?

[Trashman]

I didn't actually read your post, but reading the subject line told me all I needed to know, and the answer is NO.

[Shana]

Originally posted by nyr_fan

Thanks for the advice guys.

 

I guess I shouldn't play stupid games, and face the facts that the marriage is heading towards being over. That is my gut feeling, anyway. I just figured if she had a hint of losing me to someone else, she might wake up and smell the roses.

 

The grass isnt ever greener on the other side, and she'll see it sooner or later. She says she aint seeing this chump no more, but she is full of sh*t. She works with this guy, and sees him five days a week. Don't tell me there is no relationship going on with this guy anymore all of a sudden, cause I don't buy it.

 

She has said before that she dosen't think we will make it, and that she "loves me, but is not 'in love' with me anymore". Give me a freakin' break. Thirteen years together, and you no longer love someone? I dont think so.

 

I have suggested counseling, mainly for her to get her head together, before any decisions are made about anything. Maybe the best thing to do is move on, and try to forget about her.

 

She says even if we split, she wants to not lose me as a friend, but I don't think so. I would rather move on completely I think and turn the page if it comes to that. We'll see what happens.

 

Have any of you guys got someone back or know someone who has fixed a relationship by having someone else?

 

 

If you did not say you were married for thirteen years I would have sworn you were my sisters husband, she just split with her husband after 9 months of marriage .. she is now with a co-worker who she sees 5 days a week.. man. Its sad. I do feel for you!

[smd001]

Man, I have a similar situation as you. Even though I did not catch my wife, or she has not acknowledged it. My gut instinct told me she did and some of her actions indicated that she has been unfaithful. I moved out of her house about a week ago and have started to do me.

 

So much for all that man serve your wife routine, it made me too soft.

 

I do know, that if you don't initiate contact with them, if they do care for you, they will call you with small talk. The key is, what words you say when they do reach out to you. I am still trying to figure that one out. In the meantime, I have started to date and I realize that I am a good catch for someone.

[nyr_fan]

The one thing I have decided to do was not call her anymore and see if she calls at all. I have not talked to her in a little over a week, and she hasn't called yet. In almost all our previous calls or getting together since she moved in with her mother, I have initiated contact.

 

I have vowed to not initiate contact until she does. The thing that surprises me is that she never even calls to see how I am, or how our pets are, or anything. Maybe she really dosen't care at all anymore, I dont know. Dont you think she would at least call once in a while to see how I am?

 

Shana, let me know a little more about your sister's situation if you dont mind. Maybe I can relate. Thanks.

[whichwayisup]

I guess I shouldn't play stupid games, and face the facts that the marriage is heading towards being over. That is my gut feeling, anyway. I just figured if she had a hint of losing me to someone else, she might wake up and smell the roses.

 

Actually it would get her more if you said you'd rather be alone than be with her. To her, that's saying ALOT. It would make feel stronger too, to make that choice of being alone rather than "waiting" for her to decide if she wants to stayed married to you. YOU have the power, not her...She may think she has the power but you get the choice in the end whether or not you allow her back into the house.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

[Mr.positive]

Originally posted by Shana

Move on.. she left you, it would not be cheating.. your finding new relationships.. but eh, don't f with the new person just to get back at your wife, because that's just not nice.

 

That wouldn't be good for you to do that . Stay on the higher level that your on and also fly on the wall gives great advice and I would reallay listen to what he has to say. Good luck with everything.

[nyr_fan]

Actually it would get her more if you said you'd rather be alone than be with her. To her, that's saying ALOT.

 

whichwayisup...why do think it would get to her more if I said I'd rather be alone than with her or someone else. You think she would feel more hurt by this?

 

Thanks for all the advice from everyone. I think I am leaning towards not even trying to save the marriage anymore. I have been doing NC for a few weeks now and she hasn't even bothered to try to make contact herself. This just shows me she either dosen't care anymore, or she's still screwing around...Ill keep ya posted.

[whichwayisup]

It just means that you'd rather be alone than be with her. That hurts. Atleast if I were her it would. But either way, you say you're with someone else that will still hurt her. She may not let you know it, but it will.