Any Multidating Tips???

[Dis]

Hi guys!

 

So after 5 months of being off OLD and swearing on all that is holy I'd never use OLD again... I'm back on!

 

I've always been a serial monogamist even in the very early stages of dating. Once I get to chatting with someone, my mind hyperfocuses on that one person and I cant seem to look elsewhere. Yes, its great to focus on one person at a time and give that person a chance. But on the other side of the coin, I've had a lot of problems with worrying, obsessing and creating fanatsies because I focused TOO much on that one person

 

I've come to the conclusion that because I'm such a severe overthinker I need to multidate! I feel like it will alleviate some of that pressure and stress.

 

Dilemma, I dont know how to not get carried away (in my mind) with one person. I need to learn how to branch out, be more realistic and focus on a few guys at a time. Its like I become too attached right off the bat and have no interest in thinking about anyone. As you can imagine, that thought process creates a lot of problems when things go south and all my hopes fall to the wayside

 

I'm currently talking to a few guys so I need to get this sorted out

 

Any tips would be greatly appreciated! Thanks guys!

[Dis]

I'm already starting to get tunnel vision on one of them

[No_Go]

Are you sure you want to multidate Dis?

 

Maybe just try to not give your prospects more than 2 dates and meet asap . That way you can screen many without multi dating, like 2 per week.

[d0nnivain]

Try focusing on 1 date at a time.

 

 

I tried not to even let my brain, let alone my heart, care until at least one month in.

 

 

You take baby steps. After the 1st date you can look ahead to the 2nd date but not beyond. After the 1st week you can look to the 2nd month. Around Thanksgiving, assuming you have been on at least 2-3 dates you can start wondering / dreaming if you will have a date for New Years Eve but that is my sole exception to the don't look too far ahead rule.

 

 

when you feel yourself slipping & getting what you call tunnel vision remind yourself "Whoops, not time yet" and redirect your brain. Force yourself to talk to a different person.

[Usename12]

How long do you plan to multi-date with a guy? Of course, until you're sure, but do you have a rough idea? A week, two weeks? The longer you see two guys simultaneously, the worse you might feel. You definitely don't want to find yourself in some sitcom situation where you are in a restaurant with one guy and the other is there. Keep in mind that these guys might be multi-dating too.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I don't see any reason for you to do this if it's not who you are. Just my opinion!

[Dis]

How long do you plan to multi-date with a guy? Of course, until you're sure, but do you have a rough idea? A week, two weeks? The longer you see two guys simultaneously, the worse you might feel. You definitely don't want to find yourself in some sitcom situation where you are in a restaurant with one guy and the other is there. Keep in mind that these guys might be multi-dating too.

 

The bold, see thats why I think it would be a good idea to multidate because they could be doing the same. Weighing their options. I dont want to put all my eggs in one basket when the guy is shopping around

 

I dont have a definitive length of time but I think when I really start to feel something and have made a good judgment call...I'll know. I wouldnt do it for too long

[Dis]

I don't see any reason for you to do this if it's not who you are. Just my opinion!

 

Girl, you could be correct lol because I havent gotten back to the other guys because I'm so focused on this one in particular

 

Ugh! I hate it!

 

Help me get unfocused!

 

Dating one guy at a time had never worked for me in the past. Every guy I did that with turned out to be a disappointment. I need to change things up

[Cookiesandough]

I don't see any reason for you to do this if it's not who you are. Just my opinion!

 

Yep. Every attempt at this for me goes like this:

 

-On date with guy I'm barely into but I'm forcing myself to multi -date-

 

Man, I wish I was with bae right now. He's so perfect. I wonder what he's doing . Better not be on a date.

 

-Phone buzzes-

 

'Ohhhh!!! Is that him!! Ugh I can't check 'til this guy goes to the bathroom

 

"Oh yeah, totally. That's awesome. Excuse me, I need to go to the restroom real quick. :)"

 

-Runs to check phone-

 

Damn, just the other guy im multi-dating :/

[d0nnivain]

So pick a # in your head, for me it was 3 strikes & you're out. Go on 3 dates with a guy & at that point decide if you want to continue or be done. Sometimes you will know sooner. Be decisive.

 

 

When I met my husband I was juggling 3 guys. I went on a 1st date with all of them. One was an automatic no after that. I really liked my husband but his behavior befuddled me -- no kiss good night. The 3rd guy was the most outgoing. He & my husband got a second date. The 3rd guy & I crossed wires on the 2nd date; he had picked a chain restaurant but we each went to a different location. It was a lunch date so there was no time for one to drive to the other. Then he left for a business trip. We talked once while he was away but by the time he got back, I'd already had 4 dates with my husband & was hooked.

 

 

You just need to test the waters but know yourself & be able to make a decision.

[Dis]

Try focusing on 1 date at a time.

 

 

I tried not to even let my brain, let alone my heart, care until at least one month in.

 

 

You take baby steps. After the 1st date you can look ahead to the 2nd date but not beyond. After the 1st week you can look to the 2nd month. Around Thanksgiving, assuming you have been on at least 2-3 dates you can start wondering / dreaming if you will have a date for New Years Eve but that is my sole exception to the don't look too far ahead rule.

 

 

when you feel yourself slipping & getting what you call tunnel vision remind yourself "Whoops, not time yet" and redirect your brain. Force yourself to talk to a different person.

 

So pick a # in your head, for me it was 3 strikes & you're out. Go on 3 dates with a guy & at that point decide if you want to continue or be done. Sometimes you will know sooner. Be decisive.

 

 

When I met my husband I was juggling 3 guys. I went on a 1st date with all of them. One was an automatic no after that. I really liked my husband but his behavior befuddled me -- no kiss good night. The 3rd guy was the most outgoing. He & my husband got a second date. The 3rd guy & I crossed wires on the 2nd date; he had picked a chain restaurant but we each went to a different location. It was a lunch date so there was no time for one to drive to the other. Then he left for a business trip. We talked once while he was away but by the time he got back, I'd already had 4 dates with my husband & was hooked.

 

 

You just need to test the waters but know yourself & be able to make a decision.

 

This is all stellar advice D0nnivain!

 

I'm going to refer back to it for sure to keep myself in check

 

I usually have no problem knowing when to move forward and when to call it quits. Its like building things up in my mind that I have a problem with. Like creating a whole fairy tale out of nothing. Thats why I zoom in on one guy because I cant do 2 fairy tales at a time

 

I'm already not responding to the other two. Just zooming in on the other one. I hate being like this though because I dont know that the one I'm focusing on is the best match for me. Its just our convos are kind of deep (that always gets me) and the other two are more surfacey. One of them works 3rd shift so I'm already thinking that wouldnt work

 

Too much thinking!

[No_Go]

Cookies you describe my experience to the T

 

No way I can multi-date, and I based on observations of previous threads, exactly the same holds for Dis.

 

 

Yep. Every attempt at this for me goes like this:

 

-On date with guy I'm barely into but I'm forcing myself to multi -date-

 

Man, I wish I was with bae right now. He's so perfect. I wonder what he's doing . Better not be on a date.

 

-Phone buzzes-

 

'Ohhhh!!! Is that him!! Ugh I can't check 'til this guy goes to the bathroom

 

"Oh yeah, totally. That's awesome. Excuse me, I need to go to the restroom real quick. :)"

 

-Runs to check phone-

 

Damn, just the other guy im multi-dating :/

[lana-banana]

Yep. Every attempt at this for me goes like this:

 

-On date with guy I'm barely into but I'm forcing myself to multi -date-

 

Man, I wish I was with bae right now. He's so perfect. I wonder what he's doing . Better not be on a date.

 

-Phone buzzes-

 

'Ohhhh!!! Is that him!! Ugh I can't check 'til this guy goes to the bathroom

 

"Oh yeah, totally. That's awesome. Excuse me, I need to go to the restroom real quick. :)"

 

-Runs to check phone-

 

Damn, just the other guy im multi-dating :/

 

This was NEVER my experience when multi-dating. I was like d0nnivain; three dates was all it took. If I wasn't feeling sufficiently invested after three dates, it was over. I never once juggled phone numbers or wanted to be with someone else; I just made sure I stayed open to other guys for at least the first three dates. Yeah, sometimes I went on a first date with a new guy and a second date with another guy in the same week or so, but that was it. I never had any kind of sexual contact while multi-dating. It was just getting to know people simultaneously.

 

The first three months are essentially an audition period. Many seemingly promising relationships break up right around the. After the first few times it happened to me I stopped getting too invested early on. Look, the first few months will always be a cloud of adrenaline, dopamine and pheremones. See how well you enjoy and play off of each other. If these first few months are seamless and exciting as they ought to be, then you have a spark. The next step is to nurture that spark through meeting friends, family, and so on.You don't have any idea about your long-term compatibility until the first time you want to throttle each other at a Home Depot. Once you have seen the worst, ugliest, most awful sides of someone---which takes like a year or more---then you can start thinking about how the very long term will play out.

 

Does that sound like a lot of work? It is. The next time you tempted to fall for a stranger, instead of skipping right to happily ever after, think "I'll let him prove that he's worth it".

[Cookiesandough]

This was NEVER my experience when multi-dating. I was like d0nnivain; three dates was all it took. If I wasn't feeling sufficiently invested after three dates, it was over. I never once juggled phone numbers or wanted to be with someone else; I just made sure I stayed open to other guys for at least the first three dates. Yeah, sometimes I went on a first date with a new guy and a second date with another guy in the same week or so, but that was it. I never had any kind of sexual contact while multi-dating. It was just getting to know people simultaneously.

 

The first three months are essentially an audition period. Many seemingly promising relationships break up right around the. After the first few times it happened to me I stopped getting too invested early on. Look, the first few months will always be a cloud of adrenaline, dopamine and pheremones. See how well you enjoy and play off of each other. If these first few months are seamless and exciting as they ought to be, then you have a spark. The next step is to nurture that spark through meeting friends, family, and so on.You don't have any idea about your long-term compatibility until the first time you want to throttle each other at a Home Depot. Once you have seen the worst, ugliest, most awful sides of someone---which takes like a year or more---then you can start thinking about how the very long term will play out.

 

Does that sound like a lot of work? It is. The next time you tempted to fall for a stranger, instead of skipping right to happily ever after, think "I'll let him prove that he's worth it".

 

These are just coffee/dinner meets im talking . But when youre multi dating don't you kind of have to"Juggle guys"? Because you don't know which when you're going to wind up with. Once you start feeling one(let's say it's been 3 dates) the idea of multi dating is to keep seeing other people even though you are feeling that one specific guy so you "don't get too attached" or so you have back up in case it falls through. Unless I am misunderstanding?I guess I'm just wired to where I can't concentrate my feelings on more than one guy. So once I like him, it's useless to go out for coffee with another one.

Edited August 24, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[lana-banana]

These are just coffee/dinner meets im talking . But when youre multi dating don't you kind of have to"Juggle guys"? Because you don't know which when you're going to wind up with. Once you start feeling one(let's say it's been 3 dates) the idea of multi dating is to keep seeing other people even though you are feeling that one specific guy so you "don't get too attached" or so you have back up in case it falls through. Unless I am misunderstanding?I guess I'm just wired to where I can't concentrate my feelings on more than one guy. So once I like him, it's useless to go out for coffee with another one.

 

I don't understand this. The point of dating is to find someone you like well enough to keep seeing. You don't go on dates with people as "back up"; that's ghastly. If you don't like someone that much, you stop seeing them. This entire thing about dating other people just to stop obsessing over someone else seems misguided. Yeah, it might be helpful to stay aware of other options, but if someone is getting full-blown obsessive after two or three meetings they need to work on themselves psychologically, not pursue more distractions.

 

When I met a guy I liked enough to turn off my account or whatever, we would make it exclusive after 3 dates. The end.

[Cookiesandough]

I don't understand this. The point of dating is to find someone you like well enough to keep seeing. You don't go on dates with people as "back up"; that's ghastly. If you don't like someone that much, you stop seeing them. This entire thing about dating other people just to stop obsessing over someone else seems misguided. Yeah, it might be helpful to stay aware of other options, but if someone is getting full-blown obsessive after two or three meetings they need to work on themselves psychologically, not pursue more distractions.

 

When I met a guy I liked enough to turn off my account or whatever, we would make it exclusive after 3 dates. The end.

 

 

Oh okay. If the definition of 'multidating' being used here is going on a date with more than one person before you find a guy you like, I mean, I think pretty much everyone has done that? That's not what I understood 'multidating' to mean. At least not how it's typically used on this forum. A lot of people are not sure about becoming exclusive after 3 dates. If a woman likes such a person, it's often recommended for her to "see other guys!" That's the multidating I never got/is hard for me.

Edited August 24, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Dis]

Why won't the tunnel vision stop?!

 

I can't message anyone else back now...

 

Ughhhhhhh

 

I havent even been on a date with tunnel vision guy yet. Wtf is wrong with me?

[Seriousperson]

 

Dilemma, I dont know how to not get carried away (in my mind) with one person. I need to learn how to branch out, be more realistic and focus on a few guys at a time. Its like I become too attached right off the bat and have no interest in thinking about anyone. As you can imagine, that thought process creates a lot of problems when things go south and all my hopes fall to the wayside

 

I'm currently talking to a few guys so I need to get this sorted out

 

Any tips would be greatly appreciated! Thanks guys!

 

I am pretty much the same way and I got burned several times. The 1st step is talking to several guys at once. When I 1st started doing that, I felt really weird because I'm a one guy type of girl. Once I started dating more, I no longer felt bad. I had quite a few guys who were promising and in one or another they ended up disappointing me (playing games, wanting only sex etc).

Do not get your hopes up at all until you start getting the proper treatment from the guy. I even got insensitive w/dating until I met the one guy (my current bf), who really treated me well and made me feel special. Once I went on a couple dates w/him and he brought up relationship stuff after a couple dates, I deleted all my dating profiles.

[Dis]

Yep. Every attempt at this for me goes like this:

 

-On date with guy I'm barely into but I'm forcing myself to multi -date-

 

Man, I wish I was with bae right now. He's so perfect. I wonder what he's doing . Better not be on a date.

 

-Phone buzzes-

 

'Ohhhh!!! Is that him!! Ugh I can't check 'til this guy goes to the bathroom

 

"Oh yeah, totally. That's awesome. Excuse me, I need to go to the restroom real quick. :)"

 

-Runs to check phone-

 

Damn, just the other guy im multi-dating :/

 

Hahaha! I would probably do the same thing!

 

Ehh... multidating is easier said than done

[d0nnivain]

I don't understand this. The point of dating is to find someone you like well enough to keep seeing. You don't go on dates with people as "back up"; that's ghastly. If you don't like someone that much, you stop seeing them. This entire thing about dating other people just to stop obsessing over someone else seems misguided. Yeah, it might be helpful to stay aware of other options, but if someone is getting full-blown obsessive after two or three meetings they need to work on themselves psychologically, not pursue more distractions.

 

When I met a guy I liked enough to turn off my account or whatever, we would make it exclusive after 3 dates. The end.

 

 

It's not about stringing people along or playing with their emotions. It's the idea that especially in the age of OLD, it's OK if you go on early 1st, 2nd or 3rd dates with somebody and also go on another date with a different person in the same week. It doesn't make you a bad person if you have coffee with 2-5 different people in the same week to see who is worth talking to again & who doesn't click. They may not chose you anyway.

 

 

For the OP it's about learning to stop planning her wedding to some person she had 1-2 dates with. She needs to learn to put on the brakes. Since she said she can't hold 2 fairytales in her head at the same time, having multiple dates which requires scheduling should keep her brain busy enough during those first few weeks that she isn't writing the fairy tale on only superficial info about the person while letting her imagination fill in the gaps with her dreams rather than who the guy actually is.

[grays]

Ive taken multi-dating to a whole nother level. I have two tracks: one for guys I really like but who I know arent right for a committed relationship (these are the ones I have sex with and some of these turn into substantial relationships, for example right now I have two main guys here, one Ive been seeing a ton for about six months so its hard for me to even have time to spend on the second track and the other is someone I have really adored for a year and a half and usually see once every three or four weeks) and another for the tryouts (since Im still hoping to find one Id be happy to be committed to). It works out kinda well for me except that I keep promoting my tryouts to the really like group which leaves me no time/inclination to meet new tryouts.

 

The nice thing about this for me is that I never feel desperate for any given guy to work out. Im not overly lonely or horny. Im pretty satisfied with my current set up. I think it allows me to be choosier than I would be if I was only dating one person at a time. Im afraid if I was really lonely Id just hang on to someone not right for me.

 

OP, maybe one thing you could do is to multi-talk rather than multi-date? You could date one at a time but already be in the process of picking out the next date before youve met the current, if that makes sense.

[NuevoYorko]

Do you ever watch "The Bachelorette" or "Bachelor in Paradise"? My daughter forced me to watch the former a few times. The Bachelorette could multidate like a boss.

[Steve51]

My wife and I agree that had we insisted on monogamy, we would have divorced a very long time ago. She learned she was bisexual after we married and needed a woman in bed and in her life. We had threesomes with a few of the women she liked and ended up moving her best friend in. Surprise, she was secretly bi two. To make it stranger, all three of my lovers have been bisexual. I have never had a relationship with a hetero woman so we were perfect. I did not know these girls were bi until well into the relationship but I attracted them somehow. My wife says that after having sex with me, they swore off men.

 

Poly life suited us well. It filled both of our needs for another women in our bed and lives. The problem is none of the other poly people we knew made it. Sooner of later someone got jealous or ran off with a partner. We lasted because our girlfriend was a friend of ours since our early teen years. She was a frequent visitor to our house, sometimes taking her vacation at our place. We treated each other as family long before we introduced sex into the relationship. It was not like a sudden change in our life. Our girlfriend would stay with us for weeks at a time. We walked around the house in our underwear and she and I flirted as we did since we were teens. Problem back then was that I was a bad boy and she was a good girl so we never hooked up.

 

Monogamy does not work well according to cheating and divorce statistics. Most people, like you, are serial monogamous. They rather destroy the life they made with their partner just to have sex with someone else. I think our solution is better because no lives are destroyed or divorces needed. You can love more than one person. Like you I zoomed in on one person and that never worked out well. No two people can provide each other with all of their needs. When you expect your partner to be all that you want and then realize he cannot, well, that is when cheating or breakups start.

 

You need to try to undo what society had rammed down your throat about monogamy. It works well for most but not for all. We chose our marriage over all else, including monogamy and made it work. If you look around the internet you will find lots of resources about many poly lifestyles. Take a look.

 

Polyamory: When three isn't a crowd - CNN

 

Rethinking monogamy today - CNN

[Dis]

Do you ever watch "The Bachelorette" or "Bachelor in Paradise"? My daughter forced me to watch the former a few times. The Bachelorette could multidate like a boss.

 

Hahaha!

 

I've seen it once and yes, she was a pro!

[Dis]

 

For the OP it's about learning to stop planning her wedding to some person she had 1-2 dates with. She needs to learn to put on the brakes. Since she said she can't hold 2 fairytales in her head at the same time, having multiple dates which requires scheduling should keep her brain busy enough during those first few weeks that she isn't writing the fairy tale on only superficial info about the person while letting her imagination fill in the gaps with her dreams rather than who the guy actually is.

 

God this is good. Seriously.

 

Now if I can only pull this off!

 

I did message the other guys back. I'm willing myself to do this. I realize since I'm already having trouble this early on (havent even been on a date yet) that multidating might not be possible for me

 

I just hate dreaming about the whole fairy tale only for it to turn into a nightmare. Multidating is the only way I can figure out to help me pump the brakes