CoolJoe Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 I feel it's OK to multi-date early on. However, it shouldn't take you beyond 2-3 dates to figure things out. If you are multi-dating guys 5+ dates in, then I think something needs to be examined further in-depth there. I multi-dated back in July but chose one after the other girl two dates in I just knew there was no spark there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 The sad part for me is usually I am all in after date 1..lol..maybe even on date 1 if it's online and all checks out.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
act00 Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 Try focusing on 1 date at a time. I tried not to even let my brain, let alone my heart, care until at least one month in. You take baby steps. After the 1st date you can look ahead to the 2nd date but not beyond. After the 1st week you can look to the 2nd month. Around Thanksgiving, assuming you have been on at least 2-3 dates you can start wondering / dreaming if you will have a date for New Years Eve but that is my sole exception to the don't look too far ahead rule. when you feel yourself slipping & getting what you call tunnel vision remind yourself "Whoops, not time yet" and redirect your brain. Force yourself to talk to a different person. A friend of mine told me this exactly! It still takes some mental gymnastics to not fantasize, wonder, hope, which whether you're multi-dating or not, it's a good skill to learn. Don't let your thoughts wander beyond a second date and then a third. After one or two months, you can start thinking ahead one or two months. Turn off thoughts as much as possible about the white picket fence or anything too far off in the future. Expand as your relationship expands. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 I don't think multi dating is going to help you Dis. You are doing it, and you are already writing your Disney movie with a guy you haven't even met. I think rather than more guys, you need to focus on other things in your life, so that you see dating as just one part of your life and not this all consuming obsession that can't live up to your fantasy! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 (edited) I would rather think too rosey thoughts about one guy than be near apathetic about 3 guys. Edited August 24, 2017 by Popsicle 4 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 If you are not the type to multi date then just don't do it. What you can do is cut down on investing in someone so quickly, and keep your emotions in check. Then you will be able to make wiser choices. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dis Posted August 25, 2017 Author Share Posted August 25, 2017 I have a date with tunnel vision guys this Sunday. We were both busy this weekend so we planned for Sunday night. I could've waited until the week days but I want to meet him asap so I don't build things up in my head for a longer period of time. As for the diluded fairy tale stuff.... It's not helped by this song he sent me. (No Shawn Mendez or Bruno Mars ) He wrote, sang and recorded it himself. I doubted it would be good but omgggg it was so good. It's actually a rap. Sounds so professional. Really well done. And It's so sexy but I def wont talk about sex like I did with the last guy. Such a bad idea. He's Puerto Rican. I've never dated a guy that wasn't of my own race before. No rhyme or reason for it. But anyway the song is getting to me. Music makes me day dream about things to no end Fml... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Usename12 Posted August 25, 2017 Share Posted August 25, 2017 Is this a common thing for women, to get attached and have eyes only for one man so quickly? In my experience, men don't seem to have a problem multi-dating early on even if he meets a gorgeous and mind blowingly amazing woman. Maybe that might explain why polygamy/harems are most often one guy, many women rather than the other way around. Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted August 25, 2017 Share Posted August 25, 2017 Ohhhh sounds dreamy. Enjoy your date hope it goes well! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dis Posted August 25, 2017 Author Share Posted August 25, 2017 Ohhhh sounds dreamy. Enjoy your date hope it goes well! Thanks girl! Its so dreamy.... SOOOO dreamy Ok, stop it Dis 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dis Posted August 25, 2017 Author Share Posted August 25, 2017 Thanks everyone for your feedback. I love the insight! In all honesty, I've been burned and beaten down so much, I'm much more realistic than I used to be (hard to believe but true) and I'm much more prepared for the worst outcomes in dating I used to be incredibly naive. I remember 2 years ago, I went on a date with a guy who was clearly an arrogrant prick. He got super drunk on the first date and asked me to be his girlfriend. I had very little dating experience and would believe anything a guy told me so I just thought his drunken display was super romatic and I fell for him hook line and sinker. I cringe when I look back at the mistakes I made Although I do let my mind run wild and think up fairy tales, I'm much stronger, wiser and well prepared than I've ever been. The last 3 breakups I've had, I held my own and moved on no problem. When I get the feeling a new guy is a douche, I move on very quickly. I'm not longer attracted to guys that keep me guessing if they like me or if they'll call or text. I'm attracted to stability, a strong connection, a guy that thinks of me and tries to make me happy. Maybe I'm just wired to dream about fairy tales and the white picket fence. I dont know how to shut that off. I've been screwed over so many times in the past 2 years, if I'm not done dreaming of my wedding day...I dont know that I ever will be I'm kind of thinking I should just embrace the way I date and the way I think. I'm tired of being scrupulous and obsessing if things will work out or not. Its almost impossible for me to pump the brakes and I'm tired of forcing myself to do that. As long as I continue to be strong no matter the outcome. Maybe I should just have fun??? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted August 25, 2017 Share Posted August 25, 2017 I'm kind of thinking I should just embrace the way I date and the way I think. I think that's the best course of action. People insist on changing themselves but in 99.9% of the cases it is just putting a mask to function better into the society. Live your fairy tales, just don't let them govern you. Let us know how it goes with the Puerto Rican guy! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted August 25, 2017 Share Posted August 25, 2017 As for the diluded fairy tale stuff.... It's not helped by this song he sent me. (No Shawn Mendez or Bruno Mars ) He wrote, sang and recorded it himself. I doubted it would be good but omgggg it was so good. It's actually a rap. Sounds so professional. Really well done. . See if a girl I hadn't met was sending me something like that, I'd think she was either a little crazy, desperate or trying to love bomb me. I'd be pretty wary. But you are having the complete opposite reaction... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dis Posted August 25, 2017 Author Share Posted August 25, 2017 See if a girl I hadn't met was sending me something like that, I'd think she was either a little crazy, desperate or trying to love bomb me. I'd be pretty wary. But you are having the complete opposite reaction... Hmmm..... I think he was just trying to share things with me so we can get to know each other I sent him a picture of one of my paintings Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dis Posted August 25, 2017 Author Share Posted August 25, 2017 Also, the rap wasnt about me It was about what he's looking to find and have with a partner Some of the lyrics were super sexual (But thats the case with a lot of rap) and some were genuinely sweet Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 Most people who multi-date do it if they are doing OLD. To be sure of things, keep a calendar and make sure there is no cross over or conflict. Chances are you will meet once and never hear from the person again to begin with, so make sure you're all knowing of who and where. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dis Posted August 26, 2017 Author Share Posted August 26, 2017 Ok so... The guy I'm talking to might not be all that great... So I started messaging some other guys back! Guys that might be a little more right for me. I'm alittle rusty with OLD (havent been on in 5 months) so I wasnt doing the usual screening I did in the past Theres some guys that seem really great that have messaged me and that will probably be better suited for me so here goes nothing! I dont know if I want to go on the date with the tunnel vision/rapper guy anymore Eh... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 wait what happened? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 (edited) See if a girl I hadn't met was sending me something like that, I'd think she was either a little crazy, desperate or trying to love bomb me. I'd be pretty wary. But you are having the complete opposite reaction... I thought more like he was just showing of off his work, trying ti impress Edited August 26, 2017 by Cookiesandough Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dis Posted August 26, 2017 Author Share Posted August 26, 2017 wait what happened? Good question Cookies! Ok so, I'm 95% sure he smokes weed. Nurses are scrupulously drug tested using hair samples and even being around weed could make me come up positive. Plus, I dont really agree with marijuana usage unless its for medicinal purposes. Usually, once I found out a guy smoked weed, that was always a deal breaker for me Second, we communicate a lot but he never asks about me. He's not quiet or talking about himself all the time but I just noticed he doesnt know much about me because he's never asked. I really dont like it when guys do that and back when I was 100% into OLD, I always avoided those types. Not sure what happened here. Like I said, my screening game is off Third, he broke up with his ex back in April and he's still living in his friend's apartment. Eh... that doesnt scream stable to me. I just learned most of this today I just dont think this would work... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 Good question Cookies! Ok so, I'm 95% sure he smokes weed. Nurses are scrupulously drug tested using hair samples and even being around weed could make me come up positive. Plus, I dont really agree with marijuana usage unless its for medicinal purposes. Usually, once I found out a guy smoked weed, that was always a deal breaker for me Second, we communicate a lot but he never asks about me. He's not quiet or talking about himself all the time but I just noticed he doesnt know much about me because he's never asked. I really dont like it when guys do that Third, he broke up with his ex back in April and he's still living in his friend's apartment. Eh... that doesnt scream stable to me. I just learned most of this today I just dont think this would work... Okay well if you're already not feeling it, you should prob listen to your gut. I didn't listen to mine and ended up on a date with a gay man in the closet tonight. What you described would be deal breakers for me too in your shoes. On to the next! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dis Posted August 26, 2017 Author Share Posted August 26, 2017 Another thing, he lives in a big city in my state that has a really high crime rate Yet its 1am here and he's sending me pics of him outside saying he's getting a good buzz on???? That cant be good 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 oh wow. Does he have a day job? A lot of 'rappers' who aren't,you know, making a living at it, are living off assistance and selling dope =S. But not all. I shouldn't jump to such conclusions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dis Posted August 26, 2017 Author Share Posted August 26, 2017 oh wow. Does he have a day job? A lot of 'rappers' who aren't,you know, making a living at it, are living off assistance and selling dope =S. But not all. I shouldn't jump to such conclusions. He def has a job. But its one of those jobs where someone describes it to you and you can tell its nothing sketchy but at the same time is seems like a b.s type of job Again, finding all this out today 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dis Posted August 26, 2017 Author Share Posted August 26, 2017 Okay well if you're already not feeling it, you should prob listen to your gut. I didn't listen to mine and ended up on a date with a gay man in the closet tonight. What you described would be deal breakers for me too in your shoes. On to the next! Awww girl I'm sorry This is one of those, 'trust your gut' type of moments huh? I hate those because I always feel like I have to learn the hard way But ya, this is probably a no go I just have to say it...have to get it out there...he's just so damn sexy This a total dead end though Link to post Share on other sites
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