Don't know how to cope - long

[Coll09]

I was with my soon to be ex husband for 6 years, starting when we were 19. I was head over heels, looking back now I can see all the red flags. I was a convenience for him, took care of him, drove him around, kept him company. I believe he told me what I wanted to hear to keep me going believing we had something serious. There was one incidence of potential cheating that he explained away (later found out he did cheat) but about a little under two years of being together got pregnant. I told him and my family I wanted to wait and not get married just because of the pregnancy, not because I didn't love him, I just didn't want him to marry me solely because I was pregnant... but everyone around us, him the most, convinced me it was the best thing and we had talked about marriage before.

 

3 weeks after the wedding when I'm 6 months pregnant I caught him on hook up websites trying to meet people on his college campus. I left school to help support him through his degree and take care of our son (him and the family's idea of what was "best" for me). I tried to make things work, I thought he was just young and stupid and all I had wanted was for us to be a family and for him to love me. Things were ok for a while, we had another baby. He was generally not that great to me or involved in us but it wasn't unbearable. There was one point where he slapped me 3 times then choked me on the ground because I tried to wake him up from sleep to open Christmas presents with my family, it was alarming but I was stupid and blew it off as him being drunk and that never happened again. I figured we were just going through a lot (his new career where he was moving up quickly, young kids, having to grow up quickly.) we bought a house, seemed like everything was going great.

 

Then all of a sudden he starts hacking into my highschool emails, waking me in the middle of the night asking who I talked to when I was 15 and why. Went through pretty much every account I've ever had, searched me on google. Dug really deep trying to find dirt on me. Started accusing me of cheating. Became so incredibly verbally abusive I still hear his words and feel how they crushed my soul. When I told him I couldn't take it anymore (he was harassing me non stop, all day, waking me up at night to fight me and belittle me) and told him I needed space he started molesting me in my sleep. Gaslighting me when I caught him and told me I was just dreaming (this is after he forced me while I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe to recount in detail my childhood sexual abuse.) He compared me to his ex and told me about his cheating and how much better it all was than me, but it was actually me that was somehow "a disgusting slut." All this barely covers the surface. One night he molested me in bed when my son (3) had come in and knocked over a lamp when I told him not to touch me. I took my kids in the middle of the night and left and have lived with my parents for the last year and a half.

 

Hating him made it easy to leave, he ghosted the kids for months, would continue to harass me verbally. One minute begging me to come back and he would do anything, the next wishing that I burn in hell. When he belittled me he told me he couldn't wait to see my life ruined because I had nothing without him, no degree, no home, no "real" job. I am finally enrolled to continue my nursing degree, but I am still essentially helpless trying to get on my feet with two kids. Dissolution still is not final and he definitely got the good end of the deal. My problem is this - it's blatantly obvious that this was a horrible, toxic relationship and no matter what moments he had of seeming "nice," he has obviously never truly cared. He took over and I feel as though he ruined my life and left me broken to pick up the pieces. My parents are not easy to live with and never have been. It breaks my heart I feel like I am so deeply hurt I have days where I am not the mother I should be (although it was worse when I was stuck with him.) I've seen a therapist throughout who has said he sounds like a sociopath so there's really no way for me to "win." I just wanted him to love me, to love our family, he is smart and had a promising career and we could've gone through life supporting each other, that's all I wanted. I got two wonderful kids and then a whole bunch of lying abuse and financial problems. The times when I hate him are easier. It's the times like recently when he's been on his best behavior (respectful over texts about our kids, seeing them and taking good care of them) that hurt so deeply. I can't wrap my mind around why he had to destroy me so deeply, and why I somehow feel guilt and wish I could've helped him get through his mental issues (never diagnosed but he has to have some kind of issue.) I just don't know how to healthily cope with these ups and downs. I feel like a mess and have to get it together for my kids and to go through nursing. I don't want to feel constantly on the verge of a panic attack, or like I'm so depressed I can't carry on like I should. If you read all this thank you, I just would appreciate any kind of advice on how to deal with divorce with children, any advice on handling c-ptsd, anxiety, pulling yourself together. I know at some point I will be "ok", I've been somewhat "ok".... I just am afraid I'll never be able to live a normal life, that I'll never get fully past this. Thank you.

[d0nnivain]

You will get past this.

 

For now go speak to a lawyer. If you left school to drive him around & support him while he earns his degree, part of the value / earning potential of that degree may belong to you. Don't leave money on the table as you usher this man out of your life.

[Coll09]

Unfortunately my parents helped me get one of the best divorce attorneys here and I have no case for him to give me any kind of compensation for school. Everything is finally almost finalized