Advice Needed

[Joe]

To many people this may sound stupid, lame, and not really a problem but it has been a major problem for me for quiet sometime and not really sure how to go about dealing with it. I'm not posting for sympathy, I don't want sympathy I want advice.

 

For most of my life I have been overweight, I was ashamed and embrassed at how I looked. To give you an idea, at the age of 18 I weighed 288 pounds. Because of this, the embarassment of how I looked, I didn't like going out into public. I always felt if I am at home doing whatever, then people can't judge me by my look and I wouldn't feel embarassed.

 

Because of this, I had problems with meeting people, of course if you don't leave you can't meet people. You don't meet people in your own house heh. Because of this, and not being popular at school, I currently lack having friends. I'm dead serious, I have no friends. I have one friend that I talk to maybe once every so often, but never do anything with her or anything and I wouldn't really call me a friend.

 

Sure, I am associated with people I work with but they are driven by ego I don't care to have anything to do with them besides what I have to do at work. So I pretty much spend my life at home, on my computer.

 

However, I'm tired of this. I'm sick of being overweight, I haven't had a girlfriend in like 4 years and hadn't had many in life. I'm happy with what I've had, but at the age of 20 I need to start thinking about my future. Of course, I want to spend a future with a wife, eventually ahve kids. Of course though, not anytime soon cause I'm still to young and not ready for it, but I have it in mind for maybe 6 years down the road.

 

So a year ago I began a diet, when I was a whooping 290 lbs. Since then, staying on a strict diet, I am now 217. Overweight, of course but not to the extent that I was. I'm happy with myself, I feel great, and I've had a lot of people tell me I look fantastic.

 

However, since for so many years of not wanting to be in public, it still effects me. However, I'm not ashamed to go out. I'm not embarassed, it doesn't bother me. But now I don't know what to do, how to meet people. I don't feel as if I can go out, just go out, and socialize with other people.

 

I don't know what to do, how to act, I'm scared of rejection. I'm scared that I'll be laughed at or something. I live in a small town of about 18,000 people, it's a fairly small college town. We have bars, not many but we have them, we have public library though not many people visits it, we have a small mall. Nothing exciting.

 

If I went to a Bar and Grill, I don't know how to act, what to do, how to approach people. I don't want to sound stupid, or look geeky, or sit at a table all by myself or something.

 

I guess it is a social problem I have, I want to overcome it though more than anything. But I'm not sure how, what to do, or anything. Any advice would be appreciated. Again, I'm not posting for sympathy, I don't need it or want it, I need advice more than anything and that advice would mean a lot to me.

[Tony T]

A lot of people have this problem for various reasons.

 

The best way to meet people is to start with baby steps. Rather than trying to meet women to date, make some female friends. Lesser attractive women will probably be less intimidating for you to approach. Get to know them in a friendship way. There may be some you could really like and want to go out with and by all means do so.

 

But the objective in making female friends is that once you're in with a group of female buddies, they can introduce you to a wealth of other ladies who would be perfect for you. They can do this because they know you and can use their intuition on who you would best enjoy.

 

Being around lady friends will be good practice for what to say and how to interact. Don't take all this too seriously. Loosen up. It's not as difficult as you may think. Just be yourself and talk about things that interest you. But ladies really love it when a man shows genuine interest in them and asks a lot of questions about their interests and their lives.

 

Once you gain confidence, you'll be able to approach ladies almost anywhere and almost anytime. So go for it...and good luck. Just remember, don't be uptight. Be yourself. A go just a little bit at a time. Don't try to jump in a be a social butterfly overnight.

 

And congratulations on losing all that weight. I know there may be some here who would love it if you would share your secret on just how you did it.

 

Oh, and yes, I must mention the many online matching and dating services. Use a good search engine to find them. You can exchange email or chat with them online to break the ice and gain confidence before you meet them in person.

 

Just be ready for a little heartbreak and/or disappointment here and there but don't take it personally. We all have to go through that if we're going to be searching for love.

[Paulie]

1. Join a gym, and make FRIENDLY smalltalk on the treadmill or exercise bike or whatever. It's not TRYING to meet people, you're just being friendly, and NORMAL. Friendships will follow, trust me.

 

2. Don't worry about how to act at a bar...just be yourself. Most people are there worrying about how THEY look, being all self-conscious about THEMSELVES. The less you care about this, the cooler you will come off, ironically as it may seem. If you don't have friends to go to a bar with, don't be afraid to go alone. I do it often. If anybody asks you "who you're there with"...you just make up something and say you were on a job interview or something, and stopped in for a drink. Talk to people about WHATEVER. But I wouldn't go out in your town of 18,000. I'm sure there's a cooler, more metropolitan city within an hour or so from your house.

 

3. Take a class somewhere, join clubs. I'm sure you have interests. Don't do these activities JUST with the intention of meeting people...just do them because you want to START PARTICIPATING IN LIFE IN GENERAL! Friends, girlfriends will follow, I guarantee you.

 

Just like you created the circumstances for not having any friends (i.e. staying in the house)...you WILL HAVE TO DECIDE, and do the necessary work to create the circumstances to create the world you desire for yourself. No...there's nothing inherently defective about you...YOU just need to get off your newly slim @ss, (lol), and start creating things for yourself. You took the first step, and I am so proud of you. I'm going to go have a piece of chocolate cheesecake to celebrate that. brb

 

OK...now continue...create your own world!!!

 

This is America afterall!!!

 

And need more advice, keep on asking.

 

Paulie

[clia]

Joe,

 

First off, congratulations on your weight loss. That is a huge accomplishment that you should be proud of. It's great that you decided to take control of your life and get rid of that extra weight.

 

So now you've been so used to not socializing and talking to other people that you are stuck in a rut. That's what it is, really. You are so used to being how you are, that it's very difficult to change. I mean, this was 20 years of who you were, right? But the good news is that you can change. It's also great that you've recognized this fact and are looking to change it. You can, but it's going to take some work on your part.

 

You need to work on your self confidence. When you walk out of your house, you need to feel like you are a great looking guy who has his s*** together. People notice confident people. People want to be around confident people. I'm not saying cocky, simply proud of yourself. (And you have every right to be proud!) You said that you're 'still' overweight. Take a look around you. A lot of people out there are overweight, but they don't let that stop them. Don't let it stop you. (And depending on your height, 217 might not be as overweight as you think.)

 

At 20, you are very young and have tons of time ahead to meet friends. Don't be discouraged. What you need to do is get used to socializing with people. You say that you're not embarrassed and you're happy with yourself, but it sounds like deep down maybe you aren't. Practice talking to the various people you see while you're living your day to day life--i.e. the cashier at the supermarket, the guy standing behind you in line at Starbucks, etc. You don't have to say a lot, just start a conversation. This will help you to feel more comfortable talking to other people.

 

Everyone gets rejected from time to time, no matter what they look like. The thing is, you have to not let it bother you. After all, they are the big losers because they didn't get to know you. All you can do is be yourself. You might have to force this at first. Shut down your computer, get off the couch and get out there, even if you don't want to. If you find yourself sitting home on Friday or Saturday night, go out. Have dinner, go see a movie, go to a bar, etc. After you do this for awhile, it will become second nature. Sure it's scary, but what have you got to lose? Seriously. If you go to the Bar and Grill and sit at the bar and talk to one person (even the bartender!), then you've accomplished something. Even if you talked to no one you've accomplished something because you got out there. (BTW, go on game nights, any sport. If you aren't a sports fan, read up on the teams who are playing. That's an excellent way to start random conversations with people.) And there is absolutely nothing wrong with sitting at a table by yourself. (Although, I'd recommend the bar. You'd be surprised how many people are sitting there by themselves.) It's really no big deal. Just don't be embarrassed. Act like you are the man and you've got it going on. No one will think anything of it. I mean, think about it. Have you ever seen anyone eating alone at a restaurant or by themself at a bar? Did you think they were a loser? I don't. That said, it's difficult to meet lifelong friends at the bar. You'll meet a friend for the night, but that's pretty much it.

 

A great way to meet people would be to take classes at the college near you (if you aren't already.) Ask some people if they want to study together for a test. Most people love study groups. (Although, be prepared for socializing instead of studying.) Also think about getting involved in sports leagues in your area--i.e. tennis lessons, basketball league, golf lessons, etc. You'll help your weight loss plan and meet people. You never know who you might run into.

 

You very well could have a social phobia, although I doubt it. I think it's simply the life that you are used to. You might want to try a couple sessions with a therapist to help with your self confidence. Hey, losing that amount of weight is a big deal and a major life change. It's completely normal to feel a little strange now. But, there's also no reason why you can do it on your own. It's hard work and you have to be willing to take the challenge and leave the house. Like you said, that's the only way that you'll meet people!

 

Hope this helped some.