Passive aggressively bringing up the future?

[Lovezen_30]

My boyfriend seems to want to talk about the future but frames it in a way that isn't clear.

 

Example 1: At work he is the only guy without a kid (we are 25, soon 26). He said they were joking around, saying he'd be next. So we're riding in the car > 'They said I'll be next, ha ha.' *looks at me* Me: Oh? Him: 'I said I probably don't want to have them right now.' *looks at me again* 'You need financial security before kids don't you.' Me: 'Sure, makes sense'. We've been together just under a year so I'm not sure what he wants from me during such a conversation.

 

Example 2: Following his friend's wedding, he took my wedding finger and asked if I would find it hard getting used to having a ring on that finger. Again this seems like a way of asking if I want to marry generally? He's also talking a lot about the expectation that an engagement ring should cost thousands and thousands of pounds.

 

I don't really engage too much in these conversations because I am not sure what he's getting at or if he's just talking hypothetically. Thoughts?

Edited August 24, 2017 by Lovezen_30

[Nilfiry]

Sounds like he is dropping you hints. If it really bothers you, though, why not just sit down for a talk? Couples need to talk to avoid confusion and misunderstanding. If not, besides keeping them in mind, it is not like you have to do anything else. Just go with the flow.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Rather than go round and round trying to guess what's on his mind, why not just come out and ask him?

 

The next time he makes some kind of passive remark as it relates to the future and marriage, ask him if it's something he wants to talk about in more detail. Let him know you're open to discuss and perhaps even debate.

 

It does appear he's dropping clues, albeit horribly, about a possible future with you and is attempting to gauge your response to some of his own perspectives about it.

 

Why not just call him out on it and put an end to the childish game playing?

 

Go for it.

[preraph]

Sounds too cowardly to come right out and ask until he already knows the answers. Just keep right on being blunt with him and stay on birth control. I don't see this going that far, do you? I mean, he sounds a little irritating and immature.

[basil67]

You've been together for a year. He's dropping clunky conversational bits and you're refusing to engage because you don't understand where the conversation is going. Seems like you both have significant issues with communication.

 

After all this time, why have you not sought clarity on the topic? Good relationships cannot happen without communication from both sides.

[Lovezen_30]

You've been together for a year. He's dropping clunky conversational bits and you're refusing to engage because you don't understand where the conversation is going. Seems like you both have significant issues with communication.

 

After all this time, why have you not sought clarity on the topic? Good relationships cannot happen without communication from both sides.

 

For the most part our communication has been good. We talk things out easily and calmly, but that doesn't mean we don't have more to work on.

 

 

I suppose that maybe I am not ready to talk getting married and having children yet at just under a year together. We are both going to be travelling soon, then I'm going back to school for a year while he develops his career. Don't get me wrong - I think he would make a wonderful husband and father, but I'd rather talk seriously about the topic in a little while. I don't like the pussyfooting around tactic either, so if he wants to talk seriously, he should broach it seriously and I will treat him as such.

[Lovezen_30]

Rather than go round and round trying to guess what's on his mind, why not just come out and ask him?

 

The next time he makes some kind of passive remark as it relates to the future and marriage, ask him if it's something he wants to talk about in more detail. Let him know you're open to discuss and perhaps even debate.

 

It does appear he's dropping clues, albeit horribly, about a possible future with you and is attempting to gauge your response to some of his own perspectives about it.

 

Why not just call him out on it and put an end to the childish game playing?

 

Go for it.

 

Thanks Michelle. Sometimes the answer is right in front of your face!!

 

 

I suppose I don't engage because I feel he should ask me sincerely if he wants to discuss a serious topic. The next time it feels like he is prodding, I will ask if he wants to discuss this in relation to us. If that is what he wants, I will talk with him about it.

 

 

I was just keen to hear perspectives.

[Gaeta]

Let me understand this.

 

Your boyfriend says things that are not totally clear to you.

 

Your solution is to NOT talk about it and NOT have a conversation on those topic.

 

What's the logic in this?

[preraph]

She wants to avoid the conversation about having kids and all that. it's way too soon. I think she just needs to tell him it's way too soon.

[basil67]

Let me understand this.

 

Your boyfriend says things that are not totally clear to you.

 

Your solution is to NOT talk about it and NOT have a conversation on those topic.

 

What's the logic in this?

 

Sounds like they are mutally passive aggressive.

[Popsicle]

Well what do YOU want?

[GemmaUK]

Is this a relationship which you see a future in?

 

For the record I don't think he is being passive aggressive, he is trying the simplest way he knows how to discuss a serious subject by making it light and brining humour into it.

He has mentioned these things to see how you react and it seems there is no real reaction from you.

Part of communication is helping each other with communication too.

It would be easy for you to guide this into a more serious direction - if you wanted to.

 

But if you don't see a future in the relationship then he won't get anything out of you - which is what seems to be happening.

You're both not far off 30 and after a year of being together it's not an unreasonable discussion to have.

It would also be time to let him know that with him, in a couple of years you could see yourself married and possibly carrying your first child.

He is trying to find out how serious you are about you two so that he doesn't eg buy a ring and then get turned down.

He is also trying to gauge what you'd expect in a ring - thousands or something more achievable, special but not extortionately priced.

 

But it all swings back to whether you yourself see a future. He clearly does but if you don't then it's time for you to let him go and find a woman that does want him and all that he wants and for you to move on to something you want too.

[Gaeta]

For the most part our communication has been good. We talk things out easily and calmly, but that doesn't mean we don't have more to work on.

 

I suppose that maybe I am not ready to talk getting married and having children yet at just under a year together. We are both going to be travelling soon, then I'm going back to school for a year while he develops his career. Don't get me wrong - I think he would make a wonderful husband and father, but I'd rather talk seriously about the topic in a little while.

Why don't you tell him this. And why do you assume he's hinting at having kids with you? Maybe he's just wanting to have a 'general' convesation about children. Does he know if you want children at all? when do you see yourself being a parents etc etc

I don't like the pussyfooting around tactic either, so if he wants to talk seriously, he should broach it seriously and I will treat him as such.

 

Those are not the words of a woman in love. You sound annoyed and deprived of kindness. You've been dating a year, you should be kind to this man and create an environment of trust where he can safely express his thoughts on parenthood instead of looking at him like he's some type of circus dog that should know how to perform to impress you.

[amaysngrace]

If he says an engagement ring is suppose to cost thousands and thousands of dollars say "yes, 40" and if he mentions kids tell him "I always wanted nine"

 

Try to keep a heavy conversation light and it will make it easier on both of you.

[elaine567]

He is testing the waters and you are passively aggressively shutting him down as it is a topic you do not want to discuss.

Edited August 25, 2017 by elaine567

[Tribble]

I don't see anything aggressive in his comments, only passive. You are being more passive aggressive by not really responding.

 

I can't say he's the most tactful, but not everyone is. A lot of posters are saying he should just come right out and have this serious conversation instead of stepping around it. But, put yourself in his shoes. He's lightly brought it up and you've shut it down. Why would he think you'd be more open to having a serious conversation about it??

 

At nearly 1 year, it's okay you're not ready to get married and have babies but you should have an idea of where you want it to go/ what direction it's heading. Could you see yourself eventually wanting to marry him or not? If not, you are both wasting your times.

 

Ultimately, this is bothering you. Next time he says something, say something. How you deal with it is up to you but ignoring it and seething about the situation isn't going to do you or your relationship any favours.

[Lovezen_30]

Why don't you tell him this. And why do you assume he's hinting at having kids with you? Maybe he's just wanting to have a 'general' convesation about children. Does he know if you want children at all? when do you see yourself being a parents etc etc

 

Those are not the words of a woman in love. You sound annoyed and deprived of kindness. You've been dating a year, you should be kind to this man and create an environment of trust where he can safely express his thoughts on parenthood instead of looking at him like he's some type of circus dog that should know how to perform to impress you.

 

With all due respect, Gaeta, I do treat him with kindness - consistently. Nor am I deprived of it. I accept that maybe that sounded a bit cutting but it's frustrating.

 

 

If I want to discuss something in the relationship I'll say 'Hey, there's this thing that's bothering me. It's X and bla bla...' - I'm more direct.

 

 

I do see myself marrying and having children with him. I'd like to start having kids around 30/early 30s. He knows I wouldn't wait longer to have them.

 

 

Sometimes he jokes about why kids are a pain in the *ss, they do this, they do that, and I don't feel there's a safe space for me to open up about how it's something I really want. And the next minute he's cooing over a baby! I don't feel the need to have the conversation yet but certainly by next summer.

 

 

Next time he raises the issue I will raise it more directly with him. Thank you.

Edited August 25, 2017 by Lovezen_30

[spiderowl]

Sounds like he's trying to gauge whether you'd accept if he asked you to marry him without a very expensive engagement ring. He's hinting about kids too. I think he want you to give him positive signs you'd welcome a move forward in your relationship. I know it's a bit clumsy but if he did not want these things, he would avoid the subjects.

[Gaeta]

With all due respect, Gaeta, I do treat him with kindness - consistently. Nor am I deprived of it. I accept that maybe that sounded a bit cutting but it's frustrating.

 

 

If I want to discuss something in the relationship I'll say 'Hey, there's this thing that's bothering me. It's X and bla bla...' - I'm more direct.

 

 

I do see myself marrying and having children with him. I'd like to start having kids around 30/early 30s. He knows I wouldn't wait longer to have them.

 

 

Sometimes he jokes about why kids are a pain in the *ss, they do this, they do that, and I don't feel there's a safe space for me to open up about how it's something I really want. And the next minute he's cooing over a baby! I don't feel the need to have the conversation yet but certainly by next summer.

 

 

Next time he raises the issue I will raise it more directly with him. Thank you.

 

I was not questionning if you are kind in your relationship. I was talking about this specific situation here.

 

Be kind, considerate, open and honest with him - in this situation here.

 

You don't feel the need to talk about marriage and children yet BUT HE DOES and HIS feelings are AS IMPORTANT as yours.

 

So again, when we love someone and we see they want to address something we do it, because we love them, and it's part of offering our love to them.

[basil67]

Sometimes he jokes about why kids are a pain in the *ss, they do this, they do that, and I don't feel there's a safe space for me to open up about how it's something I really want.

 

As a parent, I can tell you that kids are both wonderful and a pain in the *ss. What you see as contradictory comments are actually spot on.

 

Discussions about having kids should not gloss over the fact that there will be parts of parenting which are challenging or even infuriating. And also wonderful.

[Chilli]

Yeah , God calling it passive aggression's going a bit over board, too much internet for you.

 

A lot of people beat about the bush with this stuff in such early days , my gf was always mentioning marriage and stuff. he's just harmlessly trying to get an idea of your thoughts and yeah , he's thinking too.

[road]

She wants to avoid the conversation about having kids and all that. it's way too soon. I think she just needs to tell him it's way too soon.

 

Never too soon to talk about the future in a relationship

as to eventual goals.

 

Waste to date a person that wants no kids when the

other one wants eight. And this is not the only

reason to talk about goals.

 

Also she is being passive aggressive. He is dropping

hints trying to ease into a discussion and she

clearly refuses to help get this important conversation

off the ground.