I don't know how to tell my parents about my BF

[Xaris]

Hello,

I'm 25 y.o.

 

I have been together with this guy since November, we had a rough start but the love was strong since the beginning, I thought it could be some quick romance but now after 10 months the feelings are stronger than before.

I can say I love him, I like spending time with him, I like what we do together, what he brings out from me.

I have met his family, they adore me, treat me like a daughter and he always makes me stay at his house (he lives alone, but we go to meet her parents occasionally).

He never met my parents yet, because I know they wouldn't like him AT ALL.

 

(You can stop reading this and start again a little further, if you want some background instead read everything)

I have some problems in my family. I rarely make my parents know my boyfriends. They have known 2 in the past, one from my highschool years and the other one (the 2 most important stories that I've had), but they have seen them like 10 times at the most (counting both of them).

This is because my mom is diagnosed with severe depression, the house is a mess, she has no living will whatsoever, telling her that "someone's coming home" is a MAJOR stress for her, because she will immediately feel stressed and pressured to clean the house (no one asks her to do it, but doesn't let us clean it for her, SHE has to do it, its the only way), making me feel guilty because I want to invite someone over, even for 10 minutes. She tells me things like "Why do you do this to me, you hate me", whenever happens. So I never made it happen anymore. I can never make someone come to my house, friends, boyfriends, nothing.

 

Not only that.

My parents like to criticize, are racist, closed minded. They have always warned me not to date ppl from other cultures, other religions, even other neighbourhoods. Whenever I have a friend or a boyfriend, they start to criticize everything they know about him/her. Like: her/his family is a mess, he/she has no good job, he/she will have a bad influence on her, he/she is gay, he/she is poor. Whatever you can think of, they say it.

 

I don't know why they tend to do this. They have always done. Making me feel ashamed for each and every person I've ever been with, both in friendship or relationship, because they always had something bad to say. They don't do it to be mean, they do it because they like to feel superior, even though my family has nothing to be superior about.

The dream of my father was to be rich: he failed. So now he dreams for me that I meet some rich guy from my neighbourhood, that studies the same things that I do, with a boat, a big villa, and it goes on like that.

But that's never what I wanted.

 

I just wanted love, someone to be myself with, someone with my interests, my goals, my passions, my feelings, a companion for life, not a companion to share the bank money with.

 

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- read from here -

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Now, the guys I've brought home in the past were always guys that kind-of met their standards: really classy, kind of wealthy, graduated from college. (I'm at the univesity studying medicine at the moment, btw), so yes they had something to complain about because they always do, but I had managed to find a good compromise.

 

But now I'm tired to find people that fit THEIR desires, not mine. I'm tired of doing everything for THEM, doing everything to not hear their complaining in my ears. I'm so tired, I want to be myself. I feel like my entire life i've paid attention to be the exact same thing my parents wanted from me, to do the things they wanted, to hang out with the people they wanted, so much I find it hard sometimes to find myself.

 

The guy I'm dating now is THE OPPOSITE of what they want, I didn't make it on purpose I swear lol. Yes he studies medicine like me so that's a pro, but that is the ONLY pro he has (in my parent's eyes). Also they see that I'm happy with him. But they don't know any detail about him, and never seen him. This is why:

 

He is not of my nationality, he comes from Albania. His parents are albanian, he came with them in my country when he was 2 years old. So that makes him Spanish. But for my dad he will always be a "filthy albanian" , since his thought about albania are TERRIBLE, he thinks they all are thieves, rapists, drug dealers. I mean come on. But he thinks that.

 

The other thing that they wuouldnt like is that he has a son from his previous relationship: it troubled me too at first, but then I met him, I met the mom, I met everyone and I don't feel any jelousy or anything "bad" around this, I accepted it and loved it as a part of him.

 

But now I'm stuck. They don't know about these 2 things. I ask myself whether i should tell them at all about these 2 things, or keep the secret for life, or until I can. But he introduced me to everyone in his family, eveyrone knows about me, so I feel guilty for keeping him "A secret". for what? for his nationality? I feel like im insulting him, but it's not my fault if my parents live in the middle ages.

 

I feel trapped, I don't know what to tell them, I can also tell he feels embarassed and not happy with my family situation, especially because he is still in contact with the family of her ex girlfriend (the mother of his son), while he can't even step into my house.

 

 

But I love him. He brings the best out of me, Since I met him I'm not on xanax anymore (i was prescribed.) I don't feel anxiety anymore, I feel happy, i feel MYSELF.

I don't want to lose him, I don't want to choose with my parents eyes, But I know that telling them will make them so disappointed and they will start blaming EVERYTHING. I cry everyday since 1 month now. I can't enjoy the moments with him anymore. i don't know what to do.

 

 

Any suggestions are welcome.

Edited August 24, 2017 by Xaris

[Doublegold]

Hi Xaris-

 

What a beautiful soul you have. Amazingly so, considering the parents who raised you. Some will say they did something right for you to be smart, caring and loving. I think differently.

 

"I just wanted love, someone to be myself with, someone with my interests, my goals, my passions, my feelings, a companion for life, not a companion to share the bank money with." How wonderful that you have found the person you find yourself at peace with, comfortable, openhearted and loving. Someone who you can be honest with. Some search their whole life and never find that person, ever. They settle for criteria, check the boxes, and look for approvement from family, peers and society for what is important.

 

You do you. And while you do you, put the stressors aside. There is no timetable here where your parents are concerned regarding this man you love. I would be more concerned about exposing him to your parents bigotry and small mindeness then them meeting him, and wanting their approval! Bonus--Mom won't have to clean the house

 

Continue to do you. Grow, and love. Surround yourself with the people who encourage you to be yourself. Your BF sounds wonderful. I'm so glad you've found one another.

 

Take care.

Edited August 24, 2017 by Doublegold

[Nilfiry]

At some point, you are just going to have to accept that parents do not always know what is best for their children, especially the ones that are strict on tradition and customs. As a matter of fact, you can even say that they only want what is best for them, and not for you, which in this case is a son-in-law that suits their taste. Of course, you cannot really hate them so much for it either since their distorted wishes stem from wanting the best for you. What good parents do not worry for their children? It is just that they get carried away and suffocate their children.

 

Unfortunately, you are just going to have to decide whether you want to stay under their shadow all the time, or step out and do your own thing, to live your life for the sake of yourself, at the risk of alienating them from your life. The saving grace, however, is that while you will probably by miserable all of the time if you lived under them, that will not necessarily be the same for them if you decide to go against them. They will be upset, but not miserable, like you would be.

 

If you do decide to do your own thing, though, then there is really no reason you have to tell your parents about your BF right away. They will find out eventually, but you want to make sure that they do not find out before the rice is cooked. If you end up breaking up, then no harm done to them. If you get married, then there is nothing they can do about that even if they yell and complain. Talk to your BF about it, explain the situation, and he will probably be more than likely to go along with you.

 

Although, there is a very good chance that your parents will get over it eventually, even if they react fiercely to you doing things without their consent. After all, there is the saying that even the fierce tiger will not eat its own young. They will probably forgive you after a while and learn to accept things.

[healing light]

I don't think it behooves you to keep your boyfriend a secret if it's bothering him. Agree with the poster who said that you should be more concerned about what your boyfriend thinks of your family than the other way around. I would just be honest to him about the predispositions of your parents, the real reason why you're afraid to subject him to them--not because of him, but because of them.

 

That being said, after he's forewarned, I think you should have them meet in a casual public setting, like a cafe, if he still wants to meet them and you feel your relationship is serious enough to merit it. Your mom won't have to worry about cleaning the damn house, and he won't feel like this secret you're ashamed of.

 

Your parents are going to be unhappy and make a stink about whoever you're with--even if he was "Mr. Perfect" in their eyes--so it makes no difference hiding him. Meeting in public will also hopefully force them to be on better behavior.