Feeling lost... How do I get over ending my A with my MM?

[BlackheartAmericana]

I'm not really sure where to begin. I recently ended a very painful EA and PA with my MM. It started off innocently enough, we both liked each other and were mutually attracted for over a year. Talking turned into gradual flirting and texting. He worked in my building and when I suggested we hang out somewhere "off the clock", he told me he was married and didn't want to lie about it. A week later we ended up having sex, although we both knew it wasn't a good idea we could not resist each other (he made the first move). We began hooking up twice a week for about six months. During that time I grew very emotionally attached- I thought he did too but now I'm beginning to wonder. We ended things a total of three times- the first time he ended it because his wife was dealing with a death in the family and he felt guilty. I was devastated but trying to move forward. After a few weeks he left a gift at my door as an apology, we talked, I accepted, & we resumed hooking up.

 

The second time I ended things with him because I was starting to feel not just guilty but ashamed. This time he pulled out all the stops and said he loved me, & he would "marry me as soon as tomorrow" if circumstances were different, but leaving his son without a father was not an option for him. I never wanted him to leave his wife, I just wanted him to pay attention to me.

 

We ended up "making up" again but the damage was done, it was not the same. I was well aware I wanted more than he could give me, but the sex was amazing, it had been so long since I felt so desired, and I was practically addicted to the man. Every time we had sex it got better and better.

 

Back in June was the last time we had sex. I was going out of town to see my dad for Fathers Day & he stopped by the day before. On Fathers Day I sent him a Text saying Happy Fathers Day and he went radio silent- in retrospect it was probably foolish on my part, but my intentions were good. I know he is a good father and whatever we had is separate from that. We had sent each other well wishes on every other holiday so I didn't know why this should be any different. But I suspect it may have triggered something because I didn't hear from him for a few days, so I freaked out. I said I can't do this anymore, you've told me there is no future, and if this is just sex I can get that somewhere else without all the guilt and shame attached. He became very hostile and did not take it well, and we went completely NC.

 

Now mind you this whole time he is still working in my building. I had horrible anxiety and was distraught, I couldn't sleep, there were times I would see him in passing and put on a brave face (no saying hi, no acknowledgement) only to turn the corner and burst into tears once he was out of sight. I really couldn't handle it.

 

So yes, it was awkward but I was determined to move forward. Then a few weeks ago I woke up to an envelope slipped under my door with $100 cash inside. Written on the envelope was "with affection and respect". I was so angry I was shaking, I wanted to throw it in his face. We were still NC at this time so it was extremely confusing! I reached out to him and asked him why he did it, he said he had noticed me going to work late or not at all and he was just trying to help. (I had changed my shifts from morning to evening and was still very much working). To this day I don't know why he gave me the money, I don't know if he was trying to buy my affection or was genuinely concerned, but I was very put off by it as it felt so impersonal. I would have much rather had a phone call, or text, or a heart written letter, than a bill! I was very firm and said I wasn't accepting it and asked him to please not contact me further.

 

Fast forward to now. It's been about a month and I'm severely depressed. I'm in therapy, but it's too soon to say if it's helping. On my days off I sleep all day and have become very withdrawn and antisocial. I still miss him like crazy, I think about him every single day, I still touch myself when I think about him, it's like I'm having awful withdrawals from this drug I was so addicted to.

 

I fight the urge to text or call, but some days I really want to say meet me at a hotel one last time. I know it would only end badly for me and derail my progress, but I feel like I never got closure and I have no idea how he feels or what any of this meant to him.

 

I guess what I'm asking for is some advice on how to cope. I've been though breakups before but this one has me feeling absolutely rotten to the core. I know it's for the best but it's torture trying to get over this man. So, to the OW's and fOW's out there, how are you coping/ how did you get over ending your A with your MM? I've never done this before so I'd really appreciate some compassion and non judgmental advice, as I am really hurting.

[Eight]

You are still so fresh out of the affair. The addiction. It will take a lot of time. Some days will feel really bad; some better. You may only have a few good minutes at first. Eventually the good minutes will turn into hours; then whole days; believe it or not. A month...that's still a tender wound.

 

You need to make sure that you have no contact with him. He is dead to you. I know that sounds drastic; but it is for your own healing. Feel your feelings when you feel them; but don't pine for what could have been. If you read here; there are hundreds of stories EXACTLY.LIKE.YOURS. It's all a fantasy. An addiction.

 

You sound like you are doing what you can to move on. Keep working on improving your self-esteem. Boundaries. Stay the course and you will get to the point where you will see it for what it was; it wasn't about "him" it couldve been anyone who made you feel "seen." The idea, however, is to let YOU see YOU. I hope that makes sense. Do you journal? That helped and continues to be a saving grace for me.

 

For the record, last saw the MM in my life Dec 22, 2016 and last texted Jan 19, 2017. I am in a completely different place emotionally, spiritually, physically than I was in January. It's hard to get over; worse for me than a "normal" breakup because of the addictive/fantasy nature. It was worse than quitting alcohol for me; but I could see/feel the same addictive qualities of that relationship.

 

Hang in there and keep posting. The folks here can help you.

[BreakingWave]

First, I am so sorry. This is a pain unlike any other. I know from experience - I have been involved in a months-long EA/PA with a married woman (you can read about it, if inclined, on my thread: "Clarity is So Hard to Find.")

 

You wrote that it was never your intention for him to leave his wife - that you simply wanted him to pay attention to you. I understand that as well. Whether it's right or wrong (and we both know the answer to that, deep down) we were both willing to satisfy ourselves being the "other person" in someone else's life. That issue is ours to work out. But I realize it's not the one occupying your thoughts and emotions right now.

 

The question that so many of us OM/OWs struggle with is how someone who's told us they love us, has said they can't live without us, etc. - can suddenly turn cold and distant. I'm increasingly convinced that there may be no real answer to that one - that our xAPs may not be able to answer that question themselves. I suspect that in my xMW's case, and possibly your xMM's, they get to a point when they realize they're heavily emotionally invested. They convince themselves they're making it easy on themselves, and perhaps also doing us a kindness, to just cut us out. Of course, it does NOT feel that way on the receiving end. And there's the ego kick of realizing you've invested so much in a person who invested so little in you that they were able to walk away in the first place.

 

My xMW has shown many times she can't just walk away. She always resurfaces with breadcrumbs, invitations to still be friends, etc. I suspect your MM will do the same - the longer you spend on LS, the more you'll see that's a common thread when affairs involve emotions. Practically everyone here will advise you that "no contact" is the only way to heal. I haven't gone no contact with my xAP. I am also not healed, so perhaps they are right.

 

The $100 is just weird. Honestly, I would have been very offended. You're right that it is cold and impersonal, and even if he was being truthful about assuming you needed help, the right thing to do would have been to ask you about it first.

Edited August 26, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[misspalmy]

tell his wife, 99% it will end

[Omalley1245]

Ugh! I'm soooo sorry and I feel your heartbreak. I am new here but needed a place to vent as you know this isn't something that is easily shared with friends (which makes it worse) I don't recall seeing if you are currently married or in a relationship but it didn't sound like it. I have no advice and I am currently still seeing my affair partner but would love to find a way out as I know it's damaging me. Although reading all these stories I'm now completely terrified in the withdraws that seem to come with ending things

[BlackheartAmericana]

O'Malley,

Thanks for reaching out, i'm new as well, welcome. yes I'm grateful to have found this forum because very few of my friends know and it's nearly impossible to talk about it without the usual cliche judgements they bring into it. I know in my heart ending it is for the best which is why I am trying my best to heal and remain NC.

[BlackheartAmericana]

The $100 is just weird. Honestly, I would have been very offended[]. You're right that it is cold and impersonal, and even if he was being truthful about assuming you needed help, the right thing to do would have been to ask you about it first.

 

 

That's exactly what I said! The first words out of my mouth were WHY did you do that, are you trying to pay me off?

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks it was an odd way to go about it.

Thanks for your support and kind words, I'm gonna check out your thread you mentioned.

Edited August 27, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[pianomanwoman]

That's exactly what I said! The first words out of my mouth were WHY did you do that, are you trying to pay me off?

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks it was an odd way to go about it.

Thanks for your support and kind words, I'm gonna check out your thread you mentioned.

 

This happened to me also. But I realized that he was being realistic about love/money. He wanted you to have money he didn't like to see you suffer more by staying out late working. He still has feelings for you too. The most you can do is go NC. They try to set love bombs to engage you back into the unhealthy relationship you had. I hope you kept the money.

 

In 1997 I had a relationship with a man I did not know was married. When I found out, I stayed with him, because I thought it was going to last. A year later, I left him for my ex boyfriend. Eventually it did not work with that guy and I looked up MM. He was single again. He said he would not reconnect with me after all we had been though. So I NC him changed my numbers in 2003 because of him.

 

UPDATE 2015... two years ago... I was in contact with our old friends due to FB.

Guess who call me? MM. He wanted to go for Christmas in Miami. I declined and told him I was in a healthy relationship and to have fun without me. I was able to heal by posting a blog and I still have never told our friends that guy was my lover! It feels so good to get rid of him.

 

You will grow. Get a therapist, get some self help books, go to a group meeting for addictions. Then meet someone who will love you and is available for a long term healthy relationship. You will love yourself, even if you see him in the building don't talk to him. Eventually you will not miss him.

Save

Edited August 26, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Poppy47]

That's exactly what I said! The first words out of my mouth were WHY did you do that, are you trying to pay me off?

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks it was an odd way to go about it.

Thanks for your support and kind words, I'm gonna check out your thread you mentioned.

 

It wasn't and odd way to go about it at all. He was letting you know exactly how much and how he valued you.

 

Why are you eating your heart out over somebody who thinks you are only worth $100.00.?

He's not worth it.

Poppy.

Edited August 26, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[freengreen]

Its like inertia and speed... the inertia is great,.. i have been trying to get the cart moving since last Oct, sonetimes it felt it isnt moving a mm... keep trying, that is the only mantra. After all the hardship I think I am feeling better, the cart has started to move and I see myself in better position day by day.

 

Dont give in, it will happen, once it does... peace will prevail .

[sandylee1]

I would try and look for another job, so you don't have see him at all and block his number and email.

 

Over time it will hurt less and less. Think about it this way, normal relationships can end badly, but with affairs you have the added guilt.

 

He probably realised that he isn't being a good dad and no better way to be reminded than having your mistress text you 'happy father's day'...

 

It takes a certain person not to feel guilty, so it shows he's not all bad.

 

He would have been happy with the flirting, but after you suggested an outside of work hook up and he told you he was married.... You didn't see that as a barrier to taking things to the next level.

[Hbroken]

As a MM who is currently going through exactly the same situation as you i could give you some insight into what is going on in his head

 

1) He truly cares for you and misses you. He is bereft and probably feels abandoned by you...yet he understands your point of view. He probably truely loves you but he is not so discontented with his marriage that he feels he could leave it for you. See things from his perspective. Lets assume he leaves his marriage for you. Does he really know you or does he only know the side of you that you have chosen to show him (i.e your best side) - what if after leaving everything the fog clears and he suddenly realises that the relationship that you have both fantasized about is not what it is in reality? What if you realise that the real him is not the guy you were addicted to? where does that leave him? How does a man take such a big risk particularly if he is not really unhappy in his marriage? I promise you that if you were the married woman you would also not be able to break out of it that easily...Having said that i am sure he is thinking of you and his stomach is in knots as he grieves your loss (like mine is)

 

2) Given the way it ended and the fact that you are in NC, his ego will not allow him to break NC ....he desperately wants to connect with you but cant bear the thought of appearing weak and needy so he chose the 100 dollar tactic. I dont think he meant to insult you or insinuate anything..he simply wanted to instigate a connection and the truth is somewhere deep down you will also probably agree that you were glad for the opportunity to connect... you saved face/ego about breaking NC by appearing to be angry:-)

 

i would suggest that you give things time. Dont worry - he will not forget about you or stop caring about you or find a replacement....take some time away and heal.. you will never really lose him...you just need to find yourself first.

[Vivir]

BlackheartAmericana,

 

I agree that it is very early in your healing, and it simply takes time to process everything before you will begin to realize and/or experience significant steps forward. Every day counts. Be patient with you.

 

I continue to struggle, and sometimes I have very, very bad days. But I have learned that the strong negative feelings will eventually pass and I will feel OK again.

 

While I have a host of issues related to my processing the affair, I am hopeful that I will eventually progress into a much more healthy and authentic Vivir.

 

Some things that have helped, and continue to help me, to process and to cope have been (note that my list is highly personal; you'll have to discover what works best for yourself. You'll also find that sometimes distracting yourself is best and then other times, tackling your feelings head on will be best):

 

• Learning and implementing self-compassion and self-care; becoming my own best friend... thinking of myself in third person (because I usually treat others better than I treat me). I also consider myself as my own significant other; a woman I cannot divorce. I first started on this path by reading about mindfulness and looking into books by the late psychotherapist Nathaniel Branden, especially his book How to Raise Your Self-Esteem. There are exercises and lots of help in this book...
   
  
• Journaling my actual thoughts - usually when I am feeling very bad or very good, writing about my actual feelings in an effort to remove the clutter from my head. Sometimes it comes out in letter format directed at him or at me, sometimes it is not at all about the affair...
   
  
• Reading daily meditations in The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie.
   
  
• Reading The Mistress by Victoria Griffin... I like this book because the author's purpose for writing it was self-examination. It helps me to see that the Other Woman has a very long history, and I was not the first and will very likely not be the last.
   
  
• Listening to playlists on my iPod - one for when I want to feel encouraged, uplifted and another when I am sad and another for when I am angry...
   
  
• Listening to podcasts by Natalie Lue or audio books about things in which I am interested. I spend a lot of time alone, so these things & my SiriusXM subscription keeps the quiet to a minimum.
   
  I date myself. No, seriously. Sometimes I feel pathetic about it, but other times, I feel awesome. This week I am considering seeing a play, next week I am attending the state fair with my young cousins... I also want to put my toes in some sand, fly a kite, and ride my bicycle through the park... Except for the fair, I will likely be doing these things alone.
   
  
• Searching for and reading past threads in this forum with titles related to how I have felt. Or sometimes, I will search for specific posters or jump to random pages.
   
  
• Not only implementing boundaries, but defining them and working out a personal understanding of why I needed them and why I must be vigilant in not crossing them nor allowing them to be crossed by others.
   
  
• Really thinking about what I want and/or need on a continual basis and developing plans to obtain those things.
  

 

You get the idea... I truly hope this helps (((((BlackheartAmericana)))))

Edited August 26, 2017 by Vivir

[Eight]

BlackheartAmericana,

 

I agree that it is very early in your healing, and it simply takes time to process everything before you will begin to realize and/or experience significant steps forward. Every day counts. Be patient with you.

 

I continue to struggle, and sometimes I have very, very bad days. But I have learned that the strong negative feelings will eventually pass and I will feel OK again.

 

While I have a host of issues related to my processing the affair, I am hopeful that I will eventually progress into a much more healthy and authentic Vivir.

 

Some things that have helped, and continue to help me, to process and to cope have been (note that my list is highly personal; you'll have to discover what works best for yourself. You'll also find that sometimes distracting yourself is best and then other times, tackling your feelings head on will be best):

 

• Learning and implementing self-compassion and self-care; becoming my own best friend... thinking of myself in third person (because I usually treat others better than I treat me). I also consider myself as my own significant other; a woman I cannot divorce. I first started on this path by reading about mindfulness and looking into books by the late psychotherapist Nathaniel Branden, especially his book How to Raise Your Self-Esteem. There are exercises and lots of help in this book...
   
  
• Journaling my actual thoughts - usually when I am feeling very bad or very good, writing about my actual feelings in an effort to remove the clutter from my head. Sometimes it comes out in letter format directed at him or at me, sometimes it is not at all about the affair...
   
  
• Reading daily meditations in The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie.
   
  
• Reading The Mistress by Victoria Griffin... I like this book because the author's purpose for writing it was self-examination. It helps me to see that the Other Woman has a very long history, and I was not the first and will very likely not be the last.
   
  
• Listening to playlists on my iPod - one for when I want to feel encouraged, uplifted and another when I am sad and another for when I am angry...
   
  
• Listening to podcasts by Natalie Lue or audio books about things in which I am interested. I spend a lot of time alone, so these things & my SiriusXM subscription keeps the quiet to a minimum.
   
  I date myself. No, seriously. Sometimes I feel pathetic about it, but other times, I feel awesome. This week I am considering seeing a play, next week I am attending the state fair with my young cousins... I also want to put my toes in some sand, fly a kite, and ride my bicycle through the park... Except for the fair, I will likely be doing these things alone.
   
  
• Searching for and reading past threads in this forum with titles related to how I have felt. Or sometimes, I will search for specific posters or jump to random pages.
   
  
• Not only implementing boundaries, but defining them and working out a personal understanding of why I needed them and why I must be vigilant in not crossing them nor allowing them to be crossed by others.
   
  
• Really thinking about what I want and/or need on a continual basis and developing plans to obtain those things.
  

 

You get the idea... I truly hope this helps (((((BlackheartAmericana)))))

 

Just wanted to say that your list is really; REALLY good. I have The Language of Letting Go, too. It's my second time, through it.

 

Being your own damn best friend. We all tend to talk negatively to ourselves and say things to ourselves that we'd never say to others.

 

Essentially; it's about being MINDFUL and not getting lazy about being present. Staying calm when you want to get rid of the unpleasent feelings and not engaging in behaviors that feel good in the short term but which ultimately undermine your growth in the long term.

 

I'm going to keep your list handy. Thanks!

[Hbroken]

how are you holding up?

Please keep posting - a) its therapeutic b) as a MM is a similar boat i think i can benefit a lot from your experiences.

best wishes

[jah526]

I like Vivir's list. Your experience sounds a lot like my own. One thing I've been doing that helps me (although I know others may disagree), is reading ChumpLady's site, getting the view from the BS's side. The posts on there are mostly from women who have lived with these men for many years and know them intimately. It's quite eye-opening how childish many of these guys are. In one post I read that the guy blamed his wife for his cheating because she wore pajamas at night (after working 10 hours/day and then cooking for him)! Obviously this doesn't apply to all men, but I can see the similarities between many of these descriptions and the MM I was involved with. He is an entitled manchild who spends all his weekends doing his own fun outdoor things and getting phone numbers from hot blondes he meets (he was constantly telling me not to think about things too much but "just have fun!"). This is someone who has a wife and two very young kids at home that he is totally neglecting.

 

Anyway, reading that site is helping me to un-romanticize things and see him for what he truly is - a lying, cheating, entitled scumbag who should not in any way be rewarded for his actions.

[elaine567]

As a MM who is currently going through exactly the same situation as you i could give you some insight into what is going on in his head

 

1) He truly cares for you and misses you. He is bereft and probably feels abandoned by you...yet he understands your point of view. He probably truely loves you but he is not so discontented with his marriage that he feels he could leave it for you. See things from his perspective. Lets assume he leaves his marriage for you. Does he really know you or does he only know the side of you that you have chosen to show him (i.e your best side) - what if after leaving everything the fog clears and he suddenly realises that the relationship that you have both fantasized about is not what it is in reality? What if you realise that the real him is not the guy you were addicted to? where does that leave him? How does a man take such a big risk particularly if he is not really unhappy in his marriage? I promise you that if you were the married woman you would also not be able to break out of it that easily...Having said that i am sure he is thinking of you and his stomach is in knots as he grieves your loss (like mine is)

 

2) Given the way it ended and the fact that you are in NC, his ego will not allow him to break NC ....he desperately wants to connect with you but cant bear the thought of appearing weak and needy so he chose the 100 dollar tactic. I dont think he meant to insult you or insinuate anything..he simply wanted to instigate a connection and the truth is somewhere deep down you will also probably agree that you were glad for the opportunity to connect... you saved face/ego about breaking NC by appearing to be angry:-)

 

i would suggest that you give things time. Dont worry - he will not forget about you or stop caring about you or find a replacement....take some time away and heal.. you will never really lose him...you just need to find yourself first.

 

YOU are projecting YOUR thoughts and feelings onto the MM here.

 

YOU are grieving the loss of YOUR OW, but not all MM do, some just find a replacement and move on, others thank God that the OW decided to end it before they got found out or he got too bored, and others are just glad to be rid of the stress of carrying on an affair.

He may indeed now be breathing a huge sigh of relief, who knows?

 

YOU have absolutely NO idea what he is feeling or thinking.

 

Fine, share your experiences but do not put words into the man's mouth

Who really knows what he thinks about anything?

 

YOU are building up the OPs expectations, on no solid basis whatsoever.

 

He has accepted the break up, in fact he was very angry that she dare bring up Father's day and was indeed hostile to the OP. He may have been done then, whether she wanted to leave or not. Affairs like relationships sometimes just run their course and like other relationships any little thing can end up breaking the camel's back.

 

He is however, NOT leaving his marriage so she needs to accept THAT reality and grieve, heal and move on.

[Hbroken]

With all due respect Elaine, what exactly makes you the world's expert on this. I am entitled to my opinion just like you and everyone else here is. Get off your high horse, put your opinion across without trying to put someone else down. You are not a married man who has had an affair. You are not even a man. What makes you such an expert to trivialise what i have to say?

[jah526]

One other thing, OP - I believe you actually are going through withdrawals. I believe I did. Like you, it had been a long time for me since anyone had desired me physically like that. And he knew that. Now I wonder if that wasn't also intentional on his part - not only was I, in his mind, less likely to have STDs (he was very worried about that), but also I was more likely to get and stay hooked. And it worked, until the pain of what was happening to my heart and soul became greater than the physical pleasure of being with him. Just like with any drug addiction.

 

I'm over two months out now, and though I still sometimes miss the physical stuff, I believe my heart and soul are starting to heal. I'm calmer, sleeping better, and starting to understand the lessons this has taught me. Give yourself some time, and treat yourself well in the meantime. Remember that the goal is not so much happiness as peace. You have done a tremendously difficult thing in getting yourself out of this - be proud of that.

[BlackheartAmericana]

Eight,

Thank you so much for your kind words and this heartfelt and meaningful advice. I'm going to write it out (in so many words) and put it somewhere I can see it every day. Thank you.

[BlackheartAmericana]

It wasn't and odd way to go about it at all. He was letting you know exactly how much and how he valued you.

 

Why are you eating your heart out over somebody who thinks you are only worth $100.00.?

He's not worth it.

Poppy.

 

Poppy,

I stated pretty clearly in my OP:

"I'd really appreciate some compassion and non-judgemental advice as I am really hurting." With all due respect, your comment doesn't feel like that to me. I don't know why he gave me the money. I genuinely want to believe he was trying to help, even if it was misguided. Maybe that's foolish of me. Frankly it doesn't matter anyways because I didn't accept it

 

A sincere thank you to the empathetic commenters who have posted here and have shared their experiences and tips for overcoming this awful heartbreak. It makes me feel less alone knowing there are others out there who are going through/have gone through this.

[travelbug1996]

Poppy,

I stated pretty clearly in my OP:

"I'd really appreciate some compassion and non-judgemental advice as I am really hurting." With all due respect, your comment doesn't feel like that to me. I don't know why he gave me the money. I genuinely want to believe he was trying to help, even if it was misguided. Maybe that's foolish of me. Frankly it doesn't matter anyways because I didn't accept it

 

A sincere thank you to the empathetic commenters who have posted here and have shared their experiences and tips for overcoming this awful heartbreak. It makes me feel less alone knowing there are others out there who are going through/have gone through this.

 

 

You're gonna have to get tougher skin around here. People are not always gonna say what you want. Some people here are more compassionate than others.

 

Best wishes to you. NC all the way is the ONLY way.

[BlackheartAmericana]

how are you holding up?

Please keep posting - a) its therapeutic b) as a MM is a similar boat i think i can benefit a lot from your experiences.

best wishes

I couldn't sleep last night and made the grievous mistake of looking him up on social media- something I had never done before. I saw a picture of his wife for the first time and it killed me. She's more attractive than I thought she would be which made me feel weird... as if somehow her being less attractive would justify his behavior (it doesn't). I'm still NC and plan to stay that way. But this morning I'm feeling sick and wishing I had just ignored my own morbid curiosity. He looked genuinely happy which to me is even more confusing/ unsettling. Why step out and risk so much if he loves his wife? So many unanswered questions. I'm realizing I'm going to have to accept that there are two sides to every story and I may never truly understand. I know he's not healthy for me, I know I need to let it go, and I'm having a hard time.

[Hbroken]

I think looking at social media is always a mistake... you will always end up heart broken after you look.

I have a friend who is the OW. i didn't know about her A with a MM (who is also my friend). One day she told me and asked if she could look at his FB page (as he is friends with me)... she was heartbroken when she saw a pic of him and his wife smiling... she said to me 'look how happy they look'...i said to her, knowing what she had just told me...'look what a fractured family this is'

so what i am saying is that just because they look happy doesn't mean they are happy... smiling and looking happy in front of a camera is the done thing. The proof that they are not all that happy is the fact that he has been seeing you on the side!

I can only speak from my own experience but to everyone i know, i and my wife are a gorgeous happy well adjusted loving couple. Yet i know that whilst we get on well, it is just like flatmates...not as lovers...

[Starswillshine]

I couldn't sleep last night and made the grievous mistake of looking him up on social media- something I had never done before. I saw a picture of his wife for the first time and it killed me. She's more attractive than I thought she would be which made me feel weird... as if somehow her being less attractive would justify his behavior (it doesn't). I'm still NC and plan to stay that way. But this morning I'm feeling sick and wishing I had just ignored my own morbid curiosity. He looked genuinely happy which to me is even more confusing/ unsettling. Why step out and risk so much if he loves his wife? So many unanswered questions. I'm realizing I'm going to have to accept that there are two sides to every story and I may never truly understand. I know he's not healthy for me, I know I need to let it go, and I'm having a hard time.

 

The lies we tell ourselves is that if someone is cheating, something has to be wrong within the marriage. That isn't the case. It is something that is wrong within the cheater, not the marriage. We have seen it in happy marriages and in miserable marriages. People have been in miserable marriages and have not cheated. It has NOTHING to do with the marriage. Everything to do with the cheater... weak, insecure, or entitled, etc. Etc. Can be a number of issues. I think society believes this as a way for us to feel in control. "Well, if I keep my marriage good, it will never happen to me."

 

Why risk everything? Most of the time, the cheater isn't thinking about risking anything. Most believe they will never get caught.

Edited August 28, 2017 by Starswillshine
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