Feeling lost... How do I get over ending my A with my MM?

[K.K.]

I feel for you. 'Lost' is a very appropriate word. I'm so sorry.

[MidlifeMama]

I am going through a sever depression as I have been having an affair for 8 years (long distance). I have been married for almost 25 years and unable to make the decision to divorce.

 

My husband is a good man, but there has never been sexual chemistry and we are very different, but I love and care about him.

 

The other man has a GF and after having gone through a horrible life-changing divorce he has no plans to change his life to be with me. Honestly, he only fulfilled a need I had sexually, even then without emotion. I have caring from my husband but no sexual feelings and sexual feeling from OM but no emotions.

 

I recently realized I have to make a break from both. Neither are truly the person for me. I am devastated and numb to move forward with cutting either off.

 

The OM makes it easier as he shuts off contact after we have been together, but I am addicted to him. I feel absolutely lost and empty on all levels. It isn't fair for me or my husband to be in my marriage and not be there 100%. Affairs never end well. Rarely anyway. I understand your feelings. It is so hard to let go of someone who gave you attention, but in hindsite, they can never be there for you 100%.

 

I am in a very dark place right now, after having seen the OM recently. I want out of both relationships but feel so lost as what to do.

 

Following this thread to get support and ideas on how one has coped.

[MidlifeMama]

Hbroken,

 

I am wondering more about your situation. Are you both married? I would really like a prespective of a mans point of view. It seems you are hurting after she broke it off?

 

I am hurting so much as my AP always goes silent after we have been together. It's been 8 years and connected 4 times (long distance). We have shared a lot, but he made it clear early on that he didn't want to get, "Serious". I feel so hurt everytime we meet up and then he ignores me. Only to respond when the text or other contact is sexual. He had a bad divorce and has a GF (live-in) and really doesn't see his life changing at this point.

 

I keep thinking,"He's just not that into you", yet 8 years, it can't just be sex he keeps coming back for. I have to stop. I have decisions about my life to make. I am very unhappy in my marriage. Long story, but I would like some insight from a mans point of view on this subject. He said to me once,"I don't want to be the reason you divorce. I get that but how can he disconnect each time so easily?

 

I am sorry you are hurting. Do you want to share what your story is, or have you?

[Hbroken]

Hbroken,

 

I am wondering more about your situation. Are you both married? I would really like a prespective of a mans point of view. It seems you are hurting after she broke it off?

 

I am hurting so much as my AP always goes silent after we have been together. It's been 8 years and connected 4 times (long distance). We have shared a lot, but he made it clear early on that he didn't want to get, "Serious". I feel so hurt everytime we meet up and then he ignores me. Only to respond when the text or other contact is sexual. He had a bad divorce and has a GF (live-in) and really doesn't see his life changing at this point.

 

I keep thinking,"He's just not that into you", yet 8 years, it can't just be sex he keeps coming back for. I have to stop. I have decisions about my life to make. I am very unhappy in my marriage. Long story, but I would like some insight from a mans point of view on this subject. He said to me once,"I don't want to be the reason you divorce. I get that but how can he disconnect each time so easily?

 

I am sorry you are hurting. Do you want to share what your story is, or have you?

 

Hi Mama

 

I can give you some insight into my relationship and how i guess your guy is thinking.

 

When i got in the relationship i was simply bored with my life..i wasn't consciously aware that there was something missing - i was simply bored. As my AP was also in a relationship it simply worked for both of us to see each other and fulfil each others needs. As time progressed, it became more of an emotional connection. I wish it had ended after the first year and didn't go on as long as it did because as time progressed it became increasingly anxiety inducing and draining. When she became strong enough to end her relationship, the equation changed and it no longer worked for her and therefore she ended it. The truth is i am not hurting so much about the end of the affair which was quite draining towards the end but rather the hurt to my ego. i am also feeling uncomfortable looking at my own life and trying to work out whats missing. i guess for me its less about her rather than about me - my insecurities, my ego..

 

Now in your situation your MM is comfortable with the current status quo because it works for him. He has the best of both worlds..if you were single, it would make him very uncomfortable as you'd be free to date other guys etc and i am sure he would rather have you trapped in an unhappy marriage and him be the 'fantasy escape'. At this point he finds it easy to disconnect because your situation hasn't changed and therefore he knows he has a hold over you. i am sure he cares for you but there is no reason for him to want the relationship to change. If you leave he will feel very uncomfortable because clearly your presence has fulfilled some sort of unmet need for the past 8 years and that unmet need will start becoming obvious to him. I am sure it is more than just sex if its been going over the past 8 years but you will only truly find out if your situation changes and you become strong enough to tell him that you are moving on.

[ladydesigner]

I like Vivir's list. Your experience sounds a lot like my own. One thing I've been doing that helps me (although I know others may disagree), is reading ChumpLady's site, getting the view from the BS's side. The posts on there are mostly from women who have lived with these men for many years and know them intimately. It's quite eye-opening how childish many of these guys are. In one post I read that the guy blamed his wife for his cheating because she wore pajamas at night (after working 10 hours/day and then cooking for him)! Obviously this doesn't apply to all men, but I can see the similarities between many of these descriptions and the MM I was involved with. He is an entitled manchild who spends all his weekends doing his own fun outdoor things and getting phone numbers from hot blondes he meets (he was constantly telling me not to think about things too much but "just have fun!"). This is someone who has a wife and two very young kids at home that he is totally neglecting.

 

Anyway, reading that site is helping me to un-romanticize things and see him for what he truly is - a lying, cheating, entitled scumbag who should not in any way be rewarded for his actions.

 

Yep and I'm going to say it is like this for a majority of the MM including my own WS. Most WS's love themselves the most!

 

See below

 

When i got in the relationship i was simply bored with my life..i wasn't consciously aware that there was something missing - i was simply bored. As my AP was also in a relationship it simply worked for both of us to see each other and fulfil each others needs.

Edited August 31, 2017 by ladydesigner

[Sarcasm]

I said I can't do this anymore, you've told me there is no future, and if this is just sex I can get that somewhere else without all the guilt and shame attached. He became very hostile and did not take it well, and we went completely NC.

 

There's no guilt and shame. You clearly love this man very much. It's his loss for not seeing this, and choosing his family over you. Just remember that there are plenty of other MM or single men, that will give you all the attention you need. It'll be hard now, but once you let go, you'll look back and realize you deserve better.

[MidlifeMama]

Thank You so much for the insight Hbroken. I hope you are coping better with your break up. Do you feel you can salvage your marriage? I get along just fine with my husband on a lot of levels but that passion and chemistry has never been there. It won't get any better. You can't re-ignite a flame that has never been there , yet a lot of us hang on way past the expiration date both in emotionally void affairs and passion lacking marriages.

 

BlackHeartAmericana,

I feel your pain. You deserve better. I know where you are at emotionally and it is brutal. I have tried and have not been able to detach from AP. Someday I will for sure. It is just as painful to stay as it is to leave. How are you doing with the NC?

[MidlifeMama]

Thank You so much for the insight from a man's point of view. I so needed this. I still can't believe I became this person, but I understand now how it can happen. I am so lost on both the AP and Husband. I feel 2 different things and it's affecting my life horribly. I need to let go of both. I have to focus first on letting go of the AP, but it is so difficult.

I am feeling depressed, ashamed, anxiety-ridden and frozen to make any decisions on letting go of AP , who really gives me no good reason to stay and letting go of a 25 year marriage that is at it's end point. Thank you for your reply, it was helpful!

[Vivir]

One thing I've been doing that helps me (although I know others may disagree), is reading ChumpLady's site, getting the view from the BS's side. The posts on there are mostly from women who have lived with these men for many years and know them intimately. It's quite eye-opening how childish many of these guys are.

 

(he was constantly telling me not to think about things too much but "just have fun!"). This is someone who has a wife and two very young kids at home that he is totally neglecting.

 

Anyway, reading that site is helping me to un-romanticize things and see him for what he truly is - a lying, cheating, entitled scumbag who should not in any way be rewarded for his actions.

 

Jah, I think the ChumpLady site is a great one for betrayed spouses. It is a brutal anvil on the head of the OW and perhaps the MM. However, it was too brutal for me. One of the major issues I find myself dealing with in the aftermath of the affair will not yet allow me to take that kind of an emotional beating even if I might deserve it.

 

Just remember that there are plenty of other MM or single men, that will give you all the attention you need.

 

I would highly discourage the OP or anyone else interested in a mutually fulfilling, monogamous relationship to become involved with someone who is emotionally and/or physically unavailable - especially a married person.