365 days or so later

[Humantk]

Ugh. Its been over a year. Apart after 5 years together.

 

She was my first love. I was hers.

 

She stopped loving me a good while before she ended it, I know that now. She moved on so quick.

 

In a relationship now with a man that's almost 20 years her senior. Weird.

 

I've never felt more lost and alone.

 

I never appreciated just how happy she made me.

 

How good she was for my mental health.

 

I live in my own filth now.

 

I let an outdoor cat in a few months ago. Thought she could help. Selfish of me.

 

Ended with her checking into an institution. Making incisions in her own arms. She learned to hate me quick.

 

I broke a tooth from clenching my jaw, it's split in half.

 

Been a month. I live with the pain, I feel like I deserve it. I feel like it proves some way I'm still alive.

 

I really don't wanna be alive when I think about my first love. How hard it's hit me and how bad I've coped.

 

Drugs and alcohol.

 

The first 6 months were easier then the last 6 have been.

 

I really believed that we had true love. That if I could show strength she would feel like a month driven to flame.

 

But the flames been snuffed.

 

I feel like I've let my heart to the same.

 

Other then my capricious alley cat, I refuse to let myself get close to humans. She was a mistake, and I was drawn to her pain more then any other attribute.

 

The idea of a date is like a spider crawling up my spine... gives me the creeps.

 

Yet I long. So selfishly for someone to take this away.

 

But they won't ever be her.

 

I can't get over this massive hill.

 

I've seen her twice this summer. I degraded myself and bought her ice cream at the beach. Kissed her on the cheek and hugged her close.

 

Bled for days afterward.

 

I only ever felt alive with her. Its funny to remember how dead I used to feel and how I feel the same so many years later.

 

I still cry.

 

I'm sorry you have to read this.

 

I have no control.

 

But I need you to read this.

 

You're the only one I can say it to.

 

All my friends are her family.

 

My family is scarce.

 

So am I.

[whatnot]

when they lose interest in you but continue to see you...that's when the feelings of being used set in.

 

she's had her share of problems

 

 

Your problem could be bigger than that of losing a woman if you're using. When that happens....everything becomes an excuse to use and there's no way for anything good to happen.

 

get off the drugs and alcohol. Nothing else matters....it cuts your nose off to spite your face.

Edited August 25, 2017 by whatnot

[Amas5750]

Oh god i can relare to this.

 

Bleeding for days after seeing them. Oh seriously. All i can say us that i feel your pain.

[SevenCity]

I'm approaching the same milestone and haven't felt this good in a long time.

 

As much as I loved her and wanted, nay, KNEW I would spend the rest of my life with her I was forced to accept that it was over. The thought of us not being together was such a foreign concept my brain could not compute.

 

But, I refused to let her ruin my future. I was determined to date and find someone better. In the meantime I have learned about myself and the mistakes I've made, got a new wardrobe (mostly due to my massive weight loss caused my the breakup but I look good so I'm keeping it), been in therapy, and let go of expectations.

 

I've slept with and dated several women, even been in a 4 month relationship. Along my journey I realized that I don't need anyone to make me happy. I'm resilient, adaptable, and complete.

 

My ex, who was my best friend and lover for 7 years, is fading from my memory. It's all become a blur now. I'm not 100% there yet but I know I will be soon.

 

I haven't found someone better but I have become a better person than I was. That will facilitate having my next relationship be better.

 

For the first 6 months I was suicidal. Lack of knowing anything about her and removing all memories has gotten me to this point. I know now not only I can do better than her but I WILL do better than her. It's just a matter of time.

 

Let go of the past my friend and live in your present. I could have easily let this destroy me but I refused to let it. You have to put your foot down too.

 

Good luck brother.