"She's perfect but I don't see myself falling for her"

[basil67]

It's the male version of "He's a nice guy but..."

[preraph]

I'm that way. There is an X factor that you need to be attracted to someone in whatever way you seek. People do have an ideal in their head sometimes they keep trying to find. I knew a guy I liked and was friends with. He was taken and then I was in love with someone else so I wasn't emotionally available when he was free to get together. I even thought he was cute, but I just didn't have the "thing" for him. Whatever it is.

[Sweetfish]

Jennifer Aniston to me is the perfect example of what this guy is talking about.. on paper she is like the perfect girl... but something is missing..

[don't talk to me]

maybe she has traits that turn him off. or maybe he doesn't feel the raw and psychological kind of attraction for her.

[Chilli]

You can't just put it there or create it or make it, you just either feel it with someone or you don't sorta thing.

They could be perfect but that doesn't mean your gonna feel the right stuff for her.

lt's as simple as that really.

 

Although with some women it seems to work a bit differently from what l can understand and she can actually sorta grow to be in love with him over time.

[Fishforbreakfast]

I think this happens a lot, if only it was that easier to find someone that ticks all the boxes and for there to be chemistry as well! I've had bfs who tick all the boxes but I just can't love them no matter how hard I try or how much everyone tells me they are a catch, then I've had bfs who tick literally close to no boxes who I would die for (well just the one) but if we could chose obviously I'd put my romantic feelings onto the one that checks out well on paper but life doesn't work that easily all the time! I remember my friend lusted after this girl for ages she was a model and kind and loved animals but unfortunately for him when they started dating he realised that there was nothing there and he wanted it to be so much because she was his dream girl for so long and there was nothing "wrong" with her besides they just didn't have that spark - well not from his side anyway. It's interesting I think.

[Cookiesandough]

I think this happens a lot, if only it was that easier to find someone that ticks all the boxes and for there to be chemistry as well! I've had bfs who tick all the boxes but I just can't love them no matter how hard I try or how much everyone tells me they are a catch, then I've had bfs who tick literally close to no boxes who I would die for (well just the one) but if we could chose obviously I'd put my romantic feelings onto the one that checks out well on paper but life doesn't work that easily all the time! I remember my friend lusted after this girl for ages she was a model and kind and loved animals but unfortunately for him when they started dating he realised that there was nothing there and he wanted it to be so much because she was his dream girl for so long and there was nothing "wrong" with her besides they just didn't have that spark - well not from his side anyway. It's interesting I think.

 

It's very interesting, indeed! I've never seen/heard about this happening irl, only read about it online. I think the idea people go for what looks good "on paper" vs who they feel a spark or connection with in the first place is sort of nuts!

[nospam99]

This makes no sense to me .... I may be being superficial here or have a different definition of what I'd call 'perfect'. But if she's 'perfect', I've already fallen for her.

[Wave Rider]

Cookiesandough, I like the way you think. You point out the contradictions in our current belief system about dating and relationships.

 

I have come understand "chemistry" as relationships that feel emotionally familiar because they remind us of a significant relationship from our past, usually one that was hurtful to us, especially a parent-child relationship. There's a whole school of thought about this, Imago therapy. We feel chemistry for people who remind us of our parents, specifically their negative qualities. We seek a person who reminds us of our parents, and we try to get them to love us in the way that our parents never did. It's a repetition compulsion: we re-enact a trauma with the hope of getting a different outcome this time. That's what chemistry is really about.

 

But chemistry often turns out to be a trap because it's very unlikely that we'll get a different outcome. Our lover will likely hurt us again the same way that we were hurt in the original relationship. It turns out that there isn't an easy solution to this problem.

Edited September 5, 2017 by Wave Rider