Red flags flapping in the breeze????

[drillertex]

Hi all,

 

I have just started dating a lady and am concerned by some of what I know about her. I would like your opinions please.

 

First off, she is 46 and has never been married and has no children. She has been engaged twice but she broke off both of them. She has not seen or spoken with mom, dad, brothers or sisters in many years even though they live only about four hours drive time away.

 

 

My friends say these are all big time red flags and that I should run, not walk, away from this now before I get too deeply involved and get hurt. What do you guys think?

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by drillertex

First off, she is 46 and has never been married and has no children. She has been engaged twice but she broke off both of them. She has not seen or spoken with mom, dad, brothers or sisters in many years even though they live only about four hours drive time away.

 

It is hard to say since I don't know her but...

 

IMO Any woman 46, no kids, never been married.. has some serious issues, If not mental issues then commiment issues.

 

Throw in the family issues and I'd say she is a head case..

 

There are always reasons people don't develop relationships that move forward to marriage/kids , and they aren't good reasons for the dater.

 

Follow your friend(s) advice and stay away..

[morrigan]

Don't date her with thoughts of a wedding in mind--the two broken engagements are a good indicator that she's not matrimonially inclined. That to me is not an issue, as long as she's honest about her reasons for not wanting to get married/have kids. Not every female places high value on marriage and children. It doesn't mean she's different than a man who is a confirmed bachelor.

 

The big red flag is her relationship towards her family--unless there was issues of abuse that went on, it is strange that she wouldn't have contact with at least some of her family members. Has she ever said why she won't speak to them?

 

See how she interacts with others. Does she have good friends and enjoy getting out? If she often badmouths friends, co-workers, that's a red flag.

If she is nice and laid back, just have fun on your dates and don't think it's going to get serious.

[drillertex]

Thanks for the reply guys.

 

She doesn't seem to be deadset against marriage. She tells me that her reply whenever someone asks why she has not been married is to say, "well, any fool can get married, I just haven't met the right person yet." I think she is moving pretty fast in this relationship. I have only known her for about two weeks now and she drove over Monday night unannounced, had sex (for the first time with me) and drove home afterwards. It left me thinking, "well that was great but where did that come from?"

 

As far as her friends go, she only has one close friend and she has said some very ugly things about her as well as some very kind things. She does bash her co-workers constantly and always seems to view herself as a victim.

 

She will not say much about why she feels the way she does about family and talks very little about her childhood without beginning to cry. Guess that could be another red flag right?

[morrigan]

Originally posted by drillertex

 

She doesn't seem to be deadset against marriage. She tells me that her reply whenever someone asks why she has not been married is to say, "well, any fool can get married, I just haven't met the right person yet."

 

If marriage is something you truly desire in your future, I doubt it would ever happen with this woman. It's not true in every instance, but many people who are in their 40's-50's and have never been married probably have reasons of their own for not wanting to get married.

 

I think she is moving pretty fast in this relationship. I have only known her for about two weeks now and she drove over Monday night unannounced, had sex (for the first time with me) and drove home afterwards.

 

Some women are like some men--they enjoy having sex with someone they find attractive, but it doesn't necessarily mean they are wanting a deeper emotional involvement anytime soon.

 

If she frequently speaks about people in disparaging ways, and truly views herself as a victim, sorry, that's a big red flag. If she is pretty closed mouthed about her family relationships, it's going to be difficult to really get to know her on an intimate level.

[Marshbear1]

I don't know if they are red flags but I would tread carefully in getting involved to much until you get more answers from her. She seems commitment phobic with relationships and even her family. Getting to attached is a no no for her and it probably stems from her past. You would need to spend lots of time and handle her gently to find out the causes.

 

Are you willing to do this?

 

The sex stop is pretty typical for someone who is commitment phobic's as it is satisfaction without real involvement. She may be worth the effort but time will tell as she will either keep you at a distance or really try to reel you in and then blame you if things go sour.

[deveera]

For my two cents worth, it does sound like she needs some professional counseling at the very least. She doesn't SOUND like a very happy individual.

 

Are you brave enough to be there for her and be the support that she needs while HELPING her to get help? Sounds like she could use at least another friend....

[nicki]

Do you think she has a history of abuse? Sounds possible if she cries about her childhood, doesn't speak to her family and hasn't had many close relationships.

 

The love of a good man (or friend) could really help her heal. She probably has trust issues and is afraid of feeling vulnerable. Vulnerability opens one up to hurt.

 

Either way, if you get serious about her, you might think about suggesting counseling. Even couples counseling can help you both set up the relationship in a healthy way from the start. Then she might go on her own too.

 

Good luck. I wouldn't necessarily write her off, but would seek to understand her before making any decisions.

[drillertex]

Thank you all for your advice and opinions.

 

We spent some time together last night and without me having to bring it up, she began to tell me about how her parents would beat and molest her when she was a small child.

 

So now I can see where she would have severe committment and trust issues. Question is, how would I, as simply a boyfriend, get her to consider counseling if she has not done so in all these years? Let me mention that lack of money for counseling is not a problem as she is well educated and a professional in the healthcare industry.