Dealing with the ex after long term break up

[hurts_so_bad]

Hey Ladies and Gents

Its been a long while since Ive been on..Since my seperation from my ex over 5 years ago things have gotten much easier but I still find myself questioning myself in many areas..

 

One mainly being how I should treat my ex at this point..I was a large reason for our break up..Lets just say I wasnt the greatest husband! There was no cheating but there was a lot of partying and staying out all night and things to that sort that lasted many years eventually leading to our break up after 17 years of marriage.

 

I was no saint but the way she left was wrong as well..She waited to meet someone then decided to end it I guess because she was afraid to be alone..

Anyway thats old news..

 

The thing is that I still have feelings for this women and would maybe like to try to get back with her someday..Yes even after 5+ years!

 

My problem is I dont know how I should be dealing with her..We talk and see each other quite often because we have three kids together that come to my home all the time during the week to visit and every other weekend...

 

I never call on her for anything, She mostly calls on me with kid problems or things they need..I try to play it cool and be somewhat friendly(not over doing it) but Im not so sure friendly is the best course of action..

 

I feel that sometimes she kind of puts herself in my orbit just to see if I bite and once I give her the attention she needs she is now comfortable with knowing I am still available..

 

An example is the other day my daughter had to go to the dentist very badly..She was in pain..So my ex called me about the dental coverage because there was a issue with payment..Something went screwy with my coverage...So I told her to put me on the line with the dentist and I paid the bill with my bank card over the phone in order to not deal with the red tape while I was at work.. I will just send the bill in and get reimbursed later.

 

Anyway, Later that day both my daughters are at my house..While I am in my family room working I here the doorbell ring..Something told me it was my ex but I didnt move..My daughters answered it..I said to myself if its her and she comes down here Im going to tell her that she just cant come in my home like that.

 

Sure enough a minute later she comes downstairs..Its her..Explaining that the dentist said they the coverage would reimburse me and thank you..I couldnt tell her what I wanted to say because I felt my daughters let her in so what can I do..Anyway, She goes on to ask me about my Red tail boa constrictor that I have, How he is doing then asks about my gecko, asks how my pop is, Tells me she loves my parrot and how he said hello to her, yadda yadda..I was polite and talked to her a bit till her and my daughters finally went home..

 

My question to you guys is, Did I do the right thing or should I be more stand off ish?

 

I feel in a way playing it cool is the right way to go but sometimes I feel like its not and that I shouldnt be friendly..I feel being friendly gives her the idea that I still want her and Im still there for her which makes everything easy for her knowing Im still there..Even so it may be true, Thats the last thing I want her to think!

 

Any thoughts?

Thanks!

[road]

If you do not want to get back together

then you need to eliminate any direct

contact. In person and phone.

 

She needs to speak with you have her

text you.

 

As to getting back with her. That is a feeling

many BH's have. Even years after the split.

 

So the question is she still with the OM she

left your for?

 

Is WW seeing anyone?

 

If WW is not seeing anyone and this is something

that you want to explore then do it but do it

slowly.

[somuchfortheone]

Hey Ladies and Gents

Its been a long while since Ive been on..Since my seperation from my ex over 5 years ago things have gotten much easier but I still find myself questioning myself in many areas..

 

One mainly being how I should treat my ex at this point..I was a large reason for our break up..Lets just say I wasnt the greatest husband! There was no cheating but there was a lot of partying and staying out all night and things to that sort that lasted many years eventually leading to our break up after 17 years of marriage.

 

I was no saint but the way she left was wrong as well..She waited to meet someone then decided to end it I guess because she was afraid to be alone..

Anyway thats old news..

 

The thing is that I still have feelings for this women and would maybe like to try to get back with her someday..Yes even after 5+ years!

 

My problem is I dont know how I should be dealing with her..We talk and see each other quite often because we have three kids together that come to my home all the time during the week to visit and every other weekend...

 

I never call on her for anything, She mostly calls on me with kid problems or things they need..I try to play it cool and be somewhat friendly(not over doing it) but Im not so sure friendly is the best course of action..

 

I feel that sometimes she kind of puts herself in my orbit just to see if I bite and once I give her the attention she needs she is now comfortable with knowing I am still available..

 

An example is the other day my daughter had to go to the dentist very badly..She was in pain..So my ex called me about the dental coverage because there was a issue with payment..Something went screwy with my coverage...So I told her to put me on the line with the dentist and I paid the bill with my bank card over the phone in order to not deal with the red tape while I was at work.. I will just send the bill in and get reimbursed later.

 

Anyway, Later that day both my daughters are at my house..While I am in my family room working I here the doorbell ring..Something told me it was my ex but I didnt move..My daughters answered it..I said to myself if its her and she comes down here Im going to tell her that she just cant come in my home like that.

 

Sure enough a minute later she comes downstairs..Its her..Explaining that the dentist said they the coverage would reimburse me and thank you..I couldnt tell her what I wanted to say because I felt my daughters let her in so what can I do..Anyway, She goes on to ask me about my Red tail boa constrictor that I have, How he is doing then asks about my gecko, asks how my pop is, Tells me she loves my parrot and how he said hello to her, yadda yadda..I was polite and talked to her a bit till her and my daughters finally went home..

 

My question to you guys is, Did I do the right thing or should I be more stand off ish?

 

I feel in a way playing it cool is the right way to go but sometimes I feel like its not and that I shouldnt be friendly..I feel being friendly gives her the idea that I still want her and Im still there for her which makes everything easy for her knowing Im still there..Even so it may be true, Thats the last thing I want her to think!

 

Any thoughts?

Thanks!

 

 

This is absolutely bizarre. If you want to be with the mother of your children why would you not have that conversation? Why on earth would you want her to feel the opposite? If I didn't feel that the husband of my children wanted to be with me, I would not make him an option in my mind and that would leave the door open for another man to swoop me up. That does not put you in a good position. I think you need to think long and hard if you really want to be back with this Woman and if you do, you need to quit playing games ( you are way too old for that ) and learn to communicate… Have the conversation. But before you do anything you need to figure out if you really want to be with her or not. Do not tell her anything until you figure that out without a doubt. Also please do not have this conversation over the phone. Please have this conversation in person. Yes she left you but you admit you made mistakes. It's your responsibility to own up to your mistakes and not point the finger at her for hers. It's her responsibility to own up to her end of things. Don't go into the conversation pointing fingers. It's time to be an adult and have a mature conversation. Pointing fingers is not gonna get you anywhere... it doesn't show growth.

[Just a Guy]

Hi it hurts, what is your ex wife's current status? Is she seeing someone or is/ has she been alone these last five years? Of course if she is seeing someone then the question of getting back with her answers itself. However, if she has been alone and with the input you have given, she may have thought over things and decided that life with you was not so bad after all. 17 years is a long time and one builds up history with one's partner. That history can be a strong motivating factor to draw some one back to one's previous companion. Her actions suggest that. She is not just 'a woman' but is your ex wife, someone you shared intimacy with and also your hopes and fears, your fatherhood to her motherhood and so much more. As you said there was no cheating and I'm assuming no physical abuse. The reason she left you was she felt you were ignoring her. You said the manner of her leaving you was not correct or good but I am not very clear what you are implying. Did she fall in love with someone else and move in with him? If so what happened to that relationship?

 

On another note I would say that the way you have been handling your interactions with her including your latest one, is the right way. It is how a gentleman should behave with a woman and she, after all is your ex wife and the mother of your daughters. You have admitted that you still have feelings for her and I am almost certain she, too, has feelings for you. If you have improved upon your behaviour and have stopped partying and staying out late then if she knows about this, she may be thinking it would be good to get back with you. At your ages loneliness can be something to dread and for a woman it would be worse than for a man. If there is a meeting of minds then you should not hesitate but pick up the gauntlet and start dating her again. It all depends on what is at the core of your feelings with regard to her. Warm wishes.

[usa1ah]

Hey Ladies and Gents

Its been a long while since Ive been on..Since my seperation from my ex over 5 years ago things have gotten much easier but I still find myself questioning myself in many areas..

 

One mainly being how I should treat my ex at this point..I was a large reason for our break up..Lets just say I wasnt the greatest husband! There was no cheating but there was a lot of partying and staying out all night and things to that sort that lasted many years eventually leading to our break up after 17 years of marriage.

 

I was no saint but the way she left was wrong as well..She waited to meet someone then decided to end it I guess because she was afraid to be alone..

Anyway thats old news..

 

The thing is that I still have feelings for this women and would maybe like to try to get back with her someday..Yes even after 5+ years!

 

My problem is I dont know how I should be dealing with her..We talk and see each other quite often because we have three kids together that come to my home all the time during the week to visit and every other weekend...

 

I never call on her for anything, She mostly calls on me with kid problems or things they need..I try to play it cool and be somewhat friendly(not over doing it) but Im not so sure friendly is the best course of action..

 

I feel that sometimes she kind of puts herself in my orbit just to see if I bite and once I give her the attention she needs she is now comfortable with knowing I am still available..

 

An example is the other day my daughter had to go to the dentist very badly..She was in pain..So my ex called me about the dental coverage because there was a issue with payment..Something went screwy with my coverage...So I told her to put me on the line with the dentist and I paid the bill with my bank card over the phone in order to not deal with the red tape while I was at work.. I will just send the bill in and get reimbursed later.

 

Anyway, Later that day both my daughters are at my house..While I am in my family room working I here the doorbell ring..Something told me it was my ex but I didnt move..My daughters answered it..I said to myself if its her and she comes down here Im going to tell her that she just cant come in my home like that.

 

Sure enough a minute later she comes downstairs..Its her..Explaining that the dentist said they the coverage would reimburse me and thank you..I couldnt tell her what I wanted to say because I felt my daughters let her in so what can I do..Anyway, She goes on to ask me about my Red tail boa constrictor that I have, How he is doing then asks about my gecko, asks how my pop is, Tells me she loves my parrot and how he said hello to her, yadda yadda..I was polite and talked to her a bit till her and my daughters finally went home..

 

My question to you guys is, Did I do the right thing or should I be more stand off ish?

 

I feel in a way playing it cool is the right way to go but sometimes I feel like its not and that I shouldnt be friendly..I feel being friendly gives her the idea that I still want her and Im still there for her which makes everything easy for her knowing Im still there..Even so it may be true, Thats the last thing I want her to think!

 

Any thoughts?

Thanks!

 

Um, I'm confused here. At the start you are wanting to maybe get back together. At the end it's like no way is it going to happen on your side.

 

You have to figure out what you want. If it is her, go get her. If not find someone else.

 

Figure out what you want and go for it. If it's a no go, find someone new. At least you tried, no shame in that. The shame is not trying because of fear of her response to it.

[Marc878]

IMO the route you are taking just puts you in a solid plan B status. She can have what she wants both ways.

 

Why would you want to stay in this current situation?

 

Nicing them back never works.

 

If it were me I'd lay it on the line and if I got a no I'd go as no contact as possible and move on with my life. Text or email kids only.

 

Like many you are to weak to make this decision but by not doing so you leave yourself in perpetual limbo.

[hurts_so_bad]

In response to everyones Q&A..Yes she is with someone but not the guy she was with when we first broke off..I am also with someone (please dont judge me as Im sure Im not the only one) but not as happy as I was with my ex..I know that I want to try again...Thing is that I feel if I asked her or show interest she will lose hers if she has any..

 

Yes it may sound like a game but the truth is, Thats how things go many times especially in todays society with all the weird friggin rules of dating..You should wait so long before calling yadda yadda..Its totally ridiculous..

 

I was always the guy who just did what I wanted to do..If I wanted to call the day after the first date or even the night of the first date to say I had a good time, I did it...

Never seemed to scare anyone away...The past 5 years since my break up I noticed how much the game has changed..Its changed a whole lot unfortunately and all I did was find myself losing with being just who I am..

 

I guess thats why I dont want to tell my ex anything..Im afraid of being rejected by her again or her losing interest (If she has any) if I make a move because she now knows I still want her..

 

Its a known fact that women are more attracted to men who's feeling are unclear..Sort of like people always want what they cant have.. Im sure women will chime in and say thats BS but it really isnt...

 

If it is? Why then does everyone know about the no contact rule? Yes the no contact rule is designed to help you heal but it has 2 functions..The other is to give the other person time without you in their lives so that they can possibly miss you.. If someone breaks up with you, You have to give them space without calling them or stalking them..Thats how they lose total respect for you..

[aMguilts]

Here we go again hurts

 

No. You are wrong.

Women are attracted to men that are strong and confident.

 

Thought you would have learnt at least something after all the advice a hell of a lot of people gave you .. guess not

 

Move on please.....

Stop keep banging on the same old door. It's locked forever

 

Btw.... Really great to hear from you again!!!!!

Even if it's negative

 

Chin up ?.

aM

[Marc878]

In response to everyones Q&A..Yes she is with someone but not the guy she was with when we first broke off..I am also with someone (please dont judge me as Im sure Im not the only one) but not as happy as I was with my ex..I know that I want to try again...Thing is that I feel if I asked her or show interest she will lose hers if she has any..

 

You are stringing yourself along with this. You really want to be in this situation another 5 years from now?

Yes it may sound like a game but the truth is, Thats how things go many times especially in todays society with all the weird friggin rules of dating..You should wait so long before calling yadda yadda..Its totally ridiculous..

 

It been 5 years man it's not like a few dates.

 

I was always the guy who just did what I wanted to do..If I wanted to call the day after the first date or even the night of the first date to say I had a good time, I did it...

Never seemed to scare anyone away...The past 5 years since my break up I noticed how much the game has changed..Its changed a whole lot unfortunately and all I did was find myself losing with being just who I am..

 

I guess thats why I dont want to tell my ex anything..Im afraid of being rejected by her again or her losing interest (If she has any) if I make a move because she now knows I still want her..

 

So you stay in limbo waiting on a sliver of hope?

 

Its a known fact that women are more attracted to men who's feeling are unclear..Sort of like people always want what they cant have.. Im sure women will chime in and say thats BS but it really isnt

 

You never cut ties. She doesn't have to choose. That's why you are where you are and will stay if you don't bring this to a head

 

If it is? Why then does everyone know about the no contact rule? Yes the no contact rule is designed to help you heal but it has 2 functions..The other is to give the other person time without you in their lives so that they can possibly miss you.. If someone breaks up with you, You have to give them space without calling them or stalking them..Thats how they lose total respect for you..

 

No one cares if you waste your life away on this but you will wake up one day and wonder where all the time went. You can never get time back.

 

Ask her out to dinner and have a talk. I'd make it clear we try again or I'm gone except for text or emails kids only. Then you follow through one way or the other.

 

You have been tied up in this for 5 years because you never cut the cord. That is your problem to fix or stay where you are hoping one day she'll have an ephiany?

 

She may be thinking the same thing you are waiting for you to make a move. Quit dragging your feet and make a life for yourself. Or get more of the same.

 

The other option is to go no contact now and see what happens.

[aMguilts]

Thought he had

Said he was with someone?

Wonder what she should think if she saw this??!

 

Just wondering

aM

[somuchfortheone]

Thought he had

Said he was with someone?

Wonder what she should think if she saw this??!

 

Just wondering

aM

 

I disagree that the door is locked for good. She seems interested... you are interested. However, these games and poor communication aren't going to get you into a relationship together and if magically that did happen, it would probably end anyways because you both cannot communicate. You were married for that long and still resort to game playing to try to get her back? That's mind boggling. If that isn't who you are - don't do it. If it's who she is, no offense, she doesn't sound all that mature... and you certainly don't stoop to her level. Say "I'm not going to play games and beat around the bush. I was happier with you. I would like our family to be back together. Is this something that you want to try and be all in on?" If it's not a CLEAR, no game playing, "yes", then move on. At least you put it out there, you tried, it was clear.. you don't have to wonder "what if I didn't beat around the bush, what it I didn't play games, what if i was more clear?"...you have your answers.

[usa1ah]

If you are not happy with the person you're with then break it off.

 

Then see what your ex does in return.

 

No harm done, if it doesn't work out with your ex. Start again and fine someone you are happy with.

[Marc878]

I browsed through your past threads. You've been playing the same song and dance for years now.

 

If you change nothing, nothing changes.

 

You have kept yourself in limbo. Not doing no contact you can't move on. Not stating your case you are just hovering.

 

It's weak and indecisive. Women are not attracted to that. Perhaps you should try strong and decisive.

[somuchfortheone]

I browsed through your past threads. You've been playing the same song and dance for years now.

 

If you change nothing, nothing changes.

 

You have kept yourself in limbo. Not doing no contact you can't move on. Not stating your case you are just hovering.

 

It's weak and indecisive. Women are not attracted to that. Perhaps you should try strong and decisive.

 

☝️I agree with Marc.

[hurts_so_bad]

So in other words what you guys are telling me is that I should ask her to dinner and see what happens? If she says no just drop it and go as No contact..Thing is what if she contacts me? Thats usually what happens every few weeks to a month..Most of the time its regarding the kids so I cant avoid that but there are times she just calls for dumb crap...Should I not answer her at all? I dont want to be rude but I also dont want to be "As Marc called it" Her solid plan B guy..

[road]

So in other words what you guys are telling me is that I should ask her to dinner and see what happens? If she says no just drop it and go as No contact..Thing is what if she contacts me? Thats usually what happens every few weeks to a month..Most of the time its regarding the kids so I cant avoid that but there are times she just calls for dumb crap...Should I not answer her at all? I dont want to be rude but I also dont want to be "As Marc called it" Her solid plan B guy..

 

No forget dinner.

 

Ask her to come over Saturday afternoon.

Get the kids watching a movie then take

your wife to the back yard and tell her:

 

Does she want to retry being together because

you would like to try.

 

Thing is if she does not you need to eliminate

all direct contact with her. That text's, emails

between you from now on must be only about

the kids. All other forms of contact must end.

 

She comes to get the kids she calls them on the

phone to come out to the car. She drops them

off she stays in the car and watches them enter

the house.

 

You are not being vengeful but need the NC to

finish healing from the affair and the divorce.

 

If she wants to try she must live her life transparent,

no more secrets, lies, trickle truths, and agree to

the both of you to end all current relationships and

only date each other.

 

You will appear interested and strong, not a doormat

and weak to her.

[hurts_so_bad]

No forget dinner.

 

Ask her to come over Saturday afternoon.

Get the kids watching a movie then take

your wife to the back yard and tell her:

 

Does she want to retry being together because

you would like to try.

 

Thing is if she does not you need to eliminate

all direct contact with her. That text's, emails

between you from now on must be only about

the kids. All other forms of contact must end.

 

She comes to get the kids she calls them on the

phone to come out to the car. She drops them

off she stays in the car and watches them enter

the house.

 

You are not being vengeful but need the NC to

finish healing from the affair and the divorce.

 

If she wants to try she must live her life transparent,

no more secrets, lies, trickle truths, and agree to

the both of you to end all current relationships and

only date each other.

 

You will appear interested and strong, not a doormat

and weak to her.

 

 

I am 95% healed with getting over her..The pain is gone but I still care for her and would like to try again..My biggest issue is how I should handle situations like this...I have lost many times with women in the past 5 years since my ex to the point where I have tried to reinvent myself figuring I have to change something because what I was doing wasnt working....I have watched every friggin dating coach out there, Ive been on this site and others. So I have quite a bit of knowledge regarding the issue but mine seems unique..I get the no contact thing but what about when she contacts me not pertaining to the kids? Should I not answer? Tell her not to contact me? Or just be polite but give very little time? This is where I get screwed up...

[aMguilts]

You are asking the same questions over and over again for how many years now??

 

What do you want to hear???

 

I know the answer. But it's not up to me.

So keep knocking.

Personally... I think you are trying to sell sand to an Arab.

But...maybe one day you will learn.

Good luck

aM

[hurts_so_bad]

You are asking the same questions over and over again for how many years now??

 

What do you want to hear???

 

I know the answer. But it's not up to me.

So keep knocking.

Personally... I think you are trying to sell sand to an Arab.

But...maybe one day you will learn.

Good luck

aM

 

Bro, Im asking advice! I dont need to keep hearing you chime in with your remarks..Give advice or stop posting..You talk about me? You have been on here how many years now? Obviously you dont have all the answers either..So either give constructive advice or please forget my thread