How do you know when your READY to move on?

[totallyconfused]

i just recently broke up with my x of 4 years a good month ago. it was a pretty devastating ending as i caught him cheating/lying to me. i got over it about a good week or two and have just been doing my own thing.

 

well suddenly im caught in the whirlwind of flirting incessantly with a co-worker for the past month. hes not really a co-worker b/c i'm only an intern and will be outta there at the end of the month. we have a great time and talk alot. i've never met anyone like him who can keep up with me! b/c of work, we go out to lunch together everyday and we've hung outside of work twice. we have a fantastic time just talking and laughing hysterically. he tells me he's really comfortable with me. and i am comfortable with him. its about that time now tho...i feel like it needs to go ahead the next step, and he's been saying "...whenever your ready" kinda deal. and now throughout all this fun i'm having, my x wants to get back together with me. but i cant go back to him b/c he's messed up so badly and i just dont think i believe in second chances.

 

so now that i'm NOT in a relationship, i'm not so sure how to know when im ready? i feel like, yeah i might be on the rebound, but this guy is so awesome. like hes defenitely a keeper rebound or not. he's got great values and we just have a good time together. he's been single for almost a year and he's had a similar past as mine (though no cheating!) so i think we'd do great.

 

i feel like i am only holding myself back only b/c everyone seems to tell me not to rush into things. i'm trying to be smart, but i'm just doing things/saying things that come naturally. how do you know when your ready to get back in the game? is there a time limit? like over 2 months or something?

 

of course i still care about the x, but i just know that i dont want to get back with him b/c he will hurt me again and he wasnt right for me anyways. but this guy, the chemistry is there. so do i just jump on it and hope for the best? times a wastin, my internship is ending very soon...lol. and what can i expect after it? im going back to school about 6 hours away from him so...idk. shud i just keep myself on the down low or have fun with no strings attached?

 

i guess i've been out of the dating game for so long, idk what is the etiquette anymore

[alphamale]

Originally posted by totallyconfused

of course i still care about the x, but i just know that i dont want to get back with him b/c he will hurt me again and he wasnt right for me anyways.

you will most likely be back with your ex b/f within the next 2 to 3 months so this new dude is a non-issue

[whichwayisup]

Just be upfront with this new guy. Tell him you're basically fresh out of a relationship and not too sure how serious you want things to go...

 

Take it day by day and see what happens.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by alphamale

you will most likely be back with your ex b/f within the next 2 to 3 months so this new dude is a non-issue

 

 

hehehehe .. you hit the nail on the head .. Although it could be 4 months

[totallyconfused]

nooooo why is everyone saying that i am gonna get back together with him? everyone told me, ESP LoveShackers, to move on right? wtf so i am. and that includes dating.

 

i DO NOT want to take him back. that man is a homo and deserves to be alone for a long time. if i were to give him a 2nd chance thats like just ASKING for it again but worse.

 

now, back to the very cool and very smooth guy. i want him.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by totallyconfused

now, back to the very cool and very smooth guy. i want him.

I highly doubt you want the new dude. This is just a minor temorary distraction. The reason I say this is cause most women end up taking back their lying and cheating boyfriends. Just a fact of life I guess....

good luck

alpha

[westernxer]

Originally posted by alphamale

I highly doubt you want the new dude. This is just a minor temorary distraction. The reason I say this is cause most women end up taking back their lying and cheating boyfriends...

 

Especially when they're on the rebound after only a month...

 

[clandestinidad]

I kinda agree w/ alpha and the others on this one.

 

Its more likely that you'll go back to your ex at some point, b/c a relationship w/ him is what you know and are accustomed to (despite how much you hate what he did/how he treated you).....unless you stay single for a while longer.

 

Give yourself a little more time (and that means not having sex or anything w/ this new guy....b/c that negates "taking it slow" and "not jumping into a relationship")

 

oh yeah....and I highly doubt someone can be over a 4 year relationship in this short time

[jadedjessie]

Forget all these Negative Nancy's. You don't have to go back to your ex just because everyone here says you will. I can tell you're stronger and smarter than that. He's a cheater, in other words, a low-down, dirty, filthy scum-bag, and he is not worth your time or love. Perhaps the reason you were able to get over him so quickly was because you knew deep down all along that he wasn't right for you. More power to ya! Break-ups are not easy. If I could get over my ex's that quickly I'd be one happy woman! But I'm a bit too obsessive for that. As for this new guy, my advice is, continue dating him, but don't let it turn into anything serious until you're absolutely sure and there are no doubts. If your internship is ending quick you'd better exchange phone numbers and set up a date with this guy! It doesn't need to be taken seriously right now, though. As for your ex, you're better off without him. Look at the other guys you attract! Definate upgrade. The best of luck to you! Stay strong!

[totallyconfused]

thank u jessie!!! your right, thats what kept me strong the first 2 weeks was b/c i knew that we really weren't taht compatible the first time around, i just thought that that was my "sacrifice" in the relationship. and that i shouldnt forget those feelings, b/c they wud just come up again if i went back to him. so whats the point? i'm def. not over him, but i'm following through with my thoughts b/c i have to guard my emotions, i have to have some self-control over my emotions or they will run rampant.

 

and... we have finally exchanged phone numbers and we've gone out on 2 friendly dates. im actually enjoying getting to know the guy w/o all that hassle of sex. its a little slow paced, but keeps me in anticipation. he knows about my x and i think thats why...ay what a girl to do

[westernxer]

Originally posted by totallyconfused

i'm def. not over him, but i'm following through with my thoughts b/c i have to guard my emotions, i have to have some self-control over my emotions or they will run rampant.

 

Yep, it's a rebound.

 

You just screwed yourself over by admitting this. Wait until the ex calls or swings by... you'll drop the hot, new guy like a sack of groceries.

 

You also have bad judgment, dating a co-worker, but you're only an intern, so we'll forgive you. Everyone knows that interns are for screwing.

 

By the way, no one's being negative, just realistic. Wait and see... (if you hang around here long enough and browse the other threads, you'll understand what I mean)

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by westernxer

Everyone knows that interns are for screwing.

[totallyconfused]

oh that was such a chumpshot!!! u know it! but funny.

 

and anyways, who said anyones getting screwed??!! i'm still in anticipation, but that just goes to show...maybe i did find a keeper.

 

and btw, the ex has called, he has emailed, he has imed, he has even told me his "plan of attack" is to go buy a ring and ask for marriage. but u know what i turned him down, all of it. i told him to find God first b/c he needs to find out what honesty and the truth and not be so dependent on a relationship. i told him to ask God for forgiveness to rid his own guilt. i asked him, "would you want to go out with yourself?"

 

it seems like yes, there is always going to be love and hurt thereafter a breakup. but goodness, can you so called men control your emotions please? theres a reason why its called SELF-control.

 

and stop being so cynical.

 

remember, i got out of my relationship $4k debt free and i'd like to keep it that way.

 

peace out biatch.

[westernxer]

Don't take it our prodding personal... just trying to loosen you up, that's all.

 

Your ex is definitely ill, and I will give you kudos for resisting him, but it's only been a month and your adrenaline's pumping. Let's see how you feel three months from now.

 

But hey, maybe the new guy will help you forget him... this usually doesn't happen though. But maybe you'll be the exception.

 

By the way, cynicism is fun, and it's usually dead-on!

 

 

[westernxer]

Originally posted by yellow carnation

It takes a long time to recover from a broken relationship, if lying, cheating, and betrayal were involved.

 

It took me a year to heal.

 

That's what we're trying to tell her...

 

[totallyconfused]

when is a better time than now to try to move on?

[New_Wife]

Better idea, why don't you have a quick lesbian fling first, just to clear your, er, head - then see what you want. I've heard it's very cathartic.

[westernxer]

Originally posted by totallyconfused

when is a better time than now to try to move on?

 

If you feel ready, fine. That's great. Whatever you do, don't try to hide behind the new guy, thinking he'll erase your pain. He can't.

 

However, if you just want to jump his bones, more power to you. But it's gonna hurt him if he develops feelings for you (and he probably will), because you're still not over the ex. He'll just have to learn the hard way, like everyone else. That's just the way it is.

 

If you can cut off the ex completely and not mention him to the new guy in any way, shape, or form, then you're know you're ready. If not, you need to reconsider, because he'll end up holding your baggage.

 

[jadedjessie]

Very true. I say, try and forget the ex all together. Whatever you can do to keep your mind off of him, do it. Whether its negativity or reality thats guiding the comments here, you still have a choice in this matter. Good for you for turning him down. Stomp on his a$$!!

[westernxer]

Originally posted by jadedjessie

Whether its negativity or reality thats guiding the comments here...

 

Nothing negative about being realistic...

 

Like the others, I've seen this scenario one too many times to give her the benefit of the doubt without hesitation. Doesn't mean we're right, nor does it mean we're wrong. Concerned, definitely... cynicism be damned.

 

Originally posted by yellow carnation

<----------shortbus

That's funny...

[jadedjessie]

Yeah, westernxer, I understand there's a chance she'll go back to her ex, but everyone here has been acting like she will and there's nothing more to it. If you put it that way she'll just think, "well, if I'm going to go back to him anyway, I may as well just do it now." All I'm saying is she should be motivated to steer clear of her ex. He doesn't sound like a very good guy.

[westernxer]

I definitely agree with you about staying away from the ex, especially when he makes his next move, promising to change, saying he loves her, ad nauseum. If cheaters do happen to change, it's better they prove it with someone else, not with the person they cheated on. They're great at making empty promises, and extremely proficient in exploiting weakness for personal gain. He'll get desperate when she cuts him off completely. Cheaters always do, because they lack integrity, and have no respect for others.

 

Guess we'll have to wait and see how she handles this in the long run...

[totallyconfused]

thanks for the hope.

 

not.

 

cynicism - thats not something i strive for.

 

im still not sure how to handle the situation. this is the first time he ever cheated on anyone [aha! or so i think] so he's not a serial cheater. this is also my first time i'd ever been cheated on. regardless, my my mind always reels back to the new guy. he is something i have been looking for all my life - a man of substance, just wait until he disappoints me. heh. the ex is still apologetic and crying and blah blah blah. i do notice subtle differences, he is trying to change in character. i've told him that only time will tell and heal. that even if we were to get back together right now, i am still angry, bitter and revengeful. thus meaning my heart is not all in it.

 

i think the real question is, should i let go of him completely? its like do it now or else i'll drag this out longer than needed. i dont want to believe in second chances, but...i guess i will have to follow my instinct, as my gut is telling me to stay away from him but yet giving in is so...easy.

 

as for the new dude, i dont want to hide behind him thinking he'll erase my pain. thats just plain stupid. and for girls to do that to guys, im sure it would be pretty obvious to the new guy or anyone for that matter. what pain wud he erase? most of my pain has generally past, just a little bit of that leftover bitterness perhaps, but nothing that he can do to help as i'll need to rid them myself. i am genuinely interested and enraptured by his personality. is that possible in such a short amount of time? Just dont know where it could lead to as, interns are known for getting screwed and thus dont wanna put myself in that position esp. since im going back to school. he talks like he still wants to talk even after i leave and i just tell him that i have no expectations or assumptions. nothing has happened between us besides tons of talking, flirting and funny sexual innuendos. oh if i cud just be a free-spirited slut and slut this one out for the end of the month...sike!

[amerikajin]

confused,

 

How do you know that you're totally comfortable around him? How do you know you relate to him? Do you feel this way because of the circumstances, or do you really feel like this guy is 'different'? Is he 'different' because of the situation, or is he 'different'?

 

Generally, I agree with everyone else here when they say that this looks like a rebound, but ya know...sometimes you find the right person when you find them.