Why I'm still single

[laguna404]

Hi, I'm 37 years old woman and never had a boyfriend. I've had some friends with benefits situations in past. In college one guy really liked me but I didn't like him also in college I was date raped by someone else, my first time having sex. When I was 25 I first started online dating gave up quickly after meeting couple of guys that liked me and I didn't like.

 

I liked this doctor I worked with but he was moving and was just friends with benefits thing. Couple years later I had relapse of depression and was put on a medication that caused me to gain 70 pounds which destroyed my self esteem. Two years ago I lost 20 pounds with working out with a trainer and then got into online dating again I've been out with 29 guys only one connection went to 6 dates.

 

Some just wanted sex, some didn't like me and some I didn't like but they liked me. I've been trying hard to meet people through intramurals, Meetup groups/events, go out to bars etc. I'm kind of quiet person but not too quiet, I don't have trouble making friends. I'm very nice and caring person. I've asked psychiatrists if there is something wrong with me for not having had a relationship they tell me no, but makes me wonder. I'm trying hard with online dating and going out to increase my odds but it's tiring and disappointing. Any suggestions or options.

Thanks

Edited August 27, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[mortensorchid]

That's quite a tale you have told about your past. Certain things like that aside this is what I have to say ...

 

If there was an answer I would tell you what that answer is, but I don't have it to give you. Just like no one has the answer to give you. All you can do is keep trying and trying and never giving up.

 

But don't think that you are alone in certain things, many people are putting up fronts. Everything looks perfectly normal or mundane on the outside, but people are hiding many dirty little secrets that you don't know about. And some big ones as well. Many people try to make themselves look or seem as if everything is fine, but it's really not. Even those you claim to know. Think about it.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Do you want to have children?

 

If so, I would advise you to forget dating for a while and research options of how to have a child by yourself. You can always restart dating but once your window for having a child is gone, there is no coming back.

 

As for there being something wrong with you, I mean I am sure there are probably some intimacy issues. But I would say that you have no more issues than someone who is onto their 2nd/3rd marriages at your age or can't hold down a job or has multiple addictions or whatever else. Just seems that other stuff is more socially acceptable or more easily hidden.

[OatsAndHall]

I would suggest that you avoid OLD dating for awhile if you're struggling with the dating scene. It seems like a convenient way to meet potential suitors but it can be seriously draining and difficult to handle at times.

 

I have enjoyed dating more that I focus on meeting women in RL.

[laguna404]

Yes, I've thought for a long time my clock is ticking. I'm freezing my eggs in two weeks. Yeah I'll keep trying, it's weird how for some people they don't have to work at all in meeting people like my siblings and for others it's soooo tough. And the doubts if I'll ever find someone.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Sounds like a combination of bad luck and being picky, especially since you said many men have liked you.

 

For example, when I was your age I had two girlfriends in my life.

 

One of them had three kids. Most guys would not date women with three kids.

 

And the other one I could have easily have never met. I was lucky.

 

So, that number could have easily have been zero. And not only that, I didn't have flings like you really, so that number really could have been essentially ... zero.

 

I'm not telling you to lower your standards, mind you, just saying that number could be more than zero.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Yes, I've thought for a long time my clock is ticking. I'm freezing my eggs in two weeks. Yeah I'll keep trying, it's weird how for some people they don't have to work at all in meeting people like my siblings and for others it's soooo tough. And the doubts if I'll ever find someone.

 

Yes that totally puzzles me. For a lot of people, they just go about their lives and have to put no effort into finding a relationship. For me it's always been an uphill battle and I am soooooo tired of trying.

[Cookiesandough]

I don't know either. My best friend who is in her early 30s got divorced a like year ago and she's already found another guy and they'll probably be engaged soon. It's crazy how easy it is for some people

[Eternal Sunshine]

I don't know either. My best friend who is in her early 30s got divorced a like year ago and she's already found another guy and they'll probably be engaged soon. It's crazy how easy it is for some people

 

This girl I work with (mid 30s) was engaged to some guy and was about a week away from the wedding. Then she realized that she doesn't want to marry him, broke up and moved to another country. This was 1.5 years ago. Then she met another guy at work they got engaged 8 months later and she just got married. Meanwhile I'm still on tinder. FML

[whatnot]

...visit my shrink sometime. tellin' people what's wrong with 'em is his specialty

 

somehow...it always makes me feel better

[Eternal Sunshine]

Can you imagine how lucky people that never had to use OLD are? They probably don't even realize it and take it for granted.

 

Just makes me really sad

[No_Go]

Imagine though the old-fashioned way of meeting people - it just doens't work unless you settle very young (in college or max 2-3 years later). Especially for introverts - for me being in social situations (groups) is like pulling teeth. I love one-on-one conversations but sleazy dudes hitting on me in a club - blah... Better die single

 

Can you imagine how lucky people that never had to use OLD are? They probably don't even realize it and take it for granted.

 

Just makes me really sad

[No_Go]

I've asked psychiatrists if there is something wrong with me for not having had a relationship they tell me no, but makes me wonder. I'm trying hard with online dating and going out to increase my odds but it's tiring and disappointing. Any suggestions or options.

Thanks

 

You're fine, seriously, the lines FWB/boyfriend can be very blurred. Meet people through OLD, Meetups, friends - the more people you meet the higher your chances are. Make yourself look presentable, be friendly, it should work sooner than later. Maybe a matchmaking service can help if you don't want to do the traditional OLD.

[No_Go]

Imagine her marrying someone she doesn't even know I don't think this screams 'success' in relationship sense...

 

This girl I work with (mid 30s) was engaged to some guy and was about a week away from the wedding. Then she realized that she doesn't want to marry him, broke up and moved to another country. This was 1.5 years ago. Then she met another guy at work they got engaged 8 months later and she just got married. Meanwhile I'm still on tinder. FML

[No_Go]

Some people just can't function out of a relationship, so they 'secure' one asap. It is not hard if your standards are low.

 

 

I don't know either. My best friend who is in her early 30s got divorced a like year ago and she's already found another guy and they'll probably be engaged soon. It's crazy how easy it is for some people

[NexttP]

OP you've pretty much answered your own question, June also touched on it - "picky." See, you've had guys that you found attractive enough to sleep with, but you don't find them compatible (or they didn't find you compatible) to move on to a relationship.

 

So, that's why you're still single.

 

Find a guy that's attractive and compatible, build trust, and make sure he feels the same - recipe for relationship.

[shoplocal]

OP you've pretty much answered your own question, June also touched on it - "picky." See, you've had guys that you found attractive enough to sleep with, but you don't find them compatible (or they didn't find you compatible) to move on to a relationship.

 

So, that's why you're still single.

 

Find a guy that's attractive and compatible, build trust, and make sure he feels the same - recipe for relationship.

 

This doesn't necessarily make her picky.

[Steve51]

I knew a guy just like you. Turned out that he likes the kind of girls who do not like him. He always went after the Playboy type girls but was not the kind of guy they would date. He had money and a fancy car but that is where it ended. He was not very alpha despite surrounding himself with the trappings of an Alpha male. Sooner or later they all told him that they loved him as a brother.

 

I went on double date with him so I could tell him what the problem was. It was very obvious. He never made any moves on the girl. Never danced sex with her, not even a slow dance. All he did was talk like a friend. Me, on the other hand would let the girl know real quick that I did not want her as a friend. Then he wondered why the girls he liked only liked him as a friend.

 

The point is that you need to assess the type of guys you like. You may be wasting time chasing after men who fit your profile but are not looking for someone like you. Another thing I noticed with my friend is that by the time he was in his 30's, he was set in his ways. He would get upset if a girl did not put the milk on the proper shelf in the refrigerator and little things like that. He was so used to having things as he liked them that he could not have it any other way. As he got older, the more difficult it became to live with another woman. He wanted something that did not exist.

[shoplocal]

Hi, I'm 37 years old woman and never had a boyfriend. I've had some friends with benefits situations in past. In college one guy really liked me but I didn't like him also in college I was date raped by someone else, my first time having sex. When I was 25 I first started online dating gave up quickly after meeting couple of guys that liked me and I didn't like.

 

I liked this doctor I worked with but he was moving and was just friends with benefits thing. Couple years later I had relapse of depression and was put on a medication that caused me to gain 70 pounds which destroyed my self esteem. Two years ago I lost 20 pounds with working out with a trainer and then got into online dating again I've been out with 29 guys only one connection went to 6 dates.

 

Some just wanted sex, some didn't like me and some I didn't like but they liked me. I've been trying hard to meet people through intramurals, Meetup groups/events, go out to bars etc. I'm kind of quiet person but not too quiet, I don't have trouble making friends. I'm very nice and caring person. I've asked psychiatrists if there is something wrong with me for not having had a relationship they tell me no, but makes me wonder. I'm trying hard with online dating and going out to increase my odds but it's tiring and disappointing. Any suggestions or options.

Thanks

 

I'm also a woman, similar in age (35) and have never been in a relationship. It absolutely sucks - you can't help but feel like something is wrong with you.

 

That all said, trying hard at doing something you're not succeeding with will make you feel even worse. Take a long break from online dating and instead focus on your friends, acquaintances, and other contacts. Send emails, plan social dates, text like crazy, etc. You won't be able to help but realize how valuable and likeable you are, even if you're not in a relationship. It won't fill your desire for a partner, but you may get the warm fuzzies after a few months of focusing on people who already like you.

 

(If you don't feel awesome, consider therapy/medication in addition to quality time with your people.)

 

That's what I did all this year and while it's been rough, I will say this has definitely worked for me - the socializing and the medication both.

 

If, once you feel better, you want to return to online dating and lots of socializing, I've learned (a) not to conflate dating failure with social failure, and (b) most people you meet aren't going to 'stick' and that's totally normal. Sucky, but true.

 

Oh, and if you're a quieter/more introverted/etc sort - do you! I work with the public, so I know how to turn on the charm for short interactions. But for longer situations like parties, etc, I've learned to allow myself to be quiet, to take refuge in a corner, talk deeply to one person, etc. It may not be 'cool', but doing what comes naturally will make the interactions you do have that much more comfortable. Don't compare yourself to the extrovert in the middle of the room, talking to everybody - it's not productive and will only make you feel bad.

 

Hope this helps, and sorry you're in the same boat as me.

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[Sweetfish]

Amazing how many people surpass the "relapse of depression" and maybe its your energy that is not attracting men or women. Also, 70 lbs is a lot of weight... assuming you were 140lbs that pushes you into the 200lb area.. I know Lexapro or Zoloft does make you gain a bit of weight. Did you resolve your depression?

 

Have you lost a good amount of weight? Do your profile pics on OLD show your whole figure? Many women will try to hide their weight and the guy will go ghost.

[Eternal Sunshine]

OP you've pretty much answered your own question, June also touched on it - "picky." See, you've had guys that you found attractive enough to sleep with, but you don't find them compatible (or they didn't find you compatible) to move on to a relationship.

 

So, that's why you're still single.

 

Find a guy that's attractive and compatible, build trust, and make sure he feels the same - recipe for relationship.

 

This is the problem. I haven't met anyone like the bolded in many years now....

 

As for weight, I am within "normal weight" range. It's not always the weight that's the problem. For me, it's not that the guys reject me it's more that I don't meet anyone that I even like on OLD. I have my s$it together and most guys don't. Those that do are long since married.

[laguna404]

Thank you for the responses. Yes for those you've never used online dating they have no idea of the struggle. I mean I know if I liked the guy in college that I was friends with for years, Id probably ended up getting married young and children, which is what I want. But also I probably would not have reached where I am in my career. I live in NYC live in a high rise, do pretty well financially. I wasn't ready in college, it was difficult time period in my life.

Right now i'm pretty social, I go to meetup events as well as I organize meetup events to make friends as well. I do try to be busy most of the time and try not to stay at home too much. I have friends to do things with as well. I don't think I go after guys that don't like me, I don't have a certain type, I've learned to be more open, and understanding its all about the personality and not really about looks. I'm quiet but not too quiet, I do talk to people for a living. But I don't have experience with the small talk with a stranger at a bar, will be shy to go over and to talk to a stranger. But if they make the first move, I can be friendly and talk normally.

My depression is much better but not perfect, I'm on medication and go to psychotherapy. I did not try in dating from age 30-35 because of my depression and weight. But right now I'm doing a lot in trying in dating.

As far as my weight I wish I could blame it on it lol. but its not the case. I was normal weight all my life until 29 year old. So from the age of 18-29 i was normal weight and still couldn't find a boyfriend so can't blame the weight.

Now currently I have lost 20 pounds from the 70 I gained but still have 50 to go, I work out with a trainer 3 times a week and go to the gym on my own as well, and diet.

As far as my weight and online dating, I do have full length photos to avoid that issue, I show what I look like. Out of the 29 guys I have gone out with only a few have ghosted and half of that I don't think could be do to my weight--one ended up being married, and one think was just looking for sex.

Going to keep on trying as much as I can, just worried that my hard work won't pay off one day.

[Sweetfish]

This is the problem. I haven't met anyone like the bolded in many years now....

 

As for weight, I am within "normal weight" range. It's not always the weight that's the problem. For me, it's not that the guys reject me it's more that I don't meet anyone that I even like on OLD. I have my s$it together and most guys don't. Those that do are long since married.

 

 

Which could be a clear sign that you may consider average men.. actually below average and when guys point this out we are automatically assumed that we are wrong, jaded, or simply don't understand. I pointed out before that as you get older it will be harder and harder to find a man because women want men at their age or higher with a list of must haves and other women will scoop up the "good men" Men at an older age will have more options and will often date downwards as most women now will seek a slightly older man. We dont often care if you have no degree, working at a diner, or dont own your own home. Many men just see her for who she is while she is looking for what he has..

 

 

But what do you define as $#%# together? Are you trying to get you cake an eat it too? Maybe what you seek is simply just rare so therefore your standards are too high? No one on OLD has a home, a car, and a job???

 

You havent met anyone like this for years clearly tells me you find the average man unattractive or are you concluding in the last several years every single man was really below human standards?

 

I just find it hard to believe how rare you make the men you seek are out to be... do you see this same rarity in women?

[Cookiesandough]

Most people get marry people their age +/- a handful of years. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Age_disparity_in_sexual_relationships

 

 

And while it isn't the most significant thing when it comes to love, most men DO care about financial stability and compatibility of the woman they are dating. At least intelligent men wanting long-lasting relationships. I know 0 'Pretty Woman' scenario irl and isn't the 50s - people have less children and share incomes to have the best quality life possible.

 

Is something wrong with OP holding out to find a man she's attracted to. Perhaps she should date someone she's not attracted to. More than money or at least having a car is important to women...some need attraction too.

Edited August 30, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[kazen]

I'm kind of quiet person but not too quiet

 

I think this has a lot to do with it. Most people generally want someone they can talk to and have interesting conversations. I went out with a girl once who I thought was very cute, but then she was quiet on our date, I had to carry the conversation most of the time. Needless to say, after the 2nd date, I didn't ask her out anymore.

 

When you're out with someone, try to tease them a bit. Be playful and speak your mind and make sure your conversation is gear toward humor. Just try to have good laugh, even if it means sharing embarrassing stories about yourself or others. The most important thing is try to have lots of fun and laughter in your life. So you'll naturally be a happy person and when you're happy, you'll attract more people to you because they can feel the energy.

 

Also remember your happiness should not be entirely base on having a relationship. There should be other things in life that makes you happy too. Pursue your passion, don't neglect your hobbies and interests. Good luck!