Should I reply to an angry text?

[SGHB]

My girlfriend dumped me two weeks ago. We dated for two years and I screwed up. I was caught with a dating app profile and also texting a woman. I never met the woman and had no intention of doing so. It was dumb and I take full responsibility.

 

My girlfriend refuses to speak to me on the phone but still texts me every day. The last few days we seemed to be making "progress" through longer texts convos and her saying she loves me. The problem is she won't say whether or not she will forgive me and she also texts me on her time. Meaning, I get texts hours apart usually or when she is free. On the other hand she flips out if I don't reply right away.

 

I was out with friends last night and decided to ignore my texts. Sure enough I had a barrage of texts from her fueled with anger. She accused me of being in a date, told me she hates me, said she was going home with someone that night and was going to block me. I haven't bothered to text her because I have no idea what to say and also afraid she blocked me which would be devastating.

 

I've become so indecisive and honestly could use some advice on how to proceed. I really want her back but seems like I keep making errors.

[SevenCity]

I think you have to ask yourself if you wanted her so much why were you on a dating site looking for other women? Is it possible you just can't stand the fact you can't have her?

 

But let's assume you really want her. Her actions of saying she will go home with another guy are pretty bad. She wants to hurt you just like you hurt her - not the best sign of a good relationship.

 

She obviously doesn't trust you anymore and that will kill any chances you have.

 

If it were me I would respond with "I know what I did was stupid and I promise you it will never happen again. I want to work on things with you and will do whatever it takes to earn your trust again. If you want to work on things with me please let me know."

 

Then stop texting.

[Shanex]

You screwed up being on a dating app and took full responsibility, you DIDNT cheat. Neither emotionally (No intention to meet anyone else), nor physically.

 

She seems to have serious issues. I can't stand people who flip out because we don't reply right back. That's passive agressive behavior, and bordering on being emotionally abusive because she threatens to block you assuming you are on a date.

 

Sorry, you are being way to weak here. She is trying to control you in a manipulative, nasty way. Threatening to block you and making a scene out of you going with friends which she thought was a date would be a no-no for me.

 

Hope you can find someone better, let this witch go.

[SGHB]

Sounds like good advice.

 

I know what I did makes absolutely no sense. I do love my girlfriend. I wish I could go back and not mess up but what's done is done.

 

So you think it's best to text her today rather than letting this play out and see if she contacts me again?

[SGHB]

You screwed up being on a dating app and took full responsibility, you DIDNT cheat. Neither emotionally (No intention to meet anyone else), nor physically.

 

She seems to have serious issues. I can't stand people who flip out because we don't reply right back. That's passive agressive behavior

 

I totally agree. She is far from perfect and has had her share of "white lies" in the two years I've known her.

 

I really appreciate your feedback. I know you're correct and I am being weak. I guess part of me wanted to fix what I seem to have broke but at the same time I can't believe she can walk away over something so petty.

[Shanex]

I totally agree. She is far from perfect and has had her share of "white lies" in the two years I've known her.

 

I really appreciate your feedback. I know you're correct and I am being weak. I guess part of me wanted to fix what I seem to have broke but at the same time I can't believe she can walk away over something so petty.

 

No problemo. But now you got me curious about her white lies if you can elaborate?

[SGHB]

No problemo. But now you got me curious about her white lies if you can elaborate?

 

The relationship started two years ago. I was ending a 7 year relationship with my ex when I met my current girlfriend. She knew I was coming out of a long term relationship -- it had been dead for over a year but still we talked etc. This apparently was a green light for my girlfriend to still entertain attention from other men. She would accept gifts and chat with them. It finally stopped but in the beginning I caught her lying about it a handful of times.

 

She is much younger -- I'm 38 and she is 25. The relationship was all about sex at first and eventually evolved into something deeper.

 

I do want her back despite it being toxic. I just don't know how to play it. Continue with no contact or email her a red line type of statement. The odd thing is she refuses to speak to me yet would still text multiple times each day since the break up. I haven't heard from her since her tantrum last night though.

[basil67]

I can't believe she can walk away over something so petty.

 

It's not petty to her. One of the biggest relationship mistakes is to brush away someone else's concerns as being petty or silly.

 

That said, you're currently in the situation where she's got you dancing on her strings. She can't/won't decide if she wants to be with you, but expects you to answer any texts sent on her time frame. When you take back a bit of power (and it's perfectly reasonable to not answer texts when you're out with friends) she fills with vitriol and hateful behaviour. This woman is not stable and you're now getting warning signs.

 

If I were you, I'd block her without warning. She will figure out why pretty easily. It's time to cut your losses and move on.

[SGHB]

If I were you, I'd block her without warning. She will figure out why pretty easily. It's time to cut your losses and move on.

 

Im starting to think I'm the one wit issues. This is the most toxic relationship I e ever been in. I think I'm so focused on trying to settle down that I've forced myself to tolerate erratic and abusive behavior. I'm feeling "old". I want more out of life.

 

Being honest with myself this person was pretty selfish throughout the relationship. One of my biggest frustrations was never feeling like a priority. I'm addition about a year ago it became a long distance relationship.

[basil67]

Im starting to think I'm the one wit issues. This is the most toxic relationship I e ever been in. I think I'm so focused on trying to settle down that I've forced myself to tolerate erratic and abusive behavior. I'm feeling "old". I want more out of life.

 

Being honest with myself this person was pretty selfish throughout the relationship. One of my biggest frustrations was never feeling like a priority. I'm addition about a year ago it became a long distance relationship.

 

Ah, so you have some serious thinking to do. It could be that this situation is a blessing in disguise. Given that the relationship was already not meeting your needs, walking away is probably best.

 

If you should decide that you want her back regardless, I strongly suggest that you tell her you want her back, but cannot continue in this limbo land. Tell her that you are going NC, but if she wants to try again, she should reach out to you...but caution her to not leave it too long.

[SGHB]

If you should decide that you want her back regardless, I strongly suggest that you tell her you want her back, but cannot continue in this limbo land. Tell her that you are going NC, but if she wants to try again, she should reach out to you...but caution her to not leave it too long.

 

Call it closure or just crazy but I sent her an email and basically set a red line. I essentially said we owe each other a conversation over the phone and that I do not want to be text buddies or her crutch while she gets over me.

 

I honestly do not expect a reply from her. Part of me thinks she wanted to end things and my screw up gave her the out.

[pumpkinpie1]

You screwed up being on a dating app and took full responsibility, you DIDNT cheat. Neither emotionally (No intention to meet anyone else), nor physically.

 

She seems to have serious issues. I can't stand people who flip out because we don't reply right back. That's passive agressive behavior, and bordering on being emotionally abusive because she threatens to block you assuming you are on a date.

 

Sorry, you are being way to weak here. She is trying to control you in a manipulative, nasty way. Threatening to block you and making a scene out of you going with friends which she thought was a date would be a no-no for me.

 

Hope you can find someone better, let this witch go.

 

So when you're in a relationship, you're cool with your girlfriend posting on dating sites and looking for a new boyfriend while pretending to be in a happy relationship with you? Huh..you must be really progressive. I would definitely not be cool if I caught my boyfriend doing that..he would be out on his ear in about 5 seconds.

 

It's definitely, 100% cheating.

[darkmoon]

she is too young for you, she has been doing what a younger woman would do, got carried away with her anger, possibly egged on by friends, multiplying the punishment

 

she might even be spolied and only now are you seeing this

 

if this is how she handles controversy, best of luck...

Edited September 10, 2017 by darkmoon

[pumpkinpie1]

OP, you appear to be getting a lot of advice from young boys who don't know much about relationships and I get why you keep liking their posts. But the fact is..you're the jerk here. Yes, she's acting erratic and a little nuts, but she's hurt. By YOUR behavior. YOU broke her trust. YOU hurt her. YOU broke her heart.

 

You cheated on her. It's entirely up to you whether or not you want to pay the price for it or walk away..but YOU are the one in the wrong here. Not her. Either own up to your mistakes or walk away. But just know that you have absolutely earned this. You are in the wrong, 100%.

 

You sound like you're probably in your teens or early 20's so I would honestly tell you to walk away from this. But I do hope you learn from all of this. Don't post on dating sites while you're in a relationship! Don't be a cheater!

[spiderowl]

First of all, you need to think about whether you really want her back. Going on a dating site and chatting to others without her knowledge was not wise. You know that though. The question is, did you do that because you were unhappy in your relationship? If you were unhappy, do you really want her back?

 

If you do want her back, then I agree that texting and angry text exchanges do not help. It would be wise to apologise to her, say you'd like to put this right and move forward in a mature way if she is still interested in being with you. If she is, ask to meet up and let her know you won't be texting any more because that isn't going anywhere. Meeting and talking is the way to resolve this.

 

She can then decide whether she wants to meet you or not. She has been venting her anger via text and will not be happy that you've removed that option, but it is a pointless exercise for her too. If you are split, then you are split and that's that, on both sides.

 

Trust is hard to rebuild. You would need to reassure her she means a lot to you. It is best to acknowledge that your behaviour was stupid and immature but that she matters to you and you want a mature relationship with her.

[Shanex]

So when you're in a relationship, you're cool with your girlfriend posting on dating sites and looking for a new boyfriend while pretending to be in a happy relationship with you? Huh..you must be really progressive. I would definitely not be cool if I caught my boyfriend doing that..he would be out on his ear in about 5 seconds.

 

It's definitely, 100% cheating.

 

No, it isn't, as for your attempt at labbeling me as 'progrssive', I am afraid i have no idea as to what you are rambling about.

[Shanex]

OP, you appear to be getting a lot of advice from young boys who don't know much about relationships and I get why you keep liking their posts. But the fact is..you're the jerk here. Yes, she's acting erratic and a little nuts, but she's hurt. By YOUR behavior. YOU broke her trust. YOU hurt her. YOU broke her heart.

 

You cheated on her. It's entirely up to you whether or not you want to pay the price for it or walk away..but YOU are the one in the wrong here. Not her. Either own up to your mistakes or walk away. But just know that you have absolutely earned this. You are in the wrong, 100%.

 

You sound like you're probably in your teens or early 20's so I would honestly tell you to walk away from this. But I do hope you learn from all of this. Don't post on dating sites while you're in a relationship! Don't be a cheater!

 

And now you are calling me a young boy? Come on girl, I've been here and other relationship advices forums for years. You know nothing about me. settle down and get off your high horse.

Edited September 10, 2017 by Shanex

[pumpkinpie1]

No, it isn't, as for your attempt at labeling me as 'progressive', I am afraid I have no idea as to what you are rambling about.

 

So tell me..if you ever get a girlfriend and you find out that she's been posting on a dating website looking for other men (presumably because she is unsatisfied by your participation in the relationship, or because she is immature and desperate for attention from other men)..you will be ok with that? Because that's what I meant by progressive. It would take a very secure person to be ok with that. I'm afraid I haven't reached that level of confidence myself, and I don't know many people who have.

 

As for your next post..I have no idea how old you are, and I was absolutely not only referring to you, as clearly there have been other posters on this thread..but yes, you do come off as very young and extremely inexperienced. My apologies if I am mistaken but if I am, you still have a lot to learn about women and I hope you do some reading around here, as there seem to be some very intelligent people on this site..male and female..who can guide you in your endeavors moving forward.

 

Best of luck to you, I won't be engaging any further with you. Take care of yourself.

[Popsicle]

Suck it up and accept your punishment like a good wayward who wants to stay. This is your choice and you will get this for the rest of your life, so just accept it, if staying is what you want to do.

[nospam99]

Yes, she's acting erratic and a little nuts, but she's hurt. By YOUR behavior. YOU broke her trust. YOU hurt her. YOU broke her heart.

 

You cheated on her. ... Don't be a cheater!

 

I may be old (60s) and 'out of touch' but I have a problem with this. Absolutely the OP misbehaved and broke her trust. And in the absense of posts from the offended gf, I too strongly assume that she is hurt and heartbroken. BUT in my world CHEATING requires physical contact. Depending on one's threshold it could be as simple as a hand-shake at a clandestine meeting or may not 'count' unless sex occurs. Yes, he was an a--hole. And yes what he did can be assumed to be SETUP to cheat. But he didn't go far enough to even attempt to cheat. Guilty of 'conspiracy', not of perpetration.

[SevenCity]

Im starting to think I'm the one wit issues. This is the most toxic relationship I e ever been in. I think I'm so focused on trying to settle down that I've forced myself to tolerate erratic and abusive behavior. I'm feeling "old". I want more out of life.

 

Being honest with myself this person was pretty selfish throughout the relationship. One of my biggest frustrations was never feeling like a priority. I'm addition about a year ago it became a long distance relationship.

 

What you've had is a moment of clarity - listen to it. If you admit the relationship is toxic you must leave no matter what you feel about her.

 

If I told you I just poisoned your drink would you continue to consume it? Of course not.

 

I get being older and wanting to settle down but this RL would end up in divorce and more lies and drama.

 

Worse than growing old alone is being with someone who is not right for you and not opening up a space in your life for the right girl. For every minute you spend with this one you are eliminating your chances of finding someone good for you.

 

25 is also way too young (as evident by her behavior). You would be best served by a girl who is 30 or so. I read here a few times that below the age of 27 the brain is still forming and not fully mature. It makes a lot of sense.

 

Find a girl who makes you a priority and is generous. They are out there.

[pumpkinpie1]

I may be old (60s) and 'out of touch' but I have a problem with this. Absolutely the OP misbehaved and broke her trust. And in the absense of posts from the offended gf, I too strongly assume that she is hurt and heartbroken. BUT in my world CHEATING requires physical contact. Depending on one's threshold it could be as simple as a hand-shake at a clandestine meeting or may not 'count' unless sex occurs. Yes, he was an a--hole. And yes what he did can be assumed to be SETUP to cheat. But he didn't go far enough to even attempt to cheat. Guilty of 'conspiracy', not of perpetration.

 

To me, posting on a dating site with the intent to cheat is emotional cheating. The internet has created many new opportunities for people to get their rocks off without physical contact but that doesn't make it any less painful for the significant other.

 

Times have changed, and so has the definition of cheating.

[Shanex]

I may be old (60s) and 'out of touch' but I have a problem with this. Absolutely the OP misbehaved and broke her trust. And in the absense of posts from the offended gf, I too strongly assume that she is hurt and heartbroken. BUT in my world CHEATING requires physical contact. Depending on one's threshold it could be as simple as a hand-shake at a clandestine meeting or may not 'count' unless sex occurs. Yes, he was an a--hole. And yes what he did can be assumed to be SETUP to cheat. But he didn't go far enough to even attempt to cheat. Guilty of 'conspiracy', not of perpetration.

 

Good response.

[Bufo]

I'm not licensed psychiatrist or psychologist, so factor that into your evaluation of these comments....

 

Is it possible that your perusal of internet dating sites was more than

Acting out on a supposed academic research project? Since it wasn't a

Porn site it wasn't for sexual titilitation. Ask yourself to truthfully answer why you were there. Introspection time!

 

Have you read the term "exit affair"? You had no intention of meeting someone from the dating site. But did you and I omit the word "unless" and a following phrase from that sentence? Again, introspection time.

 

New topic. Are you in the "good Beta Boy" role with her?

No criticism. BTDT myself. But she goes ballistic if you don't immediately return her irraticly-spaces text messages? What else do you do to coddle this

Princess? Maybe there is a reason for the first hints of

Thinking about straying/leaving via internet site or otherwise .

 

Is your gf named Helen by any chance? As in Mount St. Helen?

Can you live long term with someone with a hair trigger temper?

 

Just some random thoughts.