The Success of an Ex.

[TheUnthoughtKnown]

I just stupidly Googled my ex.

 

We haven't spoken in ten years; since we were teens. She came from a well off family and I was a typical working class kid. It didn't work out. I thought she was spoiled and entitled. She went to a public school, great education. I left school when I was 16, meanwhile. After that initial honeymoon phase, after the rose tint wore away, we just argued. We were incompatible, I figured.

 

I got caught down the rabbit hole. Started thinking about the years that have gone by and how I never measured up to the aspirations I had as a teen. Then I wondered about her, quite out of the blue. I thought I may as well see what she's been up to.

 

She is very successful now. She lives in America, she attended an Ivy League school, she actually is working in the field that I was interested in. She seems to be very successful.

 

I can't sleep. Right now I feel like I won't sleep for a long time. My mind is on fire at the moment - I can't quite grasp what I've read. For some reason the shock of her success has really affected me. I knew she would be successful, but this? What's worse is the information I didn't get - I've been left to fill in the blanks and they just make me feel worse. But I don't know why I feel like this. I'm still sitting with the emotion. I haven't really unpacked it yet. I'm just trying to figure out why I feel so angry, so depressed, so despondent.

 

And as each moment passes I unearth a new memory of her, and contrast it with the person I imagine she must be now. I think of Ivy League and I think of geniuses. But she was never the smartest. She always struck me as lacking self-awareness.

 

It has been ten years since we spoke. She was my first romance, but still...she is not indicative of the life I have now. In fact the life I lived when I knew her doesn't feel like mine, but rather someone else's entirely. So much has changed since then.

 

I am imagining what she would think if she saw me now. Working in a call centre. Minimum wage. Barely making ends meet. I feel like she would laugh. Or pity me, even. I don't know which is worse.

 

I think that's part of the reason I reacted, too. I saw the privilege she was born into - wealthy family who threw money at her and gave her the best education possible - and felt jealousy; that I would never achieve what she will in life, because I am simply not as good as her.

 

And now I feel worse than I have in a while. I wish I could go back an hour in time and slap myself hard across the face for even thinking about Googling her. I'm such an idiot. I knew it would hurt. I knew it was a bad idea, even as I was typing her name in to the search box. I knew I would regret it. Why the hell was I so stupid?

 

My therapist is going to have a field day with this one...

[todreaminblue]

you could try to be happy for her......you have no idea how her life might have been before her success...her losses her trials her angst her confusion her effort her doubts her self insecurities her sleepless nights....because anyone who has had success...faces some or all fo these things.....its just the way it is....having wealth isnt iconic to success.....

 

you think you have failed...when you are gainfully employed.....hmm...i wonder how many men who struggle to find a job would consider you a success...check out the unemployment statistics in your area......and then you may feel happy that someone has "failed" more than you or

 

you could try to be happy for her.....as people who have less than you do might be happy for you to be employed even though...they are not.....its what i try to remember as i face my own trials and think how come not me.....why cant i be normal like everyone else.....why do i type with stupid ellipses..why am i surrounded by drama.....why cant i just be normal.....why god why..and then this little voice whispers to me.....what is normal......

 

 

and i dont know what normal is......so i guess until i do i should try to be happy with what i am who i am and where i intend to go.....and certainly not judge others along the way as normal when i dont know their story...ill be happy for them and for me and hope i get the same back if i ever were to succeed at something ...i hope people would be happy for me.....because i have done some hard yards......i know the course....and ill BE happy for them..and i dont regard success in wealth..never have never will..i think its actually at times...something that can drag you down to hell...you cant take wealth with you when you die you can however take happiness..you can take an infinite amount of joy from yur life you live now.....god planned ti that way...its in the small overlooked things you dont count or sometimes easy to overlook...you can find limitless joy in the small...........i describe success as being happy with what you have....not what you dont have

 

so BE HAPPY

 

YOU THEN ARE and will be A SUCCESS..deb

Edited August 27, 2017 by todreaminblue

[TheUnthoughtKnown]

I should be happy for her. Of course I should. I cared deeply about her once.

 

Part of my anger also stems from my disappointment in myself for having this reaction. Yes, I am jealous. Yes, I do believe she has had an easier life than me. Yes, a part of me seems to hate her for that. And yes, a bigger part of me hates me for that.

 

I don't know if I'm angry at her (why should I be? What has she done?) or angry at myself, for not living up to those dreams I had, the same way she seems to be living up to the dreams she had. She is now just a mirror reflecting my failures back at me. She reminds me of the quixotic kid I was. No direction. No mast. No compass. Just drifting...

 

I'm worried at how fragile I feel at such an inconsequential thing. Her life is none of my business, yet here I am. It has affected me so strongly. I don't know how to be a stronger person, a more confident person. I don't know how to avoid this ever happening to me again. I never again want to feel like I do right now.

[Springsummer]

I should be happy for her. Of course I should. I cared deeply about her once.

 

Part of my anger also stems from my disappointment in myself for having this reaction. Yes, I am jealous. Yes, I do believe she has had an easier life than me. Yes, a part of me seems to hate her for that. And yes, a bigger part of me hates me for that.

 

I don't know if I'm angry at her (why should I be? What has she done?) or angry at myself, for not living up to those dreams I had, the same way she seems to be living up to the dreams she had. She is now just a mirror reflecting my failures back at me. She reminds me of the quixotic kid I was. No direction. No mast. No compass. Just drifting...

 

I'm worried at how fragile I feel at such an inconsequential thing. Her life is none of my business, yet here I am. It has affected me so strongly. I don't know how to be a stronger person, a more confident person. I don't know how to avoid this ever happening to me again. I never again want to feel like I do right now.

 

Good news is that you are still young.

 

there is nothing stopping you, except you.

[TheUnthoughtKnown]

Good news is that you are still young.

 

there is nothing stopping you, except you.

 

Not as young as I was. Not as young as I'll ever be again...

 

Believe me, I am the biggest roadblock I have ever faced in my life. If I could only get out of my own way I might actually do something...

[Cookiesandough]

Stop googling that stuff

[Blanco]

I remember years ago feeling a bit despondent as it seemed like my most recent ex and I were going down divergent paths in life.

 

We had been split for maybe a year at that point, but I was still having difficulty letting go of the tentative post-graduation plans we'd made during the relationship. She had spent a lot of that time apart laying the foundation to follow through on the aspects of the plans that didn't involve me, while I moped around, struggling to get my bearings.

 

Wanting to save some money, I made the tough decision to move back home after graduating. My ex, on the other hand, was off to her new life in another part of the country; something that had, at one time, involved me.

 

I still vividly remember the night, laying in bed, looking at the ceiling of "my" room, in a home that wasn't mine, resting up to rise early the next morning for a minimum wage job, being unable to fall asleep. I grabbed my phone, opened up Facebook, and saw it: My ex posting that she'd landed a "real" full-time job in "our" industry, mere weeks after arriving in her new city.

 

I was happy for her, but I'll never forget how different my life seemed from hers at that moment, and how just a year before, we had planned for it to be "our" life.

 

The upshot is that I forced myself past the petty feelings, and felt happy for her. She was deserving of this, after all.

 

That was some time ago, and while it would've been easy to immerse myself in the bitterness, I resisted. It was still several years before I could feel completely and unquestionably happy for her accomplishments. But the day did come, and she's now one of my closer friends. Our successes are still quite contrasting, but even then, I'm still able to feel proud of her.

 

I don't know if that helps your situation at all, but I guess my point is, we cannot let the success or good fortunes of others marginalize our own lives.

[Hoosfoos]

You have helped me. If ever I feel pangs of curiosity that make me want to check up on my ex, your post encapsulates exactly why it is the last thing that I should do. You sound like a decent and intelligent person. I hope you get your life back on track.

[Springsummer]

Thank you for introducing me to the new word "Quixotic". I think it describes me pretty well.

[LivingWaterPlease]

TheUnthoughtKnown - When my husband and I had been out of college for about ten years he was quite settled into a great professional career he had trained for as were most of our friends.

 

Yet one of our friends was having trouble getting launched. Not sure what the problem was but whatever he trained for hadn't worked out. Or he may have dropped out of school. He was in his thirties, married and had a child. However, he decided to go back to school to become a dentist. He had to go to college to take courses to qualify for dental school and it was a long haul. But, he did it and became a successful dentist.

 

He had the choice to either continue to do little or to dig in, take life by the horns and accomplish his goals. Most of his friends were way ahead of him in life as it pertains to a career but he caught up and now is right alongside everyone else.

 

You could do this. Especially since you don't have a wife or children.

 

When my son had graduated from college he was trying to decide whether to continue with school or not and I told him, four years will be here whether you get that postgraduate degree or not. Might as well have the degree.

 

And that's what I say to you, TheUnthoughtKnown! You have a very good mind; you write very well, way better than average and you have a lot of depth. Why don't you get back in school? You could do like my son did and work a low paying job during the day and go to school at night. Five, ten years is going to be here whether you do it or not. But, if you do it at the end of that time you'll be so glad you did!

 

Your minimum wage job is just enough to keep you going while you work to obtain a degree that will take you the places you want to go! I encourage you to go for it!

[samspruce]

Bro,

 

Who cares what she is up to.

 

You have your life - anything is possible. Be grateful for what you have in this moment. Use her success as motivation if you can ('revenge' or whatever).

 

Your call center job ain't forever, you know this.

 

Plus, we will all die eventually anyways - and none of that **** will mean anything.

 

And let me tell you, you have no idea the struggles or suffering she endured or still endures.

 

What I mean is, just because she has 'success' does not mean she is happy. Focus on your own experience of life.

 

This does not deserve your (un)happiness any longer.

 

Good luck and Godspeed homie

Edited September 5, 2017 by samspruce

[samspruce]

Not as young as I was. Not as young as I'll ever be again...

 

Believe me, I am the biggest roadblock I have ever faced in my life. If I could only get out of my own way I might actually do something...

 

Then GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY.

 

Admit it, you like this! You like feeling despondent, or whatever. You enjoy it!

 

Otherwise you would have built confidence by now.

 

Look, you can have whatever you want dude. One step at a time. One thought at a time. Age don't mean a thing anyways, just another imaginary construct and the baggage that comes along with it.

 

What are you afraid of? If you try, you will fail? Nobody gives a **** about you. So get out there and show yourself who you really are.

 

Tell me: what is it that you really want?

 

Tell me.

Edited September 5, 2017 by samspruce

[Larryville]

you could try to be happy for her....

 

I’m quite a bit older so my exes include not just ex-wives but some I dated even briefly and many I don’t have to Google I know what they are doing and that are doing very well but I would expect that out of all of them and I could not be happier for them because they were just good people.

 

Man if you are doing this kind of worry at your age (I’m assuming you are pre 30 something) you have a long life ahead of you.

[spiderowl]

I can understand what you mean. It sounds like you are feeling stuck and frustrated with life at the moment. Like many of us, you had dreams and probably for practical reasons and lack of opportunity they didn't work out. It is not your fault. People with connections and money do have more opportunities. It's just a fact.

 

"born into - wealthy family who threw money at her and gave her the best education possible - and felt jealousy; that I would never achieve what she will in life, because I am simply not as good as her." The bolded bit is where you are making an error of reasoning. She has had advantages. The fact that you haven't achieved whatever she has is not because you are not as good as her. Who said that was anything to do with it? Given money and contacts, you would have been able to fill the quiet patches in your life with more specialised training courses or travel. These would have provided further opportunities. I know in theory some can 'make it' without any advantages. Some can, but most of us muddle along and have to put basic survival and paying the bills first. Opportunity passes us by in the meantime.

 

She is not better than you so don't do yourself down like this. You just both got dealt different hands in life. Be proud of surviving and coping. Could she have done the same if dealt your hand?

[samspruce]

I can understand what you mean. It sounds like you are feeling stuck and frustrated with life at the moment. Like many of us, you had dreams and probably for practical reasons and lack of opportunity they didn't work out. It is not your fault. People with connections and money do have more opportunities. It's just a fact.

 

"born into - wealthy family who threw money at her and gave her the best education possible - and felt jealousy; that I would never achieve what she will in life, because I am simply not as good as her." The bolded bit is where you are making an error of reasoning. She has had advantages. The fact that you haven't achieved whatever she has is not because you are not as good as her. Who said that was anything to do with it? Given money and contacts, you would have been able to fill the quiet patches in your life with more specialised training courses or travel. These would have provided further opportunities. I know in theory some can 'make it' without any advantages. Some can, but most of us muddle along and have to put basic survival and paying the bills first. Opportunity passes us by in the meantime.

 

She is not better than you so don't do yourself down like this. You just both got dealt different hands in life. Be proud of surviving and coping. Could she have done the same if dealt your hand?

 

I would also add:

 

What if your not meant to achieve what she will.

 

What I mean is:

 

What if your joy comes from something you never knew existed.

 

We all have goals, and pursue them, with every ounce of your heart and mind.

 

Massive action, massive presence.

 

If you don't know what you want, get out there and find out.

 

Do you have social anxiety? Start approaching women, just for the **** of it. Beat that fear. A whole new world opens up.

 

I guess a bigger question is: why do you even care about her, anyways?

 

If you had a new girl in your life, that you loved, would this even ****ing matter lol?

[Imajerk17]

A couple of thoughts:

 

1. Being successful professionally after graduating from a great school doesn't mean a person has life all figured out. Not by a long shot. There are plenty of people who have these things who are lost and unhappy too.

 

2. I do see where the others who say to be happy for her are coming from, but I get it, it is hard to feel "left behind". The big problem as I see it is that you aren't happy with how your life is turning out. Hearing about your ex is just a wake-up call. This means you need to do what you can to change.

Edited September 5, 2017 by Imajerk17

[sandylee1]

Serious question....

Would you have felt better if you found out she fell into a life of addiction and has been in and out of rehab?

[Buriall]

I think it all comes down to this: what would you like to do if money were no object? How would you really enjoy spending your life?

 

Find out what you REALLY want to do in life. Lets assume you've done that, forget the money, because, if you say that getting the money is the most important thing, you will spend your life completely wasting your time. As they say "be careful what you wish for, you might just get that"

 

Economical success isn't the solution. There are many successful people monetary success that is, but they are obsuletly miserable no matter how much they have they are just not happy..

[Eternal Sunshine]

OP, you sound articulate and intelligent. You can study and get any career you want. You don't have to settle for the call center.

 

I always pushed myself hard and now whenever I feel down, I google my exes. I am more successful than any of them

 

I am an immigrant and my parents never had much money. In fact, when we immigrated, they had to borrow money for the plane tickets. Do don't use her privileged background as an excuse.

[Springsummer]

OP, you sound articulate and intelligent. You can study and get any career you want. You don't have to settle for the call center.

 

I always pushed myself hard and now whenever I feel down, I google my exes. I am more successful than any of them

 

I am an immigrant and my parents never had much money. In fact, when we immigrated, they had to borrow money for the plane tickets. Do don't use her privileged background as an excuse.

 

damn google, facebook and linkedin...pressure...

 

Life is a current, either we fight against it or wash away by it...guess I just can't be lazy.

Edited September 29, 2017 by Springsummer