Rejection

[Bastile]

Let's talk about it properly.

 

One of the reoccurring themes brought up to me by guys in my real life over the last few years has been from has been a "how did you manage to pull that?" sort of thing (how flattering ).

 

My simple reply would be a question to cut the crap: "how many times have you been rejected in the last month? And I don't mean on dating sites; I mean speaking to a human being in real time and getting turned down?". To which, the answer would inevitably be "none". Or maybe "once".

 

This thread will be a reminder to keep getting myself rejected over the next few weeks. A reminder not to slip back into a comfort zone.

 

I'll return sporadically with some updates of dismissals from the women folk (not too often, because I don't want to feel pressured). I'll also add some miscellaneous thoughts concerning rejection, and hopefully/maybe read some interesting thoughts of others.

[ZA Dater]

My question is, how many people are you meeting in a month and what are your criteria?

Edited August 29, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of starting post

[CptInsano]

My question is, how many people are you meeting in a month and what are your criteria?

 

And with what intentions is the OP approaching these women? While I agree with the underlying idea that you will not gain anything without risking something, actual numbers will vary greatly with what you are looking for and how you go about it.

[guy45]

Wait so your goal is to get rejected?

[CptInsano]

Wait so your goal is to get rejected?

 

No pain, no gain. The OP was just unecessarily verbose.

[Bastile]

Wait so your goal is to get rejected?

 

No, it's just the topic of this thread. And an inevitability.

 

If you want success stories, this won't be the place. This is about the groundwork to have success.

 

Hard to say what it's going to be like, actually. Maybe angry, thoughtful, joking, etc. This stuff isn't predictable

 

But it's going to get help me get over the hump of the next few weeks

[Bastile]

My question is, how many people are you meeting in a month and what are your criteria?

 

I've been struggling to set and stick to a routine. Makes me not want to do it, because it feels like work.

 

I was thinking 20 a week, then one a day, or loads of different things.

 

I have settled on just going out on a tear up whenever I feel the random inclination. Do the occasional sporadic approach here and there too.

 

My criteria is hot girls. Obviously.

[Bastile]

I will be approaching later today. And I would prefer that this thread be more about looking forwards, than backwards. I remember the Charles Bukowski quote: "if you can't write the next line, then you are already dead".

 

But sod it. I woke up early, and I'm bored. Feel like talking about an interesting rejection that I got last week.

 

I was walking around looking for someone to approach, and trying to settle my nerves, when I saw an attractive Spanish looking girl coming out of a supermarket and walking towards me.

 

Not sure why, but I got right in front of her to stop her. Think I felt like I just needed something to happen. Best not to think too much sometimes and just do it instead.

 

It went well early. She was the sort of girl that isn't easily intimidated, and I enjoy that. Some girls are shy and bashful - and it's cute. Some girls are very comfortable with sexual tension/attention - and thrive on it. This was the latter.

 

Interestingly, she tried to steer or lead the conversation. Maybe that's my own rustiness which allowed for it also. But It shortly became clear that she was trying to friendzone me

 

She kept trying to move the conversation to parties, social-circles, and the like. I'm quite sure that she was looking for a connection to these sorts of things. Seeing what I could do for her. I kept moving it back to a man/woman vibe.

 

Most interesting part came at the close. I always close strong, and always have. I say "I've got to go, but another time, I'd really like to take you out for a coffee". No ambiguity in that. She starts thinking about it so much that I have to follow up to get a response: "would you like that?", and I can see the cogs whirring in her head. Finally she says: "I have a boyfriend".

 

Now I've had my fair share of boyfriend rejections, and I think this one was complete BS. My thinking is that she was trying to find some use for me as an orbiter, and realized on the close that it wasn't going to happen.

 

Interesting to hear what you guys think too.

 

It's so important to escalate properly, because it filters out the time-wasters and users. I'm 100% sure that I could have gotten that girls number, if I'd have used some sort of social value. Such as: "there's this house party in a month", or whatever. And how many times do we see guys coming here with these sorts of problems, and I've said "escalate".

 

Got to escalate, and force women into compliance tests to find their real interest level. The fear of rejection stops guys from doing that, I think. But better to be rejected straight in 5 minutes, than suffer weeks of tomfoolery.

 

Maybe my vibe is softening too much. But I'll put this one down as a one off for now.

Edited August 29, 2017 by Bastile

[shoplocal]

This sounds predatory, yuck.

[Bastile]

This sounds predatory, yuck.

 

If asking an attractive woman whether she'd like coffee with me is "predatory", then I'll gladly assume the role of "the predator".

 

Thanks for your insight.

[Imajerk17]

I will be approaching later today. And I would prefer that this thread be more about looking forwards, than backwards. I remember the Charles Bukowski quote: "if you can't write the next line, then you are already dead".

 

But sod it. I woke up early, and I'm bored. Feel like talking about an interesting rejection that I got last week.

 

I was walking around looking for someone to approach, and trying to settle my nerves, when I saw an attractive Spanish looking girl coming out of a supermarket and walking towards me.

 

Not sure why, but I got right in front of her to stop her. Think I felt like I just needed something to happen. Best not to think too much sometimes and just do it instead.

 

It went well early. She was the sort of girl that isn't easily intimidated, and I enjoy that. Some girls are shy and bashful - and it's cute. Some girls are very comfortable with sexual tension/attention - and thrive on it. This was the latter.

 

Interestingly, she tried to steer or lead the conversation. Maybe that's my own rustiness which allowed for it also. But It shortly became clear that she was trying to friendzone me

 

She kept trying to move the conversation to parties, social-circles, and the like. I'm quite sure that she was looking for a connection to these sorts of things. Seeing what I could do for her. I kept moving it back to a man/woman vibe.

 

Most interesting part came at the close. I always close strong, and always have. I say "I've got to go, but another time, I'd really like to take you out for a coffee". No ambiguity in that. She starts thinking about it so much that I have to follow up to get a response: "would you like that?", and I can see the cogs whirring in her head. Finally she says: "I have a boyfriend".

 

Now I've had my fair share of boyfriend rejections, and I think this one was complete BS. My thinking is that she was trying to find some use for me as an orbiter, and realized on the close that it wasn't going to happen.

 

Interesting to hear what you guys think too.

 

It's so important to escalate properly, because it filters out the time-wasters and users. I'm 100% sure that I could have gotten that girls number, if I'd have used some sort of social value. Such as: "there's this house party in a month", or whatever. And how many times do we see guys coming here with these sorts of problems, and I've said "escalate".

 

Got to escalate, and force women into compliance tests to find their real interest level. The fear of rejection stops guys from doing that, I think. But better to be rejected straight in 5 minutes, than suffer weeks of tomfoolery.

 

Maybe my vibe is softening too much. But I'll put this one down as a one off for now.

 

Bastile, are you a PUA?

 

Many PUAs are big into this--overcoming shvit tests and objections, moving things forward when she isn't giving much to work with. And from this write-up, it sounds like you are too.

 

You also use a lot of Community jargon--escalate, compliance tests, ect.

 

The end result of this though is that many PUAs either end up not screening the girl properly, or they end up weirding the girl out by coming on too intense. I suspect you did both here. If she really is a user then why would you want to "take her out for coffee" anyway. The reality is that you don't need to push so hard.

 

I mean think about it. You're single and looking. Would YOU turn down a date with a cool, attractive girl who seems normal and sane? Chances are you'd be turned off if the woman was coming on too strong though. It's kind of the same with women. I mean, they ARE more concerned with their safety, but, women still have accepted dates via cold-approach.

 

Anyway that is my thought reading this. You might have had better luck not coming on so strong after stopping her (which was a ballsy move btw). You already showed you have guts now you can chill. Or with this particular one, maybe not, she may have an ex she is talking to or someone she really wants to get with. You don't know. She is a stranger.

Edited August 29, 2017 by Imajerk17

[carhill]

Let's talk about it properly.

I reject that premise

 

One of the reoccurring themes brought up to me by guys in my real life over the last few years has been from has been a "how did you manage to pull that?" sort of thing (how flattering ).

By 'pull' I presume they're assessing the social status of your dating partner, yes?

 

My simple reply would be a question to cut the crap: "how many times have you been rejected in the last month? And I don't mean on dating sites; I mean speaking to a human being in real time and getting turned down?". To which, the answer would inevitably be "none". Or maybe "once".

That's a good question, and relevant. There's nothing like face-to-face rejection to give a man the steely-eyed resolve to mate with vigor. I remember those years well. There really was no other way to date back then. It was all social activities or business. My experiences were mixed between the two. My average rate was one to two rejections a month from age 19 to my early 30's. I was successful one time dating a lady I met at a wedding and another who was a client of a male friend's wife, so I guess a personal introduction.

 

This thread will be a reminder to keep getting myself rejected over the next few weeks. A reminder not to slip back into a comfort zone.

Yeah, it's a numbers game. My remembrance was it was hard to meet actual single people, much less meet single people I found attractive. Over time, my definition of 'attractive' changed to 'single'

I'll return sporadically with some updates of dismissals from the women folk (not too often, because I don't want to feel pressured). I'll also add some miscellaneous thoughts concerning rejection, and hopefully/maybe read some interesting thoughts of others.

 

Cool, it's nice to hear how other folks are faring out there. I had briefly considered facing rejection again recently but after talking with the lady in person and witnessing her running over her son's foot with her car during a disagreement in the street, I reconsidered

 

TBH, what later became the commercial internet was a boon to my dating life, though it did mean hitting the road. As example, the lady I ended up marrying I'd never have met if not for the then-new medium of 'online dating'. She lived 60 miles away. That was typical, actually close by compared to others.

 

Good luck in your pursuits!

[CptInsano]

She kept trying to move the conversation to parties, social-circles, and the like. I'm quite sure that she was looking for a connection to these sorts of things. Seeing what I could do for her. I kept moving it back to a man/woman vibe.

 

I normally just bait her at this point, mentioning a connection, a company I worked for, or something else she might be interested in. If she takes the bait I don't bother at all, I simply disengage, as I'm not interested in her motivation to take advantage of the situation. I've literally just walked away at times.

[urbanlegend11111]

shoplocal is creeped out by your insincere approach toward women. You are seeking validation from other men by demonstrating how many women you can sleep with or how hot of a girl you can get. This is shallow but more importantly, it demonstrates your extreme investment in what others think of you. You will never get a girl who is high quality using your fake tactics as they will either see right through it our will leave you shortly after your strategy collides with reality. Your game may work on insecure women or ones that are just as needy as you seeking the same validation. These relationships will never be meaningful. If you ever want to experience joy, love or passion, you need to be true to yourself and attract women with honesty and your true identity. Once you can do this, you will be truly confident in yourself and high quality women will gravitate to you.

[Bastile]

My time management skills have been piss poor lately. I have an important job interview looming, been approaching girls, messaging girls, had a family problem, and it's been manic.

 

Had a lot of sensory overload. But, I I've had a breakthrough today.

 

It's taken dozens of rejections, but I'm starting to get my mojo back. The interactions have been getting more and more fun. The blowouts don't sting so much. And my energy has gone from ennui to buzzing about the whole thing.

 

I even had random conversations with a good 10 or so strangers today just for fun. Haven't done that in ages.

 

It's clear to me that women pull good positive things out of men. And that in approaching women, we get in touch with more positive aspects of ourselves. This is the spiritual element that I've been lacking in the last few weeks. And that is why it's felt like such a grind.

 

...but I had to go through some sh*t to get there.

 

I'm going back out tomorrow and then I'm going to update here over the weekend with a lot of different interactions that I've had. Might just make one big update each week, to keep things orderly.

 

I'll spare a thought for all of the guys going out on a Friday night trying to get some action, paying to get admission to speak to a limited amount of women in the club, who are in abundance, who have their fat friend with them, who have multiple men vying for their attention, who expect drinks bought for them, who are drunk and lairy - all whilst listening to awful music.

 

The world is mine

[Bastile]

Bastile, are you a PUA?

 

Many PUAs are big into this--overcoming shvit tests and objections, moving things forward when she isn't giving much to work with. And from this write-up, it sounds like you are too.

 

You also use a lot of Community jargon--escalate, compliance tests, ect.

 

The end result of this though is that many PUAs either end up not screening the girl properly, or they end up weirding the girl out by coming on too intense. I suspect you did both here. If she really is a user then why would you want to "take her out for coffee" anyway. The reality is that you don't need to push so hard.

 

I mean think about it. You're single and looking. Would YOU turn down a date with a cool, attractive girl who seems normal and sane? Chances are you'd be turned off if the woman was coming on too strong though. It's kind of the same with women. I mean, they ARE more concerned with their safety, but, women still have accepted dates via cold-approach.

 

Anyway that is my thought reading this. You might have had better luck not coming on so strong after stopping her (which was a ballsy move btw). You already showed you have guts now you can chill. Or with this particular one, maybe not, she may have an ex she is talking to or someone she really wants to get with. You don't know. She is a stranger.

 

That's a terrible slander! I'm just a guy trying to navigate this scene.

 

"Not screening the girl properly". Mate, last year I had a girlfriend who I didn't even realize was a practicing bisexual for over half a year. You can think that you are clever and screening people, but it takes time to properly know someone - there's no getting around that.

 

What I know in five minutes is that she's fit, there's chemistry, and I want to climb on top of her. That's enough to want a date.

 

As for dating a user, all women have orbiters. I've long accepted that, and it doesn't bother me. As long as I'm not one

 

You are right though, I was pushing things. But just telling me "don't push things" wouldn't have stopped me pushing things

 

Had to push things to get comfortable doing this again. If you catch my drift? And I'm starting to settle and enjoy this again.

 

 

Good luck in your pursuits!

 

Thanks mate.

 

And you are right, a lot of women are already taken. What I find interesting about that is how women almost always wait until I'm trying to get their number to disclose it. Regardless of how light or heavy the flirting. Few cut it off before escalation.

[Bastile]

I normally just bait her at this point, mentioning a connection, a company I worked for, or something else she might be interested in. If she takes the bait I don't bother at all, I simply disengage, as I'm not interested in her motivation to take advantage of the situation. I've literally just walked away at times.

 

I know what you mean. And I've thought about this often myself.

 

Reason why my MO is usually still to go for it is because there is little to lose. I'm unlikely to see the same girl twice.

 

And you never quite know until you try sometimes.

 

shoplocal is creeped out by your insincere approach toward women. You are seeking validation from other men by demonstrating how many women you can sleep with or how hot of a girl you can get. This is shallow but more importantly, it demonstrates your extreme investment in what others think of you. You will never get a girl who is high quality using your fake tactics as they will either see right through it our will leave you shortly after your strategy collides with reality. Your game may work on insecure women or ones that are just as needy as you seeking the same validation. These relationships will never be meaningful. If you ever want to experience joy, love or passion, you need to be true to yourself and attract women with honesty and your true identity. Once you can do this, you will be truly confident in yourself and high quality women will gravitate to you.

 

Someone sounds a little bit jealous!

 

 

I was at a bar drinking with some girl years ago. I remember some dude sat on the other side of her and offered to buy her a drink. Before I could even feel a flash of anger over this dude trying to hit on a girl sitting with me, she turned to him with a deadpan expression, and just laughed mirthlessly in his face. The guy stood up with a sad puppy look on his face and just walked away. Then she just turned back to me like it never happened. That was the harshest rejection I have ever seen. I felt bad for the guy.

 

If he's going to hit on other men's women, then he should get a thicker skin for harsher rejections.

 

I don't do that. I haven't even been hitting on girls when they are with their mum, or their friends.

 

That to me is like holding a crucifix up to a vampire.

Edited August 31, 2017 by Bastile

[Imajerk17]

That's a terrible slander! I'm just a guy trying to navigate this scene.

 

"Not screening the girl properly". Mate, last year I had a girlfriend who I didn't even realize was a practicing bisexual for over half a year. You can think that you are clever and screening people, but it takes time to properly know someone - there's no getting around that.

 

What I know in five minutes is that she's fit, there's chemistry, and I want to climb on top of her. That's enough to want a date.

 

As for dating a user, all women have orbiters. I've long accepted that, and it doesn't bother me. As long as I'm not one

 

You are right though, I was pushing things. But just telling me "don't push things" wouldn't have stopped me pushing things

 

Had to push things to get comfortable doing this again. If you catch my drift? And I'm starting to settle and enjoy this again.

Aren't ALL women bisexuals at some point though

 

Yes indeed, it takes a while to truly get to know someone.

 

That's cool that you are putting yourself out there. That said, for me to accept wanting to see someone again, there has to be attraction on my part but there also has to be interest on her part too. I have to sense that she is feeling something too. An interaction with a girl who has enough interest won't just be shvit test after shvit test with who do I know and how connected am I (or how prestigious is my job or much money do I make, ect). At some point it has to move beyond that. There will be some attempt on her part to get to impress me and know me beyond what can I do for her. Otherwise it's no bueno.

 

I mean, if SHE knows she is being difficult and isn't trying to give the guy much to work with and yet the guy is still interested, do you think she is that likely to respect the guy. Yeah, exactly.

 

Anyway, THAT is what I meant by screening the girl better. It doesn't sound like that interaction with that girl went beyond shvit tests and what you could do for her, so what would be the point in you asking for her number.

 

But as I said before Mate, I applaud your guts for stopping a girl cold. Very very few guys would have had the guts to do that. I just think you'd have more success if your approach after that more laid-back and natural, less forced.

Edited August 31, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Bastile]

Aren't ALL women bisexuals at some point though

 

Don't even get me started on that one!

 

That girl just cheated on me, basically. Then gaslighted me a lot.

 

It really is her loss. She knows it, because she has messaged me a bunch since.

 

Yes indeed, it takes a while to truly get to know someone.

 

That's cool that you are putting yourself out there. That said, for me to accept wanting to see someone again, there has to be attraction on my part but there also has to be interest on her part too. I have to sense that she is feeling something too. An interaction with a girl who has enough interest won't just be shvit test after shvit test with who do I know and how connected am I (or how prestigious is my job or much money do I make, ect). At some point it has to move beyond that. There will be some attempt on her part to get to impress me and know me beyond what can I do for her. Otherwise it's no bueno.

 

I mean, if SHE knows she is being difficult and isn't trying to give the guy much to work with and yet the guy is still interested, do you think she is that likely to respect the guy. Yeah, exactly.

 

Anyway, THAT is what I meant by screening the girl better. It doesn't sound like that interaction with that girl went beyond shvit tests and what you could do for her, so what would be the point in you asking for her number.

 

But as I said before Mate, I applaud your guts for stopping a girl cold. Very very few guys would have had the guts to do that. I just think you'd have more success if your approach after that more laid-back and natural, less forced.

 

I should point out that she was opening her shopping bag, taking stuff out merely to use as fodder for us to joke about. She was pulling her weight in a big way. The beginning was very sexual.

 

Hence my big disappointment in how that interaction turned out. (which also shows my sad-act outcome dependence at the time. I see that interaction as a good thing now. That's the difference between having good energy and bad energy).

 

There isn't really any better way to figure out interest than to escalate though.

 

It's interesting. I get a very high close rate on dates. The girls I get on dates are there for the right reasons.

[Imajerk17]

Don't even get me started on that one!

 

That girl just cheated on me, basically. Then gaslighted me a lot.

 

It really is her loss. She knows it, because she has messaged me a bunch since.

 

 

 

I should point out that she was opening her shopping bag, taking stuff out merely to use as fodder for us to joke about. She was pulling her weight in a big way. The beginning was very sexual.

 

Hence my big disappointment in how that interaction turned out. (which also shows my sad-act outcome dependence at the time. I see that interaction as a good thing now. That's the difference between having good energy and bad energy).

 

There isn't really any better way to figure out interest than to escalate though.

 

It's interesting. I get a very high close rate on dates. The girls I get on dates are there for the right reasons.

 

 

Maybe she is just weird. I mean, I think there is a tendency for guys to think that attractive women have all the power and can't do any wrong (except when they flake on us), but just as good-looking guys can have issues w social skills, so can good-looking women.

 

If you like how something is working for you then keep doing it!

Edited August 31, 2017 by Imajerk17

[ZA Dater]

My time management skills have been piss poor lately. I have an important job interview looming, been approaching girls, messaging girls, had a family problem, and it's been manic.

 

Had a lot of sensory overload. But, I I've had a breakthrough today.

 

It's taken dozens of rejections, but I'm starting to get my mojo back. The interactions have been getting more and more fun. The blowouts don't sting so much. And my energy has gone from ennui to buzzing about the whole thing.

 

I even had random conversations with a good 10 or so strangers today just for fun. Haven't done that in ages.

 

It's clear to me that women pull good positive things out of men. And that in approaching women, we get in touch with more positive aspects of ourselves. This is the spiritual element that I've been lacking in the last few weeks. And that is why it's felt like such a grind.

 

...but I had to go through some sh*t to get there.

 

I'm going back out tomorrow and then I'm going to update here over the weekend with a lot of different interactions that I've had. Might just make one big update each week, to keep things orderly.

 

I'll spare a thought for all of the guys going out on a Friday night trying to get some action, paying to get admission to speak to a limited amount of women in the club, who are in abundance, who have their fat friend with them, who have multiple men vying for their attention, who expect drinks bought for them, who are drunk and lairy - all whilst listening to awful music.

 

The world is mine

 

Big thumbs up from me! Well done, really I mean that sincerely. Getting to that point is a huge, huge leap, I hope to get there eventually!

 

 

Well done, looking forward to the update.