Failureinlove Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 My husband got so mad at me one time Out of revenge he took my toothbrush and rubbed it in his ******* and put it back for me to use it . No apologies from him , he just packed his bag and left , he's living at his parents. He even spit in my face , and poured beer on my head . He was smiling when he did it too . He told me that he would go to my workplace and spread rumours about me and ruin my job . Because I told my family that he got physical with me . And my family stays 7 seas far away , haven't seen them for 6 years now . I don't have support as much, feel lonely and very hurt . I wish I had family close at least a cousin. What are your thoughts? Is it okay for a man to treat his wife like this ? Is this a healthy revenge . He did so much damage to me and just left , he's staying at his mom and dads , they go golfing every week , he gets food he's life right now is set . Me on the other hand , loosing weight (79lbs as of today ) , stressed out , lonely and don't know what to do think say . Please help. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 What did you do to cause him to want revenge? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 Is it okay for a man to treat his wife like this ? -- NO Fing WAY! Is this a healthy revenge -- There is no such thing as HEALTHY revenge. He is an immature, controlling, abusive man and good riddance to him!!!! Find a good divorce attorney and start the proceedings. You call your family right now and tell them everything that is going on. You also go to your supervisor and human resources at your company and explain the situation right here and now. He blackmailing and trying to control you. You take back some control of the situation -- pre-empt him. You might also want to contact a battered/abused women's shelter for guidance as well. Do all of this right now! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Failureinlove Posted August 29, 2017 Author Share Posted August 29, 2017 , I don't have the money to apply for divorce, he knows that , I know I'm immature in the head too , but I would never do anything to heart his self respect and dignity. I was trying to seek some attention from him so I was playfully annoying him , he got mad !! And all of this happened. I had 28days of vacation ( worked really hard to acquire all the hours ) and I did not even go to a lake to relax , I don't drive , I walk and bus everywhere, I remember sometimes when I got upset about something , that's it he says he won't drop me to work , he'll just tell me to go , I've called in a few times when he did this to me , I am a health care worker and he is a pizza delivery person .He says he's got the best Job in the world but never empathetic toward my job . Working with complex dementia patients is no cake walk . It's a 40 mins walk from my home to the bus stop from there 20 to 30 mins by bus ( depending on traffic) then another 15 min walk from there to work . I do this every night sometimes 6 days or 5 . He would drop me to work but it depends if I'm upset or hurt about something and if he thinks it's stupid then he won't drop me to work . I have told my family , but they can't do anything! It's very expensive to fly . Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 So you just think you'll stay married to him forever and stay in contact after the way her treated you? Good grief, go get a second job and pay for the divorce! What else have you got to do? And then after he's served, go no contact and stop keeping in touch with the jerk. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Failureinlove Posted August 29, 2017 Author Share Posted August 29, 2017 Thank you for your motivation, all this advice From all you wonderful caring people means so much to me . Thank you You know the problem for me right now is , My love for him , it's stopping me from taking a drastic step , I genuinely wholeheartedly body mind and soul love this guy . And that Love is stopping me , I need to break that , I'm working towards it . Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 He abuses you. This is not real love, it's codependency. You don't love yourself, if you did, you wouldn't allow yourself to be treated like this. And because you don't love yourself, you can't love him. You are scared of change, you are scared of leaving his control, you are scared of the unknown. It's scary - but I will assure you it's better than "loving" someone who treats you worse than a dog. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 What did you do to cause him to want revenge? How can the answer to this possibly make his actions okay?? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 Thank you for your motivation, all this advice From all you wonderful caring people means so much to me . Thank you You know the problem for me right now is , My love for him , it's stopping me from taking a drastic step , I genuinely wholeheartedly body mind and soul love this guy . And that Love is stopping me , I need to break that , I'm working towards it . Sweetie, you need to take a step back, way, way back and ask yourself how you can possibly be in love with this guy. I say this all the time on these boards -- you don't love HIM. You love who you wish he could/would be. Get focused on YOU. Get a second job to pay for an attorney. I'd sleep in a box under a bridge before I would stand for one more minute of that man!!! Stop loving him and start loving yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 You know this is abusive. You know it's not right. It's not caring or loving. Not the way a spouse should be treated. You're asking us, but you already know this. Now, you have to admit it to yourself and then determine what you're going to do about it. Personally, I refuse to accept abuse. Life might be temporarily more difficult, but I'm not going to allow a person to abuse me. Will do what it takes to make sure that's known and if the behavior doesn't change will remove myself from that situation. I will not sacrifice my dignity or my self-respect for anyone. If no one on this earth stands for me, I will stand up for myself. You have to reach that point. Where you will fight for yourself ... no matter what. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 When the OP shakes off her victim mentality, she will rise to the occasion and do what needs to be done. If she can do even one tiny little thing for herself to take some of the control over this situation, she will feel a little empowered and then take another step. If she can start with one phone call to a shelter or legal aid office, she may find some more strength. Stop focusing on what he's doing to you and focus on efforts to do something for yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 You say he did this because you told your family that he got physical with you. DID he get physical with you? What did he do? Can you give a bigger picture of your marriage with him? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 He's abusive --physically & mentally. Stay at your own risk because eventually the decision to stick around is going to cost you your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 Thank you for your motivation, all this advice From all you wonderful caring people means so much to me . Thank you You know the problem for me right now is , My love for him , it's stopping me from taking a drastic step , I genuinely wholeheartedly body mind and soul love this guy . And that Love is stopping me , I need to break that , I'm working towards it . Well, he's mean and doesn't respect you at all. If you can love a jerk like that, hon, you can love someone who'll treat you better. Love isn't something that you can only get between you two. Love is yours to give. You get to take love with you when you go. And he doesn't sound like he has it. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 That all depends. The OP pretty much made this question relevant when she said that her husband did bad things to her out of revenge. While I do not condone her husband's actions, context is important. While I do not condone this guy's actions here and those actions do indicate a very immature and abusive way of dealing with issues in a relationship and she should leave him, I do agree that knowing whether or not the OP shares responsibility for the situation surrounding all this. It does take two. Posters do leave out important factors in their threads sometimes and, for a reason. If this guy was responding to an offense of hers, it may be that he just plain reached his limit of ability to control himself . . . I mean, something like he found out that she cheated on him for the 5 time or something like that. These two may just have a toxic relationship fueled by mutual behaviors . . . She needs to get out no matter what anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Failureinlove Posted September 12, 2017 Author Share Posted September 12, 2017 Hi I'm sorry I haven't been able to check all you guys post , it is a rough life for me right now ,it takes 2 to tango , I am to be blamed too , no excuses . No I haven't cheated on him , we're just 2 anger unsatisfied people whose needs are not being met . I have a temper , im very sensitive, emotional and full of feelings . I do depend a lot on my husband for my happiness, because I'm very lonely in this country and he's the only family I have here . On the other hand his family stays very close to us . And their involvement is a lot in my marriage. So much that it started making me upset stressed out . His brother is 27 years old , no girlfriend, lazy , stays with his parents still , laundry , dishes and many more is all done for him , he's completely dependent on them for everything, even his finances are controlled by us father. When we would go out ( very few times we have had alone time ) for drinks or something, he's always there present, he eats and drinks for free all the time , and I never get privacy , this makes me upset because even after telling my husband my needs are not being met it always goes unheard . It's ignored . I was so angry , and we would fight about it , but never solved it , instead the 2 started going out ever weekend , longboarding , drinking , pubs , dancing , golfing . Without me ;,( . One day he came home the next day after partying hard ( no calls no text ), it made me more angry, sad , disappointed and I would fight , and during these fights he's say leave if you want to , I don't need you anyway!! Stuff like that That hurts me so much , even now I'm in tears . His family thinks it's okay to do all this I guess , because they haven't advised their children regarding this . The brothers go out every single week . And he family is okay with it . But this is effecting me , I feel neglected, and taken for granted. My husband cancels all the vacation plans ,if I don't apologise in any argument. He'll always give me an ultimatum " apologise or else we're not going anywhere " if I say no I won't that's it he'll just cancel it and spend time with his brother and family. This effects me , and I'm left all alone crying, trying to console myself. While he's out and about with family. This has been happening every since we got married. Right now he's been staying at his parents, for almost a month no calls no communication. He took the dog as well . He has be going out clubbing and just having a blast , that's what Facebook says . It sounds silly but it effects me . But I'm finding it very very difficult to move on , I genuinely loved the guy . It's a difficult process. I need inner healing. And a friend. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 12, 2017 Share Posted September 12, 2017 You two do not need to be together, period. You should call your relatives and ask for money to go home. You are fighting a lost cause. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Springsummer Posted September 13, 2017 Share Posted September 13, 2017 He abuses you. This is not real love, it's codependency. You don't love yourself, if you did, you wouldn't allow yourself to be treated like this. And because you don't love yourself, you can't love him. You are scared of change, you are scared of leaving his control, you are scared of the unknown. It's scary - but I will assure you it's better than "loving" someone who treats you worse than a dog. yes. no chance I will love someone who doesn't love me. I am just too egoistic, I guess. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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