Who's wedding is this anyway???

[utwonderwoman]

My finance and I are trying to plan a wedding. We are both in our early thirties and neither of us have ever wanted a "wedding" per se. Our dream is to go to Italy and if it is just the two of us so be it. We would do something for our families when we get home.

 

Enter his mother - she is trying to guilt us to death about this. Tips on how to save money on a wedding here etc. What she doesn't understand - it isn't the money, it is that we don't want to spend money on a wedding. Oh and let's not forget 'devastating' and 'breaking the hearts' of grand parent's and the rest of the family. There have been tearful telephone conversations as well and we have been enaged 6 days!!! We want to start planning so we can do this as soon as possible.

 

Who's wedding is this anyway? Are we being selfish???? I need advice from someone who has been there. She is starting to make me mad. And my poor fiance is sick with guilt. What can we do?

[Outcast]

Go get married in Italy. Ask your folks to throw you a big party when you get home. You don't have to actually have a wedding to have a celebration with friends and family.

[utwonderwoman]

they disagree. this is what his mother says:

 

I just want you both to think about this some more. Grandma and grandpa will be heartbroken if they don't get to see you married - Grandpa and Grandma Johnson would have been devastated not to be included in this day. I know this is your special day - but, you would not have reached this point in your life if not for the love and support of your family. However, it is really sad to think you would not want your family to share in your wedding day. When you have children, you will understand how I feel.

[Outcast]

What a lot of parents don't get is that their job is to raise their kids to be independent human beings; that means not then placing all their own expectations on their families. These people had their own weddings and those of other family members to attend, did they not?

 

I still think parents should be licenced. Having a child so you can go to its wedding is pretty lame.

[HokeyReligions]

I can see both sides having been in a similar situation. We got married at the JP and just had a few people come to the apartment afterward for the 'reception' and trying to get that scheduled so everyone could be there was a nigthmare! I wanted my mom there, but she was planning a move to California and couldn't miss work (she worked right up until the day before we left) and his father couldn't get a day off, and my brother had to work and yadda yadda yadda. I ended up working a half day on my wedding day because I was driving mom to California and I didn't have enough time off for everything either. I finally told everyone "June 6th we are going to the JP at 2:00pm and will be back at the apartment by 4:00 and we are leaving on our honeymoon (weekend in Galveston) by 7:00pm. Be wherever you can when you can" and that was it. My mom and SIL were at the JP with us and hubby's best friend and the others showed up at the apartment by 4 (except my brother who showed up at 6:30 dressed in his overalls and red flannel shirt and beer-advertising baseball cap!)

 

I said that to say that it was important enough for my mom that she showed up when I told her it was going to be so I can understand how your parents (or your future hubby's family) can feel that they need to be a part of this. It IS something that they look forward to and want to share with you. The marriage is for YOU - the wedding is for everyone.

 

Maybe you can compromise and have a small civil ceremony at home for the family and a moretraditional wedding for yourselves in Italy.

[magda]

The marriage is for YOU - the wedding is for everyone.

Very nicely put. It's also the marraige of family, I feel. Probably the only time when most all the family and friends from both sides will be together.

[Debster]

As a newlywed, I hear you about how stressful it is planning a wedding that will make everyone happy.

However, one thing to keep in mind: the wedding is a joining of two families. If you don't try at least in some way to compromise, it could affect your future relationship with your fiance's family. A marriage is stressful enough without having to start things off on the wrong foot. It is important that your fiance does the tough love with his family and you with yours. How about doing a small wedding and then honeymooning in Italy?

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I agree with Deb. What about having a small family ceremony and make it clear that it's a compromise and that since you agreed to that, there must be no further input from family!

 

I suggested to my exH before we got married how nice it would be to go away and get hitched on a beach, even WITH our families present.

 

Well next thing ya know, I get a call from my SIL-to-be all in a panic that their mother would be heartbroken if we didn't get married in a church (yep u guessed it, they're Catholic). I told her it was just a suggestion, that we hadn't started planning anything.

 

I still don't understand the whole deal with that, but I'm glad we compromised, did the church thing and took our honeymoon cruise alone.

[utwonderwoman]

the latest in all this is I have received an email from his sister with our entire event planned for us.

 

"would be honored to be able to plan a tasteful and memorable wedding for you the weekend of the 17th of Sept. that would include the following:

 

No more than 25 guests (including you and LIsa, the count is only at 13)

Invitations

A Chapel ceremony

A luncheon reception for family

Cake

Flowers

Possible photographer (but you have to get married before mid-Sept when he goes back to school)

 

 

All this could be yours for a budget amount of $700-800 (probably less...I was aiming for 650-700), you supply the WA marriage license.

 

No decks, no living rooms, no balloons, no cheapness. You two just be here with the license and a suit and whatever Carrie would like to wear (I could even send you the pink dress you liked to see if it can be altered, it is about a size 10). You know that I can do this and would love to be able to this for you two.

 

Please consider this. I would really like to do this.

 

Hey! I could even go register for some tasteful gifts for you......that may be a bit overboard...you can do that online though at BB&Beyond, LNT, Target, Macy's, etc. You know, any chance for me to shop!"

 

 

 

I just cannot even begin to tell you how upset I am over the gall of this woman!

is it wrong for me to be so completely upset by this?

[clandestinidad]

Oh dear.......this is pretty bad, huh

 

Youre in a horrible position, and I know you feel all the weight of it. They probably think its all your fault, that you're being controlling, selfish, and whatever else they can think of.....I'm so sorry that you're dealing w/ this

 

I hope that you and your fiance can be at one in your decision....do you agree on what to do, or disagree??

 

I am just like you, I would sooo much rather go do it by ourselves (since its YOUR marriage, YOUR special intimate time, and its what YOU prefer)

 

It looks like I'll probably run into your situation if I end up marrying my boyfriend. He's starting to understand the benefits of going somewhere and doing it alone, but still thinks his parents and family would feel left out or something.

 

Anyway, I cant believe your soon-to-be-SIL did that!! Apparently they dont understand that its not about money or planning....as if youre not capable of doing it!!!

 

OH, heres an idea.......yall could NOT get and sign your marriage license by the time of this "ceremony" they plan for you, or whoever performs the ceremony wont sign off on it.....go along with it knowing that its all fake.......then correctly finish the marriage license for when you go to Italy, and actually get married.

 

I say go along with whatever they say, knowing that you're just appeasing them...they'll think very highly of you..."what a wonderful person to be so concerned about how we feel about this"......all the while planning the real thing on your own

 

And if they find out later, who the hell cares! Its your marriage, they felt good at the time, they got to see a "wedding", and ya'll got your way too

 

edit: I forgot to mention the fact that since ya'll are old enough to do so, he needs to put his mother in her place by telling her that HE"S never wanted a wedding like that. That HE"S always wanted it to be private b/n HIM and his fiance. He needs to tell her to respect what he's always wanted....and make sure he puts the 'blame' on himself so that his mother isnt confused! Give her an ultimatum.....she should back of and respect what HE wants to do or else _______

[quankanne]

while you don't want to cause any undue distress (or as little as possible), I agree with Kat -- it's YOUR ceremony, and if people get upset, tough cookies. I think it's kind of ballsy for his family to tell you how to plan your wedding (or lack there of) ... it's really none of their business what you do.

 

my two cents: I'd just go to Italy and marry as planned, then arrange to have a reception after you get back to celebrate with your friends and family. If your groom is up to it, look into repeating your vows with a JP or minister with the family watching on (my idea of a nice compromise). That way everyone gets to "see you do it" and you're not stuck with the hassle of planning a ceremony you don't want for the actual matrimony. If need be explain to all grandparents that your dream is to marry in Italy, and you hope they understand, and that you've got something planned for a family celebration. I'm sure that while they might be upset some, they'll also be more open to the idea because it's YOUR ideal wedding ...

 

other two cents: tell his mom and his sister that you appreciate their concern, but you and your guy will make the final decision and you expect that because they love him, they will respect y'alls decision even though they may not like it. You both have got to put your foot down otherwise it's going to be fodder for ill feelings that won't go away easily.

 

cripes, I can't believe his sister has the whole thing planned out, even to the point of orchestrating when you're supposed to show up!!! Just laugh it off, UTWW. Otherwise you're going to want to pop his relatives right in the kisser to alleviate your frustration, and that wouldn't be a good thing.

 

a bit of background: I've not quite been where you are, but DH and I did elope, with the understanding that once he got the annulment from his first two marriages out of the way, we'd have our marriage blessed by the church and everyone could attend that Mass if they so choose. My mom was upset, it's only now that I realize because we were so close, we could have had something else wonderful to bond over ... I feel a little guilty, but fortunately, she put those hurt feelings aside and she & my daddy welcomed DH open-armed. My main reason for eloping? I hate the idea of being in the middle of all that attention, I'd much rather just do something low-key like elope, and focus on a nice celebration afterward.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Yeah if this is a taste of what it will be like, go to Italy and get married. They won't stop.

[utwonderwoman]

If you are a maynard fan - I love ya all ready!!!

 

 

Well, I have brought up the fake thing with him already, and a ring ceremony, and everything. He isn't sure what he wants. He would rather do the blending of the honeymoon and wedding thing; but now his mother is guilting him into some teeny crap ceremony that I am sure will be exactly what we always wanted to remember our wedding as. I just shudder at the thought. Apparently she did not go to work today because she was just too upset after dealing with all this.

 

I say if they want to come to italy they most certainly can. I do not want to prevent anyone from being there. I just want to do it in Italy.

[blind_otter]

I hate when other people try to interfere in weddings. It burns my butt. My first wedding was beautiful. Picture perfect. And I hated it, I had a horrible time, everyone else felt the need to bitch at me about the food, the DJ, the other guests smoking cigarettes. I thought it was my wedding, but the gall of other people trying to tell me how to run things, actually asking me to tell people to not smoke at my wedding because it bothered THEM? It didn't even bother ME!

 

Anyways, I say go to Italy and put your G-D foot down. Otherwise you'll spend your marriage being pissed about a nagging, interfering mother in law who thinks she can bully you into doing what she wants. Calmly tell her that it's your wedding, and she wouldn't want the bride and groom to be miserable on their special day.

 

I'm getting hitched in Vegas. Screw em.

[utwonderwoman]

It seems so obvious to me that it is supposed to be our special day. we will come back and have something for the families. instead of me worrying if everything is perfect for everyone and the bride and groom having to shake hands, hug everyone, etc. shouldn't our focus be on us and our starting our life together? should we have to spend our entire wedding just being there because someone might be disappointed. neither of us want to be the center of attention either.

 

I just cannot imagine what is going through their heads.

[clandestinidad]

If you are a maynard fan - I love ya all ready!!!

 

mmhmmm....he's so talented...beautiful voice too

 

Apparently she did not go to work today because she was just too upset after dealing with all this

 

That woman needs to get a life......thats pathetic and selfish.....and thats all I can say about it right now

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by utwonderwoman

the latest in all this is I have received an email from his sister with our entire event planned for us.

 

"would be honored to be able to plan a tasteful and memorable wedding for you the weekend of the 17th of Sept. that would include the following:

 

No more than 25 guests (including you and LIsa, the count is only at 13)

Invitations

A Chapel ceremony

A luncheon reception for family

Cake

Flowers

Possible photographer (but you have to get married before mid-Sept when he goes back to school)

 

 

All this could be yours for a budget amount of $700-800 (probably less...I was aiming for 650-700), you supply the WA marriage license.

 

No decks, no living rooms, no balloons, no cheapness. You two just be here with the license and a suit and whatever Carrie would like to wear (I could even send you the pink dress you liked to see if it can be altered, it is about a size 10). You know that I can do this and would love to be able to this for you two.

 

Please consider this. I would really like to do this.

 

Hey! I could even go register for some tasteful gifts for you......that may be a bit overboard...you can do that online though at BB&Beyond, LNT, Target, Macy's, etc. You know, any chance for me to shop!"

 

 

 

I just cannot even begin to tell you how upset I am over the gall of this woman!

is it wrong for me to be so completely upset by this?

 

Grrr... "peeved" would be a mild word to describe how that would make me feel.

 

How about a nice response - something like this:

 

[color=blue]Sister,

 

Carrie and I appreciate your generous offer and we may enlist your creativity at a later point; however, Carrie - like you - has her own tastes and ideas of how she would like her wedding, and I am excited about it too and want to put my own stamp on my part of the ceremony. While neither of us want to alienate anyone, we DO want to make this wedding 'ours'. Perhaps after we have a plan and design that we want, we will ask for your help and ideas with the details, that is where your efforts would help the most. I know that you are trying to look out for our best interests and that sincere effort truly is appreciated, although somewhat frustrating for us as I'm sure you understand. Sometimes the best intentions of loved ones can overshadow the joy that Carrie and I are sharing with the planning of our wedding. [/color]

 

Or~~ You could go ahead and let her plan the whole thing and then not show up! Elope the day before!

[Outcast]

I just cannot imagine what is going through their heads.

 

Well it was bad enough when I thought that maybe you would be the only wedding in the family but they've already had one, obviously - or will!!!! Tell the SIL to save her arrangements for her own wedding and that you're sure she'll throw a bash that will satisfy everyone and then go to Italy. What nerve!!!