Lost all my living relatives in one day

[DamagedGreats]

I don't know where to start coping with this

Last week it was my estranged father's funeral, he had cancer and before that mental illness, we met 3 times in the last 30 years, I live in another country. I was preparing to meet him (it was going to be very hard so I needed mental preparation) to, you know, tell him everything was ok, his soul was going to be in peace now, that I was with him etc, but he passed away right after I booked my flight.

Two days after the funeral, my mother said something that made me connect the dots and a) it seems from what she said that she lied since two months about his conditions, which is heartbreaking as we were spending hours over the phone during all this time b) in any case she never told me: your father is dying, come over.

She was very dysfunctional when I was growing up, severely codependent to my mentally ill father (you can imagine the fun), she did quite a lot of nasty things and especially lied several times on really important things, but for the last years she agreed to go to therapy and I was looking forward to finally have a good relationship in her last years.

And now she did this. I am waiting for a paper from the hospital to confirm that she lied, and in any case the fact stays that she never suggested that it was time that I came (I was/am pretty sick myself and not thinking very straight) and doing so prevented me from closure and especially deprived a dying man of his last joy.

I don't know why she did that, and I don't want to know - she always has good excuses for the things she does, this is just unspeakable and I see her now as a dangerous person who can hurt a dying man and I don't want to know her anymore. I don't hate her, actually I feel very sad because if there is a hell she is going there, and she threw our love away with her own hands.

I used to have a favorite aunt and a good uncle, who in the last years dropped out of my life because they couldn't cope with my chronic illness. They were so disconnected from me at the funeral that I decided (I had planned that before) I don't want to know them anymore either.

I don't have friends either, living in a new-ish city, only a few long distance friends, and two also did strange things in the last months and it was over (one for example invited herself to my place while my father was dying, then after I said no decided to confront me about it the day my father died).

I don't know what is happening to me. My health is already quite bad and I feel this is the final blow my family will give me, and I am going to die soon. I never expected this to happen, in a hundred years.

In the last two years I also lost: my career (partner I never had), most of my friends, severe relapse of my illness after I moved into a house with mould, lost all my belongings (books clothes etc) to the mould, had two freak accidents that put me in bed for 3 months each. I don't understand what is happening.

Edited August 30, 2017 by DamagedGreats

[Miss Clavel]

Desiderata

 

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender

be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;

and listen to others,

even the dull and the ignorant;

they too have their story.

 

there is more to this old poem. i practically know it by heart. it can "nourish strength of spirit".

 

right now the best thing for you to do is to look after your health. take that path wherever it leads. if you can either regain your health or gain remission then you can "do the next right thing:". one day at a time.

 

sometimes god(or whatever you conceive that to be) has to just take us to the bottom, kicking and screaming, by the scruff of the neck, to get us to where we are supposed to be.

 

as for not hearing about your dad's illness until it was late, maybe she had a reason. maybe she thought you were too sick to take on any more or maybe she wanted him to herself, or she just doesn't like you.

 

it is what it is and he's gone.

 

if anyone acted cold to you perhaps they are wondering why you didn't get there sooner or they think that what ever reversals you face, health wise or financial, might be contagious.

 

people sometimes have a "herd" mentality and they figure it's best to shun the weaker members.

 

remember, there's a difference between humbling and humiliation.

 

you're humbled right not. you're down. relax, stop struggling and try to face the fact that you are where you're supposed to be, for now.

 

all the best