Boyfriend insists on seeing a female friend that I'm very uncomfortable with.

[madeinaday]

Little history into our relationship; bf was a long time bachelor, dating multiple girls at a time for 4 years until he met me and settled down into a committed relationship. Since then we clashed a lot on what's appropriate vs inappropriate in a committed relationship. For example, I think it's completely appropriate to have friends of the opposite sex while you're in a relationship, granted that the friendship is completely platonic and the s.o. is okay with it. Bf takes that a bit further however. Since the start of our relationship, I had caught him inviting a girl over to his apartment and cooking for her, while lying to me about what he was doing that night. When I caught him in the lie, he explained to me that he had lied because he thought I wouldn't be cool with the idea of him hanging out with his female friend like that, but he realizes that lying to me was wrong and promised me he'd be open about things like that from now on. Red flag of course, tried leaving him at that time but he apologized profusely and reassured me over and over again that she is just a friend and that this type of "going behind my back" will never happen again.

 

I had looked through his phone while he was sleeping (I know this was wrong but I had a very bad gut feeling), and even though there was nothing blatant between the two of them, my bf and the female friend mentioned above communicated in a way that made it seem like they were a couple. They texted each other all day everyday, telling each other about their days and I saw that my bf would send the same type of texts to her as he does to me. Confronted him about how inappropriate this is, and since then he altered his interactions with her, texting sporadically maybe once or twice a week. I was still very uncomfortable and bothered by it, but again and again he reassured me that there is nothing romantic between them, that they are really just friends. He also defended her by saying that she is not the type to pursue a guy that has a girlfriend.

 

Fast forward a month, I get another weird feeling in my gut and look through his phone again. Sure enough I see a text that suggest that she likes him, and she wants to know what his thoughts are. After that it looked like they talked on the phone so I'm not sure what was talked about, but bf reassures me that it wasn't what I thought it was.

 

At this point I'm done with feeling this way. I feel incredibly uncomfortable and disrespected, and requested bf to just cut all contact with her. He refuses by saying that he will not allow anybody to dictate who he can or cannot see, and that I'm being unreasonable since he had altered his interactions with her as per my request, but now I'm going to the extreme by telling him to just stop interacting with her period.

 

I tried to keep it short so there are obviously details missing, but this is the gist of our problem. I need some different perspectives on this. Am I really being unreasonable? Would you be okay with this?

[Imajerk17]

You are entirely justified to not be ok w the situation. Inviting someone over your place (or going over theirs) is *not* OK even if nothing physical happened (yeah right!). Part of respecting your partner is not giving the *appearance* of being unfaithful.

 

You drew your (entirely justifiable) line in the sand though, he crossed it and it sounds like he is going to keep on crossing it. I am sorry to say but the only thing you can do at this point is end this.

[basil67]

Madeinaday, his behaviour is quite inappropriate. I doubt any woman with self esteem would accept this. The only bit you've got wrong is thinking that you can control his friendship with her. He is his own man and needs to make his own decisions about what is right and wrong. As he should do. From your angle, it's simply about asking yourself whether or not your attitudes to having a relationship are compatible.

 

The one positive in all of this is that he's chosen to stand up to you. A less pleasant alternative would be to say "yes" and then do it behind your back.

 

He's made it clear to you where he stands. The ball is now in your court as to whether or not you accept it or walk away. I vote for you walking away.

[Darren Steez]

Like it or lump it.

 

Very simple.

[Raena]

I have a feeling that now that you've opened pandora's box so to speak, you won't be able to close it.

 

What I mean by that is... once you start snooping and having a gut feeling that things are not what they seem, it's incredibly difficult to stop snooping and trust that he's making good decisions. This is especially true because you found something when you snooped.

 

He didn't come out and tell you any of this, you had to go and look to find it. Anytime in the future that there is a similar situation, the same thing will happen. He won't tell you and you'll have to snoop to find the truth.

 

Is that who you really want to be with? Do you want to spend all of your time worrying about what he's doing when you aren't around?

 

His relationship with this female friend may very well be platonic, or it may not. My thought is ....if it is platonic, why wouldn't he include you in that friendship instead of hiding it from you?

 

The fact remains... he's made it clear he intends to remain friendly with this other female regardless of how it makes you feel. You can't change his point of view. The only thing you can do is decide if you are going to stay or go.

[doyathinkso]

Sounds to me like he's double-dipping.

 

If he isn't using a condom when he's with you perhaps you should visit your doctor for a comprehensive STD testing.

[road]

After reading the first paragraph there was no

need to read anymore.

 

You are dating a man that is cheating on you.

 

A man that has lived a life style multi dating and

shows that he is not going to change.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Little history into our relationship; bf was a long time bachelor, dating multiple girls at a time for 4 years until he met me and settled down into a committed relationship.

 

madeinaday, I'm so sorry you're going through this but the above has probably played out many times in his life; i.e. him getting into a relationship with a woman who believes she has finally settled him down after his long time bachelorhood; then finding out he's continuing to date others.

 

I doubt he'll change and I wouldn't put up with it for another day as he'll probably spend his life doing this. At some point he may marry as he sees life passing him by and possibly wants to have a family (children) but, imo, chances of cheating on his wife, if he marries, are pretty high. Any time you spend with him is probably going to be wasted, seems to me.

[d0nnivain]

Like you I think opposite sex friends are OK in a limited way. That is generally not texting all day every day. There have to be boundaries & the romantic relationship has to be primary.

 

 

Do you know this other woman? Have you, her & your BF hung out? Try setting that up. If he balks, dump him because he's cheating. If he says fine, observe but mark your territory. Then apply the Art of War: Keep your friends close but your enemies closer.

[Zahara]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/624704-boyfriend-tells-me-while-committed-he-wants-keep-options-open

 

This is your other thread about him.

 

How many red flags does it take for you to wise up and move on?

 

He's still that same long time bachelor. The only reason he's stuck with you the longest is likely because you're lacking boundaries and tolerating bad behavior.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am not convinced that he is cheating but I would not be OK with this.

 

I have a lot of male friends and like Don said, the best strategy is to befriend them. Invite them to hang out, first with bf and you then occasionally with just you. That's what my friend's wives did. Then they looked liked "the good guy", have seen that there is nothing to worry about while simultaneously subtly showing me "this is my husband. hand off". I have over time switched to texting them when I want to hang out and phased out alone time with their husbands.

 

Your blatant jealousy is only pushing him away. Women that know how the game is played are much more strategic

[SunnyWeather]

I am not convinced that he is cheating but I would not be OK with this.

 

I have a lot of male friends and like Don said, the best strategy is to befriend them. Invite them to hang out, first with bf and you then occasionally with just you. That's what my friend's wives did. Then they looked liked "the good guy", have seen that there is nothing to worry about while simultaneously subtly showing me "this is my husband. hand off". I have over time switched to texting them when I want to hang out and phased out alone time with their husbands.

 

Your blatant jealousy is only pushing him away. Women that know how the game is played are much more strategic

 

 

This sounds exhausting and energy sucking. Relationships do not have to be so complicated and manipulating. He's either in and that's clear, or he's not.

 

OP needs to decide if she wants to stay in this rodeo or get out. Life does not have to be so filled with drama and doubt.

[Timshel]

I am not convinced that he is cheating but I would not be OK with this.

 

I have a lot of male friends and like Don said, the best strategy is to befriend them. Invite them to hang out, first with bf and you then occasionally with just you. That's what my friend's wives did. Then they looked liked "the good guy", have seen that there is nothing to worry about while simultaneously subtly showing me "this is my husband. hand off". I have over time switched to texting them when I want to hang out and phased out alone time with their husbands.

 

Your blatant jealousy is only pushing him away. Women that know how the game is played are much more strategic

 

Women and men in healthy relationships don't play games, you are confusing jealousy with respect.

A friend (male or female) either respects the relationship or not. If not...not a friend, zero games involved and complete agreement with a partner.

 

OP, others have advised that there are differing expectations/boundaries in your relationship.

If this situation is not ok, there will be another man around the bend who is on your same page.

Pretzel twist not required.

[knabe]

Like it or lump it.

 

Very simple.

 

Hmmm...different from what you post to men....

 

OP, he's wrong. Let him go

[smackie9]

Good lord, he told you he doesn't see anything wrong with the way he interacts with this "friend". You are a dummy for not seeing the obvious.....he IS keeping his options open.

 

Dump this chump.

[lolablue17]

I don't see "the friend" as a problem.

 

I see other problems... A liar BF with lame excuses, An insecure gf who doesn't trust her bf, A deceptive bf who acually causes his gf to feel insecure, and these are the minor... The 2 bigger problems are:

 

1. Your bf doesn't really care about you. WHen he notice that you're unhappy with something he doesn't try to make you happy, and suggesting a creative solution that will maintain his friendship while calming you down...

 

2. It was a battle about control. You decided to fight and you lost. I think losing in this kind of control battle might have a consequences on your relationship. When you take the decision to raise the conflict level, you should be prepared to leave. Even if you made a mistake by demanding him to cut her (And i'm not saying it's a mistake), now that he refuses to even go half way with you, the damage is already done. Things will get worse from now on because he didn't respect you and won. It's a big effect.

[Space Ritual]

It's not the other woman that is the problem. It's your boyfriend. He sounds like a real drama queen better suited for a Bravo Channel show than an actual relationship.

 

Why people accept such treatment is beyond me, and you should do yourself a favor and get rid of this jackwagon

[madeinaday]

OP here.

 

I just broke up with my boyfriend last Monday and during a moment where I felt doubtful about my decision, I remembered that I made a post about the EXACT same issue 7 months ago.

 

I don't think most of you will care nor remember, but I just wanted to post the outcome. Nothing changed, he kept interacting with her despite me continuously communicating with him that I felt uncomfortable and disrespected. So I ended it. Advice to whoever might have similar problems as I did - listen to the internet! They can look at a situation much more subjectively than you.

 

To everyone here who took time out of their day to post genuine replies - thank you very much

[basil67]

Good for you Madeinaday. And it was really smart of you to remember your old post and recognise that the problem wasn't going to go away.

 

And I think I can speak for most when I say that we love to get updates.

 

Take care.

[madeinaday]

OP here.

 

They can look at a situation much more subjectively than you.

 

 

Oops, I meant much more objectively! Haha

[lolablue17]

Oops, I meant much more objectively! Haha

 

We can be objective, subjective, we can be anything you want :o:o:o:o

[Malin889]

I know this is an old thread but I had to respond. I hope by this point you’ve exited the relationship because unfortunately this “committed” man of yours is not going to change. He probably isn’t cheating because he did make a point to say that this girl is not the type of girl to go after with someone with a girlfriend, ( props to him for defending her though to you LOL ) it doesn’t mean that he hasn’t thought about it. And like someone said above the only reason your relationship has probably lasted is because there are no boundaries drawn and you allow him to get away with inappropriate behavior.

[salparadise]

This guy is simply the male counterpart to women we've read about who cultivate orbiters and need to keep a fan club... and try to justify it as normal social interaction and platonic friends. It's not. My opinion is that it's a personality defect, a deficit in their sense of self that they're compensating for. They're keeping the hotties around for validation. Someone who needs external validation of this nature is never going to be fully committed to a primary parter, and their relationships will be roller coaster rides.

 

They aren't always actively cheating, but they need secondary relationships as security blankets... and they still aren't secure. Healthy people don't put up with it. It sucks the life out of relationships and the partner will be perpetually riddled with anxiety until it reaches a tipping point.

 

If you start dating someone who needs secondary opposite-sex relationships (orbiters) and you can't walk away easily, ask your counselor to explain codependence. I'd be willing to bet that anyone who needs these secondary relationships will score high on the MMPI-II.

 

They are not real friends, and they are not platonic.

Edited May 19, 2018 by salparadise

[bathtub-row]

If you feel that you're being disrespected in a relationship, then you are.

[Lotsgoingon]

Time to walk. Trust that gut of yours.

 

Some men when they are younger are just out of it when it comes to figuring out that a relationship is moving towards romance and sex. I once was hanging out with a woman that my ex got jealous about ... I wasn't sleeping with the woman, so I said, "You're wrong. This is fine."

 

Looking back, my energy and affection for this other woman was definitely leading me towards getting involved with her. Not sure how I missed it. I think as I matured, I realized I had to pay attention to my energy ... not assume my values would keep me away from trouble. And a real friend of your bf would know to keep the energy in control and platonic.

 

So you really do need go further ... this is a break-up issue. Disrespect gets no bigger than this ... Really doesn't. Time to take a stand.

 

Good luck.