Unsure/ambivalent about relationship

[snowboy91]

First time poster, mods please move if needed.

 

GF and I (both 26 y.o.) have been dating for a little over 5 years, and have been living together for nearly 3. She's been the only real serious relationship I've had, and certainly the only one with sex and cohabiting involved. I've noticed over the past year that we've been drifting apart significantly, and I've had a lot of fear about bringing this up (which I know I need to do eventually...)

 

The good - we live together fine (although I'm a bit messier than she is), sex is fine (although infrequent... I have no comparison though), she gets along with my family, similar outlook on politics, loves me to pieces, and I really feel I can trust her 110%.

 

The bad - We don't have any similar interests - I'm in my element when exploring, travelling, going out for drinks, meeting new people etc, while I feel she prefers to sit at home on weekends, the most outgoing thing is probably brunch on the weekend. Also I feel like we want different things out of life generally - I have this sense that once we get "real jobs" (both still at uni) she will want to settle in a nice quiet space out in the suburbs in our current city, while it's highly likely I'll need to move cities or abroad to pursue a career... if I decide not to travel the world first!

 

The ugly - I've been going to counselling recently for depression and anxiety, which has revealed that people pleasing behaviour has been an issue for a large portion of my life. In hindsight I did spend a LOT of time trying to do what was best for the relationship at my own expense. It's still occurring to a certain extent... when I go out with a student club or with new friends I sometimes (but not always) get accused of cheating... it is absolutely true that I have a lot of female friends but that has always been the case so I'd say it's expected behaviour. (also with most new female friends I have absolutely no desire to cheat... some of them have been interested in me but once they found out I was taken they lost interest so not a big deal)

 

Anyway I'd been training myself to be a lot more assertive in a lot of my interactions with others outside the relationship which for a while pushed me into a much more socially active place, and I was happy for a while... until I realised the distance this was putting between my partner and I. And so it's started stressing me out to the point where I'm irritable and anxious (also withdrawing to the point of failing to build new friendships) and having the occasional complete freakout... not to mention incredibly unproductive at work. I'm really surprised she hasn't noticed something isn't right.

 

Anyway cut to the chase, I'm really stuck on the fence about it at the moment... I'm scared of leaving because I know how much she loves me, I care about her deeply and I know leaving will be really tough... also I don't really have anywhere to go as family live in another city and I have relatively few close friends these days who would take me. But if I continue like this I will continue to regress from the things in life I enjoy, slowly drive myself mad, and not give her the loving relationship she deserves.

 

I guess I'm really just looking for second/third opinions... I'm aware that my anxiety could be warping some of my thoughts (and possibly even the whole issue and everything is fine). Anyway sorry for the long and heavy post!

[smackie9]

You would feel 100% better if you communicated to her that you are feeling out of sorts, and would like some feedback from her. Most of your anxiety is from not expressing yourself, which leads to all these negative thoughts. It's very possible she could be totally on board with expanding her social life and doing things out of her comfort zone...you just have to be encouraging and supportive. It's just that simple. Having a positive attitude will make this so much easier for you. You are just getting ahead of yourself, thinking the worse. Remember this just isn't about you, it's about her too. You need to trust her.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You would feel 100% better if you communicated to her that you are feeling out of sorts, and would like some feedback from her. Most of your anxiety is from not expressing yourself, which leads to all these negative thoughts. It's very possible she could be totally on board with expanding her social life and doing things out of her comfort zone...you just have to be encouraging and supportive. It's just that simple. Having a positive attitude will make this so much easier for you. You are just getting ahead of yourself, thinking the worse. Remember this just isn't about you, it's about her too. You need to trust her.

 

I agree with this. You could even casually bring it up as a discussion of long term goals after graduation.

 

This isn't "nothing" but your anxiety is making it worse.

[snowboy91]

You would feel 100% better if you communicated to her that you are feeling out of sorts, and would like some feedback from her. Most of your anxiety is from not expressing yourself, which leads to all these negative thoughts. It's very possible she could be totally on board with expanding her social life and doing things out of her comfort zone...you just have to be encouraging and supportive. It's just that simple. Having a positive attitude will make this so much easier for you. You are just getting ahead of yourself, thinking the worse. Remember this just isn't about you, it's about her too. You need to trust her.

 

I agree with this. You could even casually bring it up as a discussion of long term goals after graduation.

 

This isn't "nothing" but your anxiety is making it worse.

 

Thanks for the responses, this is helping a lot actually. I was just worried that without a definite answer on staying/leaving it will drag out causing pain for both of us. Overall from my point of view it is way better to say something than to say nothing (since either outcome will be better than wallowing for an unknown amount of time hoping things improve).

 

I've realised the main fear is dealing with the pain she will feel by going from a seemingly perfect relationship to one about to fall to pieces... although the fear is based on the assumption she's perfectly happy now, and will be if I continue to remain distant and say nothing. When I think about it now it's a lot less likely to be a massive catastrophe than I normally think... and even if it is I'll survive. Just need to push through the anxiety effectively enough to bring it up...

[kendahke]

I'm scared of leaving because I know how much she loves me, I care about her deeply and I know leaving will be really tough...

 

 

the main fear is dealing with the pain she will feel by going from a seemingly perfect relationship to one about to fall to pieces...

 

This is people pleasing again.

 

You and she are two different kinds of people. You are more extroverted than she is. Nothing wrong with being introverted, but there is something wrong in accusing your partner of things he's not doing just because you choose to live your life a certain way, but then expect for him to live it the exact same way you do and be happy about it.

 

Does she feel that how she is and how she feels is right and that she doesn't need to look at how her behavior is feeding how you're currently feeling? There's a saying for people like that: you can be right and be alone.

 

also I don't really have anywhere to go as family live in another city and I have relatively few close friends these days who would take me.

 

When is your lease up? How long will it take for you to amass the money to afford a studio apartment so that you can live on your own in your area? Start doing that today.

 

But if I continue like this I will continue to regress from the things in life I enjoy, slowly drive myself mad, and not give her the loving relationship she deserves.

 

Will you be happy doing this in order to keep pleasing her? If not, then you know what you need to do. Is you being unhappy and miserable a fair price to pay for staying with her just so she won't be? She's grown and has decided she wants to be this way. She'll get over it.

[JuneJulySeptember]

First time poster, mods please move if needed.

 

GF and I (both 26 y.o.) have been dating for a little over 5 years, and have been living together for nearly 3. She's been the only real serious relationship I've had, and certainly the only one with sex and cohabiting involved. I've noticed over the past year that we've been drifting apart significantly, and I've had a lot of fear about bringing this up (which I know I need to do eventually...)

 

The good - we live together fine (although I'm a bit messier than she is), sex is fine (although infrequent... I have no comparison though), she gets along with my family, similar outlook on politics, loves me to pieces, and I really feel I can trust her 110%.

 

The bad - We don't have any similar interests - I'm in my element when exploring, travelling, going out for drinks, meeting new people etc, while I feel she prefers to sit at home on weekends, the most outgoing thing is probably brunch on the weekend. Also I feel like we want different things out of life generally - I have this sense that once we get "real jobs" (both still at uni) she will want to settle in a nice quiet space out in the suburbs in our current city, while it's highly likely I'll need to move cities or abroad to pursue a career... if I decide not to travel the world first!

 

The ugly - I've been going to counselling recently for depression and anxiety, which has revealed that people pleasing behaviour has been an issue for a large portion of my life. In hindsight I did spend a LOT of time trying to do what was best for the relationship at my own expense. It's still occurring to a certain extent... when I go out with a student club or with new friends I sometimes (but not always) get accused of cheating... it is absolutely true that I have a lot of female friends but that has always been the case so I'd say it's expected behaviour. (also with most new female friends I have absolutely no desire to cheat... some of them have been interested in me but once they found out I was taken they lost interest so not a big deal)

 

Anyway I'd been training myself to be a lot more assertive in a lot of my interactions with others outside the relationship which for a while pushed me into a much more socially active place, and I was happy for a while... until I realised the distance this was putting between my partner and I. And so it's started stressing me out to the point where I'm irritable and anxious (also withdrawing to the point of failing to build new friendships) and having the occasional complete freakout... not to mention incredibly unproductive at work. I'm really surprised she hasn't noticed something isn't right.

 

Anyway cut to the chase, I'm really stuck on the fence about it at the moment... I'm scared of leaving because I know how much she loves me, I care about her deeply and I know leaving will be really tough... also I don't really have anywhere to go as family live in another city and I have relatively few close friends these days who would take me. But if I continue like this I will continue to regress from the things in life I enjoy, slowly drive myself mad, and not give her the loving relationship she deserves.

 

I guess I'm really just looking for second/third opinions... I'm aware that my anxiety could be warping some of my thoughts (and possibly even the whole issue and everything is fine). Anyway sorry for the long and heavy post!

 

Aside from the issue taking care of itself (like one of you cheating or you having to move for a job and the relationship dying from distance), there is no answer.

 

A lot of people get married to the woman you describe.

 

That's a decision you gotta make for yourself...

 

As far as your last paragraph, EVERY woman will take you from the things you enjoy. Lol. You just want one who will take you away less.

[NexttP]

From my understanding, you're basically saying that you don't find her compatible? That you have a big piece missing from your relationship and that piece is "spending quality time together" due to the fact that you two have few common interests.

 

Okay, so "introvert shouldn't date extrovert" is not really a thing. As long as both are okay with the other's behavior then it works just fine. She allows you to go out to have fun, misses you while you're out, but don't suspect you're doing something behind her back. You could leave her at home, miss her a lot while you're out, then when you come home enjoy the time together. But it seems like even Home time is lacking? Then you just have to make a decision. Whether she loves you or not is not a factor in this case, it's whether or not you are in love with her at all. Though it sounds like you can live without her just fine, emotionally.

 

I suspect that you two got together in the first place for other reasons besides compatibility, like physical, safety, and quality of life. Hoping that "love" is enough to trump compatibility. But it doesn't, you two have to be compatible. However, you COULD decide that you two are compatible by you changing your views on your life, compatibility is not absolute (because people change over time).

[Sara1989]

Lots of people who are introvert/extroverts are couples, I do not see the problem here as its not like your girlfriend is stopping you from going out?

 

Also like another poster said, you have not talked to your partner about your fears. Instead you just want to end the relationship without communicating.

 

I think this is the case of the grass is greener mentality but really you may find that is not the case. I really would advice you to actually talk to your girlfriend but if you have fallen out of love which seems be the case then yes end the relationship.

[kendahke]

Being introverted/extroverted isn't the problem.

 

The problem is expecting the other to be like you are when you already know that they aren't. That's like getting with a blue eyed person and being mad because they don't have green eyes because you prefer green eyed lovers.

 

This comes down to who each of you is; and the expectation that the other abandons who they are to please you is ignorant, as is accusing them of cheating because you choose to stay home and not go out and socialize..

Edited September 1, 2017 by kendahke

[snowboy91]

You and she are two different kinds of people. You are more extroverted than she is. Nothing wrong with being introverted, but there is something wrong in accusing your partner of things he's not doing just because you choose to live your life a certain way, but then expect for him to live it the exact same way you do and be happy about it.

 

Does she feel that how she is and how she feels is right and that she doesn't need to look at how her behavior is feeding how you're currently feeling? There's a saying for people like that: you can be right and be alone.

 

Don't think she feels that what she doing is "right", as much as it is "just her". The way she puts it is that she trusts me when I go out... but she can't help what she's subconsciously thinking. Like I said before, it's not always the case that she will get worried when I'm out, but it means I'm never quite sure whether a given situation will result in me being accused and so I tend to shy away (and I realise that's not the best approach).

 

 

When is your lease up? How long will it take for you to amass the money to afford a studio apartment so that you can live on your own in your area? Start doing that today.

 

Lease is up in about 6 weeks... Studio apartment is not an option on a student budget in this city. Most students live in share houses, so that would be my only option... which I really wouldn't mind provided I get good housemates!

 

 

From my understanding, you're basically saying that you don't find her compatible? That you have a big piece missing from your relationship and that piece is "spending quality time together" due to the fact that you two have few common interests.

 

Okay, so "introvert shouldn't date extrovert" is not really a thing. As long as both are okay with the other's behavior then it works just fine. She allows you to go out to have fun, misses you while you're out, but don't suspect you're doing something behind her back. You could leave her at home, miss her a lot while you're out, then when you come home enjoy the time together. But it seems like even Home time is lacking? Then you just have to make a decision. Whether she loves you or not is not a factor in this case, it's whether or not you are in love with her at all. Though it sounds like you can live without her just fine, emotionally.

 

I suspect that you two got together in the first place for other reasons besides compatibility, like physical, safety, and quality of life. Hoping that "love" is enough to trump compatibility. But it doesn't, you two have to be compatible. However, you COULD decide that you two are compatible by you changing your views on your life, compatibility is not absolute (because people change over time).

 

I'd say you're right in that I don't feel as if we're compatible as we have different interests and goals, but I also keep wondering to myself whether my expectations are reasonable. I mean, it's completely expected that I shouldn't be going to clubs to get wasted/hook up (obvious one), but staying at home and watching TV every night and over the weekend bores me very quickly. Which is why I tried cultivating my own interests (hiking, biking, music among others), although this increased the distance despite me being very clear that she could take part if she wanted.

 

Lots of people who are introvert/extroverts are couples, I do not see the problem here as its not like your girlfriend is stopping you from going out?

 

Also like another poster said, you have not talked to your partner about your fears. Instead you just want to end the relationship without communicating.

 

I think this is the case of the grass is greener mentality but really you may find that is not the case. I really would advice you to actually talk to your girlfriend but if you have fallen out of love which seems be the case then yes end the relationship.

To address the first point, you are correct. She isn't stopping me going out... but being accused of cheating enough times has made me a little nervous ie. its more in my head (which again highlights that I'm getting ahead of myself).

Although I think you're one step ahead of me, I'm feeling it's not so much a "grass is greener" scenario as much as a "now isn't great" scenario.

 

Being introverted/extroverted isn't the problem.

 

The problem is expecting the other to be like you are when you already know that they aren't. That's like getting with a blue eyed person and being mad because they don't have green eyes because you prefer green eyed lovers.

 

This comes down to who each of you is; and the expectation that the other abandons who they are to please you is ignorant, as is accusing them of cheating because you choose to stay home and not go out and socialize..

 

This is the part where I'm stuck. From my perspective, on one hand I don't want a partner to change or abandon who they are for my sake or the sake of the relationship. On the other, if who they are and who I am are vastly different, and there isn't any common ground for us to connect with, then that's going to make the relationship feel empty (which is where I'm at now). Which means that even though I don't want a partner to change, I want them to be like me enough so we have a connection.

 

I guess it means talking to her is the only way forward despite the poor timing.

[Whodatdog]

This is the pitfall from getting so serious in your very first relationship. You have nothing to compare anything to. You do seem a bit at odds on what your want for your relationship, but if you can't discuss that with her, then youre not communicating well, and that is the bedrock of a good relationship.

 

You're both very young and have a lot of living ahead of you. Being so far apart in what you want out of life isnt good.

[snowboy91]

Ok, so an update. Finally found the courage to start talking a few days ago. I don't think I said everything I needed to, but I did get most of my message across.

 

She had noticed that we've not been doing many things together, so I mentioned lack of similar interests and said that while we know this is an issue, now is the chance to find something that we both enjoy and to start doing things together again. We've planned a breakfast date (use of a voucher from a while ago), and considering a trip somewhere - these are the positive outcomes.

 

The bad outcomes - upon mentioning the lack of common interests she acknowledged that she felt the same way (which is true), although she re-iterated her major fear that I would easily fall in love with one of my (female) friends that share my interests, and that she felt that her own interests were "boring". She stopped short of owning her interests, but she seemed unwilling to be open to some of my more active pursuits (for various reasons). She also further justified her fear of me cheating by saying that I've become more attractive over the time I've known her while she's become less (I believe the opposite... I'm the one who's turned ugly, but that's typical of anyone's harsh self-judgement).

 

She also mentioned today that if we want to do more things together I need to just plan it instead of getting anxious... it's fair enough but it links back to the lack of common interests, it's hard for us to think of something new that we will both enjoy.

 

Overall there is some progress, and it feels a heck of a lot better to have lines of communication open again. But the sticking point seems to be the jealousy of other girls that share my interests, but I don't want to abandon who I am and the things I enjoy to try and stave off the guilt. I'm just not sure if I can handle not being trusted. Hopefully by planning more things together the answers will become clearer.

[snowboy91]

New update, digging an old thread but I figured it's better than starting a new one (so context remains). Last paragraph sums it up.

 

We promised to make time for each other, which worked for about a week... and now we're back to square one. She's out 4 out of 5 weeknights (sport/gym), and on the weekends she or I have things on with friends (which are again separate). I get that I should to be the one to make the effort to make time for her, but is it not reasonable for me to expect the same from her sometimes?

 

Anyway a couple of weeks ago she dropped a little bombshell - she is trying to line up a job overseas next year (the irony is not lost on me here), and essentially gave me no choice but to move there with her (she is not at all willing to do a LDR again - we did this a few years ago for 6 months). I'm a bit upset as it feels like she just hasn't taken into account my own wants (perhaps it's just the way it was communicated... but it's still a big deal and I need space to think it over). I have told her what my own vision for the next couple of years was, and we at least know what we want career wise... but I haven't spoken about how upset I am (although that was partly because I was preparing for, and went on, a work trip myself and the stress associated with that didn't put me in a good head space - as of now that trip is over and I'm ready to talk).

 

To sum up - I know I'm not making much effort, but how much should I be asking her to make effort in the relationship? And am I just over-reacting to being dictated to move or is it really going too far like I feel it is? I just know that moving overseas with uncertain job prospects with someone I'm feeling distant with is a really bad idea, but another part of my mind is telling me relationships are all about compromise and I need to work it out...

[Sara1989]

New update, digging an old thread but I figured it's better than starting a new one (so context remains). Last paragraph sums it up.

 

We promised to make time for each other, which worked for about a week... and now we're back to square one. She's out 4 out of 5 weeknights (sport/gym), and on the weekends she or I have things on with friends (which are again separate). I get that I should to be the one to make the effort to make time for her, but is it not reasonable for me to expect the same from her sometimes?

 

Anyway a couple of weeks ago she dropped a little bombshell - she is trying to line up a job overseas next year (the irony is not lost on me here), and essentially gave me no choice but to move there with her (she is not at all willing to do a LDR again - we did this a few years ago for 6 months). I'm a bit upset as it feels like she just hasn't taken into account my own wants (perhaps it's just the way it was communicated... but it's still a big deal and I need space to think it over). I have told her what my own vision for the next couple of years was, and we at least know what we want career wise... but I haven't spoken about how upset I am (although that was partly because I was preparing for, and went on, a work trip myself and the stress associated with that didn't put me in a good head space - as of now that trip is over and I'm ready to talk).

 

To sum up - I know I'm not making much effort, but how much should I be asking her to make effort in the relationship? And am I just over-reacting to being dictated to move or is it really going too far like I feel it is? I just know that moving overseas with uncertain job prospects with someone I'm feeling distant with is a really bad idea, but another part of my mind is telling me relationships are all about compromise and I need to work it out...

 

She is obviously not feeling the relationship either, which is why she lining up the job without even consulting you first. If anything this should be the push you both need to end the relationship for good.

[smackie9]

A relationship with any kind of future has to be a partnership. You should be on the same page with everything, planning your future together, sharing your lives, friends and activities. All this time you have been acting like two separate entities.

 

She's got this "you can take it or leave it" attitude, and that's pretty much her saying it probably going to be over. Time for a last talk and break free.

[kassy]

Just break up. You gave things a try but it hasn't really improved. Her moving is basically a way for you both to end it on good terms. Doesn't sound like either of you is invested. I moved overseas after university, after lots of discussion with my then boyfriend. We decided to break up. It was the right decision in hind sight.

[spiderowl]

It could be that the talk you had with her about how your interests didn't match made her feel uncertain that you would stay with her. Although her job offer has been presented to you as a 'take it or leave it' option, she probably felt you would be moving on before her so she might as well make other plans with her life. I think you are both moving apart and have been struggling to make it work. You might as well separate. She has not consulted with you about the course of action she was taking. I doubt she is expecting you to go along with it. It will be painful for a while but maybe you should go your separate ways now.

[snowboy91]

Thanks for all your responses - I find posting here is helping me stay motivated to actually talk to her rather than letting my anxiety get the better of me.

 

So I spoke to her last night - it turns out that the attitude towards moving was a severe miscommunication for both of us - she intended it to be a suggestion but it didn't come out that way, nor did I hear it that way. I feel that issue has been resolved for now. The new job is still only a vague possibility even though it didn't seem like it at the time.

 

During the discussion another issue was raised - she's under a lot of pressure from friends and family to get married and have children soon, and is tired of that pressure and doesn't want to do any of that yet... but in the same breath asked me if I was committed and ready myself. Of course I couldn't lie and this led into me telling her how I've been feeling so distant. She said outright multiple times that she didn't know what she wanted besides wanting to be with me. Makes it hard to work out where I stand.

 

As for the lack of common interests and time together, she firstly thought we were spending enough time together since the last time we spoke about it (minus us being away for work a week each). She doesn't understand why I don't like sitting on the couch with her every night or why I need to be out all the time, and got quite angry about us having nothing we like to do together. She also upset herself for being too "boring" for me. All that said, we've opened up this weekend to spend time together - I feel this is one more shot. She didn't take it well that it might be the last attempt, but going back to a distant relationship isn't something I'm willing to do.

 

In summary, the relationship survived... barely. I'm not sure if I feel any different about it, but I do at least feel better about standing my ground and talking about everything. She told me she felt uneasy this morning, I think she might still be processing it all - Spiderowl re-reading your post I feel if she wasn't uncertain before, she probably is now. The next few days will tell.