When NC is not possible

[Hbroken]

I am a MM and my OW decided to call it quits 2 months ago because she felt she couldn't wait any longer. I had never said I'd leave my wife. She was previously in unsatisfying LTR and so the A worked for both of us but then she ended her relationship but I wasn't unhappy enough to end mine so our relationship ended. Since then I've never contacted her and I have accepted her decision as it was for the best. The problem is that we work in the same building and therefore try as hard as I may to avoid her we inevitable bump into each other and this happened again yesterday. I had managed to avoid her successfully for 5 weeks prior to yesterday. So she came up and said 'hi stranger.. What are you doing here?'

Me: I just had to pick up some papers (true)

Her: did you go to the party last Friday

Me:which party?

Her: so and so's party

Me: no.. I don't think I was invited

Her: yes you definitely were... I saw on facebook

Me: oh ok I haven't checked facebook for ages. Did you go?

Her: no I went to see Amber (a mutual friend) and she gave me a lift down to London

Me: cool... By this time someone came to talk to her and I got up and left

 

And suddenly all my progress for the past 8 weeks seemed undone and I felt sad and tearful.

 

I can't leave my job and can't expect her to leave here

And I am just not sure how I can manage like this. She seemed pretty calm and collected as did I (although I was really struggling inside)

Surely we can't go on like this? To my mind I can't see my progress becoming derailed like this...I could try and keep avoiding her but that is also quite anxiety inducing in itself:-( Has anyone been in this situation and how did you deal with it?

[Hbroken]

I am a MM and my OW decided to call it quits 2 months ago because she felt she couldn't wait any longer. I had never said I'd leave my wife. She was previously in unsatisfying LTR and so the A worked for both of us but then she ended her relationship but I wasn't unhappy enough to end mine so our relationship ended. Since then I've never contacted her and I have accepted her decision as it was for the best. The problem is that we work in the same building and therefore try as hard as I may to avoid her we inevitable bump into each other and this happened again yesterday. I had managed to avoid her successfully for 5 weeks prior to yesterday. So she came up and said 'hi stranger.. What are you doing here?'

Me: I just had to pick up some papers (true)

Her: did you go to the party last Friday

Me:which party?

Her: so and so's party

Me: no.. I don't think I was invited

Her: yes you definitely were... I saw on facebook

Me: oh ok I haven't checked facebook for ages. Did you go?

Her: no I went to see Amber (a mutual friend) and she gave me a lift down to London

Me: cool... By this time someone came to talk to her and I got up and left

 

And suddenly all my progress for the past 8 weeks seemed undone and I felt sad and tearful.

 

I can't leave my job and can't expect her to leave here

And I am just not sure how I can manage like this. She seemed pretty calm and collected as did I (although I was really struggling inside)

Surely we can't go on like this? To my mind I can't see my progress becoming derailed like this...I could try and keep avoiding her but that is also quite anxiety inducing in itself:-( Has anyone been in this situation and how did you deal with it?

 

Of course I could go and tell her that I don't want her to speak to me but this i itself will probably create more tension which I could do without.. I'm some ways it'd have been easier if she didnt come and speak with me because as she is the dumper she gets to set the boundaries...but she clearly does feel that we can be kind of friends and I am not sure that can work:-(

[road]

 

I can't leave my job and can't expect her to leave here

And I am just not sure how I can manage like this. She seemed pretty calm and collected as did I (although I was really struggling inside)

Surely we can't go on like this? To my mind I can't see my progress becoming derailed like this...I could try and keep avoiding her but that is also quite anxiety inducing in itself:-( Has anyone been in this situation and how did you deal with it?

 

Can't leave the job?

 

Why are you chained to the desk, a slave.

a serf, what?

[somanymistakes]

You CAN leave your job. You choose not to, because it would be difficult and cause a lot of problems in your life.

 

I'm not going to tell you that you have to leave your job, that's up to you, but you do have to recognise what parts of the situation are your own decision. You chose to have an affair with a coworker, you chose to stay at the job. If you accept the responsibility for the things that you did choose, it can make it easier to identify and deal with the things that you can't choose and can't control.

 

You can't control your OW. You can't force her to quit, or to never speak to you. So what CAN you do?

 

You can try to avoid her. This won't always work. By accident or change, she may run into you. What can you do then?

 

You can insist on leaving immediately if she comes near you. This might be seen as rude. Which would you rather do, be seen as rude or handle the emotional confusion of talking to her? Your choice, your decision.

 

Think about your options. What can you do? What are you willing to do?

[whichwayisup]

Of course I could go and tell her that I don't want her to speak to me but this i itself will probably create more tension which I could do without.. I'm some ways it'd have been easier if she didnt come and speak with me because as she is the dumper she gets to set the boundaries...but she clearly does feel that we can be kind of friends and I am not sure that can work:-(

 

No not at all. You tell her not to approach you at work and make small talk. Tell her to respect your wishes to go NC and that means no friendship at all. Nothing.

 

YOU set the boundaries, not her! Who cares how she feels, she certainly doesn't give a crap about you and your feelings, if she did she wouldn't be trying to be happy go lucky around you and pretending all is okay.

[Doublegold]

Twice in two months while at work --your interaction isn't daily so that is a plus. Unless you leave the job, you're going to have to deal with it.

 

I'd advise you to go onto your FB and block her also.

Edited August 30, 2017 by Doublegold
Typos

[Bittersweetie]

There are consequences to your actions. This is one of them.

 

If you have to see her at work, do not engage at all. In any way. For example, the conversation above would go like this:

 

Her: What are you doing here?

You: I'm picking up some papers. Excuse me. (You leave.)

 

Do you see how that works? You're polite yet ending the conversation. Here's another one:

 

Her: Are you going to that meeting?

You: I'll have to check my calendar. Excuse me. (You leave.)

 

Rinse and repeat.

 

The fact that you're still working with your xAP is another whole issue, and one you should take seriously. Can you move forward with xAP still around? What will happen if/when your wife finds out and realizes you're still working with xAP? Just some stuff to think about.

 

GL.

[Hbroken]

Twice in two months while at work --your interaction isn't daily so that is a plus. Unless you leave the job, you're going to have to deal with it.

 

I'd advise you to go onto your FB and block her also.

 

Thank you. we are not friends on Facebook but i guess the party invite was put out by the host on Facebook and therefore you can see who else has been invited

[MidnightBlue1980]

I tried to do what you are doing for a year. It does not work. I had constant agony, pain, anxiety and later, health issues from the stress. You'll read it here a lot and it's true. You can't get over someone while you still see them. You need complete and final NC. I was preparing to leave our mutual place when his wife broke into his phone, learned the truth and pulled him out.

[Hbroken]

Twice in two months while at work --your interaction isn't daily so that is a plus. Unless you leave the job, you're going to have to deal with it.

 

I'd advise you to go onto your FB and block her also.

 

 

Also its been 3 times in the last 8 weeks and for 3 of those weeks, i went away on holiday to try and get away from her..:-( and for at least 3 additional weeks, i made sure i went straight from the entrance to my office to avoid any interaction with anyone lest our paths crossed in the corridor etc- very anxiety provoking!

[Hbroken]

I tried to do what you are doing for a year. It does not work. I had constant agony, pain, anxiety and later, health issues from the stress. You'll read it here a lot and it's true. You can't get over someone while you still see them. You need complete and final NC. I was preparing to leave our mutual place when his wife broke into his phone, learned the truth and pulled him out.

 

Thank you. I guess its not so bad for her as she is out of her relationship now.

 

For me its very very hard. i think i might look at taking a sabbatical and going away for a year.

 

It all happened by text. She just texted and said that she needed to move on and i immediately wished her the best by text back and that was it. i was sort of shell shocked...for a while because i never really got any sort of closure. its a bit like looking after a terminal patient (our relationship)... you know the patient is going to die soon but sometimes the patient dies so suddenly and unexpectedly and before you get a proper chance to say your goodbyes - this is what happened to me and therefore i think it has hurt me a lot more. She seems completely fine and dandy!

[Hbroken]

There are consequences to your actions. This is one of them.

 

If you have to see her at work, do not engage at all. In any way. For example, the conversation above would go like this:

 

Her: What are you doing here?

You: I'm picking up some papers. Excuse me. (You leave.)

 

Do you see how that works? You're polite yet ending the conversation. Here's another one:

 

Her: Are you going to that meeting?

You: I'll have to check my calendar. Excuse me. (You leave.)

 

Rinse and repeat.

 

The fact that you're still working with your xAP is another whole issue, and one you should take seriously. Can you move forward with xAP still around? What will happen if/when your wife finds out and realizes you're still working with xAP? Just some stuff to think about.

 

GL.

 

Thank you. good advice and i will have to try it. But its not going to be easy. Somewhere deep down you long for an interaction and when it does happen you realise how damaging it can be.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Thank you. I guess its not so bad for her as she is out of her relationship now.

 

For me its very very hard. i think i might look at taking a sabbatical and going away for a year.

 

It all happened by text. She just texted and said that she needed to move on and i immediately wished her the best by text back and that was it. i was sort of shell shocked...for a while because i never really got any sort of closure. its a bit like looking after a terminal patient (our relationship)... you know the patient is going to die soon but sometimes the patient dies so suddenly and unexpectedly and before you get a proper chance to say your goodbyes - this is what happened to me and therefore i think it has hurt me a lot more. She seems completely fine and dandy!

 

It's unusual for a woman to act like that. I had the same experience where he was totally fine after it was over (different circumstances, you can see my story) and it makes it a lot worse to see how little you mattered and were basically just used.

[Hbroken]

Can't leave the job?

 

Why are you chained to the desk, a slave.

a serf, what?

 

I am the head of my department and have garnered a huge amount of goodwill and respect in my time here. I guess it would not be impossible to move but i stand to lose everything i have ever worked for in my career.

[Hbroken]

It's unusual for a woman to act like that. I had the same experience where he was totally fine after it was over (different circumstances, you can see my story) and it makes it a lot worse to see how little you mattered and were basically just used.

 

I really respect your words midnight blue you are one of the few people here who are non-judgmental and empathic.

 

i find her actions unusual too because she essentially broke up with me because she wanted me to leave my family (i had never promised or even hinted at this) and be with her after she ended her primary relationship... one minute this person wants to be with you ...one text later they are completely over you and acting as if you are friends! I am amazed that a 5 year relationship can end like this and she can expect us to be conversational and friendly without any substantial NC period in the interim!

[starswewillnavigate]

I really respect your words midnight blue you are one of the few people here who are non-judgmental and empathic.

 

i find her actions unusual too because she essentially broke up with me because she wanted me to leave my family (i had never promised or even hinted at this) and be with her after she ended her primary relationship... one minute this person wants to be with you ...one text later they are completely over you and acting as if you are friends! I am amazed that a 5 year relationship can end like this and she can expect us to be conversational and friendly without any substantial NC period in the interim!

 

As you say, unusual for a woman to break it off like that, but could it be she has met someone else?

 

Btw your terminal patient analogy is spot on.

[Hbroken]

As you say, unusual for a woman to break it off like that, but could it be she has met someone else?

 

Btw your terminal patient analogy is spot on.

 

I have no idea:-(

she didn't seem so shallow as to get into a relationship immediately after a 7 y relationship with her bf and 5 year affair with me:-(

Who knows:(

[BigBlueSky]

I really respect your words midnight blue you are one of the few people here who are non-judgmental and empathic.

 

i find her actions unusual too because she essentially broke up with me because she wanted me to leave my family (i had never promised or even hinted at this) and be with her after she ended her primary relationship... one minute this person wants to be with you ...one text later they are completely over you and acting as if you are friends! I am amazed that a 5 year relationship can end like this and she can expect us to be conversational and friendly without any substantial NC period in the interim!

 

If what you say is true, I doubt she is having an easy time with this.

 

However, since you were never intending to walk away from your marriage, this was the only outcome of your relationship with her. I know it's painful and heartbreaking for you. And I'm sure she is suffering in her own way.

 

I think it's great that you've only managed to run into her a couple of times the past many weeks. Already some great suggestions have been made. Keep conversations short, turn away if you see her.

 

Watch your self-talk. You can get through this. It will be hard. But it will get better.

 

Have you read back2good's post? If not, you should look it up. I found it really insightful to ready his list of all of the positive things that he's gained back out of his affair ending (he was ghosted).

 

All the best to you. Today is a new day.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I really respect your words midnight blue you are one of the few people here who are non-judgmental and empathic.

 

i find her actions unusual too because she essentially broke up with me because she wanted me to leave my family (i had never promised or even hinted at this) and be with her after she ended her primary relationship... one minute this person wants to be with you ...one text later they are completely over you and acting as if you are friends! I am amazed that a 5 year relationship can end like this and she can expect us to be conversational and friendly without any substantial NC period in the interim!

 

Well I'm really the last person to throw stones at someone else.

 

I'd say that she is probably hurting like you but.....the fact that she was able to completely end it, still work at the same place and be normal after it is over...it just might not have meant as much to her as it did to you. She enjoyed it for what it was, like my xmm, and when it was done, he was over it in 5 seconds. For you, she is single, she can go meet new people, and it's easier to move on. When you are married, you cannot do that and you can't sit and wallow, you have to pretend that you are fine. I was not able to start to feel better till he was completely gone.

 

I understand you don't want to leave and neither did I. Looking back now, it's something my husband and I debate a lot, should I have left as soon as it was over and saved myself a year of follow-up misery? He says no because if you don't suffer, you don't learn and if you don't learn, you will go do it again. Plus of course there was the magical moment when his wife found the truth out, that would not have happened if I had left.

 

Your situation is different as your wife I am assuming does not know. That being said above, I was ready to leave and almost out the door when she caught what he was doing. I had had enough and it was time. So I would give it 6 months and if you don't feel better, assume you are not going to feel better until you leave and never see her again.

 

And you know I'm going to say this. You need to take a look at your marriage and see what is wrong and either fix it or scrap it. 5 years is a long time to have a relationship on the side. It will take a lot of work to repair your marriage, you need to decide if it is what you want.

[Chica80]

I have no idea:-(

she didn't seem so shallow as to get into a relationship immediately after a 7 y relationship with her bf and 5 year affair with me:-(

Who knows:(

 

 

I'm sorry OP I'm going to be brutally honest.

 

What is it that you expect from her? You were never going to leave your marraige. She knew that.

My AP, and I work together very closely together. There was never any faking. I knew what I was getting in to. Did I hope for a different outcome of course I did. I love him, I want to be with him and share my life with him......BUT that is not going to happen . So am I suposed to sit around and mope, and cry and tell him how much I miss him. Or how many times I just sit and randomly cry?

 

Nope!! He made his choice and I have to make mine. I'm friendly because I don't need him to know how sad I am. For what purpose. In the past that only "brings us back together" it's time to go forward.

 

And yes I'm dating. It's a distraction but you know what I can, I am single he is not.

 

Maybe you should try to figure out how you can carry on a double life and relationship for so long.

You want her to be sad and miss you because you are stuck. Whatever brought you here is still here. Whatever your reasons are are still the same.

And maybe it pains you because she is moving on with her life but your still in the same place with no changes.

[Bbz106]

I am a MM and my OW decided to call it quits 2 months ago because she felt she couldn't wait any longer. I had never said I'd leave my wife. She was previously in unsatisfying LTR and so the A worked for both of us but then she ended her relationship but I wasn't unhappy enough to end mine so our relationship ended. Since then I've never contacted her and I have accepted her decision as it was for the best. The problem is that we work in the same building and therefore try as hard as I may to avoid her we inevitable bump into each other and this happened again yesterday. I had managed to avoid her successfully for 5 weeks prior to yesterday. So she came up and said 'hi stranger.. What are you doing here?'

Me: I just had to pick up some papers (true)

Her: did you go to the party last Friday

Me:which party?

Her: so and so's party

Me: no.. I don't think I was invited

Her: yes you definitely were... I saw on facebook

Me: oh ok I haven't checked facebook for ages. Did you go?

Her: no I went to see Amber (a mutual friend) and she gave me a lift down to London

Me: cool... By this time someone came to talk to her and I got up and left

 

And suddenly all my progress for the past 8 weeks seemed undone and I felt sad and tearful.

 

I can't leave my job and can't expect her to leave here

And I am just not sure how I can manage like this. She seemed pretty calm and collected as did I (although I was really struggling inside)

Surely we can't go on like this? To my mind I can't see my progress becoming derailed like this...I could try and keep avoiding her but that is also quite anxiety inducing in itself:-( Has anyone been in this situation and how did you deal with it?

 

 

 

Just my 2 cents here...

 

I was the "other woman" for lack of a better term. He was separated and when he got back with his wife, I told him I could no longer play this game. Although it was not as long as yours and definitely not as intense, I developed strong feeling for him and became attached. So after months of this and suddenly trying to go NC it hurt like hell. Every time I saw him I would open the wound and not even realize I was doing it. BUT from day 1, I acted like I was completely fine because if I didn't, I would break down and my job is extremely important to me. It still hurts and it's been months. I finally realized that having full on conversations with him was only prolonging the pain. I started to keep my distance and only hello and goodbye. It definitely helped.

 

So my point -just because she's acting fine doesn't mean she is. It's also not good for you to think she is hurting because it might draw you back like it did me. You need to close that door as hard as it is believe me I know and I feel for you. It is difficult and probably one of the hardest things I had to do , but you will get through it as long as you put in that extra effort to stay away.

[BreakingWave]

one minute this person wants to be with you ...one text later they are completely over you and acting as if you are friends! I am amazed that a 5 year relationship can end like this and she can expect us to be conversational and friendly without any substantial NC period in the interim!

 

I relate completely; dealing with a very similar situation (though the background is different) with an xAP who seems to want to go back to being casual friends despite confessing a couple of weeks ago that she "still loves me" but "doesn't want to stand in my way of real happiness." It just shows you that two people can experience the same relationship very differently - one person puts a lot more importance and significance on it than another.

 

Hbroken, I can tell from your posts that you truly did love your OW and that you're taking the breakup very hard. That being said, may I ask why you never considered leaving your wife? Please understand I am asking without any judgment - the huge (and mostly recent) presence of a number of xBSs on this board who only ever post judgment and negativity is a large reason I stopped posting nearly as often. I'm just curious about how/why you decided to remain married despite being obviously in love with someone else.

[BourneWicked]

I'm in a very similar situation, with the added 'benefit' of long distance. Like you, I can leave my job. Like you, probably, finding something comparable in benefits, pay, etc, would be a pretty tough challenge, never mind erasing all the good relationships you have with coworkers you didn't have romantic relationships with...

 

I get her closing that door. Probably, she desperately hopes you will come and bust it down and make the changes needed to be together. From what you said, it sounds like that is not part of the plan.

 

It took her five years... it took me most of one (likely the distance helped me figure it out a little quicker) to realize loving someone, caring about someone, wanting someone, doesn't mean you will ever get to be with that someone. Not all, but most women, who spend a lot of time with a man and sleep with him want to be his. Not his cake, but his everything.

 

Likely, she's been feeling this pain you're feeling for a while. Realizing it's not going anywhere, that her fairytale has hit a brick wall of a dead end. Yeah, she knew it wasn't going anywhere. But deep down, she hoped you were seeing something in her that made you want to turn the tide to make it happen.

 

Sorry you're having a rough time. And maybe this isn't what she's feeling at all right now, but it's where I'm at.

 

I guess.. there are reasons you are staying in your marriage. The best you can do is reaffirm those, and keep doing as you are. The more time passes, the more distance, the easier it will be if the same happens again.

 

Or so I've been told...

[shellybing]

We'll first of all, I cannot even begin to tell you how wrong cheating is.

 

But, for the problem at hand - I would suggest first coming clean with your wife before she opens up to your wife about it.

 

Because this lady sounds a little stalker-ish - and that might become a problem, especially if you end up having to get police involved.

 

It's time to face the music.

[road]

I am the head of my department and have garnered a huge amount of goodwill and respect in my time here. I guess it would not be impossible to move but i stand to lose everything i have ever worked for in my career.

 

So you can not be head some where else?

 

So you can not get an even higher position some

where else?

 

So you can not develop good will some where else?

 

So you will not be respected some where else?

 

Life has consequences. You had no problem banging

this woman. So why are you complaining about facing

your consequences and paying the price now for you

had your fun?

 

You also choose to ignore that having an affair with a

co-worker just adds to the problems afterwards.

 

I suggest the way you ignored the potential problems

before you banged her that you ignore the things that

are bothering you now after you are done banging her.

 

You ignored reality then.

 

You ignore reality now.