When NC is not possible

[MidnightBlue1980]

We'll first of all, I cannot even begin to tell you how wrong cheating is.

 

But, for the problem at hand - I would suggest first coming clean with your wife before she opens up to your wife about it.

 

Because this lady sounds a little stalker-ish - and that might become a problem, especially if you end up having to get police involved.

 

It's time to face the music.

 

Stalker? Police? She ended it and has not contacted him for weeks. She is clearly over it and moved on.

 

I'm pretty sure OP is aware cheating is wrong. I sense no risk the woman has any interest in contacting the wife.

[Superluminal]

Hbroken...I feel your pain (and anxiety....and stress). I'm in the same situation, albeit only a few weeks into my split from my MM. I take every precaution available to avoid him at work, knowing that even a glimpse will derail whatever progress I've made. You're right...it's exhausting.

 

During our last conversation when he told me he was going to reconcile with his wife, he asked that I "not be a stranger". I told him no. There can be nothing between us. I'm glad that I was able to set that boundry. I can only assume that perhaps he wanted to keep some small means of potential connection with me or an attempt to lessen his guilt over his decision? I'll never know.

 

I think you got some good advice, especially the one where you excuse yourself every time she tries to make a connection. I would hope that over time, she would eventually realize that you're not available to her anymore and drift away.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sucks. Hang in there.

[Origin]

I hate comments that say "yes you can leave your job" and I see so many of those in so many other topics and that is complete bs. Sometimes YOU CAN LEAVE but it's not the most sane/smartest thing to do. I make 6-figures and I need every penny as I'm supporting my parents(and myself so that's two mortgages), I cannot simply find a job that easily that would pay me 6-figures, I'd have to take a huge pay cut honestly and I CANT DO THAT. Just because you can do something doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. Can I go jump off a bridge?? Yes of course, but I won't like the end result, so those comments "are you chained" or whatever are not really helping anybody AT ALL.

 

 

I'm dealing with the same situation as you at my work. It's a nightmare as I had to change everything in my daily work life so I don't run into her and I still sometimes do. It's hard, especially when she tries to make small talk, be friendly and whatnot and all I want is to be left alone.

 

It's amazing how they all wanna be friends after its over.

 

 

My advice is to be polite and just keep it moving when you do run into her. NO SMALL TALK, pretend you're busy and walk away. This MAY trigger her so expect a salvo of messages/emails, you just gotta stand your ground.

 

Good luck,

Edited August 31, 2017 by Origin

[Hbroken]

Apologies for this post. I dont have access to the journal but i needed to put this somewhere safe where i could look at it from time to time to gain strength. After many many weeks, i am finally getting to the stage where i am beginning to get some clarity. I thank you for all your posts. I am a flawed person and i need to recognise this and take responsibility for this and i will.

 

31st Aug

 

Today, I have finally come to the unbearable decision to let go.

 

Let go of everything. My hopes, my expectations, my disappointment, my anger and resentment. Most of all i need to let go of my ego. Its been over 2 months and it has been the hardest 2 months of my life. I have never felt so conflicted, so confused, so bereft, so abandoned. Whilst I tried to hold my head up high and act as if i was comfortable walking away somewhere I longed for compassion but also control after the sudden breakup.

 

I am deeply sad that something which was more than an A but a friendship has ended without closure. Without the chance for me to say that I deserved more compassion for what I had contributed. I wish I could have said that I deserved more than a text message for 5 years of my investment. It was not to be. I hate to admit it but more than anything it was my ego that took a battering.

 

2 months of my life, my headspace have been devoted to figuring someone else out, their actions, their words, why they chose to do what they did. Whilst I chose to maintain a calm exterior somewhere my ego was plotting – could I cause pain back, could I somehow win… the truth is that the problem is within me.

 

The truth is that I cant control anyone else. The truth is that I will never know the truth. The truth is that I still wanted something from someone else and they have no obligation to give it to me. It is also true to say these feelings could have been caused by anyone. There was nothing special about this particular person. They did what they needed to do for themselves. They pampered my ego by their presence but perhaps the relationship had died a long time ago. They did not fulfil my emotional needs towards the end and neither did I connect with them the way I used to do. This is the truth and was very apparent even when they existed in my life.

 

I have to accept reality and truly move on. I can only do so by forgiving them and myself and being grateful for all that I am left with. Yes my ego has taken a battering. Yes I feel sad but I don’t need another person to behave in a certain way to make me feel better. I have gone through the grief and it will still stay me for a few more months. I will need to look after myself first and foremost. I will need to protect myself from more injury. I will need to concentrate on being a better person. I will need to learn from this that perhaps the way to avoid conflict is to face it head on and not run from it and bear resentment.

 

This person owes me no explanation. They have their own conscience and their own values. Perhaps those are not aligned with my own. I don’t need to worry or occupy myself with thoughts about what they will do in their future life or whether they will love another like they would love me … this is my ego’s desire. I need to be more than my ego. It doesn’t really matter. Once you let go, nothing really matters – only you and those close to you at this point in time.

 

From today, I will not plot

From today i will actively try and discard ego thoughts and replace them with constructive thoughts that will add value to my life when realised.

From today, I will not do anything other than be myself.

From today, I will decide that I am enough and I don’t need anyone else’s validation to make me feel better

From today, i will be honest about my needs and expectations from those close to me

From today, I will walk away and be indifferent. From today I will not try to cross paths with her. From today I will look for happiness within me and within my life rather than from someone else.

[shellybing]

Stalker? Police? She ended it and has not contacted him for weeks. She is clearly over it and moved on.

 

I'm pretty sure OP is aware cheating is wrong. I sense no risk the woman has any interest in contacting the wife.

 

I had gathered that she showed up at some place talking about a party she knew he was at? That is a red flag for me. . .

[shellybing]

I am a MM and my OW decided to call it quits 2 months ago because she felt she couldn't wait any longer. I had never said I'd leave my wife. She was previously in unsatisfying LTR and so the A worked for both of us but then she ended her relationship but I wasn't unhappy enough to end mine so our relationship ended. Since then I've never contacted her and I have accepted her decision as it was for the best. The problem is that we work in the same building and therefore try as hard as I may to avoid her we inevitable bump into each other and this happened again yesterday. I had managed to avoid her successfully for 5 weeks prior to yesterday. So she came up and said 'hi stranger.. What are you doing here?'

Me: I just had to pick up some papers (true)

Her: did you go to the party last Friday

Me:which party?

Her: so and so's party

Me: no.. I don't think I was invited

Her: yes you definitely were... I saw on facebook

Me: oh ok I haven't checked facebook for ages. Did you go?

Her: no I went to see Amber (a mutual friend) and she gave me a lift down to London

Me: cool... By this time someone came to talk to her and I got up and left

 

And suddenly all my progress for the past 8 weeks seemed undone and I felt sad and tearful.

 

I can't leave my job and can't expect her to leave here

And I am just not sure how I can manage like this. She seemed pretty calm and collected as did I (although I was really struggling inside)

Surely we can't go on like this? To my mind I can't see my progress becoming derailed like this...I could try and keep avoiding her but that is also quite anxiety inducing in itself:-( Has anyone been in this situation and how did you deal with it?

 

I know that it is only one incident, but I would have to guess that someone usually ends up coming clean.

 

She could have met someone else as well, but maybe it is something entirely different. Is she pregnant? Maybe she is going to have a baby and doesn't want you to find out, given you are married.

 

I understand NC, but if you are NC it is typically for a good reason.

[pheonixrisen]

I really respect your words midnight blue you are one of the few people here who are non-judgmental and empathic.

 

i find her actions unusual too because she essentially broke up with me because she wanted me to leave my family (i had never promised or even hinted at this) and be with her after she ended her primary relationship... one minute this person wants to be with you ...one text later they are completely over you and acting as if you are friends! I am amazed that a 5 year relationship can end like this and she can expect us to be conversational and friendly without any substantial NC period in the interim!

 

I am a bit surprised nobody has touched this .

 

You did not plan to leave your wife or promised her such ...but you are looking for a relation ship outside your marriage and putting an ow through misery (Yes she is responsible too)

 

What exactly do you want... have extra marital affair where the ow should be her status quo while you enjoy going back and forth ..

 

Instead of focusing what's missing in you and your marriage and sorting it out ...you are concerned about how could she just drop you and move on over a text ....would it be better for you ..that she suffered but stayed.

 

Get your self sorted out so you don't make another ow go through this ..instead of focusing on bumping into her in corridors ...she has every right to dump you and pick up her life and move on don't grudge her her doing better ...

 

Sort your self out .

[elaine567]

31st Aug

 

Today, I have finally come to the unbearable decision to let go.

 

...I have to accept reality and truly move on.

 

...From today, I will not plot

From today i will actively try and discard ego thoughts and replace them with constructive thoughts that will add value to my life when realised.

From today, I will not do anything other than be myself.

From today, I will decide that I am enough and I don’t need anyone else’s validation to make me feel better

From today, i will be honest about my needs and expectations from those close to me

From today, I will walk away and be indifferent. From today I will not try to cross paths with her.

From today I will look for happiness within me and within my life rather than from someone else.

 

I am very glad to see this post from you, you were in danger of "wallowing", but now you seem to be getting yourself out of that muddy waterhole.

Good.

[Hbroken]

I am a bit surprised nobody has touched this .

 

You did not plan to leave your wife or promised her such ...but you are looking for a relation ship outside your marriage and putting an ow through misery (Yes she is responsible too)

 

What exactly do you want... have extra marital affair where the ow should be her status quo while you enjoy going back and forth ..

 

Instead of focusing what's missing in you and your marriage and sorting it out ...you are concerned about how could she just drop you and move on over a text ....would it be better for you ..that she suffered but stayed.

 

Get your self sorted out so you don't make another ow go through this ..instead of focusing on bumping into her in corridors ...she has every right to dump you and pick up her life and move on don't grudge her her doing better ...

 

Sort your self out .

 

A) she was essentially a married woman for 5 y... She was not an OW for 5 years. She had a long term bf who she had planned a future with... When she broke up with him she decided she needed to move on.. And so I let her.. I am not quite sure what you are berating me about...

B) I am trying to focus on myself. I am trying to sort myself out. I don't want an extramarital affair anymore... I accept I erred... I am trying to get onto the road to recovery...I am not quite sure what point you are making!

[road]

I hate comments that say "yes you can leave your job" and I see so many of those in so many other topics and that is complete bs. Sometimes YOU CAN LEAVE but it's not the most sane/smartest thing to do. I make 6-figures and I need every penny as I'm supporting my parents(and myself so that's two mortgages), I cannot simply find a job that easily that would pay me 6-figures, I'd have to take a huge pay cut honestly and I CANT DO THAT. Just because you can do something doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. Can I go jump off a bridge?? Yes of course, but I won't like the end result, so those comments "are you chained" or whatever are not really helping anybody AT ALL.

 

 

I'm dealing with the same situation as you at my work. It's a nightmare as I had to change everything in my daily work life so I don't run into her and I still sometimes do. It's hard, especially when she tries to make small talk, be friendly and whatnot and all I want is to be left alone.

 

It's amazing how they all wanna be friends after its over.

 

 

My advice is to be polite and just keep it moving when you do run into her. NO SMALL TALK, pretend you're busy and walk away. This MAY trigger her so expect a salvo of messages/emails, you just gotta stand your ground.

 

Good luck,

 

So no one can apply to jobs, send out resumes, network?

 

When in a job employers see you as being worth hiring

because you are employed. Those out of work are

disadvantaged this way.

 

So you are saying that you can not eventually find

a job in a timely fashion?

 

Then what's wrong with you?

[knabe]

I had gathered that she showed up at some place talking about a party she knew he was at? That is a red flag for me. . .

 

No...they work at the same company and happened to pass in the hall. It's easy to understand when one reads the entire post.

[knabe]

So no one can apply to jobs, send out resumes, network?

 

When in a job employers see you as being worth hiring

because you are employed. Those out of work are

disadvantaged this way.

 

So you are saying that you can not eventually find

a job in a timely fashion?

 

Then what's wrong with you?

 

I think the poster objected to the idea that you just up and quit without having another job lined up...which some people actually suggest....which is always stupid.

[somanymistakes]

Up and quitting your job is generally stupid.

 

But IMO it's also stupid to say that you "can't" quit your job, because that muddies the issue. You could quit, it's just that it would be a stupid thing to do and have messy consequences. So then you start looking at those consequences, like how bad are they, is there any way you can mitigate them, and so on. It helps you start thinking about things in a logical fashion.

 

It's the same sort of thing with "I can't leave my wife", it's a too-quick answer that avoids you really looking at the details of your relationship and figuring out what parts of it matter to you and how you might be able to handle them.

[knabe]

Up and quitting your job is generally stupid.

 

But IMO it's also stupid to say that you "can't" quit your job, because that muddies the issue. You could quit, it's just that it would be a stupid thing to do and have messy consequences. So then you start looking at those consequences, like how bad are they, is there any way you can mitigate them, and so on. It helps you start thinking about things in a logical fashion.

 

It's the same sort of thing with "I can't leave my wife", it's a too-quick answer that avoids you really looking at the details of your relationship and figuring out what parts of it matter to you and how you might be able to handle them.

 

But even then, you don't just up and walk into the living room and say "I want a divorce" and leave.

 

You don't just walk in and hand in your notice and assume you can pay your family's electric bill the next month.

 

And yet irresponsible strangers on the internet will tell someone to end their family's only source of income immediately. I've seen it happen.

 

These people are irresponsible and stupid.

[pheonixrisen]

A) she was essentially a married woman for 5 y... She was not an OW for 5 years. She had a long term bf who she had planned a future with... When she broke up with him she decided she needed to move on.. And so I let her.. I am not quite sure what you are berating me about...

B) I am trying to focus on myself. I am trying to sort myself out. I don't want an extramarital affair anymore... I accept I erred... I am trying to get onto the road to recovery...I am not quite sure what point you are making!

 

The point is...

 

Sort your self out

Sort your marriage out .

 

You did not stop the affair .she did .

 

When you post in a public forum .be open to all kind of opinion and feedback the one you asked for and The one you did not take what you can and rest you can ignore ...its not berating just because it's a different feedback or point of view .

[MidlifeMama]

I feel your pain! 8 years. Long distance A, married almost 25 and struggling to end a marriage to a good man, but no sexual connection. I keep saying I need to end both relationships and I am struggling to do either.

 

The OM seems to be able to let go so easily after we have been together. I don't understand. I guess it is just sex to him, but 8 years? It's so painful because I want that type of sexual connection in my marriage, but it has never been there, yet I have half my life wrapped up in a marriage that is decent though lacking that.

I'm so confused and hurting myself and my H, though he is unaware, I know he realizes I am not in the marriage 100%.

 

How do you walk away? Cold turkey? I guess so. How is it easier for one person in the situation than the other? You say you never intended to leave your wife, but you still formed an emotional connection to the OW? I wonder if my OM had feelings at all for me or just sexual? He didn't want to leave his LTR either and I have been on the fence for years.

 

I guess I am curious as you didn't want to leave, and now she's free but you still don't want to leave but you are very hurt. Can a man in this situation really have feelings for the OW? Sounds like you did and do.

[ladydesigner]

NC is always possible. You do not need to engage in any conversation. Walk away!

[aileD]

No contact is always possible

[BourneWicked]

I disagree...

 

Without leaving my job or looking like a complete wacko at work, NC is not possible for me.

 

Low contact, and minimizing any non-work related discussion is possible. Honestly, NC would be easier and less painful. OP, if you can make it happen, do it. Otherwise the suggestions others made to cut the conversation off where it started were good.

[MidnightBlue1980]

But even then, you don't just up and walk into the living room and say "I want a divorce" and leave.

 

You don't just walk in and hand in your notice and assume you can pay your family's electric bill the next month.

 

And yet irresponsible strangers on the internet will tell someone to end their family's only source of income immediately. I've seen it happen.

 

These people are irresponsible and stupid.

 

It's not that most of us are irresponsible and stupid, it's that we've tried it all and know it Does Not Work. You simply cannot feel better if you have any contact with the other person, assuming of course that you are not like many of the people posted about, who never really cared. If it was just fun, you will be okay. But if you dove in with all your heart and soul, you just have to cut your losses and leave.

 

Don't think I don't get it, I do. Read my posts. But if a doctor said - you need to leave your job or you will die, I bet you would figure it out. OR - tomorrow you go to work and they say, sorry, we have to let you go, you would figure it out. It really is just a job, employment at will, and it can be gone tomorrow.

 

It sucks. Of course. But there are consequences to actions. Next time, you learn.

[Sarcasm]

I really respect your words midnight blue you are one of the few people here who are non-judgmental and empathic.

 

i find her actions unusual too because she essentially broke up with me because she wanted me to leave my family (i had never promised or even hinted at this) and be with her after she ended her primary relationship... one minute this person wants to be with you ...one text later they are completely over you and acting as if you are friends! I am amazed that a 5 year relationship can end like this and she can expect us to be conversational and friendly without any substantial NC period in the interim!

 

You don't have to let her go. Prepare a well thought out story to her that you are planning to leave your marriage, but don't. Make sure you come up with believable reasons beforehand so you are ready for any questions she could ask in the near future. Just keep postponing. This way, you'll be able to extend your relationship with her, while still be with your family.

[shellybing]

You don't have to leave your job, but I would suggest coming clean to your wife, if you would like to keep your family. This will all come tumbling down in the future, eventually.

[Hbroken]

This is proving the hardest thing in the world. Her behaviour towards me is so inconsistent! Sometimes she will come and speak to me as if we are friends..sometimes she will see me in the corridor and give me a big smile. Yesterday we both bumped into each other in a corridor heading to the steps..she mumbled a hi and then seemed so uncomfortable to be around me! So so infuriating... I wanted to say to her that we both need to be consistent with our behaviours if we are going to get by this and remain in the same workplace... I feel so so out of control...everyday is different...I try my hardest to stay away from any common places but what does one do in this setting? I am now almost tempted to leave my job and risk disrupting everything I have worked towards in my career?

Do you think I should speak with her and ask her how she feels we can make this work so that we can both survive in the same workplace?

Again I have no idea whether she will even choose to engage in such a conversation!

[Hbroken]

I relate completely; dealing with a very similar situation (though the background is different) with an xAP who seems to want to go back to being casual friends despite confessing a couple of weeks ago that she "still loves me" but "doesn't want to stand in my way of real happiness." It just shows you that two people can experience the same relationship very differently - one person puts a lot more importance and significance on it than another.

 

Hbroken, I can tell from your posts that you truly did love your OW and that you're taking the breakup very hard. That being said, may I ask why you never considered leaving your wife? Please understand I am asking without any judgment - the huge (and mostly recent) presence of a number of xBSs on this board who only ever post judgment and negativity is a large reason I stopped posting nearly as often. I'm just curious about how/why you decided to remain married despite being obviously in love with someone else.

 

 

Thanks ..I do care a lot for her. I don't know how much of it is love and how much of it is limerence... I do recall thinking one day that I think this relationship has run its course now...so I am sure I was emotionally checking out already... now that the affair is over, I don't miss sex or the daily chore of texting this really unhappy person (who was getting increasingly unhappy with her own primary relationship)....I do miss talking to her..she was like my best friend and also I think my ego has taken a real hit....

 

I decided to remain married because I don't think I was unhappy enough to leave..I never got into the affair with the intention of leaving my family...I was bored and maybe going through a midlife crisis and loved the attention...I have kids and my wife has matured considerably since the affair started ...so some of the resentments I had when the affair started no longer exist...plus I have never known my OW outside of the affair... so even though the affair went on for 5 years, the truth is that the actual time we spent physically in each others company together in those 5 years is probably less than 30 days....so very hard to give up what you know for something that you don't really know at all:-(

[Chica80]

This is proving the hardest thing in the world. Her behaviour towards me is so inconsistent! Sometimes she will come and speak to me as if we are friends..sometimes she will see me in the corridor and give me a big smile. Yesterday we both bumped into each other in a corridor heading to the steps..she mumbled a hi and then seemed so uncomfortable to be around me! So so infuriating... I wanted to say to her that we both need to be consistent with our behaviours if we are going to get by this and remain in the same workplace... I feel so so out of control...everyday is different...I try my hardest to stay away from any common places but what does one do in this setting? I am now almost tempted to leave my job and risk disrupting everything I have worked towards in my career?

Do you think I should speak with her and ask her how she feels we can make this work so that we can both survive in the same workplace?

Again I have no idea whether she will even choose to engage in such a conversation!

 

I don't think you should talk to her.

Start a journal whatever you want to say to her write it there like if you were talking to her.

 

You have to decide what is more important your healing, your career. Start taking the steps to look for something else.

It was five yrs. That's a long time. You will find a new normal just wrk through it, not a shortcut or around it but through it.