When NC is not possible

[Hbroken]

Actually, I'd realise that I'd been kidding myself, because this guy who claims to love me, has never mentioned or promised to leave his wife and think how many more years do I want to waste on a relationship that's going nowhere fast.

 

When she left her relationship, it created an imbalance...she no longer has to sneak around because of her BF.

 

She came to her senses and did the right thing. Maybe not doing it in person wasn't great, but like I said, she was protecting herself.

 

Now she's single she can find a proper relationship. She did the right thing....I know you may not see it that way, but in a few months or years, you could have a different view with self discovery.

 

I have no doubt that she did the right thing and I don't miss the affair at all. I am sure that I feel very resentful about how she did it and that makes me angry and in some ways holds me back. I wanted her to finish it because it no longer would have worked for either of us if she were single and me married. I think I'd have been fine with everything except the immense hurt I felt when it was done by text. I have decided that I will speak with her and tell her that whilst I am trying to do the right thing by all of us by keeping my distance, I need her to know that I was hurt by the way she chose to do it and unless I can get this off my chest I will not be able to really move on whilst wishing her well. I am not angry but I just can't get rid of this resentment. I had secretly hoped that one day she's come and say to me herself that it was not the right way to do it but I can't keep waiting forever.... It'd make it much easier for me to get on in the same place of work because emotionally I had checked out of the affair many months ago... It was simply the nature of the end.... Like looking after someone you know is dying for months and one day you find out that they were suddenly murdered... Outcome inevitable... But the method very painful to digest .... I don't think it is unfair to tell someone who causes you hurt (even unintentionally) that they caused you hurt. Everything else I am ok with. I am not jealous, I am not grieving as much... I am getting counselling and have started working on my issues... Esp conflict avoidance and disease to please and as I explore these issues I get angry with myself that I didn't tell her at the time that she hurt me... I was a coward and maybe hoped that being all nice about it she's think more of me in the long run.. Now I think I just need to do it and move on

[elaine567]

The fact it was done by text hurt your ego.

Affairs are often about power and control.

YOU like many MM felt in control, you decide whether you have an OW, you decide when you can see her, you decide how serious it all gets, you decide whether you will leave your wife or not.

She waits in the wings for YOUR decisions.

BUT here you chose the wrong OW, she was not some single woman who spent her time longing for you, she was a woman with a long term bf and eventually an agenda. She probably used you as a KISA and an emotional strut until she finally got the courage up to leave her bf.

She dumps the bf and as you were then surplus to requirements, she dumps you too.

 

NOW at work SHE decides whether she speaks to you or not and every day your lack of power and control over the matter is eating you alive.

YOU need to get her back at heel, but your position is weak and you know it and it frustrates the hell out of you.

She summarily dismissed you and you did/do not like it one bit.

 

Leave your ego at the door, you messed up and now you need to be the bigger man here.

Let it go.

[sandylee1]

I agree with Elaine. The loss of power is a part of this.

 

The crazy thing is that by approaching her, you give her even more power. It will show her you're still into her, because it wouldn't bother you otherwise. You'll just be seen as a whiney MM, who is unhappy about not having his OW.

 

 

Now you say you'd checked out of the affair, so you were never going to leave your wife.... your exOW has moved on and you need to do the same.

 

So you're hurt...that's par for the course with affairs.

 

So she ended it by text ...she wasn't rude or nasty about it. Just factual.

 

Focus on your marriage and let sleeping dogs lie or you may really regret it.

[Chica80]

The fact it was done by text hurt your ego.

Affairs are often about power and control.

YOU like many MM felt in control, you decide whether you have an OW, you decide when you can see her, you decide how serious it all gets, you decide whether you will leave your wife or not.

She waits in the wings for YOUR decisions.

BUT here you chose the wrong OW, she was not some single woman who spent her time longing for you, she was a woman with a long term bf and eventually an agenda. She probably used you as a KISA and an emotional strut until she finally got the courage up to leave her bf.

She dumps the bf and as you were then surplus to requirements, she dumps you too.

 

NOW at work SHE decides whether she speaks to you or not and every day your lack of power and control over the matter is eating you alive.

YOU need to get her back at heel, but your position is weak and you know it and it frustrates the hell out of you.

She summarily dismissed you and you did/do not like it one bit.

 

Leave your ego at the door, you messed up and now you need to be the bigger man here.

Let it go.

 

 

This!!!! I couldn't have said it better myself!!!

 

OP I hope when you talk to her your OW has truly gained some distance because this will set her back and hurt her tremendously....but hey that's ok, as long as YOU get what you need, that's all that's ever mattered anyway.....

[Chica80]

OP I will tell you that if it wasn't for details I would swear that you are my MM. When I read the things you write some days it truly truly triggers me. Because I could not always relate to other posters or stories, because we were different "our story" was different.

But when I read your post nope.....it's not. Your post have truly helped in my healing. I thank you for that. Because it helps me see things about him I didn't want to see or acknowledge.

 

I don't blame him at all. I don't think he's a bad person there's still love.but not for me. Not this way.

Edited September 14, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Chica80]

He reached out the other day...it's the pattern.

But I said this is unhealthy for both of us. We all deserve more.

 

I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me. Who doesn't lie and keep me a secret.

 

His wife deserves someone who is honest, open. And doesn't share intimacies thinking they're the only one.

 

He deserves to be in a relationship where he can show all the parts of himself and not have love associated with guilt and feeling $h***y about himself.

 

 

I love him maybe alwaus will who knows......but í do know love shouldn't feel this waY feel this way.

[What_Did_I_Do]

I have no doubt that she did the right thing and I don't miss the affair at all. I am sure that I feel very resentful about how she did it and that makes me angry and in some ways holds me back. I wanted her to finish it because it no longer would have worked for either of us if she were single and me married. I think I'd have been fine with everything except the immense hurt I felt when it was done by text. I have decided that I will speak with her and tell her that whilst I am trying to do the right thing by all of us by keeping my distance, I need her to know that I was hurt by the way she chose to do it and unless I can get this off my chest I will not be able to really move on whilst wishing her well. I am not angry but I just can't get rid of this resentment. I had secretly hoped that one day she's come and say to me herself that it was not the right way to do it but I can't keep waiting forever.... It'd make it much easier for me to get on in the same place of work because emotionally I had checked out of the affair many months ago... It was simply the nature of the end.... Like looking after someone you know is dying for months and one day you find out that they were suddenly murdered... Outcome inevitable... But the method very painful to digest .... I don't think it is unfair to tell someone who causes you hurt (even unintentionally) that they caused you hurt. Everything else I am ok with. I am not jealous, I am not grieving as much... I am getting counselling and have started working on my issues... Esp conflict avoidance and disease to please and as I explore these issues I get angry with myself that I didn't tell her at the time that she hurt me... I was a coward and maybe hoped that being all nice about it she's think more of me in the long run.. Now I think I just need to do it and move on

 

Well life just isn't fair sometimes.

 

OP, and ditto to Sunshine's and Elaine's comments, the A really is about ego. You have shed some badly needed light on answers I was looking for. See, it was all about YOU (xmm). As long as the MM controls the A, then he can enjoy the sex, ego boosts and affirmations until he tires of living the double life. Then, by golly, the AP must be removed from his life so he can continue with the comforts of his M. If you read the stories here, most of us OW have been dismissed in some form or another - whether by d-day or the MM claiming he wants to work on his M, or can't leave for a host of reasons etc. It takes a strong AP to walk away after 5 years. Kudos to her. Wish I did that YEARS ago. Live and learn.

 

Count your blessings your xAP just ended the A via text. She could have sent a letter to your W with pages of evidence.

[Hbroken]

He reached out the other day...it's the pattern.

But I said this is unhealthy for both of us. We all deserve more.

 

I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me. Who doesn't lie and keep me a secret.

 

His wife deserves someone who is honest, open. And doesn't share intimacies thinking they're the only one.

 

He deserves to be in a relationship where he can show all the parts of himself and not have love associated with guilt and feeling $h***y about himself.

 

 

I love him maybe alwaus will who knows......but í do know love shouldn't feel this waY feel this way.

 

And this is why you should choose to be empathic... Rather than being so judgemental.... We are all flawed and part of the reason to post on here is so that people who have faced similar darkness come and say ' we know how you may be feeling and we don't know how it must for you in your position right now be but you are not alone and we understand your pain' rather 'you are selfish .. Be a man.. Be this.. Be that'

 

When you were sleeping with your married man and so conflicted what would you have wanted? Empathy or someone calling you a selfish cow?

 

May be work on your empathy and you will be an even more wonderful future partner for someone

[Hbroken]

Well life just isn't fair sometimes.

 

OP, and ditto to Sunshine's and Elaine's comments, the A really is about ego. You have shed some badly needed light on answers I was looking for. See, it was all about YOU (xmm). As long as the MM controls the A, then he can enjoy the sex, ego boosts and affirmations until he tires of living the double life. Then, by golly, the AP must be removed from his life so he can continue with the comforts of his M. If you read the stories here, most of us OW have been dismissed in some form or another - whether by d-day or the MM claiming he wants to work on his M, or can't leave for a host of reasons etc. It takes a strong AP to walk away after 5 years. Kudos to her. Wish I did that YEARS ago. Live and learn.

 

Count your blessings your xAP just ended the A via text. She could have sent a letter to your W with pages of evidence.

 

Quite right.. Life ain't fair... But you learn with every experience.... You need to let go of your bitterness towards your own MM which is clearly demostrable from your post towards me... I agree about ego... And maybe somewhere in your post there is a hint of your ego hurting. I agree that the OW gets left with nothing but many do (and MM get their comeuppance too) and life ain't fair anyways... please understand we are all flawed (I doubt anyone on this site isn't), we all suffer in our own way, we all want to do the right thing and we will probably all will be ok in the end ... everypne loses and one day everyone finds their redemption... Just because today I find myself in this position and you are out of yours doesn't mean that the roles will not be reversed in the future... If they ever are come find me and I will hopefully show you what empathy looks like

[Bittersweetie]

I agree with Elaine, it's a power trip. In my own A my xMM dumped me the first time through an email. I was so angry and upset. How could he do that? Not have the courage to tell me to my face? So over months I kept reaching out, partly because I was still addicted and wanted a rush, and partly because I wanted to reel him back in and then break up with him myself. So he could hurt like I hurt.

 

That sounds crazy but it's true, though I didn't see my true motives until years later. Guess what, we did get back together. Got physical. Then he dumped me again by ghosting me which was even worse than an email.

 

Wanting to talk to her just go over this text thing is grasping. Like PP have said, many of whom have been OW themselves, leave her alone. Unless you are going to make wholesale changes to your life to be with her, there is no reason to reach out. You are a grown man who can deal with your anger and resentment yourself. Or talk with a therapist. You should start looking into some healthy coping skills.

 

Good luck.

[Vivir]

Hbroken,

 

Like I advised BreakingWave, I will reiterate that advice to you:

 

Processing your feelings is all part of the healing process itself. There are no shortcuts, and you'll have to navigate your way through it the best you can.

 

No Contact is mostly to heal oneself, to restore or incorporate a real boundary. It is not for the other person, to make them feel bad or good. It is for the enforcer's own sanity. It is quite painful to be "just friends" with someone in whom you have a romantic interest.

 

I would suggest you grieve the end, and understand that people are likely to do what is best for them (for instance, you refused to leave your marriage, as was your right).

 

I can sympathize with you, simply because you are processing the end of five-year-long affair with another person. My affair wasn't even half as long, and I can sympathize. Unfortunately, your words do trigger me, too.

 

I will share with you that I was deathly afraid to end my affair at first. He showed me interest. He showed me attention. He showed me affection. And he was beautiful. He talked to me for hours and hours. We got to know each other. When we were alone, we couldn't keep our hands off each other. I felt that I loved him. He might've been kind sometimes, but overall that didn't matter. The kindness I showed him didn't matter: we were hurting each other. I was helping him to hurt his wife (and in turn hurt himself). He had been helping me destroy my self-esteem. This was NOT characteristic of the "friendship" we claimed to have had. When I was with him, I was wholly unavailable for what I really wanted: a committed monogamous and mutually fulfilling relationship that wasn't a secret. It got to a point where both of us were having trouble sleeping and then struggling through our shifts at work. He had become a serial liar and I lied by omission.

 

I felt guilty as hell for breaking things off with him, mostly because I was afraid he would be upset/sad/mad and I was afraid of the aftermath (depression, loneliness, etc.) - even after I learned that he had hidden a baby from me that our other co-workers knew about. I told him over the phone, because I could not bear to see him in person. Whether or not I spoke to him or smiled at him or ignored him, when I saw him at all, I would end up bawling AT WORK - especially if he came to talk to me for ANY REASON! Real tears. I imagined he didn't care for my tears anyway. I mean, every day he went home to her and then I learned that they had had a baby! He was never leaving, no matter what he said!

 

I don't want to talk in circles.

 

You are processing and sharing your thoughts about things here, which actually help other people move forward in their own healing journeys. You are being advised against taking certain actions, because they are likely to be hurtful when you and she have already caused enough hurt.

 

As the married person, you caused her hurt by involving yourself and then not leaving your marriage. So many people think their responsibility ends when they say, "I told you I wasn't going to leave" or "I told you I didn't want a relationship." The person who hears this may or may not engage or continue engaging, but the person saying it also has a responsibility not to engage. But that ship has sailed. Engaging further may cause a backlash.

 

At any time, and in any relationship, a person can opt out. She opted out of the arrangement, as was her right. It is within your power to provide NO ACCESS. Take comfort in that.

[ladydesigner]

And this is why you should choose to be empathic...

If they ever are come find me and I will hopefully show you what empathy looks like

 

So much talk about empathy here. OP do you have any empathy for your wife?

[deadsoul]

I have no doubt that she did the right thing and I don't miss the affair at all. I am sure that I feel very resentful about how she did it and that makes me angry and in some ways holds me back. I wanted her to finish it because it no longer would have worked for either of us if she were single and me married. I think I'd have been fine with everything except the immense hurt I felt when it was done by text.

 

I got ghosted. So I got nothing. I would've preferred a text to that.

 

I have decided that I will speak with her and tell her that whilst I am trying to do the right thing by all of us by keeping my distance, I need her to know that I was hurt by the way she chose to do it and unless I can get this off my chest I will not be able to really move on whilst wishing her well.

 

I thought that would help me to "get it off my chest" and it made me feel worse. I confronted him and called him out on his crappy behavior.

 

 

I am not angry but I just can't get rid of this resentment. I had secretly hoped that one day she's come and say to me herself that it was not the right way to do it but I can't keep waiting forever.... It'd make it much easier for me to get on in the same place of work because emotionally I had checked out of the affair many months ago... It was simply the nature of the end.... Like looking after someone you know is dying for months and one day you find out that they were suddenly murdered... Outcome inevitable... But the method very painful to digest .... I don't think it is unfair to tell someone who causes you hurt (even unintentionally) that they caused you hurt. Everything else I am ok with. I am not jealous, I am not grieving as much... I am getting counselling and have started working on my issues... Esp conflict avoidance and disease to please and as I explore these issues I get angry with myself that I didn't tell her at the time that she hurt me... I was a coward and maybe hoped that being all nice about it she's think more of me in the long run.. Now I think I just need to do it and move on

 

Here are my thoughts... and take them with a grain of salt. I don't think it matters how one breaks up with us. It just feels crappy, no matter what. When it was done in such a crappy manner (i.e. text or ghosting), the one dumped feels like if that proper "closure" was done, we'd feel better. Here's what I'm learning... it doesn't.

 

Listen to Midnight blue and try hard to get out of that job so you don't have to see her. This is what is delaying your healing, not the way she broke up with you.

 

Midnight blue spoke a lot about us being hurt by the way we were treated because of our egos and I couldn't agree more with this. I took it as a personal rejection and felt something was wrong with me because he did that to me. It wasn't so much him I missed, it was the way he ended it. I kept thinking if he came back and told me he was sorry for the way he ended it and he cared about me blah blah blah, I would feel better.

 

But I don't think I would. I think the counseling is good. You are only 2 months out and not being able to go full NC is why you might feel stuck.

 

I just don't think talking to her is a good idea. You will ultimately do what you think is best, but the next time she tries to talk to you, I would just say, "No. Please don't." and walk away. She did what she needed to do to save herself. In your mind, thank her for the lessons she taught you and wish her well. And look for those lessons because they are there.

 

You will look back on this in about 6 months to a year and it will all look different. I promise. But you have to actively try to change your thinking. It's hard for me and I slip up sometimes.

[Doublegold]

"I have no doubt that she did the right thing and I don't miss the affair at all. I am sure that I feel very resentful about how she did it and that makes me angry and in some ways holds me back. I wanted her to finish it because it no longer would have worked for either of us if she were single and me married. I think I'd have been fine with everything except the immense hurt I felt when it was done by text."

 

"Methinks thou dost protest too much" William Shakespeare

[BreakingWave]

Vivir and Deadsoul are two of the most thoughtful, helpful posters on LS. Hbroken, I hope that you read their words and take as much comfort from their help as I have. I am in the midst of the final, real end of an affair that lasted almost a year with one of my best friends. The entire saga is available on my thread, I won't get into it here.

 

I will say this, though. The first time she "broke up" with me, she did it by ghosting - emotionally withdrawing until our contact was minimal and superficial. It killed me that she chose to end it in what I viewed as a thoughtless, nonchalant manner.

 

We've recently had a text conversation that lasted nearly eight hours. In it, we both said a lot of things we've been holding back. Now I know that she chose not to talk to me about it in person because the decision was tearing her up inside. She knew she wouldn't leave her family, she knew I wouldn't let go of hope unless she told me she didn't love me and didn't want me. She couldn't do that. She's in love with me. She just isn't willing to walk away from her life, her family, the home she's been building. She was afraid talking to me about it while she was making her decisions would have made it harder to do what she considered to be "the right thing for everyone." She said she didn't want to watch me as she broke my heart, and she didn't trust herself to go through with it.

 

My point in sharing this here is to let you know that Deadsoul is absolutely right. Whether you're dumped via ghosting, a text, a voice mail, or a marathon conversation that lasts hours and involves all the reasons and insight the other person can offer, getting dumped by someone you love ALWAYS SUCKS. The method is not the issue; getting dumped is the issue. It's a big swift kick right in the ego, it threatens our senses of self-worth and overall importance, and it forces us to contemplate living without someone to whom we're very attached and to whom we've attached tremendous importance.

 

I know it is hard; I know it's overwhelming. Unlike many posters here, I am unmarried. I'm single. I know sometimes it's probably harder when you have to pretend to be okay in front of your clueless family. Trust me, it's also harder at times when your AP has that distraction and you don't, when your hours are empty and alone.

 

You have the opportunity to rebuild with your wife. Can you try setting a daily goal of taking one action to bring the two of you closer? You chose not to leave her for the AP. Surely you had your reasons - now it's time to nourish those reasons.

[deadsoul]

Vivir and Deadsoul are two of the most thoughtful, helpful posters on LS.

 

aww. Thank you. I needed that.

Hbroken, I hope that you read their words and take as much comfort from their help as I have. I am in the midst of the final, real end of an affair that lasted almost a year with one of my best friends. The entire saga is available on my thread, I won't get into it here.

 

I will say this, though. The first time she "broke up" with me, she did it by ghosting - emotionally withdrawing until our contact was minimal and superficial. It killed me that she chose to end it in what I viewed as a thoughtless, nonchalant manner.

 

We've recently had a text conversation that lasted nearly eight hours. In it, we both said a lot of things we've been holding back. Now I know that she chose not to talk to me about it in person because the decision was tearing her up inside. She knew she wouldn't leave her family, she knew I wouldn't let go of hope unless she told me she didn't love me and didn't want me. She couldn't do that. She's in love with me. She just isn't willing to walk away from her life, her family, the home she's been building. She was afraid talking to me about it while she was making her decisions would have made it harder to do what she considered to be "the right thing for everyone." She said she didn't want to watch me as she broke my heart, and she didn't trust herself to go through with it.

 

For a long time, I thought hearing those words would help me. But you've experienced that now and it doesn't? This is good for me to read.

 

My point in sharing this here is to let you know that Deadsoul is absolutely right. Whether you're dumped via ghosting, a text, a voice mail, or a marathon conversation that lasts hours and involves all the reasons and insight the other person can offer, getting dumped by someone you love ALWAYS SUCKS. The method is not the issue; getting dumped is the issue. It's a big swift kick right in the ego, it threatens our senses of self-worth and overall importance, and it forces us to contemplate living without someone to whom we're very attached and to whom we've attached tremendous importance.

 

I know it is hard; I know it's overwhelming. Unlike many posters here, I am unmarried. I'm single. I know sometimes it's probably harder when you have to pretend to be okay in front of your clueless family. Trust me, it's also harder at times when your AP has that distraction and you don't, when your hours are empty and alone.

 

You have the opportunity to rebuild with your wife. Can you try setting a daily goal of taking one action to bring the two of you closer? You chose not to leave her for the AP. Surely you had your reasons - now it's time to nourish those reasons.

 

I'm sorry BW. It just sucks. And hearing that you've had the "ideal" break up and it still feels like crap helps me. Not that you feel like crap, of course, but that the "Perfect" break up just doesn't exist. It hurts and feels like hell.

 

I like what you said about the daily goal with OP's wife. I think this is good advice, OP. Believe it or not, you've been given a gift, even though it doesn't feel like one right now...

[freengreen]

How did Hbroken let her down? From day 1, the OP never said he'd leave his marriage for her. Even after she gave him an ultimatum, he still refused to leave but she choose to stay anyways. Her choice...every day...for 5 years. She let herself down.

He just said " I wont be leaving my marriage, but I am more than ok to have a side sex"... she said yes to it until she did not.( may be she was in the illusion that he will one day come back to her, her bad)... Now the OP had his way all thru it from all sides, until now and thus the suffocation.

 

I aint saying the woman was all right, yes she was horribily wrong( as were most of us thru some point of time)...just saying that OP was very smart too in all of this.

[Hbroken]

He just said " I wont be leaving my marriage, but I am more than ok to have a side sex"... she said yes to it until she did not.( may be she was in the illusion that he will one day come back to her, her bad)... Now the OP had his way all thru it from all sides, until now and thus the suffocation.

 

I aint saying the woman was all right, yes she was horribily wrong( as were most of us thru some point of time)...just saying that OP was very smart too in all of this.

 

He just said " I wont be leaving my marriage, but I am more than ok to have a side sex"... she said yes to it until she did not.( may be she was in the illusion that he will one day come back to her, her bad)... Now the OP had his way all thru it from all sides, until now and thus the suffocation.

 

I aint saying the woman was all right, yes she was horribily wrong( as were most of us thru some point of time)...just saying that OP was very smart too in all of this.

 

You are quite right.. I was a cake eater and so was she until she ended her relationship ... Suffocation is the right word... I am suffocating and I don't know when my suffocation will end... This is my punishment and this is what I have to live with... One day it will end however until then the feeling of all encompassing suffocation with no hope is perhaps the most horrible punishment a person can endure... For those who think I am a bad person and for those who think I am a coward and for those who feel I am selfish...and deserve my comeuppance...you can rejoice ...for I am suffering:-)

[GirlofSpain]

Hbroken: "But I guess she is pretty self absorbed and also a conflict avoider... There was a time when she asked me if she could borrow money to buy a house and I gave it to her... There were so many times she rang because she was so lost emotionally in her LTR and I was always there to listen for her... For the last 3 years there was no PA just her facing indecision about her LTR and me giving her courage to do what was right for her...and always making her feel that she was valuable even though her by didn't make her feel so..."

 

Your relationship with this girl is a strange one. You sound like you were her mentor. You guys had no physical contact for 3 out of 5 years and she took money from you. I would never let your wife find that out when it could have been a nice purchase for herself.

 

Was there an EA? Did you tell her she was the love of your life and you had some passionate EA? Were I love yous given?

 

She used her boyfriend for many years, used you for money for a house, and now what can you offer her? She has no more game. She can no longer game you.

[Hbroken]

Hbroken: "But I guess she is pretty self absorbed and also a conflict avoider... There was a time when she asked me if she could borrow money to buy a house and I gave it to her... There were so many times she rang because she was so lost emotionally in her LTR and I was always there to listen for her... For the last 3 years there was no PA just her facing indecision about her LTR and me giving her courage to do what was right for her...and always making her feel that she was valuable even though her by didn't make her feel so..."

 

Your relationship with this girl is a strange one. You sound like you were her mentor. You guys had no physical contact for 3 out of 5 years and she took money from you. I would never let your wife find that out when it could have been a nice purchase for herself.

 

Was there an EA? Did you tell her she was the love of your life and you had some passionate EA? Were I love yous given?

 

She used her boyfriend for many years, used you for money for a house, and now what can you offer her? She has no more game. She can no longer game you.

 

Hi... I care for her very much.. I love her very much and whilst there are times I feel resentful and post on here to get rid of my angst, the truth is that I love her so so much and respect her and know that she gave her heart to me... I am a coward for not being able to give her the one thing she wants more than anything else ...an undivided me.... but this is largely due to my own cowardice which I am trying to work through.....

 

Our relationship may have been illegitimate but my feelings for her were and are very legitimate

[freengreen]

You are quite right.. I was a cake eater and so was she until she ended her relationship ... Suffocation is the right word... I am suffocating and I don't know when my suffocation will end... This is my punishment and this is what I have to live with... One day it will end however until then the feeling of all encompassing suffocation with no hope is perhaps the most horrible punishment a person can endure... For those who think I am a bad person and for those who think I am a coward and for those who feel I am selfish...and deserve my comeuppance...you can rejoice ...for I am suffering:-)

... for all that an affair brings, we ( including I) must realise that we should stay away from it for all the deceit and pain it brings in. Its not wrong to love a person , love is a good thing .but it is not right to do it on the expense of someone else ( in my case it was my husband whom I love very much!, go digure!)

 

I have learnt to stay fair and stay aware, to everyone who trusts you... in the name of love and respect. Takecare , and I suppose you wont repeat now that you saw the aftermath.

[deadsoul]

You are quite right.. I was a cake eater and so was she until she ended her relationship ... Suffocation is the right word... I am suffocating and I don't know when my suffocation will end... This is my punishment and this is what I have to live with... One day it will end however until then the feeling of all encompassing suffocation with no hope is perhaps the most horrible punishment a person can endure... For those who think I am a bad person and for those who think I am a coward and for those who feel I am selfish...and deserve my comeuppance...you can rejoice ...for I am suffering:-)

 

I am sorry you are suffering. And anyone who "rejoices" in your suffering is an unhappy person themselves. Take care of you and as I've said before, you really have been given a gift to find out if you truly want to make things work with your wife or if this is a sign you need to be on your own. That would be a huge step in showing the courage I know you have.

[K.K.]

Isn't it funny (not funny ha ha but funny interesting) that Hbroken has become all of us other women's stand in MM. We project our own experience with our MM onto him and want to pick his brain about every single solitary thing just looking for any perspective or answers.

 

Also strange that your responses Hbroken are kind of all over the place just as with our own situations. One minute you say the affair was over anyway and you were so fine with that. The next minute you say you're still in love and would be with her if it wasn't for your "cowardice". Then you're mad at HER which I don't think any of us understand. I mean, she left her man to make herself available and you STILL didn't want to take the next step to be with her. So she finally got sick of it and ended it.

 

Now she has to work with you when it's got to be killing her inside and you're over here saying you're mad at her and expecting her to leave her job.

 

It seems like you really are angry that you lost your plaything. Nobody to make you feel like a sex beast. Yes, your ego does play a huge part. Absolutely. But then in another sentence you'll say you would've been with her if you wouldn't have been too cowardly (you say) to leave your wife.

 

So it's frustrating for us. (Maybe I'm just speaking for myself I don't know) We are dying to know what makes you tick because you're as close as we're going to get to getting some answers.

 

I'm not trying to be rude or come down on you. I genuinely want to know how you feel about things. What kind of thoughts are going through your head. The truth about how you feel at this point.

 

Keep posting.

[Doublegold]

I feel like HBroken posted here hoping to gain some insight into what his XOW is feeling, thinking or her motives behind the breakup.

 

Instead he is now looking inwards and expressing his own feelings and examining how he feels. His hurt, love and anger.

 

That can only be a good thing.

[Hbroken]

Isn't it funny (not funny ha ha but funny interesting) that Hbroken has become all of us other women's stand in MM. We project our own experience with our MM onto him and want to pick his brain about every single solitary thing just looking for any perspective or answers.

 

Also strange that your responses Hbroken are kind of all over the place just as with our own situations. One minute you say the affair was over anyway and you were so fine with that. The next minute you say you're still in love and would be with her if it wasn't for your "cowardice". Then you're mad at HER which I don't think any of us understand. I mean, she left her man to make herself available and you STILL didn't want to take the next step to be with her. So she finally got sick of it and ended it.

 

Now she has to work with you when it's got to be killing her inside and you're over here saying you're mad at her and expecting her to leave her job.

 

It seems like you really are angry that you lost your plaything. Nobody to make you feel like a sex beast. Yes, your ego does play a huge part. Absolutely. But then in another sentence you'll say you would've been with her if you wouldn't have been too cowardly (you say) to leave your wife.

 

So it's frustrating for us. (Maybe I'm just speaking for myself I don't know) We are dying to know what makes you tick because you're as close as we're going to get to getting some answers.

 

I'm not trying to be rude or come down on you. I genuinely want to know how you feel about things. What kind of thoughts are going through your head. The truth about how you feel at this point.

 

Keep posting.

 

Thanks:-)

Here is how I see it

I care for my wife as a friend

I care for my OW as a lover

If society didn't exist I would want to live with my ow and remain friends with my wife

As society does exist and kids do exist I have to make a choice

Leaving my wife would be a huge undertaking without even really knowing whether what I am heading to is just a mirage or not - would I just be going into the same relationship with my OW? Or would it be much better than what I have now? And would I really be happy once the initial honeymoon period is over without the kids and having caused so much upheaval? These are real dilemmas which suffocate me daily...

Do I feel good about lying and cheating? No!

Do I want to do the right thing? Yes!

do I know what the right thing is? Probably to be on my own for a while

Am I strong enough to do the right thing? Not yet... Esp because of kids...

I am sure most MM feel the same way

I know many OW seem to blame the MM for everything they are enduring but truthfully the only thing you can control in life is yourselves... If you are not happy in where you are in life, take responsibility and do something about it... The MM isn't holding you in a physical prison... You have full freedom to choose what you want in life... Just realise the MM has his own turmoil to face and it doesn't necessarily follow that he is all bad and the OW all pure and good - we are all flawed and we all need time and courage to face our battles and this courage comes with time, discontentment and support rather than from shame and judgement