Lost

[KennyMcG]

Well here goes Folks!

Looking for advice/words of wisdom...

 

Was with my Wife for 13 years, married 10 (still married) Things were fantastic at the start (always is, right!) the passed couple of years changed. the fun disappeared. we were all routine, and I have acknowledged that. Shes always maintained I was a B*oody good Husband and great Dad. She cant tell me where we went wrong and I have drove myself mad trying to figure it out. She says its not a specific thing, its just happened over time. I have cried at her, screamed at her. poured my heart out over the past few months trying to convince her of a better way. Nothing happened during our marriage to merit this. I didn't sleep around, I'm not an alcoholic, gambler, don't smoke nor am I a control freak and I work full time as well as do more than my fair share around the home. I have asked her straight out if there is someone else, as have her friends and family. Shes always maintained, no. She moved out about 5 months ago and I miss her terribly. If it were not for our son, I wouldn't see her at all, which would probably help. Every time I see her I just want to hug her. She is my world. When I stood in front of our friends and family and took my vows. I meant them. She is under my skin. there is no one else.

 

Recently, she was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer, which made a crap situation worse! Luckily its in the early stages and contained but it doesn't stop me wanting to be near her every day to support her. Living separately is torture! She Is an amazing person and I have offered everything to try and help us. Counselling, mediation, even starting again slow by dating again. shes having none of it. We still get on really well and can even smile in each others company but inside I'm dying.

I have felt suicidal recently because I feel if there is no us, there Is no me.

I have read the same piece of advice on here for similar situations and that is to leave her to it, let her find out how she really feels for herself.

The problem I have with this is, if I do that, will I lose her for ever? I understand I am at risk of pushing her further away by trying too hard to convince her but again, I fear If I say nothing, then there will be nothing.

I don't know what the hell to do, my head Is a mess with it all.

 

Thanks for reading (if you got this far!!) Please advise

[somuchfortheone]

Well here goes Folks!

Looking for advice/words of wisdom...

 

Was with my Wife for 13 years, married 10 (still married) Things were fantastic at the start (always is, right!) the passed couple of years changed. the fun disappeared. we were all routine, and I have acknowledged that. Shes always maintained I was a B*oody good Husband and great Dad. She cant tell me where we went wrong and I have drove myself mad trying to figure it out. She says its not a specific thing, its just happened over time. I have cried at her, screamed at her. poured my heart out over the past few months trying to convince her of a better way. Nothing happened during our marriage to merit this. I didn't sleep around, I'm not an alcoholic, gambler, don't smoke nor am I a control freak and I work full time as well as do more than my fair share around the home. I have asked her straight out if there is someone else, as have her friends and family. Shes always maintained, no. She moved out about 5 months ago and I miss her terribly. If it were not for our son, I wouldn't see her at all, which would probably help. Every time I see her I just want to hug her. She is my world. When I stood in front of our friends and family and took my vows. I meant them. She is under my skin. there is no one else.

 

Recently, she was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer, which made a crap situation worse! Luckily its in the early stages and contained but it doesn't stop me wanting to be near her every day to support her. Living separately is torture! She Is an amazing person and I have offered everything to try and help us. Counselling, mediation, even starting again slow by dating again. shes having none of it. We still get on really well and can even smile in each others company but inside I'm dying.

I have felt suicidal recently because I feel if there is no us, there Is no me.

I have read the same piece of advice on here for similar situations and that is to leave her to it, let her find out how she really feels for herself.

The problem I have with this is, if I do that, will I lose her for ever? I understand I am at risk of pushing her further away by trying too hard to convince her but again, I fear If I say nothing, then there will be nothing.

I don't know what the hell to do, my head Is a mess with it all.

 

Thanks for reading (if you got this far!!) Please advise

 

 

I get it. I am so sorry. My husband moved out on 8/1 and it just feels so unnatural. I feel like he's the only one for me. I did all same things but thankfully I've only shown my weakness once since he's been gone, other than that I've been happy, positive, and acting strong. Most of the time I'm around him it's not an act. The hard time is when I come home and the house is empty... that's when it's hard. I think you need to be strong, calm, and gentle. Don't appear weak... trust me I hate even saying these words because I know how hard it is to do when you're feeling the way you are. But if you can find the strength.. get out and do things.. get active (even if it's just walking.. it will make you feel better).. don't deny your feelings but don't make her think you're lying on the floor in a puddle of tears (even if you are). That's not attractive. I heard something from another member on here and I've been practicing it.

She said not to do/give any more than your spouse does. So if she says "I miss you" say "I miss you too", not "I've been missing you all week.." etc.. "I love you", "I love you too", not "you're the love of my life, I don't want to live without you", get it? Try not to innitiste too much conversation either, comes off like you're having into her and your conversations... trust me... it's tough! I've barely talked to him in 5 days and it's like a kick to the gut at times but I know it's the right move. I have to appear strong... either he'll miss me or I WILL actually get stronger from the separation.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this.. if you need an ear, feel free to message me. It can feel really lonely going through all of this.

[amers53]

I'm sorry you're going through this. It really isn't fair. You sound like the kind of husband I begged and pleaded mine to be, but despite not being all those things, it's taken me years to gather the strength to leave, where as you seem to have done everything right, and your wife left with seemingly no issue. It just sucks.

 

I may not be in any position to give advice, but it's always easier to give it than take it right? Years ago, before I met my husband, I had an ex who I thought was THE one. Despite being totally over him today, I do still regard him as the love of my life, and the one who got away...you know, all the terms that rom-coms are made of. We started having some issues, but seemingly nothing bad and then one day he broke up with me. I was devastated, thought I would never get over it. We remained friends, though in retrospect that likely wasn't the best idea for my heart.

 

Turns out our break up was just the tip of the ice berg. We stayed friends for three more years, all the while still totally in love with him and just hoping if I stayed close and bide my time, he would eventually realize he was still in love with me. Finally after being long distance friends (he was in the Navy all that time since we broke up) he came home on leave and asked to see me. By then I thought I was over him, so it would just be a fun evening and we could catch up.

 

48 hours later, I fell flat on my face back in love with him. But this time he seemed to be affected too...we talked all the time, he had me come visit him, he'd reminisce about old times together and we'd see each other whenever he came home. But we were never back together, and it was killing me. I couldn't keep it up, I finally had to come clean with how I felt, and gave him an ultimatum. We had to either be all or nothing. Needless to say, we were nothing.

 

For the next couple years we remained in contact on and off. I couldn't see it then, but I felt the need to constantly keep the door open for him, to always let it be known that I was open to being with him. I told myself he was scared, he didn't know what he wanted, he didn't want to trade our good "friend" relationship for a real romantic one that could possibly end again.

 

Fast forward to today, I haven't seen him in 12 years and have spoken to him in like 10. To this day I never did figure him out. Did he care about me but was he scared to be more? Did he just enjoy having a no strings attached relationship? I don't know, and I could have (and did) drive myself insane trying to figure out what is in someone else's head. But in the end the reason never mattered. All that mattered was he was a big boy who could have chosen to be with me if he really wanted to. I did not need to pave the road for him, I did not need to make it easy for him, or keep the lines of communication open.

 

If he wanted to be with me, he would have made it happen. And even if he was scared or whatever, it still meant he didn't want me bad enough to overcome any issues. It's hard, I know it is so so hard, but eventually you have to take people at their word, and let them make their choices and accept that they are doing what they are doing for a reason, and you cannot make that choice or change their reasons for them.

 

As hard as it is, you're going to have to pull back and let her make her choices. Maybe after some time she will realize that she does still want to be with you, and maybe she won't. But you can't "make her" want to be with you by always being there and making suggestion after suggestion of how to keep your marriage together. This is your heart and minds way of trying to grasp on and control something that is completely out of your control. I understand your need to, but it will only hurt you, and very likely will not create a better outcome if one is possible. I don't know why someone could simply fall out of love for no apparent reason. Maybe she doesn't even know and hurting you and not being able to explain why could be harder on her than it seems. I know it's so hard to do, but for now, try to live your life, focus on your son, and focus on taking care of yourself. Trust me, if she realizes she does still want to be with you, she won't just let it pass by because you seem to be ok without her. In high school, two kids dating, maybe...but you've been married for quite a while and you have a child together. If she wants to keep your family intact and be together, she will.

 

I hope for the best for you, I really do. I'm very sorry you're going through this heartache. Take care.

[KennyMcG]

Firstly,

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond! Really appreciated. Its comforting to know I am not alone but also its sad anyone has to go through any of this!

 

Its crazy to think how 2 people could be so in love. Then let it slide. I always aired any issues I had. My wife remained silent and pretended everything was ok! I asked what she thought that would achieve. She shrugged her shoulders and just looked at me. Is it possible to be too nice a guy? I did a lot for her. I even passed on night out with friends sometimes just to be with her. Not ALL the time. I did go out.

 

I always sent flowers to her work for birthdays or anniversary. Prepared meals for the 2 of us. Now after 13 years shes decided she doesn't feel the same anymore. I would accept that but not once did she open her mouth and express any displeasure. That, I am finding hard to take. Shes walking away after 13 years without even trying a single thing. I am left devastated. I KNOW the best thing to do is leave her to it and remain silent. I am finding it so so hard to let her go because as I mentioned, she is a part of me. I cant see past her. Maybe that's just how I feel just now and that will ease?? I have the strangest feeling in the back of my mind that we are not done yet or is that just wishful thinking on my part?

 

K

[BluesPower]

Yes it is possible... to be too much of a nice guy, absolutely.

 

First thing you need to do is read, "No more Mr. Nice guy", an learn it.

 

I am sorry that you are going through this. But, there are several things you should know.

 

1) The odds are almost 99% that she is having an affair, regardless of what she tells you. I understand that you can't believe that, but it is true. It could be an emotional or physical but it is happening.

 

2) With the above reading, you need to understand that by begging or "nicing" her back will never work. The absolute only chance you have that may get her back, probably not but may, is to cut her loose.

 

Go cold on her and move on. Start dating a little and file for divorce. Then she will really have to think about what she is doing and the long term ramifications of a divorce.

 

When she sees that you are done with her, she may start to think. But you don't need to do this for her, you need to do it for you, so that you may begin to heal and move on with your life.

 

When a woman is done for what ever reason, (affair most likely), never ever beg them back. It makes them see you as a weak sissy and they lose any remaining respect that they ever had for you.

 

I know that you are hurting, but you will never "Get her back" the way you are going, you need to let her go and see what she does.

 

And understand this, in 4 to 6 weeks, if she has not already, when she introduces you to her new BF, that is the guy that she has been having an affair for however long.

 

Believe me...

[KennyMcG]

Thanks Blues....

 

I was convinced there was someone else, as everything was pointing towards it. The fact that she never spoke of any discontent and now not wanting to a single thing to at least try and rectify. She has always maintained her innocence on this, even to her friends and family. I believe her...70% 30%niggling doubt. If she is, ill be gutted. To think she could stoop so low when I have been a decent guy for her. I have my faults, absolutely. nobody is perfect. Ill say again, nothing happened during our time together to deserve this.

 

I am beginning to get into the frame of mind where I can cut her loose. Altho, I wont deny how hard it is. We shared a lot over 13 years and have a handsome little lad to show for our efforts.

 

Nobody we know ever thought WE would end up in this state. Nor me. I thought we were solid.

 

I have acknowledged my faults with her (if they were the issue, I don't know!) and told her id do my utmost to work on them. Not good enough.

 

So yeah, after all this time, to see her become this cold heartless stranger is crushing.

 

I will have a look at "no more mr nice guy" thanks, and take it from there.

 

I was beginning to feel better about the whole thing prior to the Cancer scare, then that set me back months....

[BluesPower]

Prepare to be gutted...

 

You will find out later what has been going on. Something is going on.

 

It is not impossible that she is not having an affair, it is just a very low probability. The behavior is classic. Everything is good and then it then everything is bad. Without outside involvement it almost never happens this way.

 

It really does not matter though, let's say the she is just done for whatever, then you should be done and go no contact with her and stop begging her back.

 

Regardless, you have to cut her lose. And reading no more mr nice guy will help you understand how to act and behave.

 

And listen, I just cut a woman out of my life that I was married 26 years to. It can be done. I am as happy as a pig in sh**.

 

Hang in there...

[bummer]

make your little lad your world now. make sure whatever happens, the two of you support each other for his sake.

[KennyMcG]

Oink Oink

 

Thanks buddy

[KennyMcG]

Thanks Bummer....

 

Yeah if it were not for little mini me i dunno where id be right now!

[2.50 a gallon]

Do not try to get her back. Do not do the pick me dance. It make you look weak in her eyes.

Look up the 180 and live it. And it is not to get her back, it is a path to get you to move forward and find and new life.

[2.50 a gallon]

Kenny

 

 

You don't realize it now, but the truth is you still have lots of living to do so do it.

I had a great bachelorhood until I married some forty plus years ago. We were together exactly 3 years to the day. Six months after meeting I relented and let her move in with me. Two years later, we married, she asked me. I did not really love her until I saw her walking down the aisle in her wedding dress. Then I was over the top in love with her, we were going to have a family, I was going to have kids, and some day grand kids.

Six months later I caught her cheating and kicked her out. She moved in with her new guy, and when she came back to get her things, tried to rub salt in the wound by telling me how great of a guy he was. I was 10 years older than her, and he was a body builder.

About a month later a neighbor who did not like me invited the two of them to come over for a party. We had cats so she stopped by to see our cats and once again remind me that she had someone new.

When she got ready to go she threw her empty can in the trash and discovered an empty bottle of champagne and immediately knew, rushed to our bedroom and realized that I had help making that mess.

She did an instant total 180. On her knees begging me to take her back, it was only a mistake, crocodile tears.

Ten years ago I looked her up by Google. Boy did I get lucky. The years have not been nice to her. She is easily over two hundred pounds. While I have spent the last 25 years of my life with a total knock out. A grand mother, now a great grand mother with a gal who still has a flat stomach and oh them legs.

Move on and find some one new

[KennyMcG]

Appreciate your input Gallon....

 

im the original hopeless romantic. you find "the one" and thats that. Its difficult to comprehend how 2 people so in love can become strangers. especially when there was nothing specific to create this situation. she tells me there is nobody else and i have no option other than to believe her. if shes lying, well thats a bridge ill cross when i get there. my head tells me what you and all the other fine people on here are saying is absolutely correct. my heart is creating problems with my head. i know my relationship with her is not beyond repair. im really struggling to let her go. as i said previously, if it were not for our son, i wouldnt see her at all. which would obviously help big time. i have my good and bad days. its how to deal with the bad i struggle. i am getting out there and trying to do my own thing. i got a tattoo covered up (her name and wedding date) changed the locks on the house. baby steps. i spose ill get there in time. once i learn to deal with the bad days when all i want to do is call her....

[2.50 a gallon]

Kenny

 

 

I was once in your shoes. After we broke up I fell into a black hole, a bottomless pit, where there was no laughter, no hope, a total nothingness. I was so low at one time I actually wondered if someday in the future I might be able to laugh again.

It is so hard to comprehend. I was hurting and needing some one to talk to and that special someone, my best friend, has over night turned into my worst enemy.

You think you are getting better, then one morning you wake up and you realize you were dreaming about her just before you woke up.

Total nose dive

Trust me, with time, it will get better

Edited September 2, 2017 by 2.50 a gallon

[Fever of love]

Well here goes Folks!

Looking for advice/words of wisdom...

 

Was with my Wife for 13 years, married 10 (still married) Things were fantastic at the start (always is, right!) the passed couple of years changed. the fun disappeared. we were all routine, and I have acknowledged that. Shes always maintained I was a B*oody good Husband and great Dad. She cant tell me where we went wrong and I have drove myself mad trying to figure it out. She says its not a specific thing, its just happened over time. I have cried at her, screamed at her. poured my heart out over the past few months trying to convince her of a better way. Nothing happened during our marriage to merit this. I didn't sleep around, I'm not an alcoholic, gambler, don't smoke nor am I a control freak and I work full time as well as do more than my fair share around the home. I have asked her straight out if there is someone else, as have her friends and family. Shes always maintained, no. She moved out about 5 months ago and I miss her terribly. If it were not for our son, I wouldn't see her at all, which would probably help. Every time I see her I just want to hug her. She is my world. When I stood in front of our friends and family and took my vows. I meant them. She is under my skin. there is no one else.

 

Recently, she was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer, which made a crap situation worse! Luckily its in the early stages and contained but it doesn't stop me wanting to be near her every day to support her. Living separately is torture! She Is an amazing person and I have offered everything to try and help us. Counselling, mediation, even starting again slow by dating again. shes having none of it. We still get on really well and can even smile in each others company but inside I'm dying.

I have felt suicidal recently because I feel if there is no us, there Is no me.

I have read the same piece of advice on here for similar situations and that is to leave her to it, let her find out how she really feels for herself.

The problem I have with this is, if I do that, will I lose her for ever? I understand I am at risk of pushing her further away by trying too hard to convince her but again, I fear If I say nothing, then there will be nothing.

I don't know what the hell to do, my head Is a mess with it all.

 

Thanks for reading (if you got this far!!) Please advise

 

Dude want to say Im in Glasgow too, and I totally understand. I split with my missus of 22 years on June 17th, and the first month was a living nightmare. The questions, the why, racking my brains for things to apolgise for... but of course nothing works if theyre gone already.

 

I'm totally besotted by her, and so the strongest reaction was shock, followed by grief. I was in it for life, like yourself. Still cant get my head around it.

 

I dont really have any concrete advise, just wanna say Im in the same boat.

[KennyMcG]

Thanks once again Gallon. appreciated. i really hope you are right. at this moment i feel like a failure. i gave her everything. affection/attention all the things i thought a girl craved. seems i wasnt good enough.

 

Sorry Fever that you are going through the same s*it! My heads a mess with it all as you know. She moved out in april. so it will still be kind of fresh for you. all i can say, which has helped me a wee bit is get out and see friends. have a beer. im fortunate to have a few mates to talk to. downside is my friends are hers! So they are in an awkward position but even they dont understand what going on. they just tell me to be strong, as hard as that is. see what the future brings...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm going with "there's someone else," too. You'll find out soon enough when she has a "brand new" boyfriend (who isn't so brand new).

 

How old is your son?

[KennyMcG]

I'm going with "there's someone else," too. You'll find out soon enough when she has a "brand new" boyfriend (who isn't so brand new).

 

How old is your son?

 

im hoping thats not the case as i really dont know how i will react! however i am beginning to see it as a distinct possibility. my son is 7....

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

im hoping thats not the case as i really dont know how i will react! however i am beginning to see it as a distinct possibility. my son is 7....

 

I only know of one couple where one party (the wife) up and left without there being someone else. And they weren't married long, had no kids, and she suffered from depression. When kids are involved, this especially does not happen because co-parenting and living in two households with two sets of bills sucks.

 

I don't know what it's like where you live, but if you drive/park in driveways, can your son just go into your wife's new residence or vehicle by himself without you having to see her/talk to her? I very, very rarely talk to my ex husband face to face or on the phone. We only communicate through email or text. Now, my kids are teens so there's no ushering them to the door. But, I would suggest as little contact with her as possible. And, no favors unless it's something to benefit your son.

[Fever of love]

Thanks once again Gallon. appreciated. i really hope you are right. at this moment i feel like a failure. i gave her everything. affection/attention all the things i thought a girl craved. seems i wasnt good enough.

 

Sorry Fever that you are going through the same s*it! My heads a mess with it all as you know. She moved out in april. so it will still be kind of fresh for you. all i can say, which has helped me a wee bit is get out and see friends. have a beer. im fortunate to have a few mates to talk to. downside is my friends are hers! So they are in an awkward position but even they dont understand what going on. they just tell me to be strong, as hard as that is. see what the future brings...

 

Much the same issue with the freind thing Kenny... I really couldnt sleep or eat for the first month, and couldnt tell anybody either because I was such a mess. I had no clue what was happening, I had to see the doctor.

 

Then you think of all your mates that you know that have had break-ups, and just do that 'moving on' thing. I dont know how they do it, and so you think theres something wrong with you- it makes you question your very sanity.

 

As has been mentioned in this thread, a third party seems very likely, im just coming round to accept that. I couldnt have dealt with that 2 months ago. But as guys in the thread have observed- the sudden change from your formerly loving wife to a cold robot, seemingly overnight, the clutching at straws for why shes ending a formerly loving and long- term relationship- and then, yeah, saying shes going on a 'lunch-date' a month later.

 

So many people on here have observed that exact self same pattern. And of course, this opens up a whole new can of worms. Is the other guy more responsible than the woman? I mean, if he wasnt there to swoop in when she was feeling angry or hormonal, then the mood would have passed, and our wives would still be here.

[BluesPower]

Much the same issue with the freind thing Kenny... I really couldnt sleep or eat for the first month, and couldnt tell anybody either because I was such a mess. I had no clue what was happening, I had to see the doctor.

 

Then you think of all your mates that you know that have had break-ups, and just do that 'moving on' thing. I dont know how they do it, and so you think theres something wrong with you- it makes you question your very sanity.

 

As has been mentioned in this thread, a third party seems very likely, im just coming round to accept that. I couldnt have dealt with that 2 months ago. But as guys in the thread have observed- the sudden change from your formerly loving wife to a cold robot, seemingly overnight, the clutching at straws for why shes ending a formerly loving and long- term relationship- and then, yeah, saying shes going on a 'lunch-date' a month later.

 

So many people on here have observed that exact self same pattern. And of course, this opens up a whole new can of worms. Is the other guy more responsible than the woman? I mean, if he wasnt there to swoop in when she was feeling angry or hormonal, then the mood would have passed, and our wives would still be here.

 

Kenny, OP and others...

 

What you guys (and girls if it applies to you CO) is that this stuff is not your fault in general.

 

OP, what Kenny found out and what you will find out as well, is that instead of working through any resentment or hurt feelings that they had against you, these people choose to have an affair and leave the relationship.

 

It is really not your fault. Could you have done some things better, sure. Are you perfect, of course not, did you deserve to be treated this way, not at all.

 

When people we love actually show us who there actually are, it hurts. It shocks us, bet the fact of the matter is, that is who they are.

 

Listen, I was married for 26 years to a woman who, come to find out, really did not love me, she just did not. It did not matter how much I loved her, it did not change anything. It was a nightmare for a lot of reasons.

 

When I realized what was going on, it was over and she was out of the house. I am so much better off with her out of my life. And you guys will be too...

[somanymistakes]

I only know of one couple where one party (the wife) up and left without there being someone else. And they weren't married long, had no kids, and she suffered from depression. When kids are involved, this especially does not happen because co-parenting and living in two households with two sets of bills sucks.

 

read more divorce-specific forums. splitting up without an affair happens quite a lot, even when there are kids. When it's not an affair though, the most common reasons are:

 

abuse

addiction

finances (especially if one party has been taking money secretly. overspending, loans, etc)

long term incompatibility (low level fighting, no sex, not enjoying the same things, constant frustration, one party has probably asked for counselling at least once)

 

i'm not saying there is definitely not cheating here because there might well be. just to be cautious and don't jump to conclusions.

[2.50 a gallon]

Kenny

You can and you will fall in love again.

My Ex-W was not the love of my life. That was a Hispanic gal I met at age 28. We were engaged for over two years. I wanted to marry her, but it was me who refused to set the date. She had an older sister, who did not want her younger sister marrying a Gringo. And did everything she could to break us up. Time after time I was accused of doing something and the GF would half way believe her. I refused to marry her until we got things settled with her sister. Then one day she was gone, quite simply she had fallen out of love with me and there was nothing I could do. To be honest I did not try all that much. I was left lonely believing I would never have that recipe again.

Then 3 years later my Ex-W came into my life. Tall, 5'10 to my 5' 6", long legged and a body and face that was fold out material.

Our first Christmas, as I was leveling the tree and putting it into the stand she disappeared into the bedroom and came out wearing the black see thru thingy, she had bought at Frederiks. Long legs, high heels and fish net stockings. She fixed me a drink and lit me up a expensive stogie she had bought me, and told me to sit and watch. Have you ever watched almost naked fold out model bend down to pick up and place ornaments in the tree, along with leaning in to set the lights? It was eat your heart out Hugh Hefner.

Three Christmas's later we broke up. I will never have that recipe again.

I learned to like living alone. I could do what ever I wanted, with whom ever I wanted, when ever I wanted. And there were lots of lonely divorced women, looking for a good time in bed.

I was determined to never fall in love again. I lasted for 15 years. I thought I was safe within my castle with walls so high and thick no one could ever get to me.

First kiss second date, and I was defenseless

Edited September 2, 2017 by 2.50 a gallon

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

read more divorce-specific forums. splitting up without an affair happens quite a lot, even when there are kids. When it's not an affair though, the most common reasons are:

 

abuse

addiction

finances (especially if one party has been taking money secretly. overspending, loans, etc)

long term incompatibility (low level fighting, no sex, not enjoying the same things, constant frustration, one party has probably asked for counselling at least once)

 

i'm not saying there is definitely not cheating here because there might well be. just to be cautious and don't jump to conclusions.

 

Oh, I do understand that it's not always cheating; however, if it makes "no sense" because they've never even had a discussion about their relationship being unsatisfactory, it is USUALLY someone else.... I have several friends who have divorced for reasons not relate to infidelity, but it never came as a shock to the other party. They knew there were problems. OP seems to have been completely blind-sided.

[MMT]

I was so sorry when I read your post. It must be really hard to go through this especially due to her lack of explanation.

I have left my husband once, but he knew the reasons why and we were able to work it out in counseling for over a year.

In my personal opinion, as humans we have to be whole with God and within ourselves, we can certainly love others, but we cannot become the kind of person that will fall apart if our spouse leaves.

I would suggest that you seek God, read the bible, and pray to find your true identity in God, your Creator, because that cannot be found in your wife or in marriage.