The price of the truth

[wanting to heal]

My wife and I are in MC. It is going OK. We are in personal couseling, but I have been four times to her two. Our marriage was rocky, and then she had a drunken ONS four months ago. We were getting over that pretty well. I never really got angry, it was clear that our M was already in trouble.

 

In my personal counseling I have discovered that I have scars from incest that started when I was 11. It was with cousins, and my sister. They were all older. I also had a drunken ONS when the wife and I were seperated for ten days in 1985. She had gone home to family, and it looked like we were through. We married in 1982.

 

Last week I admitted to my wife that I had the ONS. It was 20 yrs ago, and it was a woman who I learned wanted me and the wife to break up because she wanted me. It only happened once, like my wife's. We are both ashamed of them.

 

The problem is that now my wife tells me that the exercises and tactics from MC are not her responsibility any more. Now it seems that the progress that we were making has stalled. She was being more intimate with me, we had talks about relationship books, and we budgeted time together. Not so much now. I felt that I could state my needs. She said that because I kept silent for 20 yrs I am not in a position to ask for anything.

 

My ONS was a mistake. I never told her because I regretted it. I even moved my family to another city back then because that woman persued me. Our daughter was born two years after the wife and I reconciled. I have never really thought about the ONS. I made it right with God and I know that I am forgiven. I have learned from that lapse in judgement. I have made a nice living, shown my wife that she is my desire, and I am a good father. I am pretty fit, and average looking. I used to be a pretty funny guy, too.

 

All of the problems that we were addressing now seem important to her. I just think that she has gotten lax in our relationship. She does not work, even though I have asked her to. She gets ready for bed at about 8pm each night and retires to the BR to watch TV. She watches TV about 5 hrs a day. She hardly ever cooks, and she works out 6x a week. I just do not really respect her, and frankly, she is boring. She keeps the house well and is a good mom.

 

She does not show any real desire for me, yet we are good friends. The problem is that I want a marriage with love an passion, not just a cohabitation with sex every now and then. This is not enough for me, and now I am told to keep my wants to myself.

[whichwayisup]

She does not show any real desire for me, yet we are good friends. The problem is that I want a marriage with love an passion, not just a cohabitation with sex every now and then. This is not enough for me, and now I am told to keep my wants to myself.

 

You have two ways of handling this now.... Talk and talk and talk...Or go to desperate measures...I'm calling the second one here...

 

Take the bull by the horns, get a family member to take your kids for a weekend and the two of you go on a romantic getaway! Just go with the flow and enjoy eachother. Don't talk about the past or future...Just stay in the moment, the now.

 

I think you romancing her might get her cranks going again! Be sexy and act sexy torwards her, show her how much you want to make love to her and please her! (Ha, could I say her one more time?? ) Anyway, a different approach might be good. Just have some FUN. Even if it isn't a get-away, do an evening out. Play pool, shoot darts, something FUN so you both can laugh.

 

Hope this helps, (and I'll write more on the rest of your post tomorrow...)

[jmargel]

Well jeez.. You just hidden a lie for her for 20 years and you expect her to not be upset? Of course she is now going to be thinking what else went on during your marriage that you have hidden, that's a normal reaction. How would you feel if your wife just told you she had an affair over 20 years ago?

 

You actually had to move your family because of this woman, in which you lied to her again. You made it seem you moved for other reasons. This doesn't just involve her but any children you have as well. You need to give her time to get over this, this is a big one. Cheating affects partners differently so that's something you have to be prepared for.

 

The passion, love, affection you can't expect for those to come back naturally until you deal with the past and then to start working on the future with each other.

[wanting to heal]

I did not have to tell her what I did, but I DID HAVE TO tell her. Going forward for me was not possible without honesty.

 

I know she needs time, and I want to give it to her. The problem is that I often feel insecure when I am away from her. I totally trust myself, and I trust her. I just feel somewhat guilty because I want to have fun WITH HER. We often sit in the house on weekends watching different TV's. That feels lonely to me. We have a country club membership, but we rarely use it. We have a great pool and outdoor kitchen, but she hardly ever wants to use them. I ask her to take walks, but she says that it is too hot. We pretty much go to lunch or dinner and see a movie once a weekend. My offers to do other things are seldom accepted. It just seems that I need her much more than she needs me.

 

She does surprise me with intimacy sometimes, but generally I feel pretty alone. That is with her in the room or not.

[lust4life]

So do more. Make plans and tell her to be ready. Just do it. Turn the cable off for a while and buy some board games, that would do the entire family good.

Of course, the 20 year secret is going to take some getting used to. NOW, you are both traumatised and trying to heal. You have got to show more effort. Maybe, doing little things while she is watching tv at first like doing her toe nails and tcikling her so she can't really watch tv. Or asking that the family only have one tv night and then make a calendar of the other nights, Mom and Dad date night atleast once a week and rotate the day, The country club night, family game night, family movie night. Don't give up.

 

If when you make plans and tell her to be ready and she doesn't get ready you have to be able to go alone, even if it is for weekend plans. Are the kids old enough to watch themselves? Or do you have family that will come in for the weekend from time to time?

[lunarbabe]

I think that the best thing for you to do right now is to go watch TV with her. No matter what she's watching, you watch too.

 

Get physically close to her, put your arm around her, hold her. This may start a chain reaction and get you guys back where you both want to be.

 

Since she just heard about your ONS, I agree with everyone when I say that she will need time to get over it. But you can help by being there and holding her.

 

Be selfless and see what happens.

 

At the end of the day, you have to decide if your relationship is worth the effort. Relationships are never 50/50 no matter what anyone thinks. You need to decide how much effor is too much for you.

[wanting to heal]

I have certainly tried to be closer to her for years. It is working somewhat. I have to be careful not to smother her, or so she tells me.

 

I have not felt comfortable when we are apart for a couple of years. At first it was like a lonliness, then a feeling of insecurity like I was not enough for her. That is getting much better, it just seems that sometimes it takes more patience than I can muster. The feeling of wondering if she will cheat is not there any more. That is more of a relief that I can explain. I hope that she feels the same about me.

 

I keep trying the common activities. Watching less TV is her choice. I hope she starts valuing time with me and my daughter more. By the way, my daugher is 17.