affair partner cheated

[Stuckandlost]

New here. Married a long time. Three kids. Him, married, two kids. Families are friends. Kids are friends.

Been together over two years. Found out yesterday that while he was away for a weekend with all our friends and my husband, he left w some random girl, spent the night with her and returned to their (the guys) hotel the next morning.

 

I emailed him that I knew what happened. Gave no details. He asked what I meant and I said "you know exactly what I mean". He then said some random things that really didn't make any sense and I said "I heard what you did. We both know what you did and there is nothing left to talk about".

His response was "if that is how you feel. Take care". And then another one later saying it (us) was the best time of his life and I will always have his heart.

 

There has been no contact from either of us since this.

 

I know at some point he will want to see me. But I don't think I can bear seeing his face while he either lies about it and tries to wiggle out or when he comes clean and says he's sorry. I feel like I will just fall apart. It is like I want to bury my head in the sand.

 

This should make it easy to end it right?

I am just in total shock. Even my therapist was shocked.

 

I feel sick. Has anyone been through this?

And I'll mention again...our families live very close and are very close friends.

 

I don't know what he could possibly say at this point.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm shocked that you're shocked.

 

He's cheating on his wife with YOU so why would cheating on you with another woman be so surprising?

 

Affairs are SELFISH. They are about sex and excitement and an escape from everyday life.

 

You're probably becoming too routine for him so he's off finding another distraction and form of excitement.

 

Seems pretty simple to me.

[Clay]

Why are you surprised. If she cant stay loyal to the person he married what makes you think he owes you any loyalty. People that cheat do it because they are selfish. Your now seeing a real side of him you didn't want to see before.

 

If you want a real relationship with someone get a divorce and go find someone that you really want to be with and hope and pray they never learn about your past.

 

I wont be with someone that cheated and most of my friends feel the same way. Why invest your time and effort in someone who cares so little about themselves already.

 

Good luck. You should probably inform his wife.

 

She deserves to know she is being put at risk of violence or disease.

 

Poor kids.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Why are you surprised. If she cant stay loyal to the person he married what makes you think he owes you any loyalty. People that cheat do it because they are selfish. Your now seeing a real side of him you didn't want to see before.

 

If you want a real relationship with someone get a divorce and go find someone that you really want to be with and hope and pray they never learn about your past.

 

I wont be with someone that cheated and most of my friends feel the same way. Why invest your time and effort in someone who cares so little about themselves already.

 

Good luck. You should probably inform his wife.

 

She deserves to know she is being put at risk of violence or disease.

 

Poor kids.

 

If that's the case, she should tell her hubby as well since she's put him at risk as well.

[ExpatInItaly]

I can't fathom why you are shocked, OP. A cheater who cheats? Who'd have thunk it?! If your therapist was shocked, you need to find a new therapist who's worth the money they're charging you.

 

He's not your boyfriend, and you can't expect fidelity. A person like this loves the thrill and excitement of someone new. You aren't new and thrilling anymore. So, he's off to the next. An honest question, but what did you expect?

 

Welcome to reality.

[wmacbride]

Please tell me your therapist isn't encouraging your affair. If they are, they are an idiot and you need to get a new one.

[RecentChange]

What a mess huh? Cheating on your husband with a close family friend. Kids, families involved, the $h!t is REALLY going to hit the fan eventually.

 

And man oh man, is your other man brazen! Cheating right out in the open with yet another woman for everyone to see. I guess he doesn't care about discretion at all.

 

So, he cheats on his wife with you. He cheats on you and his wife with some random from a trip - quite obviously (I guess he doesn't care about getting caught?)

 

There are probably more.

 

And I am willing to wager you two do not take precautions and use condoms, given his absolute carelessness.

 

You probably want to pop in for an STD check, who knows where random girl from the hotel has been, along with all the other woman he is probably having sex with.

 

P.S. I sign this as a cheat myself... but come on, there is no honor among thieves, you should know this. I am flabbergasted your therapist was "shocked" - its par for the course really. To be expected.

 

Affair monogamy?!

Save

Edited August 31, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[QuietDan]

As I was reading I got to the point I started to wonder if this was some sort of open marriage situation.

If the husband is in the know and on board with it, it sorta makes some sense in a way.... Maybe her hubby has a girlfriend or two as well???

Edited August 31, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[RecentChange]

However, as I was reading I got to the point I started to wonder if this was some sort of open marriage situation.

 

I think generally in open relationships they don't call it an "affair" and getting involved with married people behind their spouse's backs is still frowned upon.

[William]

After an extensive cleanup of posts in violation of our civility and respect guidelines, I'm moving this here to the OM/OW section in the hopes that we will see more constructive and respectful replies. ~T

[misspalmy]

its best if anyone one is the ow or om to see other people cos the cheater is more than likey seeing lots woman or men

[Methodical]

My first reaction was the same as what has been said already. You are cheating on your spouse with a married man and then get offended at his moral compass when he does the same thing to you that he is doing to his wife.

 

Based on the emotional pain you are experiencing, how do you think your spouse will respond if he learns about your ongoing affair of two years? Now that you have seen your AP's true nature, have you considered how many other women he may have hooked up with unbeknownst to you? Keeping it real, he tried to play dumb when you confronted him via email, so lying isn't beneath him either. With that in mind, I agree with RC that an STD panel should top your priority list.

[QuietDan]

So, what's going on in your marraige and your relationship with your husband? Do you want to stay married to your husband? Is this an exit affair for you? Do have any feelings one way or the other towards your husband? How do you think your husband will react if or when he finds out about your affair? Does it matter to you if you stay married to your current husband?

[road]

OP, you were shocked?

 

Wait till your OM's wife finds out he has two

OW, where you are one of them.

 

And, you want to see some real shock you should

tell your BH that you have been banging his friend

for two years.

[lostgirl87]

[]

My MM had a ONS when he and I were going through a very rough patch and had "broken up" but were still speaking on a regular basis. We got through it. It didn't mean anything. Now we are working on us and being a legitimate couple and preparing for him to file for divorce.

 

If you genuinely want it to end, it will end. If he reaches out, you will refuse to see him and he will accept it. But I have a feeling that won't be the case. He may be giving you space right now and if I were you, I would take it. I am not married but you are. Use this time away from MM to figure YOU and your marriage out. This is a very complicated situation and it can't go on this way forever. I don't mean that to sound judgmental- just throwing in some truth.

 

He isn't gone forever and a ONS can be forgiven and worked through but it should raise some serious red flags. I know it did for me. He's married, had me AND still banged another girl?? How could I ever forgive that? But I did. And I fully trust him b/c he has given me reason to trust him. He has forgiven me for my own acts of betrayal (I told his wife about our affair..twice, I lied to him about dating a mutual friend even though nothing physical happened) and we have both had to learn to trust each other for different reasons. If it's real, you will figure everything else out and you will get through this too.

 

[]

 

Good luck, OP!

Edited September 7, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[travelbug1996]

Its unfortunate when we expect a dishonest person to be honest with us.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I don't really have any advice, but I am curious how you found out. Did your husband tell you?

[Whitenblack]

New here. Married a long time. Three kids. Him, married, two kids. Families are friends. Kids are friends.

Been together over two years. Found out yesterday that while he was away for a weekend with all our friends and my husband, he left w some random girl, spent the night with her and returned to their (the guys) hotel the next morning.

 

I emailed him that I knew what happened. Gave no details. He asked what I meant and I said "you know exactly what I mean". He then said some random things that really didn't make any sense and I said "I heard what you did. We both know what you did and there is nothing left to talk about".

His response was "if that is how you feel. Take care". And then another one later saying it (us) was the best time of his life and I will always have his heart.

 

There has been no contact from either of us since this.

 

I know at some point he will want to see me. But I don't think I can bear seeing his face while he either lies about it and tries to wiggle out or when he comes clean and says he's sorry. I feel like I will just fall apart. It is like I want to bury my head in the sand.

 

This should make it easy to end it right?

I am just in total shock. Even my therapist was shocked.

 

I feel sick. Has anyone been through this?

And I'll mention again...our families live very close and are very close friends.

 

I don't know what he could possibly say at this point.

 

I have been through this about 12 years ago. Except I was in your daughter/son's shoes. All I can say is when the rest of the family and I found out, it was ugly and painful. My advice is to end the affair, and tell your husband the truth. Cause chances are he will find out, especially with how close your families are.

 

If you truly want a relationship with this OM, then divorce your husband, and get the OM to divorce his family. Then start a new one with him. That's exactly what my mother did after the affair was out in the open.

Edited September 1, 2017 by Whitenblack

[deadsoul]

New here. Married a long time. Three kids. Him, married, two kids. Families are friends. Kids are friends.

Been together over two years. Found out yesterday that while he was away for a weekend with all our friends and my husband, he left w some random girl, spent the night with her and returned to their (the guys) hotel the next morning.

 

I emailed him that I knew what happened. Gave no details. He asked what I meant and I said "you know exactly what I mean". He then said some random things that really didn't make any sense and I said "I heard what you did. We both know what you did and there is nothing left to talk about".

His response was "if that is how you feel. Take care". And then another one later saying it (us) was the best time of his life and I will always have his heart.

 

There has been no contact from either of us since this.

 

I know at some point he will want to see me. But I don't think I can bear seeing his face while he either lies about it and tries to wiggle out or when he comes clean and says he's sorry. I feel like I will just fall apart. It is like I want to bury my head in the sand.

 

This should make it easy to end it right?

I am just in total shock. Even my therapist was shocked.

 

I feel sick. Has anyone been through this?

And I'll mention again...our families live very close and are very close friends.

 

I don't know what he could possibly say at this point.

 

It doesn't feel like it right now, but perhaps someday you will see that he just did you an enormous favor. I'm sorry you're hurting right now. I hope you are able to sort through it all. This is a tough situation as your families are close.

 

Why is your therapist shocked?

How did you find out what he did?

[elaine567]

I can see exactly why you are upset as you thought you were special and that this affair was simply two married people, a bit bored maybe, finding each other to get their needs met and a bit of emotional support. All friends together cosy and warm until it doesn't really feel like cheating. Yes the other spouses are in the dark, but it is just your little secret and it does no harm. Just another version of monogamy really, you are true to him and he is true to you, only you also happen to be both married.

 

BUT now you find out he is not true to you and that throws your world into chaos, you are no longer special, he has a cheating mentality and that turns your whole affair onto its head.

YOUR ego is hurt, you are no longer the sexy woman he could not keep his hands off and who he is risking his marriage for, you may be one of a "harem".

Unless he is a complete idiot or he believed in the "guy" code, I guess he went off with this other girl in front of your husband and other friends to send a message to you.

I guess from his behaviour and what he said to you, he does not want to continue with you.

He is not fighting for you, nor does he seem apologetic, he is too accepting of it all.

He either KNOWS you will forgive him, so is playing it cool, or he truly doesn't care or maybe a bit of both perhaps...

 

YOU have had the privilege of seeing into his world for a moment.

This is who he truly is, so if you can cope with being just another woman to him then fine, but do not make up a fairy story in your head about how this affair is so much more than it truly is...

 

Get yourself tested for STIs, if he can go off with another woman in front of all his guy friends then I guess this is not his first dalliance.

[road]

Yes how did you find out?

 

Was it your BH that told you?

[BaileyB]

I have been through this about 12 years ago. Except I was in your daughter/son's shoes. All I can say is when the rest of the family and I found out, it was ugly and painful. My advice is to end the affair, and tell your husband the truth. Cause chances are he will find out, especially with how close your families are.

 

If you truly want a relationship with this OM, then divorce your husband, and get the OM to divorce his family. Then start a new one with him. That's exactly what my mother did after the affair was out in the open.

 

Indeed. This happened to my best friend. The affair was the talk of our small town. Both marriages broke up. Affair partners did not get together and my friend moved away to be closer to her grandparents as he mother had financial difficulty after the divorce. Her relationship was forever altered wih her parents and my friend will not talk about it - it's just too painful for her still.

 

OP, I can appreciate your pain in that you must have felt safe and special, having an affair with this family friend. How convenient that your families were friends, your children played together. Did that somehow make it more acceptable in your mind - although the bretrayal was actually worse, because it was with your husband's friend?

But now, you know the truth about this man. He primary motivation is selfish - he is seeking extra sex and you are only one of "many." And, I would agree, he is brazen to do this on a trip with the guys where he was easily caught. You are angry right now, but you should be scared. This guy has no regard for your feelings or your safety. He has no regard for the well being and security of either of your families. But really, neither did you. You risked your families security and well being - and for what? For a man who cared so little as to pick-up a random girl on a weekend away. You placed your trust unwisely.

[AutumnMoon]

Stuckandlost

 

Private message me if you want to, we are in very similar situations .

 

Been in this for 5 years, we are all close friends and about a year into it I found out about one other girl that he had started talking to. Nothing ever really came of it, my intuition told me they were starting to talk I could just tell by the looks that they were sharing and he ended up telling me that she had suggested they start something up.

 

It ended up bringing him much closer to me he opened up about so many things to me when he realized I was OK with him talking to me about it.

 

Protect your heart if you believe he will do this again to you or he's not giving you any explanation that's giving you reassurance then move on.

 

 

Hope you are ok.

[Bittersweetie]

I agree with elaine. I was a MW, and when my MM told me he had another OW he was choosing over me, I was devastated. I thought we were soul mates, had this special connection, how could he deny that? We were special!

 

Now, with many years of perspective, I see that I should've believed who he was when he showed it to me. Instead I continued to pursue him and give him chances (because we "were meant to be") until my A went physical. He ended it again and it hurt like heck.

 

But that hurt was NOTHING compared to the hurt from my d-day. The pain I caused to my H is indescribable. The fact that you and MM are all friends and your kids are friends will make that pain even more intense. I cannot imagine.

 

You have been given a gift: a gift to see MM for who he is and end this A once and for all. A gift to take a look in the mirror and find out why you thought these choices were okay to make, and how you can change moving forward. A gift to start walking a path of living honestly and authentically. Good luck.

[jenkins95]

I agree with elaine. I was a MW, and when my MM told me he had another OW he was choosing over me, I was devastated. I thought we were soul mates, had this special connection, how could he deny that? We were special!

 

Now, with many years of perspective, I see that I should've believed who he was when he showed it to me. Instead I continued to pursue him and give him chances (because we "were meant to be") until my A went physical. He ended it again and it hurt like heck.

 

But that hurt was NOTHING compared to the hurt from my d-day. The pain I caused to my H is indescribable. The fact that you and MM are all friends and your kids are friends will make that pain even more intense. I cannot imagine.

 

You have been given a gift: a gift to see MM for who he is and end this A once and for all. A gift to take a look in the mirror and find out why you thought these choices were okay to make, and how you can change moving forward. A gift to start walking a path of living honestly and authentically. Good luck.

 

Brilliant post Bittersweetie. This puts it all in perspective,