Friends who are no longer interested in you

[mortensorchid]

I have faced this problem in the past which I and no doubt others have written about - you make a friend for a while and then for whatever reason they are no longer interested. You drift, you are occupied with other things, etc. In some cases the person gets a new BF/gf so they want to be with them at all times, that's a certain situation. Other times, the person just goes poof and you don't know why. I've sent texts to a friend (a woman one) who I have been meaning to do a photography project with. We'd said we would do this soon, I had some free time this weekend. She's not responding. Maybe it's me but I am disappointed.

[Bastile]

Yeah, this life stuff is hard work.

 

For me, the best friends that I have are like brothers. In the sense that no matter what we are going through in life, or where life takes us, we will still get back to each other eventually. And we know that we will too.

 

If you don't know that you will, then you aren't quite the level of friends that I value. She's more of an acquaintance. Or a "fair weather friend".

 

Nothing necessarily wrong with that. But it seems that you want more.

[alphamale]

In some cases the person gets a new BF/gf so they want to be with them at all times,

or spouse! that's happened to me a few times

[CptInsano]

Sometimes the reason are really weird. I lost some friends because their political views changed. Others just moved, that is actually a common one for me. Then there were a few whose life took a downward turn and who were ashamed of it. I lost another friend to a practical joke.

 

I don't think there is a common reason.

[carnelian]

These people are not friends. Not real friends. They are acquaintances.

With acquaintances there is no obligation to call, email, text or keep in touch unless they really want to. No obligations to follow up or follow through with anything--unless it is business or they have something definite to gain like money or a job or tickets. I have known many of them, both sexes. fake male" friends" do that and women will make excuses and so on.

 

People you know mostly by phone or email or even less reliable. If they tell me that they will call me back--that means NOTHING most of the time. It's like see ya later blah blah...This annoys me!

[preraph]

I think I have to agree they are more acquaintances. When I have a real friend, I feel responsible for keeping up with them, checking to see if they're okay, etc.

[Mysterio]

I am going through this right now with a friend. I have murky vibes about him. We were good friends We had a mini falling out then got back on track.

 

He went back to school in 2010. Then in 2013. I left a message for him. He stated that he does not have time to hang out. What ever thats supposed to mean. That he only sees some of his friends 3 times a year. Thats about all we were seeing each other anyways and it was spread out for months as well.

 

So I gave him major space. We are on year 4 of not talking. Although he sends me B-day greetings.

 

Sometimes we just have to just evaluate our core friends and just stick with them. Anyone that gets murky. Just drop them. They can come back and figure it all out with us.

[preraph]

Like Cpt. up above, I've lost them because they moved away or I did and because they were embarrassed about choices. The one that bothers me most was my best running buddy from college and a few years after until I moved away, but she was already letting her new man isolate her when I left. She and I had many adventures and travels and caretook a ranch together and lived in a commune with others, just very good friends who did a lot of stuff together.

 

Her husband was threatened by any of her friendships and plus an alcoholic and would make her life miserable if she wanted to see me the once or twice a year I came to town. I didn't go off on her about him, but she knew me well enough to know how I'd feel about it and that's how she would have felt before as well. She had babies with him and that was the end. She got surly with me for no reason on the phone and then disappeared.

 

I inquired after her in an Christmas card to her parents and her dad wrote back she was probably embarrassed about the divorce. She should have been embarrassed about the relationship and what a doormat she let herself become and been proud about the divorce.

 

She did have some inherited mental issues and I do have a feeling those began getting worse as she neared 30 and I tell myself maybe that played into it too. It's true I could tell she was a bit unraveled the past time or two I'd seen her, moods changing for no reason. Still even a mentally ill person has lucid moments and in one of those moments I'd be a lot less hurt today if she had touched base or, gasp, apologized. I dream about her all the time. She was like a sister.

[devilish innocent]

Your story is very similar to mine, preraph. I had a friend who was my best friend in college. She married an abusive man and lost contact with all of her friends because of it. I was actually the only one who stayed somewhat in contact with her for a while after that. Then she got a divorce. She called to talk about her separation and then she stopped taking my phone calls after that. Knowing her I suspect something was going on that she didn't feel comfortable sharing with me.

 

That was thirteen years ago. The only time I've heard from her since was when she added me briefly on Facebook in 2010, shared nothing about herself or her life, and disappeared from Facebook a few months later.

 

I just dreamt about her a few nights ago and woke up wondering about her. I googled her and found out she is living alone. I have her address now. I could send her a letter or card, but she probably wouldn't respond. I'm also reaching the point where I realize I don't care about what is happening with her anymore. It's just sad because friendships like we had don't come along very often.

[carhill]

In general, people are now more mobile and relationships more transitory than in generations past. We're drawn in different directions and change throughout life in significant ways. IMO, if one has a couple good friends which remain over years or decades, that's pretty cool.

 

Even with those, I tend to view things as here and now. They aren't investments I expect a payoff with interest from. Expectations can be real disappointments. We choose what our expectations are.

 

The friend with the photography thing, yup, no joy this weekend so revisit whenever you feel like it in the future. If she contacts you, if the mood strikes, set something up. No biggie. Life won't end over one activity. OTOH, if certain friends are making concrete commitments and then abrogating them without notice or explanation or being ill or dead, erase them. There's billions more to replace them. Anyone who is a good friend can replace a bad friend in a heartbeat. Why? Good friends are in demand.