Feeling perplexed

[OWAmy]

So I saw the cute guy again yesterday.

It was nice. He kissed me and we were talking, at one point there was something he said it triggered me, about MM. I went to the bathroom. I started crying.

When I came back he asked if I was ok.

We talked more he told me about his divorce his marraige. Etc. Where getting info from AP used to be like pulling teeth, this guy is all about the talking the sharing.

 

It's only the second time we have went out. He didn't ask questions or was intrusive. He said I would share when I was ready.

Well it all ended up coming out. My divorce, A with MM. I cried.

I have no idea what he thinks at this point. He was very sweet. But I totally over shared, way too much. More than I intended.

 

I have no idea what to expect now. For the first time I don't have any expectations. If we continue to see eachother great. If we dont. That's ok too.

 

But I can't help this feeling of.....fear, uncertainty, but peace too at the same time.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself with the over sharing. It's out there now, it could also be the catalyst for finally breaking off totally with the MM :-))

[Chica80]

I find it fascinating that for you the chemistry has happened over time. I'm one of those people who has had electricity in every single one of my relationships (about 5 - 3 serious). It is that *spark* that begins everything. I'm not saying my way is the best way at all - quite often it can blur red flags etc. Your building up of chemistry over time seems healthier to me. Are you experiencing chemistry with the guy you recently met?

 

It does sound like you are coming to the end what with distancing yourself. It's how these things end if there isn't a D-day or an argument. Always best to be the one to initiate the ending as it does (in time) boost your self esteem that you did the right thing.

 

I would keep dating but it will be hard to keep things casual if you meet someone you really like.

 

Ya í had been trying to distance for a while. The last couple weeks were the final for me. For me personally in our dynamic, I believe what we had. I know what we had. I know that you, AP, truly care for me. You want to share things with me, intimacies with me, but still keep the appearances you put on for everyone else.

 

Sorry no I no longer want to be a part of that. I want authenticity and honesty. True to myself and who I am. And that will never work in this dynamic. No matter how much I love him. I have to love me more. And ultimately I have to look at what I do. Would I be ok with someone treating my girls this way or someone I love? No. Then why is it ok for me?

[Chica80]

* last week I started telling myself that when I begun to doubt or feel "weak" I would say to myself.

 

"Is this what love looks like"

 

MM would do things, they were loving or acts of love. But ultimately the big picture the overall not just bits and parts. Is this what love looks like? Is this what I want it to look like? No. It's not...so it makes it "easier" to detach to want more to believe there's more. And not necessarily another relationship. But to say I want love in my life so the rest is simpler.

[OWAmy]

When my mind was made up about ending the affair nothing was going to stop me ending it. Someone posted that once the idea of no contact has been planted - even if you falter - you will still keep attempting no contact until it sticks. It took six months for me to actually do it. When you're the one to make the decision to end it, I don't think you get the fallout of being "dumped". Sure it hurts but you've taken charge of the situation and I felt so good not being the Other Woman that I knew I'd never put myself in an affair situation again. I'd grown out of it, figured out I had serious boundary issues.

 

I really do see affairs as karmic situations. One either learns the lesson or you are doomed to keep repeating either the same mistake (or variations of it) time and time again. When you begin to grow as a person these limited relationships are no longer good enough!

[jenkins95]

(((Sunshine)))

 

This whole thread has me leaping for joy (literally! - I just got a lot of funny looks from my colleagues in my office ).

 

Now, first up, you are so right to tread carefully and take things slowly. It is also very understandable that, after what you've been through, netering the dating scene will stir up uncertainty, doubt, confusion - lots of "why" type questions in your mind, etc. Completely normal, healthy and to be expected and part of you rebuilding yourself.

 

But on the whole, this thread is just so positive to me. The main message that screams from this thread is that, whether or not there is a future with this guy (who sounds great, btw), it proves one thing - you don't need AP. You don't need the affair. You are getting stronger and preparing for life without it - this is great news. You have already conencted with this new guy. This just shows that there is nothing speacial about AP. I know that you knew this anyway and that, like me, you don't believe in the whole "the one" or "soul mates" thing. But findign such an instant connection with a new guy just illustrates this so perfectly.

 

Sunshine, you are such a lovely person and you've helped me lots with your posts. I want nothing more than to see you recover. Over the past months, I have felt a consistent desire to leave the affair from you, buit also have detected that you were still bound by it and unable/unwilling to totally break free - a lot of people here will know how that feels. I sense now that you are approaching the point that you are ready to let go. And this is good. You need to break free of it, and you are nearly ready.

 

Continue to have dates, with this guys and others if you like. I know that you will be open an honest with all the guys that you are dating in that you want to keep things casual for now - nothing at all wrong with that. Have fun, explore your feelings, grieve, let go of MM. Be free. You can do it!

 

This thread has made me so proud of you!

 

Good luck!

[jenkins95]

I'm not going to minimize what AP, and I had it was meaningful, it was real....but it was very painful and ultimately not how I want to live my life.

 

As a fMM, now two years out of an A and happily reconciling, I echo this 100%.

 

However wrong the A was, it did mean something and the feelings were real. I will never forget her and will think of her with a smile. I wish her nothing but the best and I know that she is so much better off out of my circus.

 

And I don't feel that this stance undermines my reconciliation. I think it is far healthier to have as pleasant feelings as possible than to hold onto bitterness and resentment.

 

Good luck all!

[GollumsNightmare]

I'm not going to minimize what AP, and I had it was meaningful, it was real....but it was very painful and ultimately not how I want to live my life.

As a fMM, now two years out of an A and happily reconciling, I echo this 100%.

 

However wrong the A was, it did mean something and the feelings were real. I will never forget her and will think of her with a smile. I wish her nothing but the best and I know that she is so much better off out of my circus.

 

And I don't feel that this stance undermines my reconciliation. I think it is far healthier to have as pleasant feelings as possible than to hold onto bitterness and resentment.

 

Does your wife, that you are in reconciliation with, know that you think back on the OW with a smile?

 

Maybe your reconciliation is easier than any I have ever heard of. I cannot imagine either of us thinking back to any part of the A - that brought such unbelievable pain and utter devastation on our whole family unit - with a smile.

[Chica80]

(((Sunshine)))

 

This whole thread has me leaping for joy (literally! - I just got a lot of funny looks from my colleagues in my office ).

 

Now, first up, you are so right to tread carefully and take things slowly. It is also very understandable that, after what you've been through, netering the dating scene will stir up uncertainty, doubt, confusion - lots of "why" type questions in your mind, etc. Completely normal, healthy and to be expected and part of you rebuilding yourself.

 

But on the whole, this thread is just so positive to me. The main message that screams from this thread is that, whether or not there is a future with this guy (who sounds great, btw), it proves one thing - you don't need AP. You don't need the affair. You are getting stronger and preparing for life without it - this is great news. You have already conencted with this new guy. This just shows that there is nothing speacial about AP. I know that you knew this anyway and that, like me, you don't believe in the whole "the one" or "soul mates" thing. But findign such an instant connection with a new guy just illustrates this so perfectly.

 

Sunshine, you are such a lovely person and you've helped me lots with your posts. I want nothing more than to see you recover. Over the past months, I have felt a consistent desire to leave the affair from you, buit also have detected that you were still bound by it and unable/unwilling to totally break free - a lot of people here will know how that feels. I sense now that you are approaching the point that you are ready to let go. And this is good. You need to break free of it, and you are nearly ready.

 

Continue to have dates, with this guys and others if you like. I know that you will be open an honest with all the guys that you are dating in that you want to keep things casual for now - nothing at all wrong with that. Have fun, explore your feelings, grieve, let go of MM. Be free. You can do it!

 

This thread has made me so proud of you!

 

Good luck!

 

OMG!!!! ((((Jenks))) I was hoping you would read.

 

Ya, things are good. After my emotional diarrhea the other night he, new guy the next day we talked. He said you seem very sweet I don't want to hurt you because youve been through alot (everything had come out including A, and MM)

 

I responded oh know did I share too much, he said no but I'd like to be on the same pg. "The what are you looking for"

 

I said we've been on two dates, two, I like you I like spending time with you, that's all I know. Who knows where it will go. I'm dating other people. I think it was a little much, for a second date ; ( I know but......the thing is it's me. I'm open and honest (I know an oxymoron being in an A, which is what I hated)

 

We have plans for saturday. He's just very respectful, he doesnt push for things or ask, he just says it will come naturally, you will tell me when you are ready. He's very very open. Contrast to you know who

 

I told a friend about him she said, wow are you dating an adult?....haha

 

Also you're right I had been making changes and wanted out just hadn't taken that step. But the last couple weeks I've had some big moments in therapy and I was just seeing things in a different light, maybe a stronger heart? It was a feeling of I'm excited for what the future brings, and not necessarily a relationship, but a life outside of this mess.

[OWAmy]

Does your wife, that you are in reconciliation with, know that you think back on the OW with a smile?

 

Maybe your reconciliation is easier than any I have ever heard of. I cannot imagine either of us thinking back to any part of the A - that brought such unbelievable pain and utter devastation on our whole family unit - with a smile.

 

Maybe sometimes you can look back at the person and separate them from the situation. APs and Marrieds are not always rotten to the core. Bad choices are what got them into the affair in the first place.

[GollumsNightmare]

I see your point, OWAmy. I do. Personally, I just can't imagine looking back on such a destructive time in our lives with a smile.

 

I have been an OW, too. I don't look back on the MM with anything other than disgust because that person was a part of something that hurt my H very much. It was ME that hurt my H but the MM was happily taking part in it.

 

In the case of my H's A, I walked in on the two of them in bed together. It was the beginning of a devastating time for our whole family as we worked to get through it. If I ever thought he was looking back on the OW with a smile, it would be the end of our reconciliation. Period.

 

Jenkins always says he is in R with his wife. I just wonder if she knows the fondness he says he feels for the OW. I would think if you are in R with someone it would be fair to her to know that detail.

[jenkins95]

I see your point, OWAmy. I do. Personally, I just can't imagine looking back on such a destructive time in our lives with a smile.

 

I have been an OW, too. I don't look back on the MM with anything other than disgust because that person was a part of something that hurt my H very much. It was ME that hurt my H but the MM was happily taking part in it.

 

In the case of my H's A, I walked in on the two of them in bed together. It was the beginning of a devastating time for our whole family as we worked to get through it. If I ever thought he was looking back on the OW with a smile, it would be the end of our reconciliation. Period.

 

Jenkins always says he is in R with his wife. I just wonder if she knows the fondness he says he feels for the OW. I would think if you are in R with someone it would be fair to her to know that detail.

 

I'm sorry that you've had such a hard time (((GM))) and I'm genuinely sorry if I triggered you. I didn’t intend to. I hope you are doing OK and are generally moving in the right direction following both the affairs. I can only imagine how devastating recovering from TWO affairs must be, and I wish you nothing but the best. I know you can do it, and it’s great that you come here to receive and give support.

 

In general, in recovery, I try to take a pragmatic approach. The fact is, I was a complete a$$, was selfish, had an affair and both I and the OW developed feelings. That is a fact that cannot be changed.

 

In recovery, I can either choose to treat that knowledge and the actions of myself and the OW with bitterness, hatred and resentment OR I can accept that we were two basically lost people, who did a series of very stupid, selfish things and hurt a lot of people. I choose the second option, and in doing that, I empathise with the OW’s pain and place no more blame on her than I do on myself. I acknowledge that she was hurt a lot, just as me and my wife were, and that she deserves to recover just as we do.

 

My wife knows that I have that attitude and she is just amazing - she accepts it and agrees with me. In the early days she said a lot of bad things about the OW (and me of course), but more recently, she shares my view that mistakes happen, people make bad choices and they deserve the chance to become a better person and recover. In doing so, the other person occupies less space in ours heads...and in in our recovery and reconciliation – and that surely has to be a good thing, doesn’t it? Resentment, hatred and bitterness are not good things to have in your head if you are looking for recovery and peace. I do regret what I did, but I can’t change it, so dwelling on negativity can serve no purpose going forward. Not holding onto negativity frees me to be able to give everything to my marriage.

 

As for looking back at my OW with a smile, well, let me clarify this. I don't think of her often, and when I do, I am not pining over her, fantasising over her or secretly wishing to get back into an A with her. Instead, I try to imagine her as a happy, smiling person outside an affair context, without the tears – tears that we created through our toxic addiction to each other. I see the good, intelligent, happy person I know that she can be - fulfilling her potential in a healthy way – and no MM in tow. THAT is what makes me smile and I am crossing everything that she finds that in life. She is not a bad person, she just made bad choices, like me. So OWAmy is right, I am essentially separating the person from the situation here. She doesn't deserve the whole rest of her life to be ruined because of what we did - and that goes for all of us trying to recover here on LS.

 

Good luck everyone. J

Edited September 7, 2017 by jenkins95

[deadsoul]

I'm sorry that you've had such a hard time (((GM))) and I'm genuinely sorry if I triggered you. I didn’t intend to. I hope you are doing OK and are generally moving in the right direction following both the affairs. I can only imagine how devastating recovering from TWO affairs must be, and I wish you nothing but the best. I know you can do it, and it’s great that you come here to receive and give support.

 

In general, in recovery, I try to take a pragmatic approach. The fact is, I was a complete a$$, was selfish, had an affair and both I and the OW developed feelings. That is a fact that cannot be changed.

 

In recovery, I can either choose to treat that knowledge and the actions of myself and the OW with bitterness, hatred and resentment OR I can accept that we were two basically lost people, who did a series of very stupid, selfish things and hurt a lot of people. I choose the second option, and in doing that, I empathise with the OW’s pain and place no more blame on her than I do on myself. I acknowledge that she was hurt a lot, just as me and my wife were, and that she deserves to recover just as we do.

 

My wife knows that I have that attitude and she is just amazing - she accepts it and agrees with me. In the early days she said a lot of bad things about the OW (and me of course), but more recently, she shares my view that mistakes happen, people make bad choices and they deserve the chance to become a better person and recover. In doing so, the other person occupies less space in ours heads...and in in our recovery and reconciliation – and that surely has to be a good thing, doesn’t it? Resentment, hatred and bitterness are not good things to have in your head if you are looking for recovery and peace. I do regret what I did, but I can’t change it, so dwelling on negativity can serve no purpose going forward. Not holding onto negativity frees me to be able to give everything to my marriage.

 

As for looking back at my OW with a smile, well, let me clarify this. I don't think of her often, and when I do, I am not pining over her, fantasising over her or secretly wishing to get back into an A with her. Instead, I try to imagine her as a happy, smiling person outside an affair context, without the tears – tears that we created through our toxic addiction to each other. I see the good, intelligent, happy person I know that she can be - fulfilling her potential in a healthy way – and no MM in tow. THAT is what makes me smile and I am crossing everything that she finds that in life. She is not a bad person, she just made bad choices, like me. So OWAmy is right, I am essentially separating the person from the situation here. She doesn't deserve the whole rest of her life to be ruined because of what we did - and that goes for all of us trying to recover here on LS.

 

Good luck everyone. J

 

This post really touched me Jenks (dude).

 

I didn't want to think about OM and there was a long, long battle in my head where I hated him, felt disgusted by him, yet missed him at the same time. The point is, he was in my head.

 

I'm learning how to take Jenkins direction now: when he pops into my head now, I think, "I hope you find happiness" and "thank you for the lesson." And I find when I think those things, I finally find a peace that I couldn't find before. It's not a fondness for him or anything, it is helping me become indifferent. I find it helps me to let go.

 

I think waywards are in denial if they say they never think about the AP. Because we do. We are addicted in a limerence state... but we are like recovering alcoholics... just because we think about the drink doesn't necessarily mean we want the drink or we are going to go have the drink... but to deny that we are even thinking about it might cause it to grow and occupy more space in our heads. Accepting that what we did is a part of us and it was a horrible thing, but we are making strides each day to be better allows us to heal... at least that's what I'm finding in my case. Telling myself it's okay to think about it.. and maybe even want it is okay... as long as I don't act on those behaviors. Giving myself those permissions seems to make the urges and feelings ease.

 

I'm probably not making much sense. I'm tired.

 

OP, try to relax. If new guy is meant to be, it will be. And if not, if you aren't ready yet, that's okay too. The bottom line is you are climbing out and are beginning to realize you deserve better... and won't settle for less.

[jenkins95]

This post really touched me Jenks (dude).

 

I didn't want to think about OM and there was a long, long battle in my head where I hated him, felt disgusted by him, yet missed him at the same time. The point is, he was in my head.

 

I'm learning how to take Jenkins direction now: when he pops into my head now, I think, "I hope you find happiness" and "thank you for the lesson." And I find when I think those things, I finally find a peace that I couldn't find before. It's not a fondness for him or anything, it is helping me become indifferent. I find it helps me to let go.

 

I think waywards are in denial if they say they never think about the AP. Because we do. We are addicted in a limerence state... but we are like recovering alcoholics... just because we think about the drink doesn't necessarily mean we want the drink or we are going to go have the drink... but to deny that we are even thinking about it might cause it to grow and occupy more space in our heads. Accepting that what we did is a part of us and it was a horrible thing, but we are making strides each day to be better allows us to heal... at least that's what I'm finding in my case. Telling myself it's okay to think about it.. and maybe even want it is okay... as long as I don't act on those behaviors. Giving myself those permissions seems to make the urges and feelings ease.

 

I'm probably not making much sense. I'm tired.

 

OP, try to relax. If new guy is meant to be, it will be. And if not, if you aren't ready yet, that's okay too. The bottom line is you are climbing out and are beginning to realize you deserve better... and won't settle for less.

 

DS, hey fellow (((dude))), another great post! You ARE making sense, and you make me prouder of you every day, as does Sunshine! You are doing just great.

 

As recovering, reconciling waywards (and equally as the OM/OW now out ot the A), DS hs homed in on an important lesson: We WILL think of the A and of the AP, quite a lot, especially in the first few months. It's just human nature. We would have to be robots to be able to just switch that off. We went through an intense, emotional experience and developed a connection and that is going to stay in your head whether you like it or not. It's the WAY that you handle, process and deal with those thoughts that will determine your success and speed in recovery. And in handling them properly, they will eventually lessen and possibly all but disappear. We need to make those thoughts as positive, practical and healing as possible, just as DS describes. Negativity only damages us and delays recovery.

 

But it’s difficult to get into that mind set. As a wayward, when we have had an A and have been given the gift of reconciliation, everything and everyone (our BS, web articles, forums, LS....even ourselves) is screaming at us, that the very first thing we must do is completely stop any involvement with the AP, and that includes any thoughts and mental connections that we may have for them. They must effectively be dead to us - immediately. We accept this because everywhere is screaming it, but deep down we are troubled because the feelings and thoughts ARE there, even if we don’t dare visit them – or even acknowledge them. And we don’t dare say that those thoughts are there – it feels like we are causing further betrayal. Even on LS, a support forum, we often see WS getting berated for professing to still have thoughts for an xAP. It is absolute taboo, so we dangerously deny and lock these thoughts away in a corner of our minds – where they nag at us and decay our mental health. Deep down we feel we are failing, that we shouldn’t have these thoughts. How can we be genuine in R if we still harbour thoughts of the AP? I saw it a lot in DS’s early posts and I felt it myself after my own D-day. But we are not failing – this is completely normal. We are beating an addiction – and that is never easy. As the OW, it is so great to see Sunshine moving on so positively, but as she starts to explore the world of dating, she will inevitable find herself wrestling with these same issues – hence she started this thread. This is totally normal (((Sunshine)))! All part of the process and I have complete faith that you will be OK and will find peace!

 

The way I see it, if a WS is genuinely remorseful and wants to reconcile (and the same goes for an OM/OW who wants to break out of an A), they will usually be able to fulfil the physical side of the bargain - no more physical contact, no meetings, no messages, no calls, no shadowing, no smoke signals. In other words, complete NC. But the mental side is a very different animal. You can’t run away from your own mind and you can't just brainwash yourself....and the more you push the thoughts away, the more they bite, torment and nag away at you.

 

DS has already used the very relevant analogy of a drug addict who may "want" their drug, but doesn't "want to want" their drug and should be encouraged to process their addictive unhealthy thoughts in a mature way and not just deny that they exist, which could be very counter-productive and prevent recovery. After all, what’s our first instinct as a child when we are told NOT to do something? That thing has immediate power over us! Imagine that a mother shows her 4 year old child a large jar of colourful sweets/candy but then tells that child that they are bad for them, that she is going to shut the jar away in the kitchen cupboard and that the child is not allowed to touch that jar. In fact, the child is not even allowed to THINK of the jar! You can bet that that poor child’s whole day will be ruined by tortuous thoughts of those sweets! He may physically be able to obey his mother, but does that mean he is not thinking of those sweets? No way! Hopefully there aren’t really many mothers that cruel out there!

 

Wishing you all a nice weekend. J.

Edited September 8, 2017 by jenkins95

[Chica80]

DS, hey fellow (((dude))), another great post! You ARE making sense, and you make me prouder of you every day, as does Sunshine! You are doing just great.

 

As recovering, reconciling waywards (and equally as the OM/OW now out ot the A), DS hs homed in on an important lesson: We WILL think of the A and of the AP, quite a lot, especially in the first few months. It's just human nature. We would have to be robots to be able to just switch that off. We went through an intense, emotional experience and developed a connection and that is going to stay in your head whether you like it or not. It's the WAY that you handle, process and deal with those thoughts that will determine your success and speed in recovery. And in handling them properly, they will eventually lessen and possibly all but disappear. We need to make those thoughts as positive, practical and healing as possible, just as DS describes. Negativity only damages us and delays recovery.

 

But it’s difficult to get into that mind set. As a wayward, when we have had an A and have been given the gift of reconciliation, everything and everyone (our BS, web articles, forums, LS....even ourselves) is screaming at us, that the very first thing we must do is completely stop any involvement with the AP, and that includes any thoughts and mental connections that we may have for them. They must effectively be dead to us - immediately. We accept this because everywhere is screaming it, but deep down we are troubled because the feelings and thoughts ARE there, even if we don’t dare visit them – or even acknowledge them. And we don’t dare say that those thoughts are there – it feels like we are causing further betrayal. Even on LS, a support forum, we often see WS getting berated for professing to still have thoughts for an xAP. It is absolute taboo, so we dangerously deny and lock these thoughts away in a corner of our minds – where they nag at us and decay our mental health. Deep down we feel we are failing, that we shouldn’t have these thoughts. How can we be genuine in R if we still harbour thoughts of the AP? I saw it a lot in DS’s early posts and I felt it myself after my own D-day. But we are not failing – this is completely normal. We are beating an addiction – and that is never easy. As the OW, it is so great to see Sunshine moving on so positively, but as she starts to explore the world of dating, she will inevitable find herself wrestling with these same issues – hence she started this thread. This is totally normal (((Sunshine)))! All part of the process and I have complete faith that you will be OK and will find peace!

 

The way I see it, if a WS is genuinely remorseful and wants to reconcile (and the same goes for an OM/OW who wants to break out of an A), they will usually be able to fulfil the physical side of the bargain - no more physical contact, no meetings, no messages, no calls, no shadowing, no smoke signals. In other words, complete NC. But the mental side is a very different animal. You can’t run away from your own mind and you can't just brainwash yourself....and the more you push the thoughts away, the more they bite, torment and nag away at you.

 

DS has already used the very relevant analogy of a drug addict who may "want" their drug, but doesn't "want to want" their drug and should be encouraged to process their addictive unhealthy thoughts in a mature way and not just deny that they exist, which could be very counter-productive and prevent recovery. After all, what’s our first instinct as a child when we are told NOT to do something? That thing has immediate power over us! Imagine that a mother shows her 4 year old child a large jar of colourful sweets/candy but then tells that child that they are bad for them, that she is going to shut the jar away in the kitchen cupboard and that the child is not allowed to touch that jar. In fact, the child is not even allowed to THINK of the jar! You can bet that that poor child’s whole day will be ruined by tortuous thoughts of those sweets! He may physically be able to obey his mother, but does that mean he is not thinking of those sweets? No way! Hopefully there aren’t really many mothers that cruel out there!

 

Wishing you all a nice weekend. J.

 

Great post!!!

 

I know what you mean. Lately I have done the same thing. If I feel sad, I let myself feel it. If I need to cry I do. I cry I let it out and let go. It truly truly has made the difference.

Almost like ok I acknowledge I feel it, move on. Where as before it seemed consuming overwhelmong the pain and thoughts not so anymore.

[deadsoul]

Great post!!!

 

I know what you mean. Lately I have done the same thing. If I feel sad, I let myself feel it. If I need to cry I do. I cry I let it out and let go. It truly truly has made the difference.

Almost like ok I acknowledge I feel it, move on. Where as before it seemed consuming overwhelmong the pain and thoughts not so anymore.

 

Yep. And sometimes I still slip. I did last week and it was hard. But I rode it out. I told myself it was okay to feel it and okay to be sad and okay to miss him. And then before I knew it I wasn't sad and I didn't miss him and I felt okay again.

 

But before I acknowledged the pain, I started to panic and thought I was going to be stuck there again and even some of my old thoughts came back.

 

And guess what? It will happen again. And I will ride it out again and I am starting to believe that these moments will be less and less as time goes. But I also know I have to ACTIVELY try to get over it and not whine that I can't (and oh I did plenty of that, believe me). And I do that by looking at my thoughts and realizing if they are distorted or making assumptions. I can't change my emotions. But I can change my thoughts that often CAUSE the emotions.

[Chica80]

I saw him today, first time in weeks. It was for like 2 sec.

 

Strangely I didn't feel anything. Not sure what to make of that?

In the past that would have made me so sad or miss him or reach out. No, nothing, nada..

[deadsoul]

I saw him today, first time in weeks. It was for like 2 sec.

 

Strangely I didn't feel anything. Not sure what to make of that?

In the past that would have made me so sad or miss him or reach out. No, nothing, nada..

 

THAT right there is a great sign. Hold on to that. You are moving on.

[Chica80]

*Maybe not totally over it. But hopefully in a better direction.