Contemplating Leaving a Long-Term Marriage Good Guy

[MidlifeMama]

I am in a 25 Year marriage, 2 grown children. First let me say this about this thread:

I am looking for conversation specifically from those who are contemplating or have divorced after a long-term marriage. I am sorry for those who are sour, jilted or want to post about how you must stay married for life, please do not post on this thread.

 

I will try to shorten the story. I care deeply for my spouse. I respect him and we generally get along well. I do not have sexual feelings for him. When I married I knew this, but there were so many other qualites I loved and he saw something in me (perhaps a person to take care of after having been in a horrible relationship prior).

 

Fast forward 25 years. 50 hit me hard. Not physically but mentally. I have been contemplating a divorce for at least 8 years. I told my husband 2 years ago how I was feeling and he was devastated. I backed out and tried to work harder.

 

This feeling is not only about sex, far from it. I want passion. I want someone more like me. I'm an extrovert who he thinks laughs too loud, has 1 too many wines when out with friends. I want to travel, live life, have fun. The kids are finally grown and money is finally better.

 

He really only has interest in sitting on the deck (which is fine sometimes) or watching t.v. I never got to go to concerts, he is done with that. We do some things together but it feels like we are aquaintances. It's all good, fine, simple.

 

We don't argue, though that might spark "something", you know what I mean. I dont want to fight, just have someone with a pulse.

I can not change him nor do I really expect him to change.

He is who he is but I don't always feel I can be who I am. He has been a stable provider and good father.

 

I have tried to spice things up in all areas of our life, and he remains "vanilla". I go places by myself, but I feel like it would be wonderful to share experiences with someone by my side.

 

He is difficult to get to talk, especially about anything important and I have always taken on the tough stuff including any and all things associated with the kids.

 

I am NOT having a mid-life crisis. I am having an awakening.

 

Like so many, I stay because I do not want him to hurt. I do not want to break up the "Family Unit". Also, If I go, I would want to leave the state and move South. That there makes me terrified that my kids will hate me. It's hard, it's very hard to make such a huge, life-changing decision.

 

I can support myself, though my lifestyle will be much more lean, to say the least.

 

Getting past the stigma of friends and family thinking I am crazy to leave a "good guy" is also a hard pill to swallow.

 

Can anyone else relate?

Did you make the break? Has anyone moved? What were your fears starting over at mid-life?

 

Here are some of mine:

Family (Holidays and even seeing my grown children, as I would move away, would be hard)

Aging and Dating again (I still keep myself physically fit and feel I have plenty to offer, but what's out there)

Social Security (How does all that work down the road?)

 

I feel like I can be alone and get through it, but I know it won't be easy. I think my grown children will adapt.

 

How will feel when/if he re-marries and most men do sooner than women

 

How will I cope with his pain?

[aurelius99]

If you're going to follow through on this decision, I hope you're not planning on taking a cent from your husband for child support or alimony.

[central]

My ex wasn't a bad person, but we weren't really compatible, and had a sexless marriage for a long time. After 24 years, I'd had enough, and left. You only live once, and being unhappy when there isn't a damn good reason to suffer through, is a waste. If you do leave, be as kind as you can be, because - as you say - he's not a bad person, and doesn't deserve more hurt than is necessary to let you move on.

 

It was a good decision. We're both much happier now - she eventually remarried, and I met someone who is as ideal for me as I could hope, soon after I left.

[elaine567]

Are you planning on telling your husband about your 8 year affair, or are you just going to leave.

I note your affair was long distance, does your OM live in the South?

Are you really going there to be closer to him?

Or are you going there to make a completely fresh start?

Do you work at all?

 

However, if you know no-one in the South then it may be difficult for you to start again and "running away" if that is what you plan to do, always has the added disadvantage in that you bring YOU with you.

 

Personally I think life is too short to waste being unhappy, but just be careful what you wish for here is my advice.

[MidlifeMama]

Not running away to be with anyone, and no. So finding ME is not a terrible thing. Of course I bring ME. Just because I have made mistakes does not mean I do not care about my husband. May I ask what is your situation elaine567? You have been on here a long time it looks like. I appreciate the post but certainly feels judging instead of someone who may have been through similar.

[MidlifeMama]

Thank you for the reply

[DKT3]

I think what happens in situations like these is one only focus on what they don't have in the marriage, however, what hits hard after divorce is all the things you use to have.

 

I think your marriage is done, you've spent the last decade wanting out, just do it already. You aren't saving your husband from anything, every day you stay is a day you rob the both of you an opportunity to find someone ( in his case a woman who LOVES him. In your case passion and concerts and a drinking buddy)

 

You're kids are grown, period. They will adjust to the change.

[MidlifeMama]

I think I have come across wrong here. It's a hard topic to speak about. I made myself sound like I want passion, partying and the such. Yes, I want passion. For those who have it, you know why, for those who don't also know why. I know what love is and what marriage is about and nothing can be roses all the time. I do not have blinders on. Deciding to leave a long-term marriage is serious emotionally and in many ways. I also have come across as my husband is perfect. No man is perfect. We all have faults. This is not just about one thing but please understand how difficult it is to make the decision. So many seem angry because they dont understand my wanting to stay yet wanting to go. I feel my husband may also feel the same, but we have a history. We care about one another. It's difficult to put all of what one feels into why. Do I want to hurt a good guy, of course not. Do I find after years together it isn't the best match, yes, I do, but it isn't like I just want to leave, hurt him and party. Far from what is going on and I think instead of judging maybe I could hear from people who have experienced the heartache of loving someone yet not wanting marriage with them any longer.

I think relationships are good when they are good but even in the good ones they can be hard. Just because there is no abuse and he is a good guy, does not mean we are meant to be forever. It also doesnt mean I haven't been trying and have tried to get him to try. Yes, I have been thinking about going for a long time, but I still care deeply for him, thus the lack of courage to go. I realize I may not find another good guy. I have been in abusive relationships in the past. Also, there are many types of love and that can change even with the same person, over time. I won't sit here and bash my husband but he is far from perfect but still a wonderful person. I am just trying to sort through feelings, and very difficult decisions.

[DKT3]

Actually, how you've described him is far from perfect, in fact his comes off like a boring dull bump on a log as you described.

 

I've not seen any judgement of you here, I think what you have a hard time with is hearing from other has made you feel bad and then defensive.

 

I have personally been divorced while completely in love tons of passion the whole nine. However, I knew at that point in time she couldn't give me what I needed and I wasn't sure I could treat her and interact with her in a way that our kids would learn how to maintain a healthy relationship.

 

Your situation isn't any more difficult than anyone elses here.

[Popsicle]

25 years is very good run. Surely things have to be stale or some people have to be tired of each other by then? That's the way I see it. Others may choose to see it as, you lasted 25 good years, why divorce after so long?

[MMT]

My dear,

 

I can see through your words how much love you have in your heart for your spouse.

I strongly believe that sexual feelings can be developed even if you have not felt sexual toward him in ages. When you think back through your relationship, can you think of moments you felt attracted to him and that sex was good? If so, I believe you can feel that away again. It can be mechanical at first, but I am a strong believer that sex starts in our heads and we can definitely make it happen if we put our minds to it.

Your sex life has a lot more to do with you than it has to do with him, believe it or not.

 

It seems to me that you needed comfort when you first met and he was that safe place for you.

 

You said that "50 hit you hard, not physically but mentally" yet your say that you are not having a mid life crisis. Have you considered sitting with a counselor (a real one), and discussing the changes your are facing? Talking with a professional or deeply analyzing ourselves will help us discover the truth. At this point, I sense that you are confused.

 

When you said that you tried to work harder in your marriage after you told him about the thoughts of divorce, what exactly have you done?

Have you joined a group to help you stay together? Have you gone to counseling, talked to a spiritual leader, prayed, improved your thoughts on sex, have you read books on improvement?

What exactly have you done to save your marriage?

 

I'm asking because I personally feel that we have to be extremely intentional to stay married. That's a work that can be done together. If your husband felt devastated, what have you both worked together on to stay together? Staying together is a work that needs to be done together.

 

You mentioned that you want passion and someone more like you. Why would you want someone more like you? I think the point here would be to accept yourself despite your husbands thoughts about you and accept him for who he is.

Have you shared your desires to travel with him? Have you encouraged him to make plans with you to go on a trip?

I believe that you can communicate those needs with him and you can work together to accomplish them.

 

Someone more like you will not read your mind and think the same, because NO one is compatible, that is a lie and a myth.

I honestly believe that you can join forces with your spouse and create the life you both dreamed, which can be traveling or sitting on the deck at times.

 

You said "I can not change him nor do I really expect him to change", I believe that when we are in a relationship we have to become flexible. Your husband can learn to give you more of what you need and you give him more of what he needs. Life can be so amazing if you learn to work together.

It's not too late.

 

I sense that you want to go places with him, tell him how important that is to you, find out what you can do together once a week that will fulfill your needs for adventure. You choose the concert and he comes along. Then you can sit on the deck for a day and that will create balance.

 

Your awakening can be that you can make the life you dreamed of with him. Work together to save what you have built so far.

Stay because you love each other, stay because you can make it work together not because of family pressure. That "family unit" is another pressure that creates broken marriages for the sake of the kids.

Break free from falseness, become real.

 

You have to communicate your needs, someone who has held inside the desire to divorce for 8 years is obviously lacking in communication and disconnected from their marriage.

 

I wouldn't make any final decision in a temporary season if I were you. Moving south can be an isolating decision that will bring you a lot of pain.

 

I see that you have so many concerns about the whole situation. I would focus on working together and learn to communicate better and fulfill your needs in this marriage to avoid meeting someone more like you and messing it up all over again for your lack of development in a relationship.

 

I sense that even though you've been unhappy and unfulfilled you are way to scared to move away, you seem very emotional and unsure. If I were you I would start looking inward to figure out what s really going on and develop a plan for saving your marriage.

 

Best of luck my dear.

Edited September 3, 2017 by MMT

[Bufo]

This reply does not touch on the emotional or family aspects of your post. Rather it attempts to answer a specific question you posed and to suggest some proactive steps you may wish to consider.

 

First, social security. You have been married long enough to have a choice when you opt for social security. First, the choice you will have is his benefit rate or yours. You are now qualified to receive one half of his benefit. It doesn't cost him anything as he will receive his full benefit when he gets social security whether you choose half his benefit rate or not. If for example he qualifies for $2000 per month, you could get $1000 per month. His benefit is based on his highest 40 quarters of his work.

 

The alternative is that your benefit can be based on your own earning record if you have 40 quarters of earnings. Whether that is more or less is a simple question of math. Get an appointment at your local SS office to learn what these amounts are based on current earnings. I don't know your ages, but the closer to retirement age you two are the more accurate the estimates will be.

 

The second suggestion is to meet with a divorce attorney to learn how assets will likely be divided. This includes pension benefits accrued at the time of divorce and the likelihood and amount of spousal support and it's likely duration.

The reality is that two households cost more to maintain than one joint household, but you may be surprised at what level of support is available.

 

Know that a remarriage changes all these financial amounts.

 

I haven't offered specifics as specific numbers depend on earnings history and how your state views spousal support in divorce. But you should be able to get some ballpark figures which should help in your planning.

[MidlifeMama]

Thank you MMT for the suggestions and insight

[MidlifeMama]

Bufo,

I appreciate your response. So if I do not re-marry, I could be intitled to half of my spouses SS? You write he will still receive his full amount too? He makes much more money than I, but I was concerned for the future to take any he had earned, leaving him with little. Not my intention, but If I read this right, he would still get his full amount (depending on the age he retires) and if I did not re-marry, I could opt for mine or half of what he gets, not taking away from him?

[Bufo]

Doesn't cost him a penny. But splitting his pension will cost him money. Because if he had taken cash during the marriage there would have been more non-pension assets available during the marriage. Ditto for 401K and IRA money. In short, the law doesn't recognize a pension as "his" property. States are all over the board on spousal support. See a lawyer who practices divorce

Law for these issues.

 

I'm not pushing for divorce. But you should know in advance what the likely outcome is. You should also ask about health insurance coverage during and After divorce.

[MidlifeMama]

Hi,

I am considering a divorce after almost 25 years. Many reasons and none of them have to do with abuse, addiction or anything terribly wrong. Just not a good match , compatibility, malaise, energy opposites, lack of sexual and physical attraction and contact.

We have grown children.

My question is, has anyone divorced amicably or not but remained good friends or at least worked on that after the divorce and still attended family functions with adult children? How did your adult children handle it and what tools did you use to work through those family dynamics?

[whatnot]

my sister went through this. everyone knew she was crazy. He didn't even contest her lawyers taking half of everything. That's just the kind of guy he is.

 

She would call me from where ever....with her other man....the man who made her fell passionate....free....compatible....she'd call me....looking for support. all I could do is to tell her that I love her no matter what....but...she's making a mistake. She hated that. Felt judged. But....what was I supposed to do? Lie to my sister? Tell her things I believed untrue? Friends do not do that. Friends tell us what we *don't* wanna hear.. I told her that because I LOVE her. Of course, I could'a been wrong...but...I called it like I saw it.

 

 

They were separated about a year. Her dream man...turned out he was married and an abuser. That was the end of that.

 

She was still going through with the divorce though.. "He just doesn't meet my needs anymore...." on and on it went.....months on end...

 

finally....on the morning of divorce court.....she called her lawyer and told him...."I cannot do this. No divorce".

 

When I asked her "why did you do THAT? You've spent the last few years wanting out.....and the last year looking for what you wanted....what happened?" She told me....

 

"David...I just realized.....I couldn't do that to my best friend".

 

Their marriage has been one of the strongest marriages to my knowledge ever since. They make time for each other. And NOTHING comes before the other one's well-being.

 

I hope you find what you're looking for. Someone....just like you (I've learned....that's the LAST thing lol I need....smile...but...that's another thread...another story....and another question....)

 

good luck

 

take care

[whatnot]

that's been 20 some odd years ago. He'll be retiring in another year or so. they'll sell the place soon. too much to take care of. I think they'll probably travel.

[MidlifeMama]

my sister went through this. everyone knew she was crazy. He didn't even contest her lawyers taking half of everything. That's just the kind of guy he is.

 

She would call me from where ever....with her other man....the man who made her fell passionate....free....compatible....she'd call me....looking for support. all I could do is to tell her that I love her no matter what....but...she's making a mistake. She hated that. Felt judged. But....what was I supposed to do? Lie to my sister? Tell her things I believed untrue? Friends do not do that. Friends tell us what we *don't* wanna hear.. I told her that because I LOVE her. Of course, I could'a been wrong...but...I called it like I saw it.

 

 

They were separated about a year. Her dream man...turned out he was married and an abuser. That was the end of that.

 

She was still going through with the divorce though.. "He just doesn't meet my needs anymore...." on and on it went.....months on end...

 

finally....on the morning of divorce court.....she called her lawyer and told him...."I cannot do this. No divorce".

 

When I asked her "why did you do THAT? You've spent the last few years wanting out.....and the last year looking for what you wanted....what happened?" She told me....

 

"David...I just realized.....I couldn't do that to my best friend".

 

Their marriage has been one of the strongest marriages to my knowledge ever since. They make time for each other. And NOTHING comes before the other one's well-being.

 

I hope you find what you're looking for. Someone....just like you (I've learned....that's the LAST thing lol I need....smile...but...that's another thread...another story....and another question....)

 

good luck

 

take care

 

Thank you taking the time to show me a different perspective! It touched a cord with me about her not being able to do that to her best friend! The thread if you will that keeps me both stuck and keeps me thinking of what a mistake it could be to go.

[stillafool]

I've been married and divorced and am friendly with my ex husband. If you aren't happy, which clearly you aren't, it doesn't matter what others think or have been through. You know what is best for you. You just have to have courage. Your husband may very well marry again as it is easier for most men at that age than women. It shouldn't matter as I'm sure you want him to be happy as you pursue your own happiness. I don't have kids but most of my friends who have divorced do attend functions involving their kids with their exes present.

[MidlifeMama]

I've been married and divorced and am friendly with my ex husband. If you aren't happy, which clearly you aren't, it doesn't matter what others think or have been through. You know what is best for you. You just have to have courage. Your husband may very well marry again as it is easier for most men at that age than women. It shouldn't matter as I'm sure you want him to be happy as you pursue your own happiness. I don't have kids but most of my friends who have divorced do attend functions involving their kids with their exes present.

 

Thanks for the reply! Can I ask you if you initiated the divorce? Was it amicable? Or was it rough and then you two worked out being friends later?

I certainly do want him to be happy!

[stillafool]

Thanks for the reply! Can I ask you if you initiated the divorce? Was it amicable? Or was it rough and then you two worked out being friends later?

I certainly do want him to be happy!

 

Yes I wanted out and initiated the divorce. He was upset, fought me on it and resented me for a long time for not coming back. Finally we made peace and after some years met my now husband and am happy. My ex is still single but happy.

[standtall]

Midlife mama...How about honoring the oath and contract you signed in front of God, family, and friends.

[MJJean]

Midlife mama...How about honoring the oath and contract you signed in front of God, family, and friends.

 

Too late. She's had an 8 YEAR affair.

 

MidlifeMama, you've been betraying your "best friend" for 8 YEARS. If you can stab him in the back repeatedly for about 96 months, surely you can file for a divorce.

[stillafool]

Oh I didn't know you were involved in an affair for 8 years. No wonder your marriage isn't working out. Definitely divorce, get with your affair partner or anyone else. Set your husband free to find the love of his life. He is wise not to have sex with you since you are having sex with another. You have already broken your vows so God would not hold your husband responsible. Let him go.