Contemplating Leaving a Long-Term Marriage Good Guy

[MidlifeMama]

I find it so ironic that "Godly" people can judge when it should be God only judging me. Why come to these posts if you can not relate? Why are you even on this board if your life is so wonderful? Perhaps you feel something is missing in your own lives as well? Do you people search out the hurting and the sinners so that you can bash us? Let's burn the witches. I had asked that people post that can relate. I am not proud of my affair, but you have no right to judge me. Go back to church and work on yourselves.

[elaine567]

My question is, has anyone divorced amicably or not but remained good friends or at least worked on that after the divorce and still attended family functions with adult children? How did your adult children handle it and what tools did you use to work through those family dynamics?

 

No-one can say what will happen in your case, every divorce is different because the people and circumstances involved are different.

Also divorce is a huge event in any family's life, so it is difficult to gauge anyone's reactions.

The loving "best friend" husband/wife may completely change and want nothing to do with the spouse seeking divorce as they feel let down, betrayed and very angry, and on the other hand the "enemy" husband/wife may feel a lot better once divorced and may indeed end up as a best friend. Some divorces start amicable and end in a feud and others start as a feud and end up amicable. There is a huge spectrum of different scenarios between it all ending peaceably and it all ending like a war zone.

 

Some adult children will be cool with it all, some will even be happy, some will be indifferent, some will be very angry and annoyed, some will take sides, some will introduce distance and some will essentially disappear all together from the life of the parent who they felt was "in the wrong".

 

Carving up assets can be a big bone of contention too, losing a house, a lifestyle, a status, even a pet, can hit some very hard and that can take its toll on even the most "amicable" divorce.

 

I guess, you want some guarantee that your divorce will be amicable and that your kids will be fine and that you can still be friends with your STBXH and all will be hunky dory, but no-one can say that.

Hundreds of people can say they had an amicable divorce, but in your case your husband and kids may hate you for life, who knows how they will react? I am not saying they will hate you, hopefully not... but it is one of the things you need to consider.

 

You have to do a cost benefit analysis and in it put in the worst case scenario, you may have to leave WITHOUT the support and good will of your husband and kids; to think otherwise may be being a bit naive.

[MidlifeMama]

No-one can say what will happen in your case, every divorce is different because the people and circumstances involved are different.

Also divorce is a huge event in any family's life, so it is difficult to gauge anyone's reactions.

The loving "best friend" husband/wife may completely change and want nothing to do with the spouse seeking divorce as they feel let down, betrayed and very angry, and on the other hand the "enemy" husband/wife may feel a lot better once divorced and may indeed end up as a best friend. Some divorces start amicable and end in a feud and others start as a feud and end up amicable. There is a huge spectrum of different scenarios between it all ending peaceably and it all ending like a war zone.

 

Some adult children will be cool with it all, some will even be happy, some will be indifferent, some will be very angry and annoyed, some will take sides, some will introduce distance and some will essentially disappear all together from the life of the parent who they felt was "in the wrong".

 

Carving up assets can be a big bone of contention too, losing a house, a lifestyle, a status, even a pet, can hit some very hard and that can take its toll on even the most "amicable" divorce.

 

I guess, you want some guarantee that your divorce will be amicable and that your kids will be fine and that you can still be friends with your STBXH and all will be hunky dory, but no-one can say that.

Hundreds of people can say they had an amicable divorce, but in your case your husband and kids may hate you for life, who knows how they will react? I am not saying they will hate you, hopefully not... but it is one of the things you need to consider.

 

You have to do a cost benefit analysis and in it put in the worst case scenario, you may have to leave WITHOUT the support and good will of your husband and kids; to think otherwise may be being a bit naive.

Yes, of course and that plays into my thoughts and emotions strongly! Thanks for your input.

[BluesPower]

This is a tough decision... and everyone should understand it.

 

I do. But, MM, you need to consider several things. Let's not pretend that your 8 year affair did not play into you losing feelings for your H. That is just silly for anyone to suggest.

 

Now, if he was never a good lover, never had any passion, and was always a bump on a log, well then it is your fault for staying with him for that long. In essence you have wasted that part of your life and accepted the lack of passion. But honestly how much passion can you have for a man that you were cheating on for 1/3 of your marriage.

 

I was married for 26 years and it was a nightmare and I was a complete fool for staying. I had reasons that I thought were valid but they really turned out to be stupid reasons for staying in hindsight.

 

Your H will be pissed to say the least when he has to divide half of his/your assets through no fault of his own, as he will see it.

 

And why is it that women always want to be friends when they screw a guy over? I will never understand that.

 

So to the divorce, understand that your life style will change a lot. The level of discretionary money that you have will fall dramatically. You will have to worry about paying your bills again like you did when you were young.

 

However, there are a lot of things to like when you are able to move on with your life.

 

I completely understand that you want passion in your life and I feel the same way. I am actually astounded by the number of women that I have been with that have actually NEVER had any decent sex. I just never realized it was that bad for some people.

 

To your husband, I totally get the bump on log aspect. But a lot of men and women get into that mentality and it is very hard to break them out of it.

 

Why this happens, I will never understand. Complacency would be the main reason I guess, but I still don't understand it. Some men just don't want to put the effort in to make and keep their women happy. I don't understand that either. Frankly, women need romance, they need to fell desired, they need to feel beautiful, and I love making them feel that way.

 

Since I have divorced and really before for the final decision was made I have been getting back into partying form and I am having a great time.

 

There are a lot of reasons to get divorced and if you are not happy, that would be the main reason in my opinion. My Ex never did anything to keep us together for years, she only made an effort when she saw how I could basically have the pick of the litter as far as women were concerned. Even then it was half hearted.

 

The kids, there is really no way to guess how they will react, they could all have different reactions. You will not know what that reaction is until it is actually happening.

 

Just understand that you only get one life, so you need to make the best of it. If that means divorce, fine. If it means creating passion with your husband, fine.

 

I do wonder though... Have you told him about your affair, physical or not? Have you explained that the status quo will lead to divorce? Have you actually told him that your sex life with him is not good and you want more.

 

Sometimes, brutal honesty, while it can be hurtful, can also be helpful. Sometimes, getting him to understand what he is fixing to lose, can make him step up to that plate.

 

And sometime it does not...

[MidlifeMama]

Thank you so much for the insight BluesPower! You gave me a lot to think about. I really appreciat your views and thoughts and taking the time to post!