Author ShannonM10 Posted July 25, 2017 Author Share Posted July 25, 2017 Wasn't sure where to put this post but I am really torn on what to do. Long story short, my ex and I broke up a long time ago now, almost a year and a half, and he got engaged to someone else quickly. We have had minimal contact as he basically cheated on me emotionally. Last contact we had was me telling him to leave me alone since he called me one night repeatedly months ago. Well the other night I got home from camping for the weekend, my phone had been dead, I turned it on and I had a notification that the girl he was with was trying to add me on social media. Not only that, she had his last name as hers, even thought I do know they aren't married yet. She did this on the only social media platform I didn't think to block her on..twitter. I know she changed her last name to his to take a dig at me, what I don't understand is why? I have done nothing to this person, I have only had contact with him to tell him how disappointed I am and hurt that after 5 years together and us buying a home he treated me this way. We had known eachother for 7 years in total. I really don't understand why she would do this? Its not like I have been blasting him with texts asking for him back or anything... My dilemma is this, I am really tempted to write him and tell him what a psycho this person is. If you read my previous threads this girl has displayed some weirdo behavior...breaking into his phone, calling my cell phone from his when I found out about them and me and him were talking in the car, stalking me on social media, adding all his family 2 days after we broke up...the list goes on. My friends say to leave it as its obviously a sign she is super insecure and that if they were truly happy and in a good relationship no one in there right mind would do that. They say obviously something is going on for her to do that to me. I know ultimatrly its not about me its about her issues/...but I feel like I want him to know how psychotic that is and not cool. I am trying to move on...like screw off!! Should I tell him to get a handle on this chick?? or should I leave it and let her sabotage the relationship herself?? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 Can you just send him her tweet with no real comment and just maybe a "Got this. Have no idea why." I want to save you from doing something you are really going to regret, and that is after all this time telling him how hurt you are. And here's why. It will only make you look really pathetic. It's not going to make him have regrets. It's just going to make you look obsessed and pathetic. I know that's not fair, but why give him the ego gratification of knowing you're still emotional about his sorry butt? The way to win here is to appear too busy for his and her sophomoric petty BS and act as if he was the last thing on your mind and that you have moved on. Because I know you've heard this before, but it is true: Living well is the best revenge. And seeking the elusive "resolution" by vomiting emotions that you're still trying to deal with will only humiliate you, not him. So either have NO response and just block her about a month from now so she isn't even sure if you ever noticed her post, or if you think he really cares he's with a petty sophomoric little psycho, then do that first suggestion, but don't keep up any back and forth with him and then block him as well to show you don't have time for this nonsense and don't give a crap. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShannonM10 Posted July 25, 2017 Author Share Posted July 25, 2017 Thankyou for the timely response, I have no intention of rehashing how hurt I am. We already discussed it on different occasions and he knows it. I just wanted to be like "is there a reason why "person" is trying to add me on social media?? Its psychotic". That was my plan if I did go ahead and send it. I would like him to know what shes doing as its uncalled for and creepy, but maybe he doesn't deserve to know and shes obviously trying to get a reaction... Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 If you get involved, you will appear vindictive. He's made his choices - so let him be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whatnot Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 What difference does it make how anything appears? Why don't you ask her...she's the one doing this...not anyone else. why bring anyone else into something they're not involved in? Block her. OR....if your curious....ask her why she wants to be friends....OR...just be friends like any other friend. Go to her directly. "Your man" (he's not your man anymore) has nothing to do with this. my opinion....getting him involved doesn't look vindictive...it *is* vindictive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 26, 2017 Share Posted July 26, 2017 He'll probably just come back with "Yeah, she's real jealous of me," trying to pump himself up and make you feel like you lost out. Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted July 26, 2017 Share Posted July 26, 2017 Block her. Remove both of them from your life. Link to post Share on other sites
kortz Posted July 26, 2017 Share Posted July 26, 2017 Block her because you're the bigger person and don't care to get involved in her games. Whatever her reasons for doing it are his problem. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted July 26, 2017 Share Posted July 26, 2017 (edited) I am really tempted to write him and tell him what a psycho this person is -- It is unlikely he will accept what you have to say about her. It will be you against her basically and you'll just become the "crazy ex" trying to sabotage their relationship. These things don't usually go the way you hope or think they will. Let it go. She's his problem. The reason for taking the high road, is so that you aren't on the same low road they are on . . . Edited July 26, 2017 by Redhead14 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ieris Posted July 27, 2017 Share Posted July 27, 2017 Should I tell him to get a handle on this chick?? or should I leave it and let her sabotage the relationship herself?? Do this! You don't even need to lift a finger. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Goodguy05 Posted July 27, 2017 Share Posted July 27, 2017 (edited) Wasn't sure where to put this post but I am really torn on what to do. Long story short, my ex and I broke up a long time ago now, almost a year and a half, and he got engaged to someone else quickly. We have had minimal contact as he basically cheated on me emotionally. Last contact we had was me telling him to leave me alone since he called me one night repeatedly months ago. <snip> Maybe cautiusly tell her to leave you alone and block her on everything i wouldnt say anything to ur ex about her leave em be however tell her to bugger off Edited July 27, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShannonM10 Posted September 1, 2017 Author Share Posted September 1, 2017 (edited) I have posted numerous times on this over the past two years, you can read my prior threads if interested. I have attended counseling and have been working on myself for the duration of the time apart. I also have made great strides in my life and have been dating, noticing that men find me attractive and desireable and have had no problems meeting people. I think the hardest thing I am struggling with, is the fact that Im pretty sure me ex is getting married this up coming month to the person he betrayed me with. Everything happened so fast that I still am somewhat in shock that he got engaged to her after only a year of us buying a house and breaking up. So essentially he moved from me to her and will be married a year and 11 months after we broke up. I don't know how to let go and look at it as a dodged bullet. I want to get off this karma train im going around in circles on. Yes she has done some crazy things that I would never tolerate in a relationship, and for whatever reason he is ok with, she even went as far as stalking me on social media and trying to get me to see his last name as hers (even though they aren't married yet!). This is not normal behavior and should NOT be happening a month before there wedding ( I am assuming its this month as per when I found out a yr ago). I cut all contact almost a year ago except to tell him to tell her to back off and leave me alone after the socal media incident. I guess my question is, do these relationships work? And, how do you get passed the betrayal? How do you come to terms with the fact that they just replaced you and moved on like nothing while you are so devastated. I am in a way better place..and betterthis happened before marriage....but does history usually repeat in these cases? Im so sick of hurting over someone that clearly doesn't deserve it and I am sick of thinking about him, its like I cant shut my brain off and I build these stories in my head about how much happier he must be etc. etc. How the hell can you know you want to spend the rest of your life with someone that you've known for a year? Anyways, for all the people that have gone through something similar, how did you cope? Its annoying and I want to completely wipe him from my memory for good. Edited September 1, 2017 by ShannonM10 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted September 2, 2017 Share Posted September 2, 2017 Who cares what will happen to them. What happened to you is that you got rid of a no good bum. Be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 2, 2017 Share Posted September 2, 2017 This is a blessing in disguise. Once you see this, you'll push forward and not let him ruin you and your life. It hurts, it sucks but there isn't anything you can do to change things back to where they once were. When the timing is right you will find happiness again with someone else. Rely on good friends and family to help you and support you through this and also get counseling so you can heal well and stay healthy. Focus on you and your life not your ex's and his OW. He's moved on and yeah he screwed you over big time and ruined your marriage, but he isn't worth anymore of your tears or sadness! Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted September 2, 2017 Share Posted September 2, 2017 Counseling didn't do much for me. What worked is moving on with my life. You can't drive forward with your eyes constantly in the rearview mirror. Learn what you needed to learn from this and move on. It was about him, not about you. Link to post Share on other sites
Steve51 Posted September 2, 2017 Share Posted September 2, 2017 I was cheated on by my ex fiancé and then the girlfriend after her. Both got married to someone else. The first to a man and then a woman and the second to a much older man who was her best customer for lap dances. First thing you have to do is stop letting your exe emotionally control you without even trying. He is living his life without thinking about you but you are still rooted in what was and could have been. You are the only one doing this to yourself. No one but you is causing your feelings. You can never forget a betrayal. I never did but I did not let it still control me long after it happened. In each case I got a new girlfriend and forgot the old. The saying that the best way to get over a man is to get under another is very true. As soon as I entered into a sexual relationship with another woman, I stopped thinking about my exes. I never let past events control my emotions and life. The past does not exist anymore and you are not the only spouse to be betrayed. To tell the truth I do not view cheating as a betrayal of the same magnitude that you do which is probably why it does not affect me much. We are all human and do get attracted to others. Even our love and needs change over time. We start off with courtship love where you overlook each other's faults and go at it like rabbit. That eventually wears off and then it is decision time to choose if you want to spend the rest of your life with your spouse or not. This is when many people cheat and get divorced. We also change over time. I never had the idealized version of marriage that you did. We are a world of serial monogamist with a 50% divorce rate and even higher cheating rate. You idealized marriage which is why you feel so betrayed. Perhaps if you forgive him it will help. We are all human with needs and wants that change over time. What was good for a few years may end up not being good enough anymore. That is life and human nature. I forgave the women who cheated on me. You can never forget but you can forgive and leave the past in the past. One thing I learned to be true in my 66 years on earth is that the best revenge is to live life well. Right now you are showing him how much he still controls you. Not much of a revenge plan. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted September 2, 2017 Share Posted September 2, 2017 I have posted numerous times on this over the past two years, you can read my prior threads if interested. I have attended counseling and have been working on myself for the duration of the time apart. I also have made great strides in my life and have been dating, noticing that men find me attractive and desireable and have had no problems meeting people. I think the hardest thing I am struggling with, is the fact that Im pretty sure me ex is getting married this up coming month to the person he betrayed me with. Everything happened so fast that I still am somewhat in shock that he got engaged to her after only a year of us buying a house and breaking up. So essentially he moved from me to her and will be married a year and 11 months after we broke up. I don't know how to let go and look at it as a dodged bullet. I want to get off this karma train im going around in circles on. Yes she has done some crazy things that I would never tolerate in a relationship, and for whatever reason he is ok with, she even went as far as stalking me on social media and trying to get me to see his last name as hers (even though they aren't married yet!). This is not normal behavior and should NOT be happening a month before there wedding ( I am assuming its this month as per when I found out a yr ago). I cut all contact almost a year ago except to tell him to tell her to back off and leave me alone after the socal media incident. I guess my question is, do these relationships work? And, how do you get passed the betrayal? How do you come to terms with the fact that they just replaced you and moved on like nothing while you are so devastated. I am in a way better place..and betterthis happened before marriage....but does history usually repeat in these cases? Im so sick of hurting over someone that clearly doesn't deserve it and I am sick of thinking about him, its like I cant shut my brain off and I build these stories in my head about how much happier he must be etc. etc. How the hell can you know you want to spend the rest of your life with someone that you've known for a year? Anyways, for all the people that have gone through something similar, how did you cope? Its annoying and I want to completely wipe him from my memory for good. If she is still messing with you then she sees you as a threat. You need to find a "good way" to take your mind off of this. Keep busy and get a puppy or something else to love on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pheonixrisen Posted September 2, 2017 Share Posted September 2, 2017 If she is going social media crazy..it simply means her relationship with your ex is not on good foundation either ... Happy couple living in bliss don't stalk exes social media or even bother about it . I don't think you ever get over a betrayal like this .in time you come to an acceptance that it happened to you and be at peace with it . But if you keep scratching an open wound it will never heal . You need to find a way to redirect your thoughts and in time the memory fades and is off less significance to us ...it will become something that happened to us but does not control us . Irrespective of the fact that he ended with up with her ...the good thing is you removed him from your life .and now can move forward without spending next 2 or 5 or 6 years in reconciliation ..which I can tell you is hell to go through Rebuilding trust is no easy feat and even then you never trust a 100%. ...walking away is like ripping a bandage it hurts but in time it fades away . Ignore them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted September 2, 2017 Share Posted September 2, 2017 There is no right or wrong when it comes to how you feel. Your feeling are what they are. If you are angry, let it out. Try and find a healthy way to express it. As for moving on, give yourself a break and let it happen naturally. Treat yourself to new experiences, whether that's taking a vacation on your own or with a close friend, singing up for a class or even just trying new stores and places to eat. I know that sounds trite, but it can really help. When it comes to your ex and his soon to be wife, meh. Nether one of them is a prize package, and I have a sneaking suspicion that neither one of them, in their heart of hearts, will ever be able to trust the other. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
deadsoul Posted September 2, 2017 Share Posted September 2, 2017 My advice is every time he pops up in your mind to wish him well (in your mind only.. NC) and thank him for the lessons (also in your mind) and then focus on you. You need to get to a point where it doesn't matter if their relationship works out or not. I'm off FB and that's one of the best things I did this year. It is a matter of changing your thinking and then your emotions will follow. Do some reading about mindfulness and living in the now. Some of it sounds really hokey, but I discovered I always thought about the past or worried about the future and I was forgetting the simple joys of now. I promise, it works and I'm learning how to love and appreciate myself. It's a slow, hard process. But two years is a long time to be stuck and you will have to do some changing in your thinking to be free. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RewindRomancer Posted September 4, 2017 Share Posted September 4, 2017 Stop stalking your ex on social media.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted September 5, 2017 Share Posted September 5, 2017 OP- Just think about the lack of trust in their relationship. They are both cheaters. what trust is possible in that relationship? You did dodge a bullet. you will be better off without worrying what he is up to if you were still in a relationship with him. Hope you do find happiness in your future. Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted September 5, 2017 Share Posted September 5, 2017 An exercise that can really help you to take stock of your life... Sit somewhere comfortable and get really relaxed. Close your eyes and picture where you want to be in your life next year, five years form now, ten years from now. Think of all the wonderful things that are going to happen to you. You'll be free and ale to enjoy a wealth of new experiences and great times. Meanwhile, The two them, if they stay together, will always have baggage to carry. When you think of it, in many ways, she did you a favour. She posts all over social media? Meh. Let the baby have her bottle. You have your own wonderful life to live. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShannonM10 Posted October 1, 2017 Author Share Posted October 1, 2017 So little update, I was on tinder at work today....and came across my exes friend..went to block him so scrolled down..and there was pics of him at what I'm assuming was my exes wedding cause I saw my exes bro in a suit with his friend I wanted to vomit everywhere and was on tears all day. Never did I expect to come across it and have again really tried to protect myself from finding anything out. I can't believe it actually happened..after what he did to me...how she behaved..how quickly everything moved. I knew this was the last hurdle...but man does it suck. Thanks for everyone's encouragement and words. You have no idea how much you have been my anchor through this all. Link to post Share on other sites
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