Pattern in LDR..not sure .

[BrewCrew25]

Hi!

 

 

This is my first post, thanks for everyone who reads and gives me their input.

 

 

 

 

I'm having trouble in my LDR at the moment. He's wanted me to move to be with him (4 hour flight and 34 hour drive away) but he has a pattern of growing distant from me, focusing on his hobbies and other things like that, then I tell him how I feel, he apologizes and changes for a bit and then goes back to doing what he was doing. Because of this pattern we have been on again, off again for so long. When we met I was in college and we were only an 30 minute drive from each other, but he decided he wanted to move back to be with his family and its so far. I've always felt like he is just really unaware of my feelings. I don't want to think he doesn't care, because every time he realizes I'm feeling like this he will literally cry his eyes out, begging me to give him another chance and then will

 

 

The other night he told me he was really depressed. It made me angry because he chose to move so far away, chooses to work from home, and chooses to live in his parent's basement so he can 'save money'. I've had a lot of deaths in the past year and things out of my control but try really hard to stay positive, so I sort of snapped at him and began crying. He told me he doesn't want me to be sad in this relationship and that maybe it should end, but I know that if I end things with him he will just call me in a day or so crying his eyes out. In the past I've had to block his number so I can have some time to think. I feel a bit trapped? But I also think I love him and care for him deeply. I am also so close to my family and they don't like him, he doesn't like them. He refuses to move near me, knowing my dad just died unexpectedly and I've been moving around for the last few years. I just have this feeling that he's a really selfish person deep down, and maybe is playing me?

 

 

Any input would be appreciated. Thank you

[Seriousperson]

Has he tried to get help for his depression? I'm really not hating on people w/depression, but honestly if he doesn't seek help, you deserve someone who will treat you right. Unless he does something drastic, your relationship will always be a up and down cycle. In my experience, if someone truly cares about you, you don't need to tell them how to treat you. When I would tell my partner I needed attention, I got that for a short while, then I felt neglected again. You cannot be the only one fighting for a relationship and he should appreciate you all the time, not when you are out the door and fed up w/being treated so poorly.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm very sorry for the loss of your dad, OP. I can imagine this has been a very chaotic time for you.

 

A few questions for context:

 

Why does your family not like him?

 

How long have you been together?

 

When you saw he grows distant, what do you mean exactly? Contact is reduced, or drops completely - and for how long? How often does this happen?

 

As as Seriousperson also asked, is he getting any treatment for his depression?

[d0nnivain]

I don't know about patterns but the on-going distance with no meaningful prospect that it will ever end is taking a toll on you both. You are not going to move to him. He's not going to move to you. What else is there?

 

I suggest you give up this pipe dream of ever being together & move on to date people who live closer.

[BrewCrew25]

Has he tried to get help for his depression? I'm really not hating on people w/depression, but honestly if he doesn't seek help, you deserve someone who will treat you right. Unless he does something drastic, your relationship will always be a up and down cycle. In my experience, if someone truly cares about you, you don't need to tell them how to treat you. When I would tell my partner I needed attention, I got that for a short while, then I felt neglected again. You cannot be the only one fighting for a relationship and he should appreciate you all the time, not when you are out the door and fed up w/being treated so poorly.

 

That is exactly what's happening with me. I'll tell him he needs to "show up in the relationship" more and he will for a little bit. Then he'll go right back to it. Lately it's even worse, he'll go back to doing the same thing again.

 

I think he doesn't appreciate me at all. It's all way too comfortable. I'm disappointed because there's so much about him I love, and I feel so much pain thinking about hurting him with his depression. I also know he will call me again crying the next day after I end things... any advice on how to handle that?

[BrewCrew25]

Why does your family not like him?

 

My family doesn't like him because when he's here, he's not very social and whenever anyone tries to talk to him he will shut it down quickly with one answer questions. It's honestly quite embarassing because I've talked to him about this, he also says mean things about my family to me behind their backs so I have an idea he doesn't like them either. I'm so nice to his mom and my bf thinks that this is because his family is nicer than mine, it's obvious to me that I just try harder. My family is still always polite to him and he can come off as incredibly rude. I want to think he's shy but I don't know

 

How long have you been together?

It will be 2 years in November. I guess it's been on and off although every time I end it with him we get back together like the next day.

 

When you saw he grows distant, what do you mean exactly? Contact is reduced, or drops completely - and for how long? How often does this happen?

When we talk on the phone he won't contribute much to the conversation and will talk to me for like 10 minutes tops. He always sends me an afternoon "How's your day going" text, but I don't feel like he really cares.

Also a few nights ago when I got really upset that he was so distant his response was "Maybe you'd be happier without me" and then he cried and said he's just scared. I get so confused and my emotions are all over the place.

 

As as Seriousperson also asked, is he getting any treatment for his depression?

 

No. I have told him multiple times to get help. He will focus on things to make him happy, like buying stuff, fixing it, buying new parts, etc. And then its over and he's sad again. He is worried about medication and I think he wouldn't even consider paying for a therapist. He loves to spend money on stuff for himself but is cheap about literally everything eles

[ExpatInItaly]

I would end this relationship. You two don't have a healthy, solid foundation and if he is unwilling to get help, it won't change.

 

You have to be strong and remember that the tears are likely not all that sincere, either. If he really wanted to be with you, he would make more of an effort to actually make positive changes. But he knows you'll fall for tears and then he'll have you right back where he wants you - in a dead-end, one-sided relationship.

 

Don't waste more time on this.

[BrewCrew25]

I would end this relationship. You two don't have a healthy, solid foundation and if he is unwilling to get help, it won't change.

 

You have to be strong and remember that the tears are likely not all that sincere, either. If he really wanted to be with you, he would make more of an effort to actually make positive changes. But he knows you'll fall for tears and then he'll have you right back where he wants you - in a dead-end, one-sided relationship.

 

Don't waste more time on this.

 

 

 

I agree with this. Thank you

[Michelle ma Belle]

I don't know about patterns but the on-going distance with no meaningful prospect that it will ever end is taking a toll on you both. You are not going to move to him. He's not going to move to you. What else is there?

 

I suggest you give up this pipe dream of ever being together & move on to date people who live closer.

 

Having done LDR a few times now, I have to agree with this statement.

 

As I've said many times here, LDR are not for the weak and serious LDR can't go on indefinitely. All other drama and problems aside, if there aren't any plans to ever come together and settle in one place then what are you doing?

 

Besides, if you're having to constantly 'remind' him how to show up in your relationship then it should be enough of an indicator of what you can expect with this man moving forward be it long distance or face to face.

 

Trust me, it ain't worth it.

 

Good luck.