After 15 years...

[Lolita2461]

I am 29 years old, my husband is 30. We started dating when we were 14. He cheated on me once in college when he made out with another girl (no sex). We got married 3 years ago. He has always been a "go with the flow" kind of guy, never really showed emotions, nothing ever seemed to bother him. I am definitely the more intense in our relationship.

 

I was insanely happy to be married. There were issues- none that I ever thought would amount to much. We had a very large wedding and we are required to live in a specific town because of his job (he's in politics). To save money we rented an apartment from his parents in a 2 family home. They live downstairs. I admit that I complained about being confined to one town and I did not want to live above his parents - even though I love them - forever. More than anything, I just wanted a plan and he's not a planner. Regardless, I loved our home. I loved to cook and bake and clean and entertain my husband his friends.

 

W led an extraordinarily busy life. Because of his job we had events to attend almost every night and we would come home close to midnight every night. We are both getting our PhD and attend classes on most weekends. Weekends were filled with appearances and events, and when they weren't he would sleep in and I would go out and run errands - I love to wake up early. I started to resent that everything was about him and his job - no one asked how my day was, how my job was going, what I wanted to do on the weekends. When we would come home late I would clean or do things around the apartment and he would watch tv - I complained about that as well. However, I would say we had more good days than bad ones, I would never argue for more than a few minutes.

 

There were nights he had to be out late without me. I understood the nature of the job. However, I would be upset when he would say he would be home at XYZ time and that time would come and go and I would not get a text or a call to say otherwise. So I would worry and continually text until he responded. When he was with me his phone was always in his hand but when he was without me he couldn't be bothered to send a text.

 

Still, I was happy to go home to him every day. He was my best friend. We were lacking intimacy. When we had sex it would be great but neither of us worked on initiating it more than every now and then. I knew it was a problem but I was also self conscious about myself so I would wait for him to want me.

 

He finished up his PhD courses in May and began the dissertaiton writing process. I still have courses to take. July 14th I was in class and he was going out with his best friend (single guy) for dinner. My husband suggested I meet them after class if I got out early. I didn't, so he said he would bring me food home. When he got home he was acting strange and very very unlike himself. I asked if everything was ok, he said it was. But something was off. Saturday I went to class, we had plans with friends that night. On the way to the bar he seemed off again and I asked and receievd the same answer. When we were with friends he was fine. Car ride home alone with me - again strange and again denied anything was wrong. Sunday we went to the gym, went to an event, then met up with the same friend for dinner. Something was still off, I kept asking. On the walk home he tells me "If I tell you you'll just cry." We get home and he admits that he doesn't feel the same way about me anymore and wants to be alone and needs some space. I cry but calmly and tell him its ok and I prefer his honesty I pack my bags and go to my mother's home.

 

I admit that I don't give the space he asked for. I texted constantly. I was an emotional wreck and I needed answers. He had none to give. I am still living at my moms. He has not filed for divorce and we still share a bank account. It took him 32 days to even change his social media picture to one of just him. He didn't even tell his friends for about a week that this happened. There are still many many people who do not know. We only communicate now when necessary but I do admit to have days here and there where I break down and text him with questions. Two weeks ago he agreed to meet up at a bar to talk. I thought he would rush out of there but when we finished our first round he went and got another. He said he feels like he's going through a midlife crisis at age 30, feels like he needs to be alone, admits finances and lack of intimacy were an issue. Said he needed his space and he felt like we were an old couple. I started seeing a therapist, he refuses to go to counseling. Everyone who finds out we are separated immediately asks if he is gay. I have asked him and he responds with "really?" Maybe he is and isn't ready to admit it.

 

I have realized my faults and feel that if we got back together (if he's not gay) we would be stronger because I feel I have grown in this separation. I'm not sure how to handle all of this. I am living with my mom and it is not the best situation. I only have my clothes and necessities. I miss my home and especially him. Any advice, interpretations, suggestions? Thank you in advance!

[reboot]

There's probably someone else.

[BluesPower]

Yes dear... He is having an affair.

 

He is lying to you probably because he does not want to hurt you. But more than likely he cannot allow others (image is important in his work) to know that he is screwing who ever she is. She may be married.

 

The other option is he just does not want to be married. Or he could be gay.

 

Whatever is going on with him, what you are doing is making it worse. You are being weak and needy. You cannot do that for several reasons.

 

1) If there is a chance that you two can get back together, what you are doing now is going to push him away. So in essence, you make the situation worse.

 

2) If you don't get back together, your current behavior will make it harder for you to move on. It makes it harder for you to get over it.

 

What you need to do is proceed with getting your stuff out of the house and file for divorce yourself. Then start getting all of the assets divided and your separate bank accounts and all that.

 

If he come back during that process you can talk and "THINK" about whether you want to get back with him.

 

So let's say that he is having an affair, male or female, and he does not have the balls to tell you what is going on??? Is that the kind of man that you want to be with long term? I would think not. Not because he is having an affair, but because he does not have enough consideration for you to tell you the truth.

 

If he is gay of bi then there are even more issues with this situation.

 

So you need to institute the 180/NC except in areas of the divorce and finances.

 

No matter what is going on, you trying to "beg" him back or "nice" him back are the opposite of what you should be doing.

 

Here is a tip on male/female relationships for you. Some women, for whatever reason always expect the man to initiate sex. This is wrong thinking. Men and woman want to be desired by their partners. Men want the woman to initiate sex as often as they initiate sex.

 

It gets old and somewhat degrading for the male to ALWAYS be the one to initiate sex.

 

For me if this becomes a problem in a relationship that I am in, I will explain it to her one time, if it continues then we are done, no questions asked.

 

Good luck...

[somanymistakes]

This forum is always, always going to leap straight to 'cheating'.

 

Certainly, there being someone else is often a common trigger for this kind of thing, but so is reaching a milestone in your life and suddenly taking stock of your life and realising that it's not what you wanted it to be. Between him turning 30 and the progress of his PhD, it is possible that he's just looking at who he's become and wondering if this is what he really wants.

 

You said you've been together 15 years but only got married 3 years ago. Why did the marriage happen then and not before? Was he never entirely sure he wanted this to be his life, but finally let you talk him into it? He may be regretting that now and worrying that he's made a permanent commitment that doesn't really suit him.

[BluesPower]

This forum is always, always going to leap straight to 'cheating'.

 

Certainly, there being someone else is often a common trigger for this kind of thing, but so is reaching a milestone in your life and suddenly taking stock of your life and realising that it's not what you wanted it to be. Between him turning 30 and the progress of his PhD, it is possible that he's just looking at who he's become and wondering if this is what he really wants.

 

You said you've been together 15 years but only got married 3 years ago. Why did the marriage happen then and not before? Was he never entirely sure he wanted this to be his life, but finally let you talk him into it? He may be regretting that now and worrying that he's made a permanent commitment that doesn't really suit him.

 

SMM... You say that "jump to cheating" a lot.

 

And your guess is a valid possibility for this situation as well.

 

However, this guy, in this business/life style, Yeah he is cheating.

 

As always, if it turns out I am wrong about my assumption, I will start a crow eating apology thread.

 

But FYI, I have not had to do that yet for any of the cheating assumptions I have made.

[Lolita2461]

@BluesPower immediately after posting I checked our phone records and saw a lot of back and forth between one number. It was his new secretary, never met her but I know she's 26. Then I noticed 3 calls all after midnight on weekends....not normal.

 

@somanymistakes I never nagged him about getting married. I didn't really care when we got married and I knew we were just finding our places in our careers. I think he proposed because everyone around us expected it. And because he's always been a go with the flow kind of person that he doesn't really make decisions that will cause waves...until this.

 

I have not been in any more contact and I am trying to move forward on my own.

[thefooloftheyear]

This forum is always, always going to leap straight to 'cheating'.

 

.

 

 

yeah....and every guy that's not banging an available woman in the house, no matter the conditions, must be gay...

 

You have been together for longer than most people ever would be at your ages...My guess is he never "sowed his oats" like most of us do n our teens and early 20's, so now he's angling to see what else is out there that he's missing out on...

 

TFY

[BluesPower]

@BluesPower immediately after posting I checked our phone records and saw a lot of back and forth between one number. It was his new secretary, never met her but I know she's 26. Then I noticed 3 calls all after midnight on weekends....not normal.

 

I have not been in any more contact and I am trying to move forward on my own.

 

BluesPower strikes again... Sorry we all need to gloat a little sometimes.

 

So he is screwing his new secretary, actually pretty common.

 

Lolita2461 I am sorry. You need to just let him go. The least he could have done was just be truthful about it.

 

You will be fine as much as it hurts. You are young and you have your whole life in front of you...

[somanymistakes]

Yep, probably. Sorry.

[MMT]

My dear,

 

It's not uncommon for people with track record of cheating, even if once (no sex) to do it again, however, I believe that communication is key to finding out the truth.

A lot of assumptions seem to be crossing your mind and I believe he can give you straight answers if you ask the right answers.

Figure out 5 things you need to absolutely know and meet with him and don't leave until you have real answers. Do not accept vague answers such as, I'm in a crisis. Ask him, what do you need? Why? Investigate, discover what is going on.

 

Ask him to be honest with you. Tell him that you are strong and that even if the truth hurts, that you would rather know.

Be straight forward in you questions, ask him if he has been cheating on you. Make of it about answers not about drama or you.

 

I believe that the busy life you lead brought unbalance to you relationship, where he became the focus and you started resenting him. I sense that you were not communicating your needs, but instead continued running errands and working hard around the house and resenting him for it. Those are minor issues that could be worked out with both being cooperative and loving to each other.

The big issue is his sudden weirdness.

 

I believe that the signs you started seeing can easily lead you to believe that he was cheating, however, you have to confront him on that and deal with it.

Can you forgive? Do you know how to forgive?

Can you find a support system to process the pain and work through forgiveness?

 

Why did you pack your bags and went to my mother's home? The fact that he doesn't feel the same and needs space doesn't mean you have to leave. Did he ask you to leave?

 

I believe that you need answers and you have to share what you want, if you want to stay together, tell him, if he wants to leave you, ask him the real reason and learn to process it.

 

Why would people suggest that he is gay?

 

What are your faults in this relationship and why do you have only your clothes and necessities? I still don't understand why you left when he is the one that needs space.

 

I don't want to sound critical or challenging, I'm just trying to understand your situation.

[Lolita2461]

@MMT Thank you for your response and I don't think you're being critical or challenging.

 

I have met with him - a few weeks ago - with a set of questions. I told him I prefer honesty over anything else no matter how painful. I asked if he cheated or was seeing someone else. No. I asked what made that weekend particularly unique in how he was feeling/acting...he said he felt like everything just came to him at once. His biggest complaint was a need for space. He doesn't want to answer to anyone. We rarely had a free moment...and when we did I wanted to spend it with him. He feels we had too much time together and I felt we had none.

 

I was always vocal about my issues. I used to ask him why he never asked about my day or my job and he responded with "because you're just going to say it was good."

 

If he did cheat and felt he made a mistake I could work through that. But that doesn't seem to be the case. He seems adamant that this decision to separate is the right decision. I think if anything he is taking all of it slowly because he's afraid of how it will impact his political public image. His coworkers and people all throughout town loved me.

 

I left because we rent from his parents. He did not want both of us to stay in the apartment so it was either him crashing on a friend's couch or me going with my parents. I felt bad for him at the time and left. I do not have room for my other things. I am trying to find an apartment but it's hard on my salary.

 

My faults as I see them now are that I was perhaps too clingy and I confused supporting him in his career with being around all the time. I also let my own insecurities get in the way of intimacy. He rarely, if ever, initiated sex, but I also didn't because of my own lack of self-confidence. I tried to create the perfect home, cleaning, baking, decorating, cooking, entertaining, and I neglected more personal connections. However, I did often ask if he was happy and he always said he was. He says now he feels there was no passion or spark. I can recognize that, and i did, but I didn't want to push him into something I did not know was bothering him. I thought if he said he was happy and seemed ok with everything then I could be too.

 

I don't know why everyone asks if he is gay. I know that has been something people have assumed about him since high school. I never saw it until maybe a few months ago and I can't put my finger on what made me start thinking it.

[BluesPower]

Your last update... was very reasoned and thoughtful.

 

Just so you understand, even if you were not perfect or perfect in the right way. That never did and never will be a reason for him to cheat.

 

And make no mistake, he is cheating. But he, if he was a good man, he had every opportunity to talk with you about any issues he had. That would have been the right thing to do.

 

While I know that this whole thing is hurtful for you, the best thing you could do is just move on with your life and find someone better for you.

 

And trust me, he is out there...

[MMT]

You are awesome at clarifying things, you seem very smart and capable. Thanks for taking the time to respond. I can identify so much potential in you and a lot of possibilities for your future. Focus on who you are, what you have and believe in the possibilities you have ahead of you.

I believe that you have to switch your focus toward the future because that will set you free from the past.

If things can be made right again with him again it will take him a lot of effort to regain your heart. Value yourself.

There's a book coming out called The Last Arrow from the best selling author Erwin McManus, you should get a copy and start living a life you dreamed of. Take charge of your destiny.

[Lolita2461]

@MMT thanks for the book suggestion. I'ma big reader, so I will definitely check it out. Thanks also for the kind comments.

 

@BluesPower thanks also for the kind comments. I am trying to just be myself and move on. It's hard but I know I'm not the first or the last.

 

@thefooloftheyear I would agree that there is a lot of him wondering if the grass is greener somewhere else at play here, too.

 

It's just hard overall to not blame myself. I keep thinking if I were different in any way I could have changed the outcome. I have been seeing a therapist once a week who is helping me through this. It's hard for me to have confidence or even to feel anger when I blame myself so deeply. It's how I am in all my relationships.

[MMT]

I've also made so many mistakes in my marriage that could have caused my husband to leave me a billion times. We are humans and we all make mistakes. Learn to forgive yourself, give yourself grace, be your best friend and stop blaming yourself.

Him leaving you has a lot more to do with him than it has to do with you.

Immature and undefined people have a hard time sticking together and communicating their needs properly or fighting for whats right. He has just as much responsibility for where you are right now. Forgive yourself and forgive him.

Forgive your mistakes and learn to move toward a new future. You are a smart girl and has so much potential.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lolita, I wanted to ask how long have you been separated now? Also, if your husband has not given you any hope of reconciliation why are you not filing for divorce? You should at least, contact lawyers and get to know your rights. You say you only have your personal belongings like clothes etc with you. You should be entitled to other items too. Most importantly, have you now separated your bank account.

 

Sadly, when you mentioned that your husband is in politics my first reaction was that he was cheating on you. Politics and cheating are made for each other. As other people have said, you have a lot to value yourself for. Self respect is key and if you have plenty of it you will be successful in life and love and everything else. Warm wishes.

[Lolita2461]

@ Just a Guy We have been separated for a little over 2 months now. I don't know if there's any hope of reconciliation. I am still holding on to hope. At this point I have most of my things except for any furniture/decor I would take when I find an apartment. I just started another thread on his behaviors.