JS17 Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 Does anyone have any advice or know of any good books on learning how to trust again? Link to post Share on other sites
Opium Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 Originally posted by JS17 Does anyone have any advice or know of any good books on learning how to trust again? This is a tough one! Trust is very important in any relationship but once it's broken it's really hard to get it back. If it's a person you really care about, I say talk about it and see if this person is willing to show you that you can trust them again but it's going to take time and effort. Most people just give up on each other and even though you feel you can't trust this person I wouldn't give up without wondering where this feeling of mistrust is coming from. If they betrayed you or did something to hurt you or back-stabbed you I would consider ever trusting someone like that. If it was just an argument or something you "think" he/she did, my best advice is to talk about. Trust, the foundation of all relationships whether it's a intimate relationship or friendship. Trust has to be earned and once it's lost, either you better make up to that person if you really care, if not why have a relationship with someone if you're going to constantly doubt their intentions. Link to post Share on other sites
AndrewJ Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 Trust is a hard thing. Once broken it is hard to feel that bond agian with someone. I guess sincere apologetic actions help. Compassion and faith that it wont happen again. But self delusion and letting someone back happens to easily. You have to be firm and learn to spot the signs to stop being hurt Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 My first Bf lied to me and I had no idea until it was all over. We were together 5 yrs. I was very untrusting of others until I met one guy and told myself that I would NOT blame him for the 1sts mistakes. Well, don't ya know....lied to again. I personally think it has a lot to do with your personality. There is a book called....never be lied to again........I glanced thru it once and it seemed good? I guess you have to be a good judge of character. It is sooo hard to trust again........now....everything someone tells me, I am skeptical....I cannot help it....it just happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JS17 Posted August 12, 2005 Author Share Posted August 12, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 My first Bf lied to me and I had no idea until it was all over. We were together 5 yrs. I was very untrusting of others until I met one guy and told myself that I would NOT blame him for the 1sts mistakes. Well, don't ya know....lied to again. I personally think it has a lot to do with your personality. There is a book called....never be lied to again........I glanced thru it once and it seemed good? I guess you have to be a good judge of character. It is sooo hard to trust again........now....everything someone tells me, I am skeptical....I cannot help it....it just happens. this has been my experience. lied to, cheated on...tried to not blame the next guy but lied to again....then betrayed again with the next guy. i've taken a couple of months off to try to regroup but i'm bitter now and don't trust anyone. i need to learn how to trust that not all men will betray me but i don't know how and i'm desperate to learn. Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 wow-we must be the same person! I am really trying to figure this out too. I think the fact that he knew I was so forgiving and kind....are you like that too? He knew how far he could go I think? I guess I have to be an accusing, nonforgiving, bitc* in order to not be lied to! j/k Link to post Share on other sites
Author JS17 Posted August 12, 2005 Author Share Posted August 12, 2005 i'm not looking to vent, i'm really trying to figure out how to do this. has anyone been through this before and had to relearn how to trust? Link to post Share on other sites
KCP Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 Trusting someone takes time. We lose that faith in people as we get older. You know the old saying of childlike faith. After we have been crapped on we tend to pull back with people and are much more guarded. To gain trust back requires time and desire. You have to want to trust in order to trust. I would take things very slow. If you date someone you don't blindly let your heart and feelings consume you. You have to let them show you that they deserve your trust. Trust means to be honest and reliable. Only you can decide to trust based upon the actions of another person. There is no easy answer to your question. You have to be in that frame of mind to trust someone again. I can only tell you to not give up because there are trusting people out there. I guess the compliment of trust is forgiveness. You have to learn to forgive in order to trust. It is a tall order but it must be accomplished to move on and become whole. You only hurt yourself with bitterness. Keep love in your heart and bitterness will have no room to grow. I wish you the best... Link to post Share on other sites
AndrewJ Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 im sure we all have js17, Im learning how to trust agin. Im just flowing through life this way its all apples. I try not to focus on the bad. Just rise above it like a funky monk. I think with time u will meet someone that will giv eu what u need, someone who will not burn u. Link to post Share on other sites
Opium Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 Originally posted by JS17 i'm not looking to vent, i'm really trying to figure out how to do this. has anyone been through this before and had to relearn how to trust? Yes! It's really really hard. You think about it day by day and you wonder if the person intentions are sincere or their intended to hurt you again and lie. Some people actually believe their own lies and it's sad, those become the worst people to trust. I learned how to first not be mad. I felt really betrayed and I was really mad, then the madness turned into hurt, then hurt turned into sad, and then sad turned into me being depressed and wondering if it was all my fault. But I thought hard about it and realized it's not worth my happiness if someone is lying to me and doing things behind my back. I consider myself a good person and would do anything to help someone out. I've been lied to and it's not a good feeling. You never really recover from someone hurting you in a lie. You just learn to forgive and move on. The past is the past and in order to become a better person you just have to push these things aside cause if not, you'll drive yourself crazy. What you have to remember is that not everyone lies and you can't have a grudge against every man/woman. Just because one person lied to you doesn't mean EVERYBODY's going to lie. Just make sure the next time you take a better approach in learning about a person and wondering if their even worth being with or trusting. Some people you just don't want in your life if their going to cause you pain. Once a liar always liar, and once they get caught, they get better at it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JS17 Posted August 12, 2005 Author Share Posted August 12, 2005 i've just been betrayed so many times now i'm not sure i can believe that there are men out there that won't betray me. they all pretend to be nice caring guys until i'm hooked then they do one ****ty thing or another. i don't even know how to tell if someone is worth trusting. maybe i'm just too messed up to think about it right now. Link to post Share on other sites
AndrewJ Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 js, i guess u just got to get to really know someone before u trust them. There is one out there for you, dont let him pass by because of these other pricks. Link to post Share on other sites
Opium Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 Originally posted by AndrewJ js, i guess u just got to get to really know someone before u trust them. There is one out there for you, dont let him pass by because of these other pricks. I agree with you here! Don't let a bad apple ruin you good apples. You just need to stop hurting for now and once you're past this ugly feeling you have, you'll be able to move on and learn to judge a better character. You can tell if a guy is playing games or is true to his word. You just have to really observe him and listen to what he tells you. Guys reveal themselves very easily once you know what to look for. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JS17 Posted August 12, 2005 Author Share Posted August 12, 2005 Originally posted by Opium I agree with you here! Don't let a bad apple ruin you good apples. You just need to stop hurting for now and once you're past this ugly feeling you have, you'll be able to move on and learn to judge a better character. You can tell if a guy is playing games or is true to his word. You just have to really observe him and listen to what he tells you. Guys reveal themselves very easily once you know what to look for. well i keep falling for the same thing so it's not just one bad apple :\ any hints on what to look for to reveal what these guys are? Link to post Share on other sites
Opium Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 Originally posted by JS17 well i keep falling for the same thing so it's not just one bad apple :\ any hints on what to look for to reveal what these guys are? Well it's just having a good sense of judgement and knowing when a guy is bvllshyting you or actually trying to make you feel like a woman. If a guy after some time dating doesn't call as often, is always with his friends and doesn't bring you around after some time, he is probably hiding something or not interested in a long term relationship, he's just looking to play you and see what he can get. I'm not sure what it is that I find out that gives me doubts in a man, I just know. You can tell if someone is bvllshyting you especially by their facial experssions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JS17 Posted November 20, 2005 Author Share Posted November 20, 2005 I just went out for a little while tonight because I'm just not in the frame of mind tonight to be out and about. While I was out I was really realizing just how little I trust people nowadays so I came back home to LS to see what everyone had to say about trust. Sure enough I started a thread on the same topic a few months back. I think I'm as close to over my ex as I'm ever going to get and I'm out dating again after a 4 month hiatus from the third breakup of the year but I feel as though I'm left with this baggage that I just can't shake. I'm at a loss. I just don't know if I'll learn how to trust anyone again. Is there something I'm missing? Is there an answer that I don't know about? Link to post Share on other sites
Yamaha Posted November 20, 2005 Share Posted November 20, 2005 Trusting another person requires a realistic perspective about people and an expectation of failure. Trust needs to be combined with a willingness to forgive and grows best in an environment of acceptance and love. There's no magic machine, you don't put in a quarter and out drops a can of trust -- trust grows over time. People are complex, broken beings therefore, previous hurts, fears or losses can impede their determination to trust and/or be truthful in a relationship. But, people have the capacity and the ability to change and to grow in trust and truthfulness. You can rebuild trust in broken relationships when you make a choice to do so with the supernatural help of God. Every human relationship will suffer hurt. Thus, we all need to become better forgivers and confessors. That ability to reconcile and spirit of humbleness will prove the depth of your love and commitment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JS17 Posted November 20, 2005 Author Share Posted November 20, 2005 Thanks for your reply Yamaha. I'm just really starting to wonder whether you can have so much disappointment in your life that you just don't believe that there is any good left. Maybe I'm just rambling, I don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
Yamaha Posted November 20, 2005 Share Posted November 20, 2005 I'm just really starting to wonder whether you can have so much disappointment in your life that you just don't believe that there is any good left. Do you really have a choice? Have faith in yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Tricia Posted November 20, 2005 Share Posted November 20, 2005 So much so,I copied an pasted it,I hope he don't mind. JS17,I do very much believe a person can go thru so much in their lifetime,that they become distrustful,bitter,an just get use to the bad-We Expect it.I have been told so many times that my life could be a mini series.I sure wouldn't want to relive it. Tricia Link to post Share on other sites
AndrewJ Posted November 20, 2005 Share Posted November 20, 2005 Come on Js17 head:D up! its all good stop over analysing and focus on the bright future not the ugly past. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JS17 Posted November 20, 2005 Author Share Posted November 20, 2005 No, you're right Yamaha, I don't have a choice. I have spent my entire life trying to figure out how to deal with disappointment. Haven't quite figured it out yet but I know that my mistrust in people increases by the day JS17,I do very much believe a person can go thru so much in their lifetime,that they become distrustful,bitter,an just get use to the bad-We Expect it.I have been told so many times that my life could be a mini series.I sure wouldn't want to relive it. My life is the same way. One of my best friends in college once told me that I had the worst luck of anyone she's ever seen. Recently one of my closest friends told me it seems like I'm always dealing with some crisis or another and someone should give me a break sometime. I have to fight the why me attitude all the time but sometimes it just seems so unfair. With so much bad in my life how can I trust that anything good will happen? Link to post Share on other sites
AndrewJ Posted November 20, 2005 Share Posted November 20, 2005 Just beleive in yourself js17! Do things you want to do your time is now!! Link to post Share on other sites
reader Posted November 20, 2005 Share Posted November 20, 2005 Remember this: You set the standard. If you are concentrating on your future, being a good person, etc. the baggage will seem less important. Use it as a tool to make the best choices possible. Make things happen in your life that are good. You can do this. Personally, I don't think people will change that much. They can, but it takes heroic effort, and most aren't willing to do that, and only you can decide if a person will utilize their capacity to change. Is it worth your time? Reader Link to post Share on other sites
Author JS17 Posted November 20, 2005 Author Share Posted November 20, 2005 I just got a call that my grandmother is in the hospital and going to die any day now. They called to let me know last night that she wasn't doing well and she's been sick for a few months. I wasn't close with her so I'm sad but not devastated but this is what I mean. It's like everything I touch turns out awful. How am I supposed to believe that good things will happen? I know my ability to trust that good things will happen in life and my ability to trust that people won't act poorly, lie and manipulate are different but I feel that they are intrinsically linked. Link to post Share on other sites
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