Keeping the door open after a breakup

[unique101]

I have browsed this forum and been consistently impressed with how supportive and insightful the posts have been and I am hoping that someone will have some good advice for me.

 

I just broke up with my ex, who I suspect may be the love of my life. He certainly seems to think I am that for him. Before him, I was commitment phobic to the utmost and afraid of any kind of relationship that lasted more than a week. I have been raped in the past and had a difficult childhood and have always taken care of myself and was used to being single and enjoyed it. My ex, before me, would be intensely interested in someone for a few weeks and then lose interest just as quickly. Friends had expected a similar pattern with us but we had been together a year (his longest relationship) before our breakup yesterday and I was the first person he ever loved. Our relationship, as far as true compatibility of mind and values, was pretty much perfect- we have never enjoyed anybody's company as much before and I cannot imagine a greater or more fulfilling companionship than that which I felt with him. The sex was fantastic. We are both very young (early 20s) but handled ourselves with a lot of maturity- he was consistently caring and emotionally available and I was too as far as I could be.

 

The only flashpoints in our relationship were: 1) he's Jewish and I am not- this hadn't been a problem initially but as we got more serious and showed no signs of breaking up, his parents became less and less supportive of the relationship; 2) he had a hard time initiating difficult conversations about negative things he felt in the relationship and would prefer to ride it out till he didn't feel it anymore (although, to be fair, this was only an issue twice, the second time being the yesterday); 3) I went through a period of depression when my rapist contacted me again and while we survived it with our love intact, I think it did drain him of some emotional energy. We were very much in love and it was he who first said "I love you," first broached the idea of a long-term future together etc. At first, I would try not to pay attention to these statements but he repeated them so much that I came to accept them as true. I think he did mean them until quite recently.

 

Essentially, what seems to be the issue is that he is now afraid of how serious we've become- he told me it scared him that he could see no natural end to us. Also, he felt that because how grounded and fulfilled he felt in one aspect of his life due to our relationship, he was losing motivation to develop the rest of himself. The first factor is not worth discussing- I think he will come to realize the folly of running away from something good purely out of fear. The second is why I broke up with him- I could see that it was true to some extent. We both went to a top Ivy League school and I am quite driven and know what I want and am going for it now. He has another year of school left and has no idea what he wants to do- he was just content to move to the city where I am living and find a job there and not really try to figure out what he wants to do with his life. I would gently try to broach the subject last year but was afraid of seeming to pushy and not giving him the space to figure it out for himself. He instead read my interest as a sign that I was only interested in him picking a career path that would allow him to be close to me. Now he thinks he will be abroad for a year or more and wanted to break up with me because he never even considered the possibility that I would be alright with that. He also is very worried about imagining a future with me given that he knows how much work it will be to get his family to accept it. I don't see it as a reason for not being together now since marriage wouldn't be on the cards for many years, but it is an issue that he is struggling with. I think he has a lot of figuring out to do and needs solitude to do it and while I wish we had talked about it earlier and tried to figure it out together, I think it's best we are broken up for now. In other words, neither of us are in doubt about the wisdom of this decision in the context of where we are in our life.

 

The question is- what happens now? We are still quite madly in love with each other- aside from the issue of his career goals and the specter of his family's disapproval in the future, there were no tensions between us. There were no other romantic interests. We love each others' sense of humor, intelligence, are attracted to each other and really, are breaking up over the future, not the present. Even our last night together, despite all the pain and confusion, was quite beautiful and almost painfully funny, with the peculiar brand of humor that we share. We are not angry with each other. Last night, in the grip of emotion he was even considering recanting our decision but I would not let him- I know there is no point until he gets his desire for solitude out of his system to even try to be together. He will ache without me, but if we stay together now, he will only resent it later.

 

Where we differ in is how to handle the future. He didn't really want to call our relationship "over." He wanted a two-month decompression period, where we would be faithful but not be in contact and he could sort himself out and at the end of the two months, he'd call me and we'd talk. I was hesitant to do that because I really want him to think about what I mean to him and what role he sees for me in his life- I am afraid that if he doesn't feel the fact of our separation, he will avoid those questions and these problems will return. I am also thinking of this break-up as final, as excruciating as that is, because I do not want to put my life on hold while he figures his out. For me, this means an end to the kind of intellectual and emotional intimacy we shared, leave alone our physical relationship. He doesn't understand this- he wants a grace period but after that he wants me to talk to him the way we always did. He talked about taking me on a holiday to his hometown (which, I suppose, would be easier with his family now that we are not dating), about seeing me and calling me, about even kissing me when he sees me again since it feels so natural. I do not understand this at all- I have moved around a lot all my life and endings have always been final for me. He's lived in one place all his life and doesn't know what it's like not to see someone he knows again. He thinks I am stubborn for not entertaining the possibility of some future relationship together immediately and it annoys him that I won't.

 

My dilemma is that I do not want to be hanging onto this if it turns out that he doesn't want to be with me after all. I am still struggling deeply with the thought that love and emotional commitment is not enough to sustain a relationship and do not want to stall my healing process on the offchance of a reconciliation. Neither do I want to feel as if I ended all possibility of a reconciliation. I think that what was scaring him about our relationship was that we were getting too intense, so I just want to back off and give him space and see if he wants to come back to me. But he is already angry with me for saying I won't talk to him in the old ways because we are not together. I am still thinking of it as over but I don't know how to keep the door open without losing all boundaries. I will certainly respect his need for privacy for at least a month- no contact whatsoever on my initiative. But after that, what should I do? Should I talk to him in the same open way? How often? Should I ever initiate contact?

 

I am going through the most intense heartache of my life. I would appreciate any insights people might have. Feel free to comment on any aspect of this post. (I also apologize for its length- heartsickness apparently makes you verbose.)

[Rocko]

The NC should open his eyes and realize that you are a vital part of his life. Let him make the first contact.

 

"If it's meant to be, it will be."

 

"If You Love Them, Let them Go. If They Love You Back, They'll Return."

 

 

That's the Best advice I can give you when it comes to this crazy game of love