Looked through boyfriend's phone, now upset - ?

[Lovezen_30]

Curiousity got the better of me, I snooped, now unsure what to do. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and I am living with him at the moment. We are about to go long distance for 8 months. His messages to another girl have increased in the last few weeks. At this point they talk every other day or every day, he lets me do things on his phone and her name was coming up more than usual.

 

 

Saturday night I went out for dinner with a friend and he went out with his friends. We journeyed in to meet them together and he asked me to contact him later so we could have a pint just the two of us before we headed home.

 

 

Later I did just that and he told me he was actually heading to a friend's house now. I said I thought you were coming for a pint with me and my friend? (I spend a lot of time with his friends, he hasn't spent much with mine) so he said yes I'll come and meet you. He seemed a bit off at the pub at first but then things got better. He mentioned the group that he met up with and this womans name was included.

 

 

Sunday night he gets multiple messages from her and I thought this was odd seeing as they just saw each other the previous evening. So I snooped and didn't like what I found. Nothing sexual etc, but he chats to her like 'how was your work?' 'how was your weekend' etc and she does the same. When she doesn't reply for a few days he provokes another response from her.

 

 

So it turns out on Sunday she was replying to his message - saying he was sorry for cutting the night short and that he would have loved to have stayed longer (this is when he went to meet me and friend at the pub). When she asked if he enjoyed the pub, he said it was good but really he would have rather 'sat on the couch' for longer than had a pint. He also said he would have loved to have come to her party next weekend if he didn't have plans (with me and other friends). She also said 'I love all these dog stories you send me!' because he sends her links about dogs. He messaged her about a book he thought she'd like - a book he has been reading out to me before bed

 

 

I am really bothered by this. I thought my boyfriend was devoted to me - he seems to be. I know he loves me, I really feel it. But I'm not comfortable with this and can't bring it up without admitting I snooped.

 

 

What do I do?

[smackie9]

He's not devoted to you...he's having an emotional affair. These things don't have to be sexual for it to be cheating. He is preferring his time with her rather than you which means he's stepping out of your relationship/detaching himself. His behavior with her is like you would when you start dating someone.

 

What to do? Bust him and take it from there.

 

IMO if he is already starting to wonder, he's going to do it during those 8 months he's away. Sorry to say but it looks like he's getting ready to move on.

Edited September 3, 2017 by smackie9

[ExpatInItaly]

I generally don't have a problem with opposite-sex friends, as I have a couple of strictly platonic male friends that I am close to and have been friends with for a few years now.

 

However, I don't conceal our get-togethers from my boyfriend. He knows about them is invited to come along, as he has met them a few times and they get on well. He can't always make it, but I let it be known that his presence is welcomed.

 

The problem here is that your boyfriend seems to have a cozy friendship with this particular girl. From what you have described, your boyfriend has a crush on her. Do you know what their history is like? In other words, when and how did they meet? Have you met her?

 

Also, are you sure there were other people with them on Saturday night?

[Lovezen_30]

He's not devoted to you...he's having an emotional affair. These things don't have to be sexual for it to be cheating. He is preferring his time with her rather than you which means he's stepping out of your relationship/detaching himself. His behavior with her is like you would when you start dating someone.

 

What to do? Bust him and take it from there.

 

IMO if he is already starting to wonder, he's going to do it during those 8 months he's away. Sorry to say but it looks like he's getting ready to move on.

 

Exactly, his behaviour mimics how we spoke when we started dating.

 

 

It is actually me that is leaving for 8 months. I have noticed the frequency of contact between them increasing recently, with him as the pursuer, and I am cut to the quick by it. If he has now realised it will hurt him too much for me to go then I hope he tells me as much.

 

 

Just this past week he asked me about booking a holiday next Spring and he has already booked a flight to come visit me for a week when we are LDR.

[smackie9]

Not if things start heating up while you are gone.

 

 

This is the thing about emotinal affairs....they don't usually realize they are in one. If it's not sexual, they think it's harmless, just being like friends, BUT interaction increases and so does the feelings and before they know it, they are hooked, and knee deep into it emotionally.

Edited September 3, 2017 by smackie9

[Lovezen_30]

I generally don't have a problem with opposite-sex friends, as I have a couple of strictly platonic male friends that I am close to and have been friends with for a few years now.

 

However, I don't conceal our get-togethers from my boyfriend. He knows about them is invited to come along, as he has met them a few times and they get on well. He can't always make it, but I let it be known that his presence is welcomed.

 

The problem here is that your boyfriend seems to have a cozy friendship with this particular girl. From what you have described, your boyfriend has a crush on her. Do you know what their history is like? In other words, when and how did they meet? Have you met her?

 

Also, are you sure there were other people with them on Saturday night?

 

Yeah, I am certain those other friends were there. When I messaged him when he was with her, he did at least reply quickly and come meet me. But the fact he contacts her the next day saying he wished he could have stayed is upsetting. I am not controlling, nor do I hold a gun to his head.

 

 

I also believe he has a crush on her. I can deal with crushes, as they might come and go, but this isn't ok. They met through a shared sport and I have never met her. When he first talked her a few months back it was 'my friend this' 'my friend that' he admitted who she was and her name as it was weird telling me about 'a friend' with no gender!

[Lovezen_30]

Not if things start heating up while you are gone.

 

 

This is the thing about emotinal affairs....they don't usually realize they are in one. If it's not sexual, they think it's harmless, just being like friends, BUT interaction increases and so does the feelings and before they know it, they are hooked, and knee deep into it emotionally.

 

Exactly. We talked about getting close to other people generally while apart and he said 'you have nothing to worry about it.

 

 

This isn't all that annoys me about this. I was once the 'friend' who was talking a guy with a girlfriend all the time. Eventually I developed feelings and he chose his girlfriend, saying he never meant to lead me on. Its not a good way to treat anyone, even if not intended. We are strictly platonic now and have boundaries.

[Lovezen_30]

I generally don't have a problem with opposite-sex friends, as I have a couple of strictly platonic male friends that I am close to and have been friends with for a few years now.

 

However, I don't conceal our get-togethers from my boyfriend. He knows about them is invited to come along, as he has met them a few times and they get on well. He can't always make it, but I let it be known that his presence is welcomed.

 

The problem here is that your boyfriend seems to have a cozy friendship with this particular girl. From what you have described, your boyfriend has a crush on her. Do you know what their history is like? In other words, when and how did they meet? Have you met her?

 

Also, are you sure there were other people with them on Saturday night?

 

 

Yes, I am sure the people he said were there were there.

[smackie9]

Well maybe you should just point it out to him that tho friendships are OK, It's not when the other is preferring their company over their SO, and spending a lot of time messaging each other.

[d0nnivain]

You have to confess that you found these messages. If he brought her around you, I'd say simmer down but in light of what is about to be the distance, you need to clear the air before you go. If this is the end, then you will set off on your new work assignment free as a bird. It might help your healing to be away from all the reminders.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Yeah, I am certain those other friends were there. When I messaged him when he was with her, he did at least reply quickly and come meet me. But the fact he contacts her the next day saying he wished he could have stayed is upsetting. I am not controlling, nor do I hold a gun to his head.

 

 

I also believe he has a crush on her. I can deal with crushes, as they might come and go, but this isn't ok. They met through a shared sport and I have never met her. When he first talked her a few months back it was 'my friend this' 'my friend that' he admitted who she was and her name as it was weird telling me about 'a friend' with no gender!

 

This does not bode well for you two embarking upon 8 months of long distance .

[Gaeta]

Is it the female friend he had feelings with once you mention in this thread?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/631511-boyfriend-travelling-female-friend-me-feel-less-jealous

Edited September 3, 2017 by Gaeta

[smackie9]

Or is this a new one? I'm starting to see a pattern.

[mortensorchid]

It's understandable in many situations why someone would be bent out of shape about opposite sex friends of their SO. I think you have to be proactive and say "I trust him/her with that other person". But ... You don't seem to be okay with it.

 

All I can say is ask him about who this woman is and what the nature of the relationship is. If he says she is a platonic friend, that's fine. If it's true. But is it true? If not then ... You have your answer. And then you have to say you do not approve of it and you would like him to cool it off. If he says okay then that's good. But if he does not ... Then you better consider otherwise.

[kendahke]

But I'm not comfortable with this and can't bring it up without admitting I snooped.

 

 

What do I do?

 

Tell him you looked at the messages and you're not liking what you're reading and you're breaking up with him because his loyalties are divided and you don't want to be with someone who is carrying on an emotional affair behind your back and playing you for stupid.

 

If right is on your side, what have you got to fear? Part of being an adult is to not act like a child who broke mommy's glass vase because she doesn't want to get into trouble.

 

If he's given you access to his phone, then you've got access to his phone. Period. There's nothing about that to make you feel like you'll get in trouble or he gets mad. If he wasn't doing something wrong--or if the tables would turn, he'd be apoplectic about what you were doing to him--he wouldn't get mad because he's given you that access to his phone.

 

I hope you forwarded the texts to yourself so you have copies of them in case he wants to further play you for stupid.

 

Here's the thing: a man who loves you doesn't create an entree for another women into his intimacy. He knows not to put himself in the position in the first place where his actions are messy and he conjures up suspicion on the one he claims he loves, nor is he secretive about his actions and whereabouts.

 

The minute this chick popped up on his radar, he needed to introduce you to her, too and let it be known that you are priority in all things and he wasn't going to proceed in a fashion where he hides and lies to you about where he's been.

 

He's trashing your relationship and he's going to keep trashing it until you speak up for yourself because he damb sure isn't going to draw attention to anything about this chick and him and her couch. TF?

 

He's monkey-barring to his next relationship and keeping silent about how he's playing you should be the last thing you do.

[GemmaUK]

Personally I would dump the guy so I could look forward to my fresh start.

 

It's an emotional affair and no matter how much he denies it if you confront him about it I think it's likely to be something that would destroy your self esteem if you continue seeing him - especially whilst you are away.

 

Tell him it's over and that he should cancel his trip to see you.

I'm not even sure I would bother telling him why it's over as he will try to wriggle out of it and then if you did continue seeing him you could find it hard not to start putting rules in place and becoming controlling.

I'd never want to do that - if a guy is behaving this way then he can carry on and do it without me around.

[Lovezen_30]

Tell him you looked at the messages and you're not liking what you're reading and you're breaking up with him because his loyalties are divided and you don't want to be with someone who is carrying on an emotional affair behind your back and playing you for stupid.

 

If right is on your side, what have you got to fear? Part of being an adult is to not act like a child who broke mommy's glass vase because she doesn't want to get into trouble.

 

If he's given you access to his phone, then you've got access to his phone. Period. There's nothing about that to make you feel like you'll get in trouble or he gets mad. If he wasn't doing something wrong--or if the tables would turn, he'd be apoplectic about what you were doing to him--he wouldn't get mad because he's given you that access to his phone.

 

I hope you forwarded the texts to yourself so you have copies of them in case he wants to further play you for stupid.

 

Here's the thing: a man who loves you doesn't create an entree for another women into his intimacy. He knows not to put himself in the position in the first place where his actions are messy and he conjures up suspicion on the one he claims he loves, nor is he secretive about his actions and whereabouts.

 

The minute this chick popped up on his radar, he needed to introduce you to her, too and let it be known that you are priority in all things and he wasn't going to proceed in a fashion where he hides and lies to you about where he's been.

 

He's trashing your relationship and he's going to keep trashing it until you speak up for yourself because he damb sure isn't going to draw attention to anything about this chick and him and her couch. TF?

 

He's monkey-barring to his next relationship and keeping silent about how he's playing you should be the last thing you do.

 

Thank you so much for this post.

 

 

I confronted him. There was disbelief > anger > denial > tears, a lot of tears. At first he said she's 'just a friend' and I wasn't accepting it. I asked him, what's the difference to you between a close friendship and the intimacy of a relationship. He said the quality time spent together. Yes, me too to an extent, but frequently fostering an emotional connection with someone else is not on IMO. He also admitted he lied about seeing her because he was afraid of a jealous reaction and did not want to hurt me. Separately he broke down, big heaving sobs and said he felt lost in his life in general.

 

 

He admitted that the couch thing was out of order and he doesn't even really know why he said it because he DID want to come and be with me at the pub. As it stands, I feel he has divided loyalties as you say. Now he says he loves me and wants to rebuild things if I'll have him. I love him very much, so I many give him another chance if I believe he is truly remorseful. I have too much self respect to put up with this ever again however and if after 'rebuilding' the dalliance was repeated, it would OVER, no further conversation had.

[ExpatInItaly]

I would be careful, OP. His big emotional reaction suggests he's in deeper than you realized. If it was truly just friendship, he would likely have been a lot calmer when you confronted him, at least in regards to assuring you she is truly platonic. But the heaving sobs and declaring he feels lost in life? There's more to this. It's eating at him for a reason.

 

This is the same guy who wants to travel with a former crush?

Edited September 4, 2017 by ExpatInItaly

[Lovezen_30]

I would be careful, OP. His big emotional reaction suggests he's in deeper than you realized. If it was truly just friendship, he would likely have been a lot calmer when you confronted him, at least in regards to assuring you she is truly platonic. But the heaving sobs and declaring he feels lost in life? There's more to this. It's eating at him for a reason.

 

This is the same guy who wants to travel with a former crush?

 

He was calm for quite a long time - more in shock I would say. We looked through the messages together and it was after that that he broke down. Said he was very sorry for hurting me. He told me he yearns to return home and isn't really happy in our current city. He also said he doesn't feel fulfilled here and he did mention this a couple of months ago.

 

 

Yes it is the same guy. He raised the topic when I confronted him - saying he specifically cut back on his interactions with her after I expressed my feelings. This is true, he has. But all he has done is replaced it with another. He says regardless of gender, a friend is a friend to him, that he has always had female friends. But I need boundaries and asked him to think about what he is willing to offer me in terms of that

 

 

We are going to talk again and he has things to reflect on. I need him to see and understand why this was more than just a friendship that took away from our relationship. If he cannot see that on his own I don't know what hope there is.

[BryanSmiley]

You've handled this really admirably but I agree with the poster that his emotional reaction, remorse etc. is good in some ways, but actually raises more alarm bells.

 

Sounds like this has happened before and he's holding a few things back.

 

If you were living together I think this could be repairable.

 

But in all honesty, embarking on a LDR you need to be rock solid. And the reality is you are far far from that.

 

I'd be a little concerned that your patience and efforts based on his words of wanting to work things out, may be wasted. Reason being the more the you pull the curtains the more various things are coming out. Furthermore temptations and the ease of more than emotionally cheating - are about to rise exponentially during a LDR.

Edited September 4, 2017 by BryanSmiley

[Lovezen_30]

You've handled this really admirably but I agree with the poster that his emotional reaction, remorse etc. is good in some ways, but actually raises more alarm bells.

 

Sounds like this has happened before and he's holding a few things back.

 

If you were living together I think this could be repairable.

 

But in all honesty, embarking on a LDR you need to be rock solid. And the reality is you are far far from that.

 

I'd be a little concerned that your patience and efforts based on his words of wanting to work things out, may be wasted. Reason being the more the you pull the curtains the more various things are coming out. Furthermore temptations and the ease of more than emotionally cheating - are about to rise exponentially during a LDR.

 

Thanks Bryan. Last night when I came home the first thing asked before I even raised this was how he was. He said ok, a bit stressed, that he was thinking about how he'd miss me. He's been having family issues recently too which I believe was part of his sadness.

 

 

I am very unsure about what to do now in regards to the LDR. I don't want to give up the opportunity - I want to go. I asked him last night if he wanted me to stay here and he said he wanted me to go because he knows how much I want it. I'm really torn at the moment. Would it be a compromise to try the LDR from late Sept-early Oct until xmas and see how it goes? The last thing I want is to stay here to commit to the relationship and find my trusting nature has been wasted and I missed out on a great opportunity abroad.

[Popsicle]

Get rid of this dude. He's tainted.

[BryanSmiley]

Thanks Bryan. Last night when I came home the first thing asked before I even raised this was how he was. He said ok, a bit stressed, that he was thinking about how he'd miss me. He's been having family issues recently too which I believe was part of his sadness.

 

I am very unsure about what to do now in regards to the LDR. I don't want to give up the opportunity - I want to go. I asked him last night if he wanted me to stay here and he said he wanted me to go because he knows how much I want it. I'm really torn at the moment. Would it be a compromise to try the LDR from late Sept-early Oct until xmas and see how it goes? The last thing I want is to stay here to commit to the relationship and find my trusting nature has been wasted and I missed out on a great opportunity abroad.

 

If it were just the LDR aspect to this an outsider would give it a good shot. But your guys head and emotions aren't being demonstrably strong in the lead-up. These hidden things, issues, doubts are weakening the relationship when it needs strengthening ahead of bigger tests.

 

I really hate sounding pessimistic with these things and think sometimes all to easily on these boards we are so, a tad too much. But emotionally cheating is exactly what's happened. You'll absolutely kick yourself if you miss an opportunity for this guy only for it to not work out.

 

You'll have to really keep reminding yourself of that and force yourself on-wards, which will be hard. You set your plans out, it's not on your to cancel them and hold back to keep an eye on him and build the relationship. The test is on him.

 

If I'm being honest, I wouldn't place much faith the guy coming through - if he's emotionally cheated more than once. If he realised he did - that's a concious worrying trait he has. If it was un-concious - how emotionally naive is he for you to be confident similar or worse won't happen with him miles away!?

[shellybing]

Curiousity got the better of me, I snooped, now unsure what to do. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and I am living with him at the moment. We are about to go long distance for 8 months. His messages to another girl have increased in the last few weeks. At this point they talk every other day or every day, he lets me do things on his phone and her name was coming up more than usual.

 

 

Saturday night I went out for dinner with a friend and he went out with his friends. We journeyed in to meet them together and he asked me to contact him later so we could have a pint just the two of us before we headed home.

 

 

Later I did just that and he told me he was actually heading to a friend's house now. I said I thought you were coming for a pint with me and my friend? (I spend a lot of time with his friends, he hasn't spent much with mine) so he said yes I'll come and meet you. He seemed a bit off at the pub at first but then things got better. He mentioned the group that he met up with and this womans name was included.

 

 

Sunday night he gets multiple messages from her and I thought this was odd seeing as they just saw each other the previous evening. So I snooped and didn't like what I found. Nothing sexual etc, but he chats to her like 'how was your work?' 'how was your weekend' etc and she does the same. When she doesn't reply for a few days he provokes another response from her.

 

 

So it turns out on Sunday she was replying to his message - saying he was sorry for cutting the night short and that he would have loved to have stayed longer (this is when he went to meet me and friend at the pub). When she asked if he enjoyed the pub, he said it was good but really he would have rather 'sat on the couch' for longer than had a pint. He also said he would have loved to have come to her party next weekend if he didn't have plans (with me and other friends). She also said 'I love all these dog stories you send me!' because he sends her links about dogs. He messaged her about a book he thought she'd like - a book he has been reading out to me before bed

 

 

I am really bothered by this. I thought my boyfriend was devoted to me - he seems to be. I know he loves me, I really feel it. But I'm not comfortable with this and can't bring it up without admitting I snooped.

 

 

What do I do?

 

 

 

This would normally not be a problem for me, if it were open and known.

 

There is a reason he is hiding it, and it sends up a huge red flag for me.

 

Remember, it is okay to spend time with your friends, even the friends of the opposite sex. There is always going to be a tad bit of jealousy, in any relationship, and that is healthy in a way. But only if it is open.

 

It becomes unhealthy and sends out the red flags when it is hidden. Not only did he hide this from you, but he lied to you about it.

 

I would like to state clearly - it is okay for men to hang out with their friends, and even women of the opposite sex. While, I would agree that it is disrespectful to hang out with other women - alone - it still happens, and sometimes can be permissable in a relationship. It is the fact that he lied about it, and is now hiding it. There is a good chance he is going to turn this around on you if confronted.

 

If it were me, based on experience, I would end it - right now. Lies are not tolerated. Hiding things is not tolerated.

[lana-banana]

You've been together just a year and he's been too close with other women twice? It doesn't matter if you're long distance; this guy is not staying around for the long haul. No one who sincerely believes they've found their true love sneaks around looking for a deeper connection.

 

He is already comfortable lying to you and that is a very bad sign. While I'm sure he feels bad about what he did, and he's probably upset at himself for messing up again, his action tell you all you need to know. He is not looking at this relationship as a source of stability or long-term happiness. He keeps looking to other women because there's something missing, either between you or within himself (or both), and if it's not there after a year then it's not going to appear out of nowhere.

 

Break up with him and go on your trip. At this point you are delaying the inevitable. The world is full of men who can and do want to be there for you.