Need advice please...

[Grasshopper]

This is my first post. I am married at this time, but very much considering divorce. Here is my lame story...

 

About 9 ago, the woman I thought to be my soul mate, if there is such a thing, began talking with another married man. I am not sure of all the facts, because she has only admitted to what I have proven. I do know she changed the address on the cell phone bill and deleted phone logs. I also know that she met him in private at least once. However, she had many opportunities. Once confronted, she lied about everything until I managed to prove my allegations. Then, she blamed me for the distance between us. Three weeks later, I found out there relationship was still continuing. I did approach him on more than one occasion, and he gave me his word, maybe under some duress, that he would stay away from and stop contacting my wife. Of course, he broke his word and so did she. I really do not think the relationship stopped until his wife found out. If you are wondering why I did not immediately inform his wife, it was because he has a little girl and one on the way. Seeing what this had done to my family and potentally to my son, I did not want the same for his family. I just wanted it stopped.

 

Now, here were are and the stories that were once truth have evolved to the point, I do not know what happened and what did not happen. I have asked my wife, if she would like to save our marriage, to take a polygragh test. I just need some confirmation that what I am getting from her now is actually true and I can trust her going forward to be honest. If she is still lying to me about her relationship with him, I am done. I can forgive anything she has done in the past, even if there was a physical relationship. I am not that insecure. What I cannot forgive is the ongoing deceit.

 

I did not see myself as a bad husband. I work 8-5 Monday through Friday. I make 6 figures. I take my family on vacations yearly and weekend trips monthly., or more often. I help coach my son in baseball and soccer. I take him to and from school. I spend all my time with my family. I do not hunt or fish. I do camp and ride atvs, but only one or two weekends a year without my family... and only with a group of other married men. I love my wife with all my heart and will do anything ,within reason, to please her. She lives in the home of her dreams and drives a new BMW.

 

I am not sure where I went wrong, or even if I went wrong, but the fact is that our marriage is probably going to end. She is looking for a rent house now. She has agreed to joint physical custody, and a property settlement. It just seems that the only thing left is to go through the motions. The funny thing is that she says she does not want a divorce, but refuses my request for the polygragh test. She also says she understands why I ask her to do it. But, in the end, she will get a divorce first. Now, keep in mind, I am aware of the controversy surrounding test like these and I know it is nothing to base a relationship on. I know there can be false negatives and vice versa. I want her to answer three simple questions. It is a long story, but I have my reasons for doubting her. I would even take a sincere confession and an apology, but all I get is denial.

 

Anyway, this is where I stand. My son knows nothing of the matter, and it will break his 6 year old heart. I do not know what to do. I just want a trustworthy wife that appreciates and respects me and I do her. I want to feel loved and desired, not tolerated and betrayed. Any constructive criticism is welcome. Thank you in advance for your input.

 

Grasshopper

[nyr_fan]

Grasshopper, I know what you are going through, and it aint easy.

 

First of all - I hate to tell you this but your wife is lying through her teeth probably about almost everything about this guy. I know first hand because my wife is doing the same thing right now. Its sad, but you cant believe a word she says once the affair is up and running!

 

My wife started an affair with a coworker a few months ago. She told me it was over numerous times, but a ton of evidence has proven otherwise. They will tell lie after lie to cover their other lied. It's sad to think someone you know and love over all the years could do this, but they do.

 

I wish I could tell you what to do, but I am still trying to figure it out myself! But I can say no matter what happens, the trust will NEVER be the same. Hopefully you guys can work it out before she leaves, like my wife has done. Good luck.

[Devildog]

Well grasshopper, to tell you the truth, in a constructively critical way, I think you gave her too good of a life. There was nothing for her to be concerned about, there was no need for her to worry. And when someone gets into that kind of situation, where they have the perfect spouse who provides everything they should need, they get bored, and complacent. That is when they start wandering.

 

Yes, she is lying to you about what happened in the affair. They always do. They will admit to nothing more than they have to, and they will only admit to what you can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt.

 

You can read through my thread "Marriage in Jeopardy due to male "friend" with an agenda" (warning: long thread, over 300 posts), or find some of Massiva Atom's old threads, or Yikes's. You will see the same kind of situation. Great husbands and fathers whose now ex-wives left them. I can't tell you why this happens so often, but I think it stems from some women's need for drama. When they have a great husband, they lack the drama they need. So they create it by messing around.

 

My advice to you if it is your desire to fix your marriage, take away some of the stability and comfort and predictability from her. If she is looking for a rent house, let her pay for it unless she wants to go the route of a legal separation. If that BMW is in your name it stays with you. Now, I know it is probably against your nature to do this, and your gut instincts tell you not to do this, but trust me, you don't want to listen to your gut instincts. They do not help you. They tell you to be caring and compassionate and try to be sweet to win her over. This only helps enable her to leave you though. Force her to see the reprecussions of her decisions. Don't save her from them. It's the only way for these kinds of women to learn. Tough love.

[Mr.positive]

I also have to say that she will keep lying to you about it. But hopefully Things will work themselves out.

[sylviaguardian]

Your post could have been written by me about 6 months ago. I am afraid to say that if your gut feeling tells you that there is more, there usually is. It is such a frustrating situation. Like you, I just felt like I couldn't live with the lies and deceit. Have you told your wife all the things you have said here? I eventually sat down with my H and told him that I had found out something else he had lied about (an extra year!) and that if I didn't get the truth from him, he would totally destroy all feeling I had for him. It was at this point that he admitted that the so-called EA was also an PA. That is not the end of it though (see my post).

 

Sit your wife down and ask her the questions outright. Keep calm and don't let her wander from the subject. You will know whether or not she is lying. Liars change the subject, add in unnecessary detail, wander from the topic, change the tone of their voice, change their gestures, go red, avoid eye contact etc etc. Their stories are inconsistent and 'bitty'.

 

Good luck

 

Sylvia

[i aint no fool]

the stories i have read sadden me and i do now wat these people are goin through, as at this moment only 2 weeks ago i found out my wife and friend of 9 years was cheatin on me. the only reason i found out was that i never give up trying to find out the truth it took me a whole year to get to the bottom of it which involved a lot of diffrent people and also the police were involved. i feel like a whole weight has been lifted from my shoulers like 1 story i read my wife had everything nice house bmw to drive but it just was'nt enough i know were your coming from my wife had the same even the bmw. i worked 6 days a week to provide for her and most importantly my 2 kids. even now she still lies to get money out of me but i put a stop to that i said no the other day to her askng me for money her reaction was that of a 6 year old child, she tries to make me feel guilty as though i have done something wrong, it just don't work anymore. i am now a stronger person for her actions. if you suspect something its probably happening, eventualy they slip up take my word for it they do, all those days and nights blaming myself for something that was not my fault all dissapear. anyway their a couple of things i've learn't on this emotional rollercoaster, if you think she's lying she probably is you will now when it happens, if she has cheated in past relationships she will do it again its just a question of time, there's no smoke without fire it's true example if 1 of here friends say something when they've had a drink and you were'nt mean't to hear this 100% believe it. go with your instincts they are their for a reason use them.

[Jerkalert]

Once a cheat...always a cheat. Seems like she is a pathological liar.

[Topper]

first it sounds like she might be using you for the life you can provide her. Nice home, nice car, Money to spend. If i were you i would cut her off. Sell the BMW and cut off her credit cards. She has abused your trust so why should you support her? My ex was also hiding things and lying to me about her affair. The only way I could get to the truth was to hire a privet Investigator. They are trained to look at credit card charges and spending patterns etc... All circumstantial evidence that may, show evidence of cheating. In my case it showed she was cheating and also useing drugs. she was having an affair with her dealer. If you are going to confront her do it in marriage counseling. A good one won't let her get away with her lies.

Good luck.

[Merin]

IMO IF your Wife really wanted the marriage she would be doing all she could to make things right...

 

I'm sure she is all good to go with a settlement.... blah! Sounds to me you need to get an attorney a good one, and let her have a full dose of reality...

 

Take care

[holmes]

my soon to be ex wife has got more neck than a sarsons vinegar bottle, after all the emotional blackmail end deceit she has put me through she's acting as though nothing has happened and to hurt me even more she is seeing an 18 year old lad from college bearing in mind she is 26 and has to kids now to provide for where will it end probably never i guess, i am trying to rebuild my life day by day after she destroyed it and took my kids away from me but she still thinks she is the centre of attention, why do people like this act as though noting has happened, has anybody got an explination for her actions because its beyond me? i still see my kids but i can not stand to see her face so soon and act all nicey nicey. i have always been honest with my wife and this is the thanks i get nothing but a pack of lies, im going to find it hard to believe anything anyone says to me anymore because of the way i have been treated for over a year, i thought i was losing my marbles at one point but i held in their and cracked her web of deceit. i dare'nt ask if anybody else was involved i think i would lose the plot although i have reason to believe their were others would any of you lot out their ask this question?