Unlucky in love. How do people find it?

[girlinNYC]

As you can tell from the title, I'm well and truly single. I've never been so single, where for the last year and a half I haven't ongoingly spoken to a guy. Sure, small talk generally if ever I'm out socially but nothing beyond.

I'm in my mid 20's, at that age where everybody around me is in relationships (or at least it seems that way) and I wonder why I haven't found it yet, when I'm constantly told how much of a catch I'd be. I socialise without being over the top, I work, I'm not a recluse.

All it ever seems to be is unrequited love. Either those who express interest aren't my type or whoever I like turns out to not want commitment.

I'm not complaining, just wanting some insight as to why.

I've been hurt in the past and in hindsight it was the best thing as it taught me so many lessons on love. So I'm not naive when it comes to relationships.

Now that I'm at a point where I'm ready and wise enough, it's still not coming.

Maybe it isn't meant for me? I know people say 'there's someone out there for everyone' but really, you see single people well into their 40's and 50's who have never been married. Love isn't a god given right.

I have everything I need so far - good health, a roof over my head, financial stability, friends, family, etc - but everything I have I'd ideally like to share with someone where for once, we feel the same way about each other at the same time. It seems so easy for others but constantly an uphill battle for me.

[Mysterio]

If I were you. I would not even really try to figure it out. Its only going to make you more bleek about your prospect.

 

I am 46 and I struggle to not try to figure it out. I think its unrealistic for everyone to couple up super young.

 

Truth be told. Most of us are going to go in and out of relationship till we get to heaven. Its not like having someone is all its cracked up to be. Its like friendship with the opposite sex in the context of heterosexual relationship, with physical affection and making babies.

 

I think that all you really have to do is enjoy your life. B well mannored/dressed/groomed at all times and let nature take its course.

[girlinNYC]

If I were you. I would not even really try to figure it out. Its only going to make you more bleek about your prospect.

 

I am 46 and I struggle to not try to figure it out. I think its unrealistic for everyone to couple up super young.

 

Truth be told. Most of us are going to go in and out of relationship till we get to heaven. Its not like having someone is all its cracked up to be. Its like friendship with the opposite sex in the context of heterosexual relationship, with physical affection and making babies.

 

I think that all you really have to do is enjoy your life. B well mannored/dressed/groomed at all times and let nature take its course.

 

Completely understand.

It's just that love and having that connection with someone beyond physical affection and babies is a natural, evolutionary part of life and humans generally have a natural want for it as a result. For so long I was of the mindset that I was going to be single forever and I was okay with it, until I met someone who gave me a glimpse of what life could be like with someone (I liked him but I showed my interest too late), but now I've had that taste I'm struggling to get back into the mindset of wanting to be alone because I now see what I'm missing.

My friends all found their life partners young, as have all my family members including my parents so from what I've always seen it's that people actually haven't gone in and out of relationships, everyone got beginners luck.

I'm well presented and mannered, I go out of my way to always look the part as it's reflective of character. Every approach has been a failed one thus far.

[preraph]

It's not easy for others. There are lots of people in your same situation. I had lots of male attention but the ones I really loved it was not a balanced love relationship that was going to succeed.

 

A lot of people just jump into relationships out of desperation and then are absolutely miserable. It takes a certain combination to enjoy a union or marriage. Either both people have to be very cooperative and easy going or one has to do all the work. If you could get into the head of a lot of married people or even people unmarried in long-term relationships, you'd often find loneliness even within a partnership plus chaos and conflict. Having a happy relationship is not easy for most people.

 

If you are generally happy in life, a usually happy person, you will be happy regardless of whether you find a partner. If you are generally unhappy and unsatisfied, nothing is going to fix that. Happiness comes from within.

[Mysterio]

We all have to have a better grip on our lives. Yes its great to have a love connection. Merging life when your young is easier than when you get older.

 

When I look at my life. For some reason. I get lucky when I don't make that major effort. I don't know why that is. All the love hyjinx happens when I start making an effort.

 

We are brian washed from inception to believe that if you don't have a love relationship on tap all the time your missing out. I have a childhood friend that is splitting with his wife of 20 yr and they have been together for about 29. They are high school sweethearts. Who knows when they will get back together and they have three sons together.

 

Sometimes I think that Love is way over hyped. I think that some of us are just going to have to let it fall into our laps.

 

I had a Psychic reading a week ago on Facebook. I asked if I had to go looking for lot or let it come to me. The Psychic said to me that to be on the look out is a human thing to do. There is no right time that I will meet the ideal person. They stated that I want a woman that is a certain type and looks a certain way. That was the errie part, because that is true. She said that I must be patient and listen to my heart/intuition.

 

So my interpretation is that I have to let love come to me. I can't out think/plan it. I have to be patient with myself. I can look at all the patterns of my life for some insight. At the end of the day. I will have to let it come to me in its own time.

 

Its happened before. So I just have to go back to the more chilled out mind state vibe that I was in before. To be blunt. Searching for love has always been hard for me. Its always been a thorn in my side. On the other hand. Friendship has always been easy.

 

I think we all should just basically give ourselves a break and chill out on love. Its there and its coming for us. No need to rush it.

[girlinNYC]

It's not easy for others. There are lots of people in your same situation. I had lots of male attention but the ones I really loved it was not a balanced love relationship that was going to succeed.

 

A lot of people just jump into relationships out of desperation and then are absolutely miserable. It takes a certain combination to enjoy a union or marriage. Either both people have to be very cooperative and easy going or one has to do all the work. If you could get into the head of a lot of married people or even people unmarried in long-term relationships, you'd often find loneliness even within a partnership plus chaos and conflict. Having a happy relationship is not easy for most people.

 

If you are generally happy in life, a usually happy person, you will be happy regardless of whether you find a partner. If you are generally unhappy and unsatisfied, nothing is going to fix that. Happiness comes from within.

 

I understand there are single people out there but I was alluding to everyone in my world being in happy relationships having not done any work to get it, not all of us have that same stroke of luck. I've sat on my hands for years and done nothing, yet it still hasn't come in spite of that. I'm not saying I'm going to go out and desperately make it happen because that approach doesn't work, nor is it attractive. But when people say '6you have to let it come naturally by itself' I laugh because I've been doing that all of my adult life. No relationship is perfect however the common denominator is love, they all have someone who loves them despite difficulties.

I'm happy generally but I can't help but feel lonely in certain circumstances/situations.

[SammySammy]

I'd stop battling. Stop searching and looking for love.

 

Love has tended to find me. Often when I wasn't looking for it and least expected it.

 

Just be loving and lovable. Live your life fully and enjoy each day. Be whole and complete whether you have a love in your life or not.

 

There's something about striving to make love happen or make love work that seems to repel love. Love is. It simply is. Either we love a person or we don't. Either they love us or they don't. Either it's mutual or it's not. You know?

 

We might have to work to maintain a relationship. But, love? Don't force it. Give love freely and be open to accepting it. In my opinion, that puts us in the best place to have it.

[Steve51]

Boo hoo. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. First thing is to do a self examination to find out if you are attracted to the type of girls who would not want a relationship with a man like you. Face it, not every girl we like is going to like us. It does not work that way. I had a friend in his thirties who cried on my shoulder about not being able to find a wife yet. My wife and I doubled dated with him to see how he was with a recently met woman on their 3rd date. What we saw was a man trying to be a friend rather than a potential lover and mate. He was very polite, never touched her in any way, never danced close with them or made any moves on the girl. Many women want an alpha male and/or for the male to make the first move.

 

A few months later he got a girl to move in with him. She left because of living so many years alone, he wanted things done is way. They had a big fight because the girl living with him put a milk carton on the wrong refrigerator shelf, of all things. He also wanted girls who looked like Playboy centerfolds but had the personality of a girl next door. He was not the type of guy, by looks and manliness that would attract the type of girl he wanted. He made no compromises either.

 

I had my girlfriend since I was 15 cheat on me a few months before our wedding while I was overseas in combat. The next month I took my R&R in Australia and spend a month with a girl I met there having sex many times a day. We hardly left my hotel room. A few months after that I got a girl I work with to live with me. She also taught me a good lesson. The first time I invited her to my place we both got stoned and started making out. When I tried to do more she told me no so I showed her to the guest room since neither of us was in any shape to drive. A few minutes later I see her naked in my room telling me that I give up too easy. She said that many girls do not want to seem too easy so they will say no. While I should not force myself on her, I should have kept making out with her and seduce her until she felt that I worked hard enough to get her to go to bed with me. She lived with me for 1 year and also cheated on me. Not only cheated but had gang bang with my three best friends. Really!

 

3 months after that I ran for a train after work and saw a girl there that caught my eye. I went over to her to talk and 3 weeks later we were engaged and are now married for 45 years. I just kept trying, not letting my past experiences stop me. I realized that lesser men than me found happiness with a woman so I could do. It is just a numbers games so I kept on plugging, never once asking what was wrong with me. The problem was the woman, not me. Turns out that both of the woman I loved ended up as drug addicts and having terrible lives. One is now married to a woman and the other married a much older lapdance customer who is wealthy. Both bemoaned ever cheating on me and saw that as their biggest mistake as it changed their life in a negative way.

 

 

When you are old you tend to realize that what you are is a result of not only the good things in your life, but also the bad things. Blind, deaf and other handicapped people get married. If they can find someone, you should be able to also. Do not look for a soulmate as there is no such thing. Some think that they are lucky enough that the one girl in the world for them goes to their school, works with them or lives nearby instead of in China or some other country. Find someone who you love and loves you. Looks fade in time. I used to be considered a hot guy. Someone who models asked to spend the night with. Not anymore at the age of 66. I found a 20 year old petite virgin to marry. So unlike the sexually experienced women I usually dated. It worked and only because I ran for a train the first time in my life and picked the right train car to enter. Sometimes I think that we keep looking just to wait until we find the one for us when we are not looking for her. Keep going out to meet girls. If there is no spark, move on and not waste time. You will know when you meet the right one as she will know also. So many marry for the wrong reasons and do not know how real love feels. That is why half of all marriages fail and even more have affairs. I knew at first sight that I would marry the girl who became my wife. In fact, when dared to get a date from her by my friend sitting next to me, I told her not only will I get her to date me but also get her to marry me. I just knew and so will you. You have to keep going to bat if you want a chance to hit a homerun. Those who never go to bat, never have even the slightest chance to score.

[kazen]

Date people who don't fit your "type". See where it leads. Most people who are single are usually very picky. Don't cross people out before getting to know them in a deeper level.

[girlinNYC]

I'd stop battling. Stop searching and looking for love.

 

Love has tended to find me. Often when I wasn't looking for it and least expected it.

 

Just be loving and lovable. Live your life fully and enjoy each day. Be whole and complete whether you have a love in your life or not.

 

There's something about striving to make love happen or make love work that seems to repel love. Love is. It simply is. Either we love a person or we don't. Either they love us or they don't. Either it's mutual or it's not. You know?

 

We might have to work to maintain a relationship. But, love? Don't force it. Give love freely and be open to accepting it. In my opinion, that puts us in the best place to have it.

 

Oh I know, definitely a battle not worth fighting when it's largely out of your hands especially when finding the one is all luck. For the longest time I had the 'im never getting into a relationship' mindset, largely because I was hurt but it was still a decision I was ok with at the time. I'm currently in limbo with someone else but I'm not banking on it as much as I like him. I reflected the other day on having what could be described as the quintessential perfect life - health, money, a great family, good network of friends, a good job, a nice car, an upstate apartment, yet what does all that mean if I have no one to share it with? Ie a life partner. Is it natural to want to share it with someone?

I'm living my life and making each day count, but I can admit that sometimes I feel a little lonely. I guess it's heightened when I'm spending time with family and friends where all their partners are also there and I go home alone, however again it's out of my hands. I guess I need to filter the want for sharing what I have with someone out of my brain, or not attend events where I know partners will be there. Without it looking obvious of course. For some reason it just hurts a lot more lately.

[girlinNYC]

Boo hoo. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. First thing is to do a self examination to find out if you are attracted to the type of girls who would not want a relationship with a man like you. Face it, not every girl we like is going to like us. It does not work that way. I had a friend in his thirties who cried on my shoulder about not being able to find a wife yet. My wife and I doubled dated with him to see how he was with a recently met woman on their 3rd date. What we saw was a man trying to be a friend rather than a potential lover and mate. He was very polite, never touched her in any way, never danced close with them or made any moves on the girl. Many women want an alpha male and/or for the male to make the first move.

 

A few months later he got a girl to move in with him. She left because of living so many years alone, he wanted things done is way. They had a big fight because the girl living with him put a milk carton on the wrong refrigerator shelf, of all things. He also wanted girls who looked like Playboy centerfolds but had the personality of a girl next door. He was not the type of guy, by looks and manliness that would attract the type of girl he wanted. He made no compromises either.

 

I had my girlfriend since I was 15 cheat on me a few months before our wedding while I was overseas in combat. The next month I took my R&R in Australia and spend a month with a girl I met there having sex many times a day. We hardly left my hotel room. A few months after that I got a girl I work with to live with me. She also taught me a good lesson. The first time I invited her to my place we both got stoned and started making out. When I tried to do more she told me no so I showed her to the guest room since neither of us was in any shape to drive. A few minutes later I see her naked in my room telling me that I give up too easy. She said that many girls do not want to seem too easy so they will say no. While I should not force myself on her, I should have kept making out with her and seduce her until she felt that I worked hard enough to get her to go to bed with me. She lived with me for 1 year and also cheated on me. Not only cheated but had gang bang with my three best friends. Really!

 

3 months after that I ran for a train after work and saw a girl there that caught my eye. I went over to her to talk and 3 weeks later we were engaged and are now married for 45 years. I just kept trying, not letting my past experiences stop me. I realized that lesser men than me found happiness with a woman so I could do. It is just a numbers games so I kept on plugging, never once asking what was wrong with me. The problem was the woman, not me. Turns out that both of the woman I loved ended up as drug addicts and having terrible lives. One is now married to a woman and the other married a much older lapdance customer who is wealthy. Both bemoaned ever cheating on me and saw that as their biggest mistake as it changed their life in a negative way.

 

 

When you are old you tend to realize that what you are is a result of not only the good things in your life, but also the bad things. Blind, deaf and other handicapped people get married. If they can find someone, you should be able to also. Do not look for a soulmate as there is no such thing. Some think that they are lucky enough that the one girl in the world for them goes to their school, works with them or lives nearby instead of in China or some other country. Find someone who you love and loves you. Looks fade in time. I used to be considered a hot guy. Someone who models asked to spend the night with. Not anymore at the age of 66. I found a 20 year old petite virgin to marry. So unlike the sexually experienced women I usually dated. It worked and only because I ran for a train the first time in my life and picked the right train car to enter. Sometimes I think that we keep looking just to wait until we find the one for us when we are not looking for her. Keep going out to meet girls. If there is no spark, move on and not waste time. You will know when you meet the right one as she will know also. So many marry for the wrong reasons and do not know how real love feels. That is why half of all marriages fail and even more have affairs. I knew at first sight that I would marry the girl who became my wife. In fact, when dared to get a date from her by my friend sitting next to me, I told her not only will I get her to date me but also get her to marry me. I just knew and so will you. You have to keep going to bat if you want a chance to hit a homerun. Those who never go to bat, never have even the slightest chance to score.

 

First and foremost I'm a female, and secondly I am not feeling sorry for myself. As per my original description I said I'm not complaining, just wanting insight on a certain thing. Now that that's cleared up...

I see what you're saying and it all makes sense on a logical level. Look within and see what you're attracting, don't force it, it'll come when you least expect it. All very well in theory but tends to only ever come from people who have found it. We've all been hurt, the difference is you had your happy ending. Not everybody gets that, and it isn't a law of the universe that everyone finds true love so it's easy for you or anyone in a long lasting relationship (my parents included) to preach that 'it will come unexpectedly' line. I spent the longest time not expecting it, so under that theory I should have found my life partner, but didn't, even when I spent so much time not looking.

People say 'go and make it happen' but doesn't that contradict the original theory of not expecting it and letting it come to you?

[CptInsano]

[...]

People say 'go and make it happen' but doesn't that contradict the original theory of not expecting it and letting it come to you?

 

Of course it comes unexpectedly, that is almost a truism. Otherwise you'd be able who predict who falls in love with whom, and that is not possible, or only to a very limited extent.

 

So yes, love surprised me, but I had to work hard at it at times, getting out of my comfort zone, taking risks, remaining open after things didn't work out with somebody. It felt like an effort at times, and I'm more of an extrovert, and don't have any issues chatting up people. You can drop me at a party, almost any party, and I will have a good time. But between work, friends and other commitments I definitely needed to make time for that.

[Bastile]

I love women (plural, and in general).

 

The question of "how to find love" is a bit bizarre to me. It's everyday life, is it not? It's staring you in the face.

 

Like not being able to see the forest, because the trees are in the way.

 

If you love men, then engage with them, date them, have sex with them, learn about life with them, etc etc.

 

But most important is to love yourself above any singular man (or woman, whatever the case may be). Practice self-love.

 

This is just my opinion, and I'm well aware that life is a very different experience for women. Not exactly sure how much the two can overlap in that regard.

[normal person]

I spent the longest time not expecting it, so under that theory I should have found my life partner, but didn't, even when I spent so much time not looking.

People say 'go and make it happen' but doesn't that contradict the original theory of not expecting it and letting it come to you?

 

When people say "don't expect it and let it come to you," what they should be saying is "don't try so obviously that you're making yourself look desperate." Anyone suggesting you should just sit back and wait for things to happen rather than take action and do everything you can to make them happen is fooling themselves and trying to fool you too. Time is precious. Don't wait for the world to conform to you or satisfy your desires by asking it nicely, it won't.

 

Obviously you have to expend effort and put yourself out there to cross paths with people. You're likely not going to meet anyone by sitting in your basement, eating Doritos, taking fewer chances. That rationale is derived from fairy tales. In the real world, you have to actual put your boots on the ground and get in the trenches to do the dirty work yourself. Just do it with confidence and not with desperation. Your chances will improve because you did made the effort to get what you wanted, not because you "just waited and it came to you." Best of luck.

[NexttP]

Either those who express interest aren't my type or whoever I like turns out to not want commitment.

 

This here is the reason why you are still single, and here is what I mean: You say you know many who just magically find the one to live their life with right? well, I know many people like that too. So what's the recipe? Attraction, compatibility, trust, and commitment. Those that find you attractive/compatible aren't attractive/compatible to you. Those that you find attractive/compatible lacks commitment.

 

So basically you find someone where all four match both ways and tada... lasting relationship. How do you find out all that though? Time. First find out if they are attractive, then find out if you are attractive to them. Next find out if they are compatible. Can you trust them? Can they commit?

 

Here is a trick, don't waste time finding out compatibility and building trust just to find out they aren't attractive (this is like what friendzone is. "I wish there was a nice guy who is xxx, yyy, and zzz. Oh, but not you."). Go for attractive people first, because that's the easiest to pick out.

 

And by attractive I don't mean just the physical (smart? funny? capable? confident?), but physical matters too.

Edited September 6, 2017 by NexttP

[Mysterio]

Some people are just lucky. My friend DT does not do anything to get love. Never thinks about it. It has happend to him twice. I actually go looking for it. It never lasts for me or there is some pbstacles.

 

I think that I should let it come to me. I think you should as well. WE have to try to not compare ourselves to everyone. Not everyone gradautes from High school on time. Not everyone can have everything all at once. Some people have things easier than others. Thats life.

[ZA Dater]

Some people are just lucky. My friend DT does not do anything to get love. Never thinks about it. It has happend to him twice. I actually go looking for it. It never lasts for me or there is some pbstacles.

 

I think that I should let it come to me. I think you should as well. WE have to try to not compare ourselves to everyone. Not everyone gradautes from High school on time. Not everyone can have everything all at once. Some people have things easier than others. Thats life.

 

I tend to agree with this. I think the only thing a person should really look for is happiness, something that makes you smile, something that gives you a feeling of accomplishment. If you can string those things together, life, whether single or not is certainly fulfilling.

 

 

How people find it, not too sure anyone actually finds it per se, I think it just happens for some. Having said that I think everyone that walks this earth has had some experience of that magical connection fleeting or not.