Feeling indifferent to my family

[Annalie]

As the title says I feel indifferent to my family and I feel guilty and ashamed of these feelings. I am not even sure why I feel this way but I might have an idea.

I grew up in Eastern Europe and had a relatively normal childhood but I feel it should have been much better. As you can imagine it is a different culture, different way and standard of living. My parent are working adults who made decent money but as is the case in these poor countries, sometimes they barely made ends meet. As a result, my brother and I always suffered. I never really went out, had nice clothes or play any sports (this always hurts the most because I loved all kinds of sports and was really good at many but it was always too expensive for my parents to afford).

 

On the other hand, we had the necessities. We lived in a nice house and my parents paid for my brother and I to go to University (in a different city which means they paid not only tuition but rent and food as well).

This seems normal so far considering the circumstances but here is the problem. In meantime, while we had only necessities my parents completely renovated their house (which ended up costing more than a new one) and bought another apartment (paid cash for it). So, I can only think they were saving like crazy.

And here is an example of what it looked like. I graduated from university, age 22 and started looking for a job. I finally got an interview and asked my mom for some cash to buy clothes and look presentable. She got angry and told me she didn't have any money. i went to the interview in the best clothes I had (poor student clothes, totally not appropriate for a job interview). I got that part-time job anyway, a teaching job. A week later, my parents informed me that they bought an apartment that was close to the school I was going to work and I was welcome to use it (my brother was my roommate). Should I say I was disappointed beyond belief? So they got these big investments but ruined everything along the way.

Moving forward...

As i lived in my parents' apartment and worked part time, I was paying for all the expenses, while my brother, still a law student, lived for free. A month later, I found out the apartment was in my brother's name only. When I confronted my parents about this they said "well, he participated in the buying process and he was the one that actually found this deal. You did nothing." A year later, I quit my job, packed my stuff, moved to USA, went back to school and now, I am a nurse and half way done with my doctorate in nursing field. I speak to my parents when they call but I never call them first and I don't really miss them.

I feel awful for feeling this way, but there are some unresolved feelings inside of me. Am I being too harsh and ungrateful? I just feel I was robbed of my childhood and teenage years due to my parents' inability to balance things and perhaps the selfish desire to get what they thought was important.

 

And before you say, at age 22, I could have worked as I was an adult... not really. Working any job without a degree (for example,waitress) is looked down, is not worth it as you could only make enough for food (while neglecting school) and my parents would have never approved of it. Stupid as it is, it is what it is. Also, young people are mostly now able to get their own apartments and houses till alter in life (financial reasons) and it is not unusual that parents give them a head start (as my parents did for my brother) which is, I understand, completely different in the USA.

[Miss Clavel]

are you sure?

 

my niece works 6 hours a day four days a week and clears 15,000 a year.she leaves her job and goes straight to uni wearing her uniform.

 

hell, sometimes she studies at work, during the slow shifts.

 

her friend went to Emerson and made 37,000 working at pf changs.

 

i'm sure you could work before or after school, if you don't find it too demeaning to yourself, your culture or your parents..

 

 

 

 

My parent are working adults who made decent money but as is the case in these poor countries, sometimes they barely made ends meet. As a result, my brother and I always suffered.

 

We lived in a nice house and my parents paid for my brother and I to go to University (in a different city which means they paid not only tuition but rent and food as well).

 

 

 

since you're at school, look around for a dictionary or google the word, suffered.

 

they scrimped on the every day stuff to give you, free and clear, the big important things.'

 

suffering is having to roll your wheelchair out to the street and wait in the heat for the city bus.

 

 

 

A month later, I found out the apartment was in my brother's name only. When I confronted my parents about this they said "well, he participated in the buying process and he was the one that actually found this deal. You did nothing." A year later, I quit my job, packed my stuff, moved to USA, went back to school and now, I am a nurse and half way done with my doctorate in nursing field.

 

 

 

it was wrong of them not to put the apartment in both their children's names, period.

 

you were right to move away and i'm happy that you have a masters in nursing which not only earns a healthy wage but if you actually worked as a nurse, would fund your doctorate.

 

if it was me, i'd continue not talking to them unless it's a holiday, either in their country or ours. mother's day, father's day, chrismahannakwanzakah.

 

 

if you have had to suffer because financial safety and investing in a sound future is important to them, then they sure as hell should have included you on the deed to that apartment and until they alter the deed to both your names i'd keep my distance.

 

and since you control how much you suffer in life and for how long, i'd suggest you go out and buy yourself all the sports gear you want as a graduation present, dr. annalie.

[jammartinez760]

I agree with Miss Clavel, she said true thing

[Annalie]

are you sure?

 

my niece works 6 hours a day four days a week and clears 15,000 a year.she leaves her job and goes straight to uni wearing her uniform.

 

hell, sometimes she studies at work, during the slow shifts.

 

her friend went to Emerson and made 37,000 working at pf changs.

 

i'm sure you could work before or after school, if you don't find it too demeaning to yourself, your culture...

 

I did work while getting my undergraduate degree in nursing. I worked 6 days a week and sometimes made alomost as much as nurses do. But that was here, in USA. Back home, one, it wasnt worth it (maybe, I dont know, I never tried). And two, I remember I was looking for a job (server) during my senior year in college and at the same time I was terrified of what my parents'reaction when they find out. As stupid as it is, that is jow I was raised, that is what most people do and what their attitude is. Being a waitress is demeaning.

[BaileyB]

Where I come from, working any job to support yourself, your family, or put yourself through school is respected - even working as a waitress. It's a thankless job - long hours on your feet serving sometimes rude and ungrateful people... but, if you didn't want to work as a waitress, you could have found another job.

 

What is looked down upon, a child who is ungrateful to her parents who paid for her schooling and provided a place for her to live when she was starting her career.

 

Look, the bottom line... your parents make the money and they are entitled to spend it however they want. You may disagree with their decisions - tough luck! You are not entitled to have an opinion on how your parents chose to save or spend their hard earned money.

 

Just as your children will not have a right to dictate how you spend your hard earned money. That's just the way it goes... someday, when you have your own children and you are working hard to provide for your family, you may have a better appreciation for what your parents have provided for you.

 

Furthermore, you are an adult now. It's time to focus on creating your own life. The good news, you are entirely responsible for your own money and you get to make your own decisions from now on. Good luck!

[SunnyWeather]

I would be upset too with your parents favoritism and not including you on the apt deed; I think this is related to an older, traditional way of thinking about gender, and how resources are passed down in families. Your background still holds these values much more strongly, imo, than in other Western countries.

 

I also think this way of thinking is related to putting all their resources into acquiring property; banks are suspect, property is a real thing. Eventually, you may change the way look at this aspect, in how you 'suffered' during childhood because they put their resources into property and not new clothes for their children. You might see the prudence in this, and even invest likewise once you have the means to.

 

What you have accomplished is impressive, a testament to the spirit of the US and the ability to strike forth a new identity and future. Have a conversation with your parents about how you feel they were unfair in not putting you on the deed. Who know, it just might influence their decision-making process in how they handle their property legacy.

 

If not, there's not much you can do about it but continue to rock like you are--completely self-made! congrats

[BaileyB]

I just feel I was robbed of my childhood and teenage years due to my parents' inability to balance things and perhaps the selfish desire to get what they thought was important.

 

Read this sentence again and tell me if it doesn't sound just a little overdramatic?

 

I live in Canada and I had what I consider to be, an idyllic childhood. I was raised by two parents that loved me dearly.

 

My parents didn't pay for my university. I have worked from the age of 16 - actually, I started teaching skating when I was 12 years old. I was allowed to live at home while I studied, and I was very grateful to them for the opportunity to live at home because it allowed me to limit the debt I incurred while I went to school. My parents didn't buy me an apartment, rather they encouraged me to work hard, save money, and buy my own condo when I got my first job.

 

Was it wrong of them to put the apartment in your brother's name. Yes. But, as had been already said this probably speaks to traditional cultural and gender beliefs. Is it really worth losing your relationship with your parents... well, that is for you to decide.

Edited September 4, 2017 by BaileyB

[Annalie]

Read this sentence again and tell me if it doesn't sound just a little overdramatic?

 

I live in Canada and I had what I consider to be, an idyllic childhood. I was raised by two parents that loved me dearly.

 

My parents didn't pay for my university. I have worked from the age of 16 - actually, I started teaching skating when I was 12 years old. I was allowed to live at home while I studied, and I was very grateful to them for the opportunity to live at home because it allowed me to limit the debt I incurred while I went to school. My parents didn't buy me an apartment, rather they encouraged me to work hard, save money, and buy my own condo when I got my first job.

 

Was it wrong of them to put the apartment in your brother's name. Yes. But, as had been already said this probably speaks to traditional cultural and gender beliefs. Is it really worth losing your relationship with your parents... well, that is for you to decide.

 

 

Yes, you are right, the apartment thing was probably gender and traditional belief thing.

That is awesome that you were able to teach skating and make money. Now, tell me how did you learn to skate yourself? Your parents took you to skate lessons? I absolutely had nothing to offer except for my degree once I graduated from college and high school. No extra curricular activities, no sports... nothing. By the age of 16, I had to wear some of my brother's clothes. (I would understand this if we didnt have enough for food but that obviously wasn't the case).

 

I am not here to prove I am right. I just hate I feel this way. I am terrified that one day my parents will get sick and I will be beating myself up for not being closer to them while I still had a chance.

[Annalie]

I would be upset too with your parents favoritism and not including you on the apt deed; I think this is related to an older, traditional way of thinking about gender, and how resources are passed down in families. Your background still holds these values much more strongly, imo, than in other Western countries.

 

I also think this way of thinking is related to putting all their resources into acquiring property; banks are suspect, property is a real thing. Eventually, you may change the way look at this aspect, in how you 'suffered' during childhood because they put their resources into property and not new clothes for their children. You might see the prudence in this, and even invest likewise once you have the means to.

 

What you have accomplished is impressive, a testament to the spirit of the US and the ability to strike forth a new identity and future. Have a conversation with your parents about how you feel they were unfair in not putting you on the deed. Who know, it just might influence their decision-making process in how they handle their property legacy.

 

If not, there's not much you can do about it but continue to rock like you are--completely self-made! congrats

 

Thanks sunnywheather. I dont want any of their properties any more. I was just hurt that they were saving while I as a teenager had to give up on many things that every teenager wants, only to have that money invested in the property they gave to my brother.

[BaileyB]

Yes, you are right, the apartment thing was probably gender and traditional belief thing.

That is awesome that you were able to teach skating and make money. Now, tell me how did you learn to skate yourself? Your parents took you to skate lessons? I absolutely had nothing to offer except for my degree once I graduated from college and high school. No extra curricular activities, no sports... nothing. By the age of 16, I had to wear some of my brother's clothes. (I would understand this if we didnt have enough for food but that obviously wasn't the case).

 

I am not here to prove I am right. I just hate I feel this way. I am terrified that one day my parents will get sick and I will be beating myself up for not being closer to them while I still had a chance.

 

Well, that's a little different... Yes, my parents supported our participation in sports and no, I never had to wear my brother's clothing. I wouldn't have been happy about that...

 

I will say, your parents did something right because they raised a smart, successful daughter. You should be proud of yourself for what you have accomplished.

 

Were they perfect parents - we'll no, but no parent is ever perfect. However, there comes a time when it's water under the bridge and you have to respect the fact that they loved you and did the best they could. If I was you, I would try to do just that... let the rest go, because it is all in the past.

 

I will say, I lost my mother to cancer five years ago. She loved me dearly but she could be a bit of a controlling mother sometimes... it used to drive me crazy as an adult when she would try and tell me what to do. But, with her loss all those feelings have gone and I just remember the intent behind the sometimes challenging behavior - her love and support.

 

You still have your parents, think long and hard about whether you can love them and accept them as the imperfect people that they are... or whether you want something that happened years ago to affect your relationship with them in the years you have left together.

 

Best wishes.

[Annalie]

And it is not just clothes. Everything. In high school, I won a scholarship based on academic achievement. It was for summer camp/school in Greece for three months. Well, I had miserable 3 months because while scholarship paid for. classes, hotel and food we were responsible for any extra expenses. I didnt have enough money and didnt do half of the things my friends did ( and we all came from the same country, same school

[Annalie]

Well, that's a little different... Yes, my parents supported our participation in sports and no, I never had to wear my brother's clothing. I wouldn't have been happy about that...

 

I will say, your parents did something right because they raised a smart, successful daughter. You should be proud of yourself for what you have accomplished.

 

Were they perfect parents - we'll no, but no parent is ever perfect. However, there comes a time when it's water under the bridge and you have to respect the fact that they loved you and did the best they could. If I was you, I would try to do just that... let the rest go, because it is all in the past.

 

I will say, I lost my mother to cancer five years ago. She loved me dearly but she could be a bit of a controlling mother sometimes... it used to drive me crazy as an adult when she would try and tell me what to do. But, with her loss all those feelings have gone and I just remember the intent behind the sometimes challenging behavior - her love and support.

 

You still have your parents, think long and hard about whether you can love them and accept them as the imperfect people that they are... or whether you want something that happened years ago to affect your relationship with them in the years you have left together.

 

Best wishes.

 

I am sorry about your mother. It must be hard to lose a parent. I might understand better once I have my own kids, Idk.

Thank you

[BaileyB]

And it is not just clothes. Everything. In high school, I won a scholarship based on academic achievement. It was for summer camp/school in Greece for three months. Well, I had miserable 3 months because while scholarship paid for. classes, hotel and food we were responsible for any extra expenses. I didnt have enough money and didnt do half of the things my friends did ( and we all came from the same country, same school

 

 

I get it, really - I do. My friends went to Europe in university and I didn't go because I couldn't afford it. My mom bought a new car when we were younger... My brother got to drive the old car while I took the bus to high school and university. There are always things that you want and can not have. And, there are always inequities between siblings, even for the best of parents who try to make everything equal.

 

But, at some point, you just have to move on... With time, it just doesn't matter as much anymore.

 

Your life is different now. You have a good career and the opportunity to build a great life for yourself. Do that, and work to let go of these resentments.

 

Consider this quote... Holding a grudge or a resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Your parents will continue to live their life, whether you are upset with them or not. So, what purpose is it to hold the resentment.

 

When you are ready, you will let it go. Or, you won't. You will decide. Best wishes.

Edited September 4, 2017 by BaileyB

[Miss Clavel]

Being a waitress is demeaning.

 

and being a nurse is not? don't nurses have to actually touch sick, dirty, diseased people that are possibly leaking fluids, from just about any and every part of their bodies?

 

what about people that cook the food? is that demeaning as well?

 

i would think that the people that prepare, cook and serve the food we need to nourish our bodies would be appreciated.

 

most of our parents spent years doing just that.

 

i guess i will have to rethink how i look at my parents.

 

my dad cooked the food and my mom ''waitressed" the plates to the table.

[Annalie]

 

and being a nurse is not? don't nurses have to actually touch sick, dirty, diseased people that are possibly leaking fluids, from just about any and every part of their bodies?

 

what about people that cook the food? is that demeaning as well?

 

i would think that the people that prepare, cook and serve the food we need to nourish our bodies would be appreciated.

 

most of our parents spent years doing just that.

 

i guess i will have to rethink how i look at my parents.

 

my dad cooked the food and my mom ''waitressed" the plates to the table.

 

 

OMG, what is your problem? IQ or inability to read? I was a waitress while getting my BSN and I dont think it is demeaning. I said thats how it is slightly perceived in my country. Why? Have no idea.

[mousse]

Hi Annalie.

 

The title of your post caught my eye because I too have been feeling indifferent to my family for a while.

 

I haven't spoken to my parents since a whole month now, and, although I feel a bit sad about the whole thing, I feel also relieved.

 

I say, do what feels right to you. Nobody can tell you what you should do, as the relationship with your parents is something highly personal. There's no 'one size fits all' advice for that kind of issue. I find that the problem with advices at times is that it's too stereotypical.

 

Best of luck to you and I hope things get better for you.

Mousse

[Miss Clavel]

 

 

OMG, what is your problem? IQ or inability to read? I was a waitress while getting my BSN and I dont think it is demeaning. I said thats how it is slightly perceived in my country. Why? Have no idea.

 

thank god that my life/health/treatment does not depend on your abilities to observe and diagnosis.