25yo still single, never had a boyfriend

[batjokes92]

I'm very frustrated and depressed about my current situation. I have been trying to make a relationship work with a longtime online friend of mine. One night I got the courage to confess that I had feelings for him and he told me that he sensed some chemistry so we agreed to chat on skype everyday for 6 months to see if we could make things work. As I got to know him I begun to realize that he didn't really love me (although he claimed to) and he had A LOT of problems.. (alarming like, psychotic ones, I've written about him before so I wont go into it all I can say is that he was very controlling and narcissistic) he was still in love with his exgf who broke up with him years ago and he tells me that she hates me and sent me screenshots of her calling me stupid and desperate. (I acknowledge that I may be desperate but I am NOT stupid, also this 40 year old woman has never met me or spoken to me before) I saw in the screenshots that he told her that there was nothing romantic between us and that she didn't have to worry. He told me that his "love" for me was like a love for a sister or a daughter.. and he said I didn't compare to his ex because I have "left no impact on his life". His behavior toward me and the way he treated me was all the proof I needed to finally realize he wasn't as interested as he pretended to be so I cut him off for good. It was a very hard decision for me to make but I know it is for the best.

 

I've been through many experiences that mirror this one, I've maybe dated 5 men in total all different ages and most of them just want me for sex then once they get what they want they either run for the hills and pretend I don't exist or just keep me around for sex. It has really devastated my self esteem. Since I was young I was bullied for my looks, I was told I would never have a boyfriend because I am so ugly. I want a relationship more than anything, it's all I've ever wanted since I was 16 years old. I do not get much attention from the opposite sex but I am reasonably attractive now with a great body but maybe below average face.. I find it hard to face people, men especially, due to all the bad experience I've had in dating. I feel unworthy of any attention but when I do get it I assume they are just out to hurt me. I'm worried I will forever remain stuck with this cycle of users and I will never find someone who wants to have a real romantic relationship with me. Are there others like me out there? Is there hope for someone who is 25 and perpetually single?

Edited September 3, 2017 by batjokes92

[bummer]

I want a relationship more than anything, it's all I've ever wanted since I was 16 years old.

 

Why? Social pressure? Parental?

 

I think if you express your personality well to others, you will in turn attract what you really desire. Make sure you are motivating yourself with healthy goals and dreams.

 

Also, 25 is like the new 15 from a century ago. It also matters more that you break your cycle of users than just going with the first creep who hits on you. What attracted you to the other men?

 

Lastly, a smile with interesting things to talk about works wonders.

[CptInsano]

I also didn't have a gf until I was 21. Just like the OP I attributed that to who I was. But it was really all about who I was trying to attract, and how I would go about it.

 

I think it might help our understanding if you told us about the guys who only had sex with you. What did you find attractive about them and how did you meet? What type of guy are you looking for, and how are you trying to find him? Also what are you looking to find in a relationship?

[Sweetfish]

I'm very frustrated and depressed about my current situation. I have been trying to make a relationship work with a longtime online friend of mine. One night I got the courage to confess that I had feelings for him and he told me that he sensed some chemistry so we agreed to chat on skype everyday for 6 months to see if we could make things work. As I got to know him I begun to realize that he didn't really love me (although he claimed to) and he had A LOT of problems.. (alarming like, psychotic ones, I've written about him before so I wont go into it all I can say is that he was very controlling and narcissistic) he was still in love with his exgf who broke up with him years ago and he tells me that she hates me and sent me screenshots of her calling me stupid and desperate. (I acknowledge that I may be desperate but I am NOT stupid, also this 40 year old woman has never met me or spoken to me before) I saw in the screenshots that he told her that there was nothing romantic between us and that she didn't have to worry. He told me that his "love" for me was like a love for a sister or a daughter.. and he said I didn't compare to his ex because I have "left no impact on his life". His behavior toward me and the way he treated me was all the proof I needed to finally realize he wasn't as interested as he pretended to be so I cut him off for good. It was a very hard decision for me to make but I know it is for the best.

 

I've been through many experiences that mirror this one, I've maybe dated 5 men in total all different ages and most of them just want me for sex then once they get what they want they either run for the hills and pretend I don't exist or just keep me around for sex. It has really devastated my self esteem. Since I was young I was bullied for my looks, I was told I would never have a boyfriend because I am so ugly. I want a relationship more than anything, it's all I've ever wanted since I was 16 years old. I do not get much attention from the opposite sex but I am reasonably attractive now with a great body but maybe below average face.. I find it hard to face people, men especially, due to all the bad experience I've had in dating. I feel unworthy of any attention but when I do get it I assume they are just out to hurt me. I'm worried I will forever remain stuck with this cycle of users and I will never find someone who wants to have a real romantic relationship with me. Are there others like me out there? Is there hope for someone who is 25 and perpetually single?

 

 

Just curious... where are you meeting these men and what kind of guys are theses?

[Mysterio]

For all of us to be coupled up and everything to go great. I think that most of us are going to have to let love drop into our lives. We don't have to go on this vain serach like the Holy Grail.

 

I keep saying it. Most of us are going to go in and out of relationships. All Marriage and kids do is slow it down. I think that you should enjoy being single at your age. There has to be a time when you get to call the shots on your life. You can't be hard on yourself that being single is bad. To be honest. Most people are living to 80/90 yrs old. I think that most of us should be able to have a time where we just have space just for ourselves.

 

I think the best life is living on your own terms. Not being pressured to be coupled up. The best is yet to come for a lot of us. As opposed to having the wind knocked out of us due to a relationship coming apart.

 

For me and a lot of others. I think the best it to let it come to us. Instead of going out there and joining these dating sites and Tinder and all of that. Unless one is really introverted and needs to interact with more people.

 

If this was a friendship question/advice post. I would say get out there and socialize. You can for love. Yet for some reason. It always feels like you have to let love find you and just say that the Universe wants some of us to be single. Love is not like a job where you actually need it all the time. I get more of a kick of making friends than I do out of love/dating.

 

All I see dating is taking out some strange women who I am just basically physically attracted to. Hoping there is a bit more personality wise to dig in and see if we click beyond the physical.

 

Love has happen to me both ways. For me, I have had more fun when the woman is the driving force with me, than the more I try to go and seek it. I have really yet to go a solid 10 yrs with out love and I am 46. I think a lot of this I am lonely or its strange to be single and all that, is our ego. We see all these people out and about and in love. We don't know whats going on in their real private moments.

 

A Seasoned couple that has loving gestures between each other to me. Thats who I want to emulate. Not Jack and Jill who have been dating for 4 months. Is more Jack or Jills Parents or Aunt and Uncle who have been together for 30 yrs that are the modal of love and i am sure they still have to work at it.

 

I see myself ending up with someone special. Yet its going to be when I least expect it and me not being on the hunt for her as well.

 

So all in all. Enjoy being single and let love find you.

Edited September 5, 2017 by Mysterio

[batjokes92]

I also didn't have a gf until I was 21. Just like the OP I attributed that to who I was. But it was really all about who I was trying to attract, and how I would go about it.

 

I think it might help our understanding if you told us about the guys who only had sex with you. What did you find attractive about them and how did you meet? What type of guy are you looking for, and how are you trying to find him? Also what are you looking to find in a relationship?

 

The first guy I dated was at age 21, he was 23. I met him through an acquaintance of mine. We Dafed for about a month and eventually things got physical/intamite. We had oral sex but I was still a virgin. After that night he never called/texted me and I had to ask him what happened. He told me that he wasn't "ready" for a realationship. I was crushed by this and fell into obsession with him, he'd always throw me breadcrumbs to keep my attention, I was stalking his Facebook and everything until I met my current love interest (mentioned above) he helped me move on and get over this guy. The guy I mentioned above lives in Poland (is 28) and we met on tumblr. I've never met him in real life... He told me he loved me but only the way that a "mentor loves and cares for his ward" (I know sounds bizarre now) I was confused by this but I assumed that ment he really was interested in me so we tried talking everyday but his ex eventually came back to him and he told me that he didn't love me the way he loved her so I decided to leave him, I had to do it for my own sanity. My feelings for him were too strong to continue any kind of friendship.

 

Other than that I've dated only a few guys. Once when I was 23 and another one last year. One I met through college (he's same age I am) and one I met through work (he's 35) I went on 3 dates with the first guy I mentioned but he ended things saying that he had just got out of a relationship and he realized he was not ready to commit. The one I met through work I lost my virginity to. We remained fwb for almost a year and he didn't want to commit anymore than that.

 

I don't really know what I want in a relationship. I don't know how they work.. I want a guy who will commit to me but I also need to be attracted to them and we need to have shared interests and values. The only ones who I really felt deep feelings for were the first two I mentioned. The one from Poland was my favorite, although he did not treat me well and his words did not match his actions, he was extremely intelligent, articulate, romantic and he is an artist like me. He challenged me on many levels mental and spiritual and I really liked that. It's hard to find his type in the country/city I live in. I'm not busy looking right now, since I just ended things with him.. and I don't REALLY feel attracted to someone until I know them well enough.. I'm not over him yet and I'm scared to try dating again.

Edited September 5, 2017 by batjokes92

[NexttP]

Sounds like you know some of the things you want but not sure about other things. You're hoping that whatever you found as "important" would carry you through the "negative." However, it won't work like that. If you just focused on four simple things, you can know what kind of people to avoid and what kind to date.

 

Attraction, you both need to be attracted to each other. I would hope that the attraction is both physical and mental/emotional. Like you mentioned this last guy was intelligent and an artist, those are mental attraction qualities. I'm sure you have physical preferences too.

 

Compatibility, sounds simple because it is. A note of clarity, this is not to say that you have to have common interests. It means that you two are okay with each other's interests and would support it even if you would not take part. However, compatibility is more than just interests, it also cover stuff like beliefs, values, standards, goals, etc. It takes time to find out if someone is compatible.

 

Trust, because you want safety. The best case scenario is that you two sleep and wake up together, but you can't do that with someone you don't trust. This unfortunately also takes time to build.

 

Lastly is commitment, obviously you want someone that can commit and not throw you away when they're done with you. Just stay away from people who can't commit, it's not worth it.

 

Most people just look for attraction and mistakenly hope it would carry them through incompatibility, lack of trust, and no commitment. It doesn't work that way, you need all four in a lasting relationship.

 

EDIT: And for those guys that just want you around for sex, or leave after getting sex. Just don't give it to them. Unless of course you also benefit from the sex, which in that case you can't complain since it was mutually beneficial. Depending on what you believe, sex is a recreation or a symbol of trust and bond. But sex shouldn't be used as a gateway, a tool, or a reward.

Edited September 6, 2017 by NexttP

[Chilli]

l think your being way way too hard on yourself.

For a start , you have met guys,been with guys, dated, so you can def' meet guys ok and that's a big thing.

Ok so you didn't make the best choices , yet, but it's a tricky business at best.

The skyping one , tbh you shouldn't have even bothered with that , you know he had he's crap and says he loves you like a sister , well it can't go anywhere so ya get outa that .

The others , well this is why l always say l like a cautious girl , l think it's really healthy or she just gets used up otherwise. You gotta suss a guy out and think about who he is , is he genuine, what he's about and whether he;s for you before you go jumping in. lf he really cares he won't mind you taking your time one bit.

 

Looks wise , you've got a great body that's a huge thing believe me and you be amazed , mess around with your hair , try different things and looks it makes a huge difference to someones look.

Your doin ok,seems like a lotta people haven't really had relationships as such in their 20s yet these days, it'll happen, but you've gotta be more careful about who you choose to spend time with.

Edited September 6, 2017 by Chilli

[mushroomlol]

I feel you. And I understand, I really do. I am at my late 20s and I am in the same situation. I guess we just need to keep our hopes up.

[batjokes92]

l think your being way way too hard on yourself.

For a start , you have met guys,been with guys, dated, so you can def' meet guys ok and that's a big thing.

Ok so you didn't make the best choices , yet, but it's a tricky business at best.

The skyping one , tbh you shouldn't have even bothered with that , you know he had he's crap and says he loves you like a sister , well it can't go anywhere so ya get outa that .

The others , well this is why l always say l like a cautious girl , l think it's really healthy or she just gets used up otherwise. You gotta suss a guy out and think about who he is , is he genuine, what he's about and whether he;s for you before you go jumping in. lf he really cares he won't mind you taking your time one bit.

Looks wise , you've got a great body that's a huge thing believe me and you be amazed , mess around with your hair , try different things and looks it makes a huge difference to someones look.

Your doin ok,seems like a lotta people haven't really had relationships as such in their 20s yet these days, it'll happen, but you've gotta be more careful about who you choose to spend time with.

 

Yes I've met guys and I've dated guys but it is such a rare occurrence for me to be asked out. And this guy from Poland... I know he was a bad choice, but he kind of emotionally blackmailed me into staying his friend in the beginning. I tried to keep my distance because I had a crush on him and I knew to stay away because he had a gf he was having problems with.. but he was sort of gave me this guilt trip like (oh I helped you why cant you help me?) I got dragged into his problems and became even more infatuated, later on he told me that his gf broke up with him so I thought we could have a chance? Apparently he told his gf about me and she lost it. I don't know if I should feel guilty about what I have done. My mother says that she has no sympathy for me because "I knew what I was getting myself into".. I tried to have my guard up with him but he was flirting with me and giving me all this nice attention. And considering I get barely any male attention I just projected all of my feelings of love upon him.

 

One night we had a huge fight where he said "I need to cuddle with a female body" and I said "I'm not in the mood to role play with you tonight" and he flipped out. Said I was ungrateful for all his help, called me names and said he was "sick of my blindness and how trivial my point of view on him was"... um, ok? And THEN he said "Maybe you seriously are best with failure men. Maybe you seriously are good just for one night stands and a bj." I felt like that was a turning point for me. I realized he did not respect my boundaries and I thought, how would he react in real life if I had refused to cuddle up with him one night? He'd probably throw a fit just like this. We had more and more fights so I just ended it. It's been 23days since I blocked him and I see that he is on tumblr just reblogging everything his ex is reblogging so I guess they are happy together again/ I really do feel like an idiot.

Edited September 9, 2017 by batjokes92

[pumpkinpie1]

Yes I've met guys and I've dated guys but it is such a rare occurrence for me to be asked out. And this guy from Poland... I know he was a bad choice, but he kind of emotionally blackmailed me into staying his friend in the beginning. I tried to keep my distance because I had a crush on him and I knew to stay away because he had a gf he was having problems with.. but he was sort of gave me this guilt trip like (oh I helped you why cant you help me?) I got dragged into his problems and became even more infatuated, later on he told me that his gf broke up with him so I thought we could have a chance? Apparently he told his gf about me and she lost it. I don't know if I should feel guilty about what I have done. My mother says that she has no sympathy for me because "I knew what I was getting myself into".. I tried to have my guard up with him but he was flirting with me and giving me all this nice attention. And considering I get barely any male attention I just projected all of my feelings of love upon him.

 

One night we had a huge fight where he said "I need to cuddle with a female body" and I said "I'm not in the mood to role play with you tonight" and he flipped out. Said I was ungrateful for all his help, called me names and said he was "sick of my blindness and how trivial my point of view on him was"... um, ok? And THEN he said "Maybe you seriously are best with failure men. Maybe you seriously are good just for one night stands and a bj." I felt like that was a turning point for me. I realized he did not respect my boundaries and I thought, how would he react in real life if I had refused to cuddle up with him one night? He'd probably throw a fit just like this. We had more and more fights so I just ended it. It's been 23days since I blocked him and I see that he is on tumblr just reblogging everything his ex is reblogging so I guess they are happy together again/ I really do feel like an idiot.

 

Oh man..that was harsh! I'm sorry that guy said that stuff to you. That was a rude comment for him to make (the 'I need to cuddle with a female body' comment)..he was completely negating your personality in favor of your 'female body'. He could just have easily cuddled with a Japanese Body Pillow.

 

Don't look at his Tumblr or his Instagram or any other social media. Just let this one go. You were a rebound unfortunately.

 

As for the future..you are still very young and there's still plenty of time to find a relationship. I have made much worse relationship mistakes than you have..trust me..and I am hurting terribly for it. It's much better to wait it out and find the right one instead of the one that's just right there.

[batjokes92]

So it's been 28 days since I've blocked him and my life is getting better, I think... I just got hired at a new, high paying job, which is good since I've been unemployed for more than 6 months, but I can't stop thinking about him. I check his blog every night, I get jealous when I see that his ex is liking his posts, his ex who he loves more than me, his ex who was able to change his life, the woman who was able to fix him.. I'm comparing myself to her. I notice she is checking my blog once a week even though I blocked her. I feel like an idiot for growing such deep and insane feelings for him, for coming between them. I feel so unlovable considering I've never had a relationship and this was the closest I've got to obtaining one.

 

I put on a happy face during the day in front of my family but at night I just think about him and I get so lonely. I don't really have any friends. They all live far away now. I'm feeling scared of the future, scared of men, scared of new people and I can't get out of this negative feeling.

Edited September 15, 2017 by batjokes92

[Blanco]

Congratulations on the new job. Stop stalking him. He lives 5,000 miles away. It was never gonna happen, anyway.

 

Best of luck.

[NexttP]

I don't really have any friends. They all live far away now.

 

Hang on, a guy you are "deeply in love" with on the other side of the world is fine but friends few states away is too far? What even...?

 

It's the internet, NO ONE is far away.

[batjokes92]

Hang on, a guy you are "deeply in love" with on the other side of the world is fine but friends few states away is too far? What even...?

 

It's the internet, NO ONE is far away.

 

 

Ok, #1, I live in Canada. and #2, All of my friends are also on the other side of the world at the moment. One in England, one in New Zealand, the rest are in Korea right now. They don't come back til next year. I had a friend who was living on Pelee Island for the summer. I made visits to him frequently, cost me a lot of money but I made it happen. Now he is going to India for a year too. So yeah, feeling pretty lonely.

Edited September 15, 2017 by batjokes92

[youdunsay]

I check his blog every night, I get jealous when I see that his ex is liking his posts, his ex who he loves more than me, his ex who was able to change his life, the woman who was able to fix him.. I'm comparing myself to her. I notice she is checking my blog once a week even though I blocked her. I feel like an idiot for growing such deep and insane feelings for him, for coming between them. I feel so unlovable considering I've never had a relationship and this was the closest I've got to obtaining one.

 

I put on a happy face during the day in front of my family but at night I just think about him and I get so lonely. I don't really have any friends. They all live far away now. I'm feeling scared of the future, scared of men, scared of new people and I can't get out of this negative feeling.

 

I used to be embroiled into a relationship where I had been a backup. Now I am in kind of a similar situation like you do -- long distance, him being hung up with ex-girlfriend. The rational state of mind rings a bell of possible repeat in history. My take is to let it go and let it flow. If we would end up be together, great. If we don't, so be it. What's your take on this?