Sexy barmaid driving me crazy

[silverhightlight]

Hi guys

 

First time poster here.

 

Love to get your opinion on the below if you have time, since I've asked friends but reactions are mixed! (Sorry for the length of this but it's required!)

 

I'm in a local sports team and some of the players regularly visit a bar after matches for a drink. There's this very attractive girl that is the bar manager who I like and we've talked a bit, had a lot of eye contact, friendly banter, etc. She's smiled at me 'across the room' on a number of occasions and since we visit the bar regularly, we see each other quite a bit. Her boss who owns the bar plays for our team and he knows I like her, and it's obvious the girl knows this as well.

 

I haven't made a move on her because I'm told (and have seen) that she's casually dating someone, even though her social media states she's Single.

 

I know it's her job to be nice and friendly, but her (let's call it) attention-grabbing flirting was way beyond this and directed at me. I've had her walking past me back and forth, gazing at me, smiling, catching my eye, brushing beside me when walking past. Sometimes she ignores me. Sometimes we have a brief chat. I can't deny I felt something for her after a while.

 

It made me think I might have a chance, but I didn't want to make a tit of myself if she's seeing someone. You see, she's flirted with me in the past and then seemed disinterested. She even did her usual repertoire of flirtyness at an event we were both at, and just when I was going to say hello and strike up a conversation, her date arrived and joined her group of friends/colleagues, then they left together. She couldn't even look at me during this time. A week later, her boss who likes to keep his nose out of his employees' personal business simply said to me in a passing comment, "Going for height over beauty eh!?!". This guy was tall, so obvious what he was referring to.

 

So..... fast forward a number of months and the usual flirting in the bar, the other day I see her off duty at the bar, but drinking with a couple of friends. My mate and I sit on the next bench across from her. Anyway, like almost immediately, she's purposely checking out another guy's backside, making the 'phwarr' facial expression, and chatting on her phone 'love you!' to whoever it was on the other end of the line. Basically rubbing my nose in it.

 

Now if I knew someone liked me, I wouldn't do that. I made a throw away comment/joke to my mate something along the lines of 'well, guess I could just go for something younger then!', and she may have heard me. I think I heard her mutter under her breath, "well you're older than me!". But I'm confused now because I didn't mean anything by that comment, was just a bit hurt and it was a reaction, but on the flip side, I don't want to be played and thought maybe it could be a bit of her own medicine.

 

My gut instinct is she's an attention seeker who always needs men around her. Maybe this was her way of saying I'm not interested. She's constantly getting hit on due to her job. Her personality had a marked difference off duty as well and not what I'd encountered before. Bit more potty mouth, 'don't give a **** attitude'.

 

So part of me thinks I've probably dodged a bullet.

 

Any advice?

[preraph]

Yeah, she's flirty. Partly because she works in a bar and wants big tips. Probably mostly this, but then there's women who just like the attention (and men too), but when it looks like you might actually make an attempt, they quickly push back to avoid it. I wouldn't pin any hopes on her. Plus you know if you were her bf she'd be flirting with other guys behind your back all the time.

 

When I was in my 20s, one guy I was in love with and one guy who was a good friend were both in love with the same barmaid. Obsessed. She didn't want either of them. She liked some guy in a bad band. I'd go into the bar with both of these guys sometimes and I think they took me as a barometer, and I can assure you she didn't mind at all that they brought a woman in. Took the pressure off her. Decades later I ran into her (she's now working at Home Depot when she was about 45) and she was real friendly to me. Women working as bartenders or waitresses of any type get hit on all the time, and the gorgeous ones, it's relentless. They mostly just want a good tip. You sound like a good social guy with good things going for you. you don't need to find yourself a barmaid. There's pretty girls everywhere. Ask one out who didn't put herself in a position to be swatting guys away like flies.

Edited September 3, 2017 by preraph

[silverhightlight]

Yeah, she's flirty. Partly because she works in a bar and wants big tips. Probably mostly this, but then there's women who just like the attention (and men too), but when it looks like you might actually make an attempt, they quickly push back to avoid it. I wouldn't pin any hopes on her. Plus you know if you were her bf she'd be flirting with other guys behind your back all the time.

 

When I was in my 20s, one guy I was in love with and one guy who was a good friend were both in love with the same barmaid. Obsessed. She didn't want either of them. She liked some guy in a bad band. I'd go into the bar with both of these guys sometimes and I think they took me as a barometer, and I can assure you she didn't mind at all that they brought a woman in. Took the pressure off her. Decades later I ran into her (she's now working at Home Depot when she was about 45) and she was real friendly to me. Women working as bartenders or waitresses of any type get hit on all the time, and the gorgeous ones, it's relentless. They mostly just want a good tip. You sound like a good social guy with good things going for you. you don't need to find yourself a barmaid. There's pretty girls everywhere. Ask one out who didn't put herself in a position to be swatting guys away like flies.

 

Thanks for the reply. Interesting story to relate to! Yes, I guess I always knew this but didn't want to admit it. She's a stunner no question, but something always didn't seem quite right. The amount of flirting was extraordinary and I've seen a fair bit (in my 30s), so that was what really got me, the fact that how anyone would go to such lengths to get my attention, then appear not bothered. My take was that she was just seeing if she could 'get me', and no more. I agree, there's lots of pretty women around, seems I always get attracted to the bad ones!!

[salparadise]

...how anyone would go to such lengths to get my attention, then appear not bothered. My take was that she was just seeing if she could 'get me', and no more.

 

Yea, that's my intuition... leveraging sexuality for the ego stroke. She likes knowing that she can control your blood pressure. She must find you somewhat interesting or she wouldn't bother though.

 

You aren't going to get anywhere by being mesmerized. If you want to engage you need to play it cool. I'd say start bringing a hot woman into the bar with you and pay little attention to the barmaid. See if she will come to you. The only thing that's going to work is making her feel like her stuff is not longer working on you.

[knabe]

You've never even asked her out. you don't know what she's thinking, and she owes you nothing.

 

YOU are over thinking, and she is not doing anything TO you.

 

Get rid of the chip on your shoulder.

[preraph]

Maybe she's an ex-stripper. They never seem to be able to stop pushing men's buttons just to see if they still can, no matter how old they get.

[spiderowl]

She does sound very flirtatious and I am sure you are not the only one who feels interested in her. She is dating someone and it sounds to me as if she turns the flirting on and off as she wishes. It is up to you whether you take the risk to ask her out or not, but be prepared for it just being banter and her manner with most people. She probably does seek attention like that. Obviously I don't know her but from your description about her behaviour, she sounds too casual and flirtatious to be a serious prospect for a relationship. I don't get the impression you are looking for a relationship though, so basically you either take a risk or not.

[silverhightlight]

You've never even asked her out. you don't know what she's thinking, and she owes you nothing.

 

YOU are over thinking, and she is not doing anything TO you.

 

Get rid of the chip on your shoulder.

 

Very true, and I can agree with this. I haven't asked her out. I was going to once after she'd been away for a month and I saw her again. I got all charismatic with her ready to ask her, then she hit me with a bombshell about her dad just dying (why she'd been away), so it kind of put a spanner in the works. I was very sorry about hearing it and told her so, and we had a brief chat. It just didn't seem the right time.

 

After that evening, she backed off for a good few weeks, started finishing work slightly earlier and avoiding me for a while. Completely blanking me. Then it all started back up again.

 

I've never really had a real relationship before so I always feel on the back foot and she's obviously well versed at dealing with men. The fact she backed away when I appeared to start making some moves spoke volumes for me. This is why I never continued to ask her out, her backing away, turning up with a date, my gut feeling was she'll reject me, but she might think I'm cute or something.

 

Some girls seem to date guys on and off at once, and this doesn't seem appealing to me. If there's another guy she's seeing, I'd rather not be another one of her merry men. Truth is, she intimidates me and her full package could get any guy she wants.

 

But like you say, you don't know what she's thinking, so it's the risk I either take or don't. Thanks for the advice, it's great forums like this exist.

[elaine567]

Very true, and I can agree with this. I haven't asked her out. I was going to once after she'd been away for a month and I saw her again. I got all charismatic with her ready to ask her, then she hit me with a bombshell about her dad just dying (why she'd been away), so it kind of put a spanner in the works. I was very sorry about hearing it and told her so, and we had a brief chat. It just didn't seem the right time.

 

After that evening, she backed off for a good few weeks, started finishing work slightly earlier and avoiding me for a while. Completely blanking me. Then it all started back up again.

 

YOU seem to think that it is all about you, but did your not consider that her Dad had just died, she was probably very upset and did not feel like chatting up, bantering and flirting with the punters, but once she felt a bit better she was back to normal again, business as usual.

 

When she was on the phone saying "love you" to her bf, she was not "rubbing your nose in it", you probably do not even register on her radar actually, just because atm she is your world, doesn't mean she is even aware of you, past the fact you visit her bar.

SHE is the bar-maid, she is special to you, she stands out, but unless you live in a very small village, then you are just one of a sea of faces to her, faces that come and go...

 

It seems to me that inexperienced guys often get hung up on waitresses, barmaids, shop girls etc. because they get friendly attention from these women and these women are somewhat trapped too in their place of work.

A waitress, shop girl or a barmaid cannot just walk out if a guy is not someone she wants to engage with, she has to keep up the pretence of being happy and interested even if she is bored to death and would rather be somewhere else. Her JOB is to sell and serve the product, whether that be clothes or meals or pints of beer...

 

This girl is selling the product, paying a part, she gets paid to flirt with guys and keep them coming back to the bar...

It works...

[Shanex]

No offense but you are kidding yourself a bit, and you seem very aware that barmaid or waitress act friendly and sometimes in a flirty manner for a good tip.

 

Yes, you are overthinking all this. It's a employee versus customer situation, no more. Very rarely do barmaid ladies especially in their 20s hookups with the customers in the bars.

 

On the contrary, I have known bartender who were real womanizer and dated hundred women in their 20s. Women are different, just because she's flirty doesn't mean she's head over heels. She enjoyed the ego boost and attention. Leave it at that.