Heartbroken

[Loveandlosthim]

Ok here's my story, sorry it's long. Years ago I met mm and we saw each other for a time. His wife is bi and she gave him permission to have a "friend" so she wouldn't feel guilly about seeing her girlfriend. She knew my name and all about me and we even instant messaged once which was very weird. When they decided to work on their marriage we stopped seeing each other but stayed friends but only talked a few times in 7 years. During that time they were supposed to be committed to each other she cheated several times which he found out. They tried to make it work but couldn't so this past Dec. he asked for a divorce. He was the main breadwinner as she worked part time occasionally. They have a 13 year old daughter.

 

In May he text me and we started talking. He told me what had happened and that they were divorcing. His soon to be ex took a good job in another state and he helped move her up there in May and they were getting along good and ok with the divorce and their daughter accepted that they were better apart. Their divorce will be final 1st of Nov. His daughter stayed here with him at the time until summer was over before going to her mom's and had some bullying issues at school and told her half brother that she was going to commit suicide. He took her to the hospital and got her help and she was doing a lot better. We grew closer and closer and fell in love. We were always friends but we fell hard, we found our soul mate in each other. It was super fast but real. We told each other everything and he told me he put in for a job in the same town in the other state in order to be with his daughter and continue to be in her life full time which I was fine with as I can transfer with my company easily to the same area which he wanted me to when I found a position I wanted up there. When he moved there he was staying with his ex and daughter until he found a place plus it helped his ex out financially until she could get on her feet better. I didn't like it but I understood and he did have his own room (we video chatted so I saw it). He didn't tell his ex that he was seeing anyone but did encourage her to date and told her he had moved on and he wanted her to as well.

 

So she started asking him constantly if he was seeing anyone and he tried to blow her off but they were married 15 plus yrs so she knew by his body language that he was. He finally admitted that he was and she wanted to know who so she could prepare herself. When he told her it was me she blew up and accused him of seeing me the whole time which wasn't true. He told her we didn't until after she left the state but she is still upset. During the conversation, his daughter overheard them and found out he was seeing someone while still married. She told him that she doesn't respect him and that she won't believe anything he says anymore because he lied to her. She loves him because he is her dad but they won't ever be close again. He was devastated of course and tried talking to her but she refuses and said she would never accept me (she doesn't know my name thankfully). She told him if we had waited until he was divorced it would be different but we didn't. He broke things off with me and was upset that this has all happened and told me that while he truly loved me, he loves his daughter more which I told him he better! I told him they need to get her therapy asap because she has emotional issues that they can't help her with and now this, she needs professional help which he agreed. Luckily I didn't take a job up there yet. He told me that they are still getting divorced but the alimony will be amended before it's final. He said that he can't keep in touch with me or still be friends now because of his daughter and he is going to focus on her and his job and nothing else right now. He said he should have waited to text me until he was divorced and he wouldn't have made a disaster for everyone. He said maybe 6 months from now things will be different and his daughter may accept us dating but for now we can't be together but told me not to wait on him if I find someone that I can love. I'm 44 and never been in real love before him. I have never felt this way before , not with my ex-husband nor my ex long term bf. I told him I was just going to focus on me and take time for myself and hopefully find myself as my ex and I were not happy for years. He said that we found each other after all those years that maybe we will find our way to each other again but to live my life and love.

 

I am having trouble letting go. I've never felt this way before and I'm so heartbroken. I want to text or call him multiple times a day but have only gave in a couple of times since we split last Monday. I know it's all new but I feel lost. Any advice on how he can help his daughter get past this? I told him that while I know she blames him for everything, her mother cheated multiple times while they were still committed to each other and we didn't date until the divorce was filed. They are still lying to her by omission and telling her why they were divorcing to begin with and he's not the only flawed one, her mom is too. Of course she will never admit what she did but it's still not being truthful to their daughter.

[springy]

Whatever is going on between him and his daughter is not something you can fix, nor should you try to intervene in any way. You really need to maintain nc and not interfere with that relationship (assuming his reasons for breaking it off are true).

 

Leave him to do whatever it is he feels is best. Had you dated at all in that 7 years of 'friendship'?

 

If you have interest in a love life, you should focus on moving on, and not maintain contact. He has given you the green light (not that you needed one) to date others; has told you not to wait on him. Please consider that this would be best for you - to find a man that is fully available for a relationship.

[TheBathWater]

Something smells fishy here. I know I don't know your entire situation, but there are enough of the common warning signs in these type of scenarios that I see some red flags of a guy who is not being entirely honest with you.

 

First, if he wanted to be with you, he would. They all have an excuse or reason as to why they can't. They say things like "maybe one day," or "in X amount of months once I do X." It seems to me that the OW/OM is the one who will defend the MM/MW because they want to believe so badly in what they believe is the love of their life, but in the end, the relationship is never official, the OW/OM is left to "move on" and usually told that they were/are the best thing that ever happened to the MM/MW. It's all B.S. and meant to keep you from seeing the situation and the person for what it really is.

 

The facts are that he moved away with his family and is detaching himself from you, telling you to go find another partner and such. Just because he says he is going to divorce his wife doesn't mean anything. I'd question whether or not his "room" that you saw was really is. It could be a guestroom. You never know. They could also be trying to work things out, or worse (but not uncommon) is that if he is in fact divorcing his wife then he might already have his eyes on another woman who is closer to his area.

 

It is very, very rare that the MM/MW will get into a real relationship with an OM/OW. To them, the OM/OW is not usually seen as more than an affair partner. And for those that do actually try a real relationship, the results are too often a disaster.

 

I know you have deep feelings for this man and believe that you have found "the one," but this guy and this relationship is not the real deal and it never will be. The recovery process from these type of situations is often slow and emotionally painful, but I'd recommend engaging in recovery as seriously as you can. Be willing to do therapy, join support groups, read blogs and watch YouTube videos about this stuff, talk to friends and family who will understand, etc... and do NOT rush into dating again until you're ready. And when you are ready, be prepared to encounter men like this again, because they say that once you've been involved in a situation like this you are likely to reattract some version of it in the future.

 

Keep us posted on how you're doing, and I hope you feel empowered sooner than later to fully let go of this person and commit to recovery. It is not worth it to stay involved on any level for one day longer.

Edited September 4, 2017 by TunaInTheBrine

[anika99]

So sorry you are hurting OP, heartbreak always sucks but we always recover from it. It's usually pretty risky to become emotionally involved with a newly separated man. Especially one who is living with his wife. Take some time to be kind to yourself and heal and chalk this one up to one of life's lessons.

 

As for what he should do to help his daughter and what he and his wife are telling his daughter, I have to say it's really not your business and you need to stay out of it. For one thing you are only getting one side of the story and everyone knows that every story has at least 2 sides and for another thing their child and their divorce is between the two of them. You have no place being involved in either of those things. The best thing you can do right now is completely let him go and do whatever he needs to do. If he's a good guy then maybe he will do things right, support his daughter and come looking for you when he's fully divorce and ready to be in a new relationship which shouldn't be for at least a year or two. If he's a jerk and just blowing smoke and never calls you again then at least you will have had enough distance and time to heal and not be destroyed by his drama.

[Loveandlosthim]

Thank you for all your replies. We did not see each other at all during the 7 years, just a text a few times seeing how we were doing, how work and family was going etc. We remained friendly just didn't contact each other much. I felt that since they were working their marriage out I had no business trying to pursue anything with him. I wish I would have remembered that self advice this time!

 

I hate the turmoil his daughter is going thru and it is not my business at all but I feel compelled to want to help because he is so hurt too. I will stay out of it though. There were red flags but I am completely confident that they were not living together as anything other than roommates with separate rooms as he had things in the room that I know were his and there no sign of female things or touches anywhere. I also know the divorce was filed because we were together before he left going to eat one day and he got a phone call from the lawyer and had to go by there to sign a paper. I could hear the conversation because his lawyer was loud lol.

 

I am going to focus on myself and not worry about dating or trying to find another relationship for now. Maybe we will end up together maybe not but I just wish this heartache would stop. We talked and text every day for 3 months until last week and it is hard for me not to text him. I need strength!

 

Thank you

[somanymistakes]

People are legally allowed to date while separated. If they were separated and heading for a divorced, neither you nor he did anything technically wrong.

 

However, divorce can be very messy, especially when there are hurt feelings and children involved. It is not unusual for a dating relationship during the separation period to fall into disaster, or to need to break up for exactly this sort of reason, particularly when it's the man dating as men are often very paranoid about the prospect of losing access to their children. (Not getting into whether they're right or wrong to feel that way, it kind of depends on the judge!)

 

While it's not technically WRONG to get involved with a separated man, it is risky because their situation is so volatile. Some will change their minds and get back together with their wives. Some will go through this sort of panic about their kids and custody and so on. Others will go through huge emotional upheaval as they try to process the end of their married identity, and may suddenly go on wild drunken benders and sleep with everyone in sight.

 

So yeah. He needs time to get a hold of himself. Maybe he'll come back to you, maybe he won't. You guys have known each other a long while and he does seem pretty interested in you, so he certainly MIGHT show up again. It's just that right now you can't count on him.

[stillafool]

I'm sorry but your story sounds like many OW who's MM has had a change of heart and decided to stay with his wife by using his child as the excuse not to leave. His daughter isn't going to automatically accept you after 6 months and as a matter of fact it could take 6 years. This is something every couple who have been married with kids involved go through when trying to be together. You work these things out together, not apart. If his wife is in to women and accepted that a divorce was inevitable she shouldn't have a problem with him seeing someone else. His story is indeed fishy that you are his soul mate but he is telling you not to wait for him.

[Miss Clavel]

I'm sorry but your story sounds like many OW who's MM has had a change of heart and decided to stay with his wife by using his child as the excuse not to leave. His story is indeed fishy that you are his soul mate but he is telling you not to wait for him.

 

 

 

ita, except i don't think it's the wifey, i think he wants his freedom.

 

otherwise he'd sit down with his daughter and tell her the facts. and let her know that as a child she does not dictate his choice in a partner.

 

he'd tell her that the marriage is over. because mommy and daddy decided.

 

that if he pursues a relationship with his "new" friend or another friend, his daughter will always come first.

Edited September 4, 2017 by Miss Clavel

[somanymistakes]

ita, except i don't think it's the wifey, i think he wants his freedom.

 

otherwise he'd sit down with his daughter and tell her the facts. and let her know that as a child she does not dictate his choice in a partner.

 

he'd tell her that the marriage is over. because mommy and daddy decided.

 

that if he pursues a relationship with his "new" friend or another friend, she will always come first.

 

I'm basing my comments on what I hear from reading men's divorce forums, which are aimed at them supporting each other and NOT about buttering up OWs who aren't even present.

 

Sitting down and talking things out with a child is not that simple if the other partner is being controlling and threatening that you will never see your child again. Especially if the divorce is not yet final and no custody order is in place. Even worse with a teenager, since many states will take a teenage child's opinion into account and if she says she hates her father and does not want to see him again, the courts can say "okay".

 

I am not saying that you're wrong. He may totally want his freedom. Or he may totally want to get back together with his wife.

 

All I'm saying is that men going through a divorce really do panic about this sort of thing with their kids, especially if the exwife is a dramabomb. Angry exes sometimes try to get court orders in place preventing people from dating, even.