Women did you find breaking up from an affair to be the same as a normal relationship

[Hbroken]

I understand that women deal with breakups from normal relationships better than men... They recover better and are able to move on quicker according to Dr Google

My question is for those of you who have been in an affair either whilst in a relationship or whilst as an ow... When you broke up did it feel the same? We're you able to move on just as quickly? I know sometimes the AP/mm doesn't let you but if they did would it be the same process?

[bealigerent]

Hello Hbroken,

I had a three-year relationship with a MM who lived in another state. It was mostly an EA, lots of texts etc. with maybe 2 or 3 meetups a year.. I knew he was married from the get-go and he was persistent in meeting right away (we met online). However, I was 100% responsible for my end of it.

I went NC on him in June because I came across his wife's social media accounts. Guilt set in-once faces were put on the nebulous words "wife" and "son" I saw my MM as playing a very dangerous game with innocent people.

I knew he had had affairs before and had rationalized my involvement by telling myself it was only an intense friendship (HA)..But the hypocrisy of these family photos made me pull the plug on our game. I broke up by text and while he seemed puzzled, he never questioned me further. In fact he has sent only two more texts since then-one to say he hoped I was well, and another reminding me of my upcoming birthday.Guess he was testing the waters to see if I meant it this time b/c I had made breakup noises before.

Now-your question of whether this kind of breakup is different? Well, no one really knew about my MM except one co worker. So there is no outward change in my habits to speak of. On the inside, though..swings from anger, to hitting myself over the head mentally, to wishing I could hear his voice again..this occurs daily. Three years of checking your phone for messages, wondering if he will call.don't just go away. He gave me a few things that I can't bring myself to throw out (nothing pricey,books mostly).I blocked him on my landline and do this dance of blocking/unblocking on my cel (which is how I got the two texts).

Most shameful of all, I am checking his wife's Instagram (her account is public). I don't feel jealousy-or any desire to tell her-guess I'm reinforcing the fact that his life has nothing to do with mine. At some point I will stop this--I've done this before. looking at Facebook when I was dumped by a guy and was acquainted with his new GF. . . Actually, what hurt me most was that he bought a house and didn't tell me...it just pointed out that I was totally on the periphery..so it's been 3 months this week of NC and I don't expect to hear any more from him. "This too shall pass." A new season is coming up and I'm on a diet..I'm through with breadcrumbs.

[deadsoul]

I understand that women deal with breakups from normal relationships better than men... They recover better and are able to move on quicker according to Dr Google

My question is for those of you who have been in an affair either whilst in a relationship or whilst as an ow... When you broke up did it feel the same? We're you able to move on just as quickly? I know sometimes the AP/mm doesn't let you but if they did would it be the same process?

 

Interesting because my experience is that guy recovers quicker and moves on.

 

I don't really have an answer for you on your questions... it was harder when we "broke up" because it was a secret and it was wrong and I couldn't talk to anyone about it.

 

It's just different and terrible. I don't ever want to experience this again.

 

My question to you... are you focusing on your own healing or how your OW is healing? Keep your focus on you.

[BigBlueSky]

I agree with ds, it's harder because of the secretive nature of affairs. During a normal break up, I had friends and family I could lean on, people I could openly talk to. The breakup with MM is hard... Because I haven't talked to anyone in my life about it, healing takes longer. Also there's the feelings of shame and all that other stuff to deal with, figuring out why I did it in the first place, working on those tough things in my own life that led me to where I am today rather than hiding from them.

 

How have you been lately Hbroken?

[Hbroken]

thanks BBS.

definitely better.

I think clarity comes with time and processing

there is no way of escaping the constant mental churning, asking of questions etc but you do move forwards

You do start questioning everything you are and everyone around you and esp your AP's motives.

 

In my case my AP left her partner and said to me that she was prepared to give up everything and be with me and I said I couldn't leave my family and therefore she broke up with me... despite the dynamics, I ended up believing I was the victim... and this brought about resentment and exacerbated my grief even more. Of course this was just my way of processing the info and truthfully she was the true victim having given up her everything to want to be with me and still being rejected.

 

I am so pleased about a few things:

1) It was a clean break

2) I never chased her texted her or tried to get her to change her mind. I wasn't mean or needy and I didn't and never had make any fake promises.

3) I went NC to the best of my ability even though we work together and she still came up to talk to me.

4) I went for regular counselling and this has been a life saver.

 

As the fog lifted and the limerence phase ended, the grief got much better. Id say this lasted 8 weeks. Over the last 2 weeks my only problem has been seeing her at work. When I know she is there, I get very anxious..I want to go and see her and hope for an interaction yet I know I would feel no better for it... like an addiction...craving for a fix

 

but through processing and counselling it is obvious that this craving is not really for her but for an ego boost...for someone to validate my self esteem as a man. So this led me to ask why I needed validation for someone else to make me feel better. If someone came and told me she was in pain missing me (and perhaps this is why I was posting on here), id sleep very restfully and this is the truth...but why should someone else's pain make me happier..why do I need an ego boost from someone else to feel better?

 

Through counselling we explored this and it was obvious that my dad is a narcissistic personality who through his overprotective and complex personality suppressed me as a child to the point that I have deep rooted feelings of inadequacy and inherently I feel weak. When this girl came along in my life she made me feel like a hero...something I have never felt in my core before.

 

When I came out of counselling, I realised that the genie had been let out of the bottle. For a few days, the OW has occupied less and less of my headspace and I have started looking at my behaviour and attitudes and boundaries. I have become noticeably more assertive with everyone around me..I am not so scared of conflict anymore and I feel better than I have since the break up and probably even before then because I feel stronger mentally and emotionally.

Suddenly the OW doesn't seem the focus anymore. Suddenly I feel like I can control things a bit better and I feel less of a victim.

 

I think there is a long way to go and it will always be 2 steps forward, 1 to the side and maybe 1 backwards but it seems like an exciting journey. I certainly need to change myself and hopefully the dynamics with my wife will change. I used to feel resentful because I wasn't assertive enough with her. Now since I have started I notice that she will often back off and agree with me. This hasn't happened in so many years and feels good. In the near future I plan to sit down with her and ask her how she feels about the relationship and tell her how I feel about it.

 

I would like to one day be friends with my AP. She is a nice girl and I care for her deeply... but I need to get myself and my issues healed first so that when I do speak with her, it is not because I want anything from her but just because we are two people who developed a bond and cared so much for each other and mutually circumstances didn't allow us to build a healthy relationship.

 

I know some people will say that this would be a mistake but I think that depends on how well I address my internal issues and after that how I use that healing to critically examine and work on my marriage. I know this... that I want my future relationship be that with my wife, someone else or even my x-AP to be authentic and healthy but I think it will take sometime to get there as I work on myself and develop or modify those traits which have made me the flawed person that I have been for so many years.

 

Finally I am sure somewhere there were feelings of jealousy... my AP was free...free to explore a new life with a new partner and I was still stuck in the same situation....I agree with this. However I have started realising that freedom can also come from within...from liberating yourself mentally and spiritually - and this internal freedom is perhaps more important and satisfying than external freedom... my AP despite being free will still have challenging relationships unless she works on her flaws and I may be able to have better relationships with the same people around me (my wife/kids/parents/friends) if I work on mine.

 

So finally 1 see an exciting journey ahead...and I think I will be fine and probably better and more at peace with myself and the world around me at the end of it.

[What_Did_I_Do]

For me, so much harder. With a normal relationship, most times you can see the deterioration unfold and to some extent, communicate the issues with your partner. In an A, so often it is an abrupt stop leaving the dumped party in the dust wondering WTH happened.

 

Then you can't share the pain of this shameful breakup openly.

 

Glad you are doing better. I am still so completely lost.

[BigBlueSky]

thanks BBS.

definitely better.

I think clarity comes with time and processing

there is no way of escaping the constant mental churning, asking of questions etc but you do move forwards

You do start questioning everything you are and everyone around you and esp your AP's motives.

 

In my case my AP left her partner and said to me that she was prepared to give up everything and be with me and I said I couldn't leave my family and therefore she broke up with me... despite the dynamics, I ended up believing I was the victim... and this brought about resentment and exacerbated my grief even more. Of course this was just my way of processing the info and truthfully she was the true victim having given up her everything to want to be with me and still being rejected.

 

I am so pleased about a few things:

1) It was a clean break

2) I never chased her texted her or tried to get her to change her mind. I wasn't mean or needy and I didn't and never had make any fake promises.

3) I went NC to the best of my ability even though we work together and she still came up to talk to me.

4) I went for regular counselling and this has been a life saver.

 

As the fog lifted and the limerence phase ended, the grief got much better. Id say this lasted 8 weeks. Over the last 2 weeks my only problem has been seeing her at work. When I know she is there, I get very anxious..I want to go and see her and hope for an interaction yet I know I would feel no better for it... like an addiction...craving for a fix

 

but through processing and counselling it is obvious that this craving is not really for her but for an ego boost...for someone to validate my self esteem as a man. So this led me to ask why I needed validation for someone else to make me feel better. If someone came and told me she was in pain missing me (and perhaps this is why I was posting on here), id sleep very restfully and this is the truth...but why should someone else's pain make me happier..why do I need an ego boost from someone else to feel better?

 

Through counselling we explored this and it was obvious that my dad is a narcissistic personality who through his overprotective and complex personality suppressed me as a child to the point that I have deep rooted feelings of inadequacy and inherently I feel weak. When this girl came along in my life she made me feel like a hero...something I have never felt in my core before.

 

When I came out of counselling, I realised that the genie had been let out of the bottle. For a few days, the OW has occupied less and less of my headspace and I have started looking at my behaviour and attitudes and boundaries. I have become noticeably more assertive with everyone around me..I am not so scared of conflict anymore and I feel better than I have since the break up and probably even before then because I feel stronger mentally and emotionally.

Suddenly the OW doesn't seem the focus anymore. Suddenly I feel like I can control things a bit better and I feel less of a victim.

 

I think there is a long way to go and it will always be 2 steps forward, 1 to the side and maybe 1 backwards but it seems like an exciting journey. I certainly need to change myself and hopefully the dynamics with my wife will change. I used to feel resentful because I wasn't assertive enough with her. Now since I have started I notice that she will often back off and agree with me. This hasn't happened in so many years and feels good. In the near future I plan to sit down with her and ask her how she feels about the relationship and tell her how I feel about it.

 

I would like to one day be friends with my AP. She is a nice girl and I care for her deeply... but I need to get myself and my issues healed first so that when I do speak with her, it is not because I want anything from her but just because we are two people who developed a bond and cared so much for each other and mutually circumstances didn't allow us to build a healthy relationship.

 

I know some people will say that this would be a mistake but I think that depends on how well I address my internal issues and after that how I use that healing to critically examine and work on my marriage. I know this... that I want my future relationship be that with my wife, someone else or even my x-AP to be authentic and healthy but I think it will take sometime to get there as I work on myself and develop or modify those traits which have made me the flawed person that I have been for so many years.

 

Finally I am sure somewhere there were feelings of jealousy... my AP was free...free to explore a new life with a new partner and I was still stuck in the same situation....I agree with this. However I have started realising that freedom can also come from within...from liberating yourself mentally and spiritually - and this internal freedom is perhaps more important and satisfying than external freedom... my AP despite being free will still have challenging relationships unless she works on her flaws and I may be able to have better relationships with the same people around me (my wife/kids/parents/friends) if I work on mine.

 

So finally 1 see an exciting journey ahead...and I think I will be fine and probably better and more at peace with myself and the world around me at the end of it.

 

Don't have too much time to respond, but I just wanted to say that it's so good to hear that you are growing and learning through this. I know it is hard, but it gives me hope that you are starting to heal. I feel like I'm going through similar things as you, coming to similar realizations about myself, MM and the whole A.

[BigBlueSky]

For me, so much harder. With a normal relationship, most times you can see the deterioration unfold and to some extent, communicate the issues with your partner. In an A, so often it is an abrupt stop leaving the dumped party in the dust wondering WTH happened.

 

Then you can't share the pain of this shameful breakup openly.

 

Glad you are doing better. I am still so completely lost.

 

(((WDID))) I'm so sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time. I am too... But trying to learn through this. Don't want to hijack Hbroken's thread so I'll go read your thread. Maybe you can update us on what's been going on and how you're doing. Take good care of yourself.

[elaine567]

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Edited September 5, 2017 by elaine567